Shifting the blame
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Shifting the blame
If you are interested in my story, check out the thread "New Here husband takes pills." Right now j want to talk about blame shifting.
Whenever I do accuse my husband of anything, he says, "You have things you need to work on too." I am sure this is true, but he only brings it up when I am upset at him, usually over money issues. This time, when I talked to him about finding those pills and told him what needs to happen for him to stay here, he said the same thing. So I asked what I need to work on. He said that he always feels like he is walking on eggshells around me. Probably true too because we have dealt with his money issues and probable pill abuse for a couple of years at least. He said he thinks we need to go to counseling. I'm fine with this as well, but who would pay for it? He said he would pay half but he cant even keep up with his half of the bills monthly and continues to secretly take out payday loans. I would end up paying all of it. In the past, after he stole money from me, we agreed he would go to therapy first and then we would go to couples counseling, but I think he is lying about going. I think he went once and that is all. With no access to his bank accounts or insurance or anything, I have no way to see if he does what he says he does.
So how do you deal with this blame shifting? First, it makes me consider everything I have done wrong in the relationship but I know I am responsible and take care of money and the home. I don't steal things. I don't hide things. I don't lie about things. I think that is pretty good. But when he does this, it makes me feel bad. It makes me feel like I have been such a controlling b and I start to feel like i am the problem. I understand that is what he is trying to do, but without actual proof that he is taking pills, I feel it is hard to not question myself.
I am working hard to do things right this time with confronting him and dealing with this issue. I am researching and asking questions and reading and trying to take care of myself in this process.
Whenever I do accuse my husband of anything, he says, "You have things you need to work on too." I am sure this is true, but he only brings it up when I am upset at him, usually over money issues. This time, when I talked to him about finding those pills and told him what needs to happen for him to stay here, he said the same thing. So I asked what I need to work on. He said that he always feels like he is walking on eggshells around me. Probably true too because we have dealt with his money issues and probable pill abuse for a couple of years at least. He said he thinks we need to go to counseling. I'm fine with this as well, but who would pay for it? He said he would pay half but he cant even keep up with his half of the bills monthly and continues to secretly take out payday loans. I would end up paying all of it. In the past, after he stole money from me, we agreed he would go to therapy first and then we would go to couples counseling, but I think he is lying about going. I think he went once and that is all. With no access to his bank accounts or insurance or anything, I have no way to see if he does what he says he does.
So how do you deal with this blame shifting? First, it makes me consider everything I have done wrong in the relationship but I know I am responsible and take care of money and the home. I don't steal things. I don't hide things. I don't lie about things. I think that is pretty good. But when he does this, it makes me feel bad. It makes me feel like I have been such a controlling b and I start to feel like i am the problem. I understand that is what he is trying to do, but without actual proof that he is taking pills, I feel it is hard to not question myself.
I am working hard to do things right this time with confronting him and dealing with this issue. I am researching and asking questions and reading and trying to take care of myself in this process.
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wasn't it just a few DAYS ago you found a stash of 41 pills?? who is that comedian who says Here's Your Sign??
he's deflecting and blame shifting, for sure. it's done to keep you off balance, make you think you are doing something wrong. even throwing out the "counseling" word throws you. no counselor worth their salt would see a couple when one of them is still actively using....
do you steal from him?
do you abuse drugs?
do you lie about it?
as hard as it is, it's time to stop confronting him. you know he uses. he knows he uses. i understand wanting proof. i understand hating being lied to. i understand wanting to wave it in their face and say SEE?
but it's crazy making. it keeps us embroiled in THEIR addiction. and addiction makes everyone sick.
it is concerning that he has a barrier up and you can't see or access "his" accounts. i do hope that your own accounts are safe. that he cannot do any more damage to your finances.
he's deflecting and blame shifting, for sure. it's done to keep you off balance, make you think you are doing something wrong. even throwing out the "counseling" word throws you. no counselor worth their salt would see a couple when one of them is still actively using....
do you steal from him?
do you abuse drugs?
do you lie about it?
as hard as it is, it's time to stop confronting him. you know he uses. he knows he uses. i understand wanting proof. i understand hating being lied to. i understand wanting to wave it in their face and say SEE?
but it's crazy making. it keeps us embroiled in THEIR addiction. and addiction makes everyone sick.
it is concerning that he has a barrier up and you can't see or access "his" accounts. i do hope that your own accounts are safe. that he cannot do any more damage to your finances.
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That's kind of addiction defense 101
I'd be OK if it weren't for you!
"The addict blames his addictive behavior on his significant other, usually his spouse. He feels resentful and self-pitying about the way he considers himself to be treated and uses this to justify his addiction. Since one of the commonest causes of resentment and self-pity in addicts is criticism by others of their addictive behavior, and since the characteristic response of the addict to such criticism is to escalate addictive behavior, this process tends to be self-perpetuating.
The addict is often quite cruel in highlighting, exaggerating and exploiting any and every defect or flaw the significant other may have, or even in fabricating them out of his own mind in order to justify and rationalize his own behavior".
You might find these articles really helpful:
Addiction, Lies and Relationships
Excuses Alcoholics Make
I'd be OK if it weren't for you!
"The addict blames his addictive behavior on his significant other, usually his spouse. He feels resentful and self-pitying about the way he considers himself to be treated and uses this to justify his addiction. Since one of the commonest causes of resentment and self-pity in addicts is criticism by others of their addictive behavior, and since the characteristic response of the addict to such criticism is to escalate addictive behavior, this process tends to be self-perpetuating.
The addict is often quite cruel in highlighting, exaggerating and exploiting any and every defect or flaw the significant other may have, or even in fabricating them out of his own mind in order to justify and rationalize his own behavior".
You might find these articles really helpful:
Addiction, Lies and Relationships
Excuses Alcoholics Make
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,628
We all need to question our perspective sometimes, we all need to look at our approaches and behavior sometimes. It's how we get to know ourselves and how our boundaries are formed.
This is not about you though.
He's a liar. Now how you can discern when he is lying and when he is not, hmm, that's kind of a tough one right there. There is really no way to know.
The facts (indisputable):
He stole from you. Stealing from someone is horrible but it also shows incredible desperation. What was he so desperate for that he stole your money?
He lied to you. Stealing is lying.
He had (at least) 41 opiods in your house in a bag and then moved them when you discovered them.
He takes out payday loans and hides it.
He spends a lot of money but is unwilling to say on what.
Those are facts.
He deflects, as mentioned, Addiction 101. People who don't have things to hide ANSWER you. You ask a question and they answer you.
If he was not deflecting you wouldn't be where you are right now because he would have answered all your questions willingly. You are married, tied to him legally and he is squandering money, taking out loans he hides and buying drugs.
This is not about you though.
He's a liar. Now how you can discern when he is lying and when he is not, hmm, that's kind of a tough one right there. There is really no way to know.
The facts (indisputable):
He stole from you. Stealing from someone is horrible but it also shows incredible desperation. What was he so desperate for that he stole your money?
He lied to you. Stealing is lying.
He had (at least) 41 opiods in your house in a bag and then moved them when you discovered them.
He takes out payday loans and hides it.
He spends a lot of money but is unwilling to say on what.
Those are facts.
He deflects, as mentioned, Addiction 101. People who don't have things to hide ANSWER you. You ask a question and they answer you.
If he was not deflecting you wouldn't be where you are right now because he would have answered all your questions willingly. You are married, tied to him legally and he is squandering money, taking out loans he hides and buying drugs.
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Join Date: Aug 2019
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII 
it is concerning that he has a barrier up and you can't see or access "his" accounts. i do hope that your own accounts are safe. that he cannot do any more damage to your finances.
yes my accounts are safe. I dont hide my statements or lie about where my money goes. I'm very open when I spend money. But my accounts are closed to him. Thank the lord.
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
and....just me, but stealing from me ONCE is grounds for dismissal. no excuses for that. EVER.
I'd be OK if it weren't for you!
"The addict blames his addictive behavior on his significant other, usually his spouse. He feels resentful and self-pitying about the way he considers himself to be treated and uses this to justify his addiction. Since one of the commonest causes of resentment and self-pity in addicts is criticism by others of their addictive behavior, and since the characteristic response of the addict to such criticism is to escalate addictive behavior, this process tends to be self-perpetuating.
The addict is often quite cruel in highlighting, exaggerating and exploiting any and every defect or flaw the significant other may have, or even in fabricating them out of his own mind in order to justify and rationalize his own behavior".
You might find these articles really
Originally Posted by trailmix
We all need to question our perspective sometimes, we all need to look at our approaches and behavior sometimes. It's how we get to know ourselves and how our boundaries are formed.
This is not about you though.
He's a liar. Now how you can discern when he is lying and when he is not, hmm, that's kind of a tough one right there. There is really no way to know.
The facts (indisputable):
He stole from you. Stealing from someone is horrible but it also shows incredible desperation. What was he so desperate for that he stole your money?
He lied to you. Stealing is lying.
He had (at least) 41 opiods in your house in a bag and then moved them when you discovered them.
He takes out payday loans and hides it.
He spends a lot of money but is unwilling to say on what.
Those are facts.
He deflects, as mentioned, Addiction 101. People who don't have things to hide ANSWER you. You ask a question and they answer you.
If he was not deflecting you wouldn't be where you are right now because he would have answered all your questions willingly. You are married, tied to him legally and he is squandering money, taking out loans he hides and buying drugs.
This is not about you though.
He's a liar. Now how you can discern when he is lying and when he is not, hmm, that's kind of a tough one right there. There is really no way to know.
The facts (indisputable):
He stole from you. Stealing from someone is horrible but it also shows incredible desperation. What was he so desperate for that he stole your money?
He lied to you. Stealing is lying.
He had (at least) 41 opiods in your house in a bag and then moved them when you discovered them.
He takes out payday loans and hides it.
He spends a lot of money but is unwilling to say on what.
Those are facts.
He deflects, as mentioned, Addiction 101. People who don't have things to hide ANSWER you. You ask a question and they answer you.
If he was not deflecting you wouldn't be where you are right now because he would have answered all your questions willingly. You are married, tied to him legally and he is squandering money, taking out loans he hides and buying drugs.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,628
Originally Posted by SmartRose
I came here again today for support on blame shifting because it is really hard to not think about what I may do wrong too.
All of those things listed are just wrong of him, wrong, deceitful and he's hiding something that he is unwilling to let you know about.
Nothing you do or say warrants that kind of behaviour. Are you some kind of off the handle person who screams and yells at him and tries to control him at every turn (that's not what I'm hearing). Do you belittle him and treat him unkindly. Is there anything you do that might force him to want to seek out drugs to numb his miserable life?
Now, that description is, of course, dramatic. I know you don't want to believe that this man is what you know he is, he obviously must have some good qualities because you married him and you are still there, I get that.
Notice when you had your talk you approached him with - what's up with the money and the drugs and he immediately deflects. He says he walks on eggshells etc etc and immediately you ask him what you need to work on. See the two different reactions, he deflects outward, you look inward.
No amount of you trying to blame yourself will change who and what he is though and it's truly the wrong path to take. Really just look at where you are and ask, is this what you want for your life. If it's not, then it's time to plan to get out of there perhaps?
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Nope I am not some kind of off the handle person who screams and yells. Actually, I am proud of myself for approaching things calmly as often as I can, but that only seems to make him more angry. I know it is because he wants to upset me. He wants me to yell too. He wants to be able to blame me for things.
I am so tired of the "I am always walking on eggshells around you. I never know when you are going to be mad at me. You think I am a horrible husband" comments. I think he is a great husband in many ways and a best friend in many ways, or I would not be with him. I am not one to just jump into a long term relationship.
But the fact of the matter is that he lies, steals, hides things, and brought pills into the home more than once. I don't know why he can't see that.
He says, "I have been doing better and paying the Bills and keeping on track, better than I have ever done." He has done somewhat better. Until I found 41 pills in the house. There are just too many lies and secrets to continue.
I just told him that if he cannot be transparent with his finances like I have asked and start making the steps to rebuild trust, then he needs to leave.
yes, we met later in life and both came into this with our own debts and baggage and financial accounts. We chose not to merge those, thank goodness. But, that doesnt mean it should be closed off to each other. If he wants to look at my bank statements, I am an open book. I tell him about everything I purchase. If he can't be transparent, then he is hiding something.
thanks for reading. Sometimes it helps me just to put my thoughts into words. Maybe I need to start journaling.
I am so tired of the "I am always walking on eggshells around you. I never know when you are going to be mad at me. You think I am a horrible husband" comments. I think he is a great husband in many ways and a best friend in many ways, or I would not be with him. I am not one to just jump into a long term relationship.
But the fact of the matter is that he lies, steals, hides things, and brought pills into the home more than once. I don't know why he can't see that.
He says, "I have been doing better and paying the Bills and keeping on track, better than I have ever done." He has done somewhat better. Until I found 41 pills in the house. There are just too many lies and secrets to continue.
I just told him that if he cannot be transparent with his finances like I have asked and start making the steps to rebuild trust, then he needs to leave.
yes, we met later in life and both came into this with our own debts and baggage and financial accounts. We chose not to merge those, thank goodness. But, that doesnt mean it should be closed off to each other. If he wants to look at my bank statements, I am an open book. I tell him about everything I purchase. If he can't be transparent, then he is hiding something.
thanks for reading. Sometimes it helps me just to put my thoughts into words. Maybe I need to start journaling.
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Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 44
I feel like I wrote your post myself. I feel guilty for so many things that I shouldn’t. I feel guilty for being happy now that we are separated. He texts me telling me “you look pretty today” and I feel guilty bc I don’t want him to tell me that. For months and months we went through the blame shifting and deflecting. It’s such a tough spot to be in. I don’t have any advice since I am in the same situation, but I hope you get some comfort knowing that you’re not the only one. We are all rallying in your corner.
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Addicts do anything they can to protect their habit.
They will be nice one minute, mean the next, tell you a truth or a half truth and hide the most important truth, they will tell you they love you one minute and spit venom and blame you for problems you didn't even know they had the next - all to protect their habit.
They will tell you Green is Yellow and Red is Blue so often you'll start to doubt your own senses.
That is how they keep you off base, codependent, manipulated and enabling them.
That is why the 12 steps work well for both addicts and those who love them. If you can figure out what keeps you hooked to your addict - maybe you could step back far enough to take a rational, objective look at this.
I think that is why it is so easy for people to give others insight on this web site. When each of us posts our story, we are in it and hooked. Others can tell us what they see objectively. Sometimes I read my own posts with the "eyes" of others on this site, and even I can see how insane some of my thinking is.
Maybe take some time to write out where you think this story is going. Based on all your experiences, if you don't change how you respond, where do you think you'll be in 2, 3 or 5 years. And that should not be a "if he does x, we will be at y". I should be the story about what if nothing changes - where is it headed. What if he continues to lie, what if he promises to go to therapy but it never happens, what if you find more pills, what if his addiction continues on its current trajectory?
Then, if that scares you enough, maybe you'll find the changes you want to make that will begin to free you. Some of those might be to accept that he lies. Maybe that is accepting your powerlessness over this addiction and exploring what that means to the decisions you need to make for yourself.
I had a therapist one time that simply said to me "what's the solution"? And that floored me because I kept thinking the solution was to fix my addict. When I realized I couldn't do that, the question was - what's the solution to my miserable life? How is my behavior helping - and if it isn't helping, why am I doing it.
Prayers you find the questions you need to answer for yourself to find freedom.
They will be nice one minute, mean the next, tell you a truth or a half truth and hide the most important truth, they will tell you they love you one minute and spit venom and blame you for problems you didn't even know they had the next - all to protect their habit.
They will tell you Green is Yellow and Red is Blue so often you'll start to doubt your own senses.
That is how they keep you off base, codependent, manipulated and enabling them.
That is why the 12 steps work well for both addicts and those who love them. If you can figure out what keeps you hooked to your addict - maybe you could step back far enough to take a rational, objective look at this.
I think that is why it is so easy for people to give others insight on this web site. When each of us posts our story, we are in it and hooked. Others can tell us what they see objectively. Sometimes I read my own posts with the "eyes" of others on this site, and even I can see how insane some of my thinking is.
Maybe take some time to write out where you think this story is going. Based on all your experiences, if you don't change how you respond, where do you think you'll be in 2, 3 or 5 years. And that should not be a "if he does x, we will be at y". I should be the story about what if nothing changes - where is it headed. What if he continues to lie, what if he promises to go to therapy but it never happens, what if you find more pills, what if his addiction continues on its current trajectory?
Then, if that scares you enough, maybe you'll find the changes you want to make that will begin to free you. Some of those might be to accept that he lies. Maybe that is accepting your powerlessness over this addiction and exploring what that means to the decisions you need to make for yourself.
I had a therapist one time that simply said to me "what's the solution"? And that floored me because I kept thinking the solution was to fix my addict. When I realized I couldn't do that, the question was - what's the solution to my miserable life? How is my behavior helping - and if it isn't helping, why am I doing it.
Prayers you find the questions you need to answer for yourself to find freedom.
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Originally Posted by Reneevc
I feel like I wrote your post myself. I feel guilty for so many things that I shouldn’t. I feel guilty for being happy now that we are separated. He texts me telling me “you look pretty today” and I feel guilty bc I don’t want him to tell me that. For months and months we went through the blame shifting and deflecting. It’s such a tough spot to be in. I don’t have any advice since I am in the same situation, but I hope you get some comfort knowing that you’re not the only one. We are all rallying in your corner.
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Yes, it is what Husband's and wives do and family members and good friends, we have each other's back, we take care of each other, we listen and we are kind (mostly!) to each other.
How forgiving would you be if your theoretical "best" friend treated you like your Husband does, or one of your siblings or the woman in the cubicle next to you at work. They gave the silent treatment, lied to you, etc. Would you still be their friend? Would you still confide in your sibling or best friend? Would you be asking the woman in the next cubicle out for lunch?
No, you would probably distance yourself and say well that is who they are, nothing I can do there.
Well your Husband is who he is too. You can't change him, not that you should really try anyway. He is who he is and that's good enough for him and that's all that matters really. He is an addict and he wants to do addict stuff! You can accept that and stay, absolutely, but you can't make him do anything.
Addiction is a really weird thing. It can be hard to understand when you aren't one. The draw of pills/alcohol/heroin is huge. Drugs change the way the brain actually physically functions - to keep that addiction running, addicts crave the drug, they want it, their body is reliant on it and the only thing that calms that is the drug.
Asking him to quit is like asking him to stop eating. He can do it for a little while but the body is going to step in shortly and that drive is huge. You can't change that. To change that takes a huge amount of willpower, resolve, change of mindset, willingness - you can't "make" him or help him to have those things.
How forgiving would you be if your theoretical "best" friend treated you like your Husband does, or one of your siblings or the woman in the cubicle next to you at work. They gave the silent treatment, lied to you, etc. Would you still be their friend? Would you still confide in your sibling or best friend? Would you be asking the woman in the next cubicle out for lunch?
No, you would probably distance yourself and say well that is who they are, nothing I can do there.
Well your Husband is who he is too. You can't change him, not that you should really try anyway. He is who he is and that's good enough for him and that's all that matters really. He is an addict and he wants to do addict stuff! You can accept that and stay, absolutely, but you can't make him do anything.
Addiction is a really weird thing. It can be hard to understand when you aren't one. The draw of pills/alcohol/heroin is huge. Drugs change the way the brain actually physically functions - to keep that addiction running, addicts crave the drug, they want it, their body is reliant on it and the only thing that calms that is the drug.
Asking him to quit is like asking him to stop eating. He can do it for a little while but the body is going to step in shortly and that drive is huge. You can't change that. To change that takes a huge amount of willpower, resolve, change of mindset, willingness - you can't "make" him or help him to have those things.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
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Originally Posted by SmartRose
He said that he always feels like he is walking on eggshells around me. Probably true too because we have dealt with his money issues and probable pill abuse for a couple of years at least. He said he thinks we need to go to counseling. I'm fine with this as well, but who would pay for it? He said he would pay half but he cant even keep up with his half of the bills monthly and continues to secretly take out payday loans. I would end up paying all of it. In the past, after he stole money from me, we agreed he would go to therapy first and then we would go to couples counseling, but I think he is lying about going. I think he went once and that is all. With no access to his bank accounts or insurance or anything, I have no way to see if he does what he says he does.
What he is doing here "you make me walk on eggshells" etc... is gaslighting. Sure, you probably ARE making him walk on eggshells BUT if he doesn't want that happening, he could get real, get help, stop abusing substances and seek recovery. Even an addict who is sober for a while will quack if they are not fully into recovery and taking responsibility for their actions and the impact they have on their life and the lives of their loved ones. He's just redirecting attention away from HIS issues and saying, "but look at you, you're not perfect either".
In regards to marriage counseling, I paid for marriage counseling. It was almost $100 a session every fortnight. The ONLY thing I got out of it was... well, I got nothing. What did my ex get? He got the counselor to enable him. His excuse for his behaviour was that he had mental health difficulties, therefore needed to drug, and the source of the conflict in our marriage was that I did not understand his mental health difficulties and how drugging was helping him. Also his excuse for lying to me constantly was that I had expectations of him, therefore he was stressed by those expectations and needed to drug. So I spent $100 every two weeks to erode my boundaries further, examine my navel lint, and I wasted my fertile years on a man who could not deal with the normal expectations of married life. Trust is fundamental to a monogamous relationship. I could not trust him to tell the truth about anything, I could not trust him in an emergency, I could not trust that he would not steal from me or my family or his friends, I could not trust that being connected to him in any way would keep me safe (legally and physically) both from him and also from his personal choices. While I was with him, I was making the choice every day to trust a person who was untrustworthy.
So... in regards to marriage counseling... I feel that this is something you could consider once the addict has had some sobriety and recovery underway and is READY to be honest. If you go into counseling with an active addict or one who is still trying to gaslight you, you are going to be the only honest person at the session (the addict with lie to and gaslight the counselor and may even use the counselor to gaslight you... depending on how skilled they are at manipulating people.) I threw my money away on counseling and then my ex stole the rest of it and I am starting my life over again single in my 40s (I started over without a dime, if I didn't have relatives to live with, I would have become homeless -- no joke). Being single in your 40s is not bad. But being poor in your 40s is bad.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
Originally Posted by SmartRose
I think he is a great husband in many ways and a best friend in many ways, or I would not be with him. I am not one to just jump into a long term relationship.
But the fact of the matter is that he lies, steals, hides things, and brought pills into the home more than once. I don't know why he can't see that.
But the fact of the matter is that he lies, steals, hides things, and brought pills into the home more than once. I don't know why he can't see that.
Originally Posted by SmartRose
If he wants to look at my bank statements, I am an open book. I tell him about everything I purchase. If he can't be transparent, then he is hiding something.
Maybe I need to start journaling.
Maybe I need to start journaling.
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Originally Posted by OpheliaKatz
In regards to marriage counseling, I paid for marriage counseling. It was almost $100 a session every fortnight. The ONLY thing I got out of it was... well, I got nothing. What did my ex get? He got the counselor to enable him. His excuse for his behaviour was that he had mental health difficulties, therefore needed to drug, and the source of the conflict in our marriage was that I did not understand his mental health difficulties and how drugging was helping him. Also his excuse for lying to me constantly was that I had expectations of him, therefore he was stressed by those expectations and needed to drug. So I spent $100 every two weeks to erode my boundaries further, examine my navel lint, and I wasted my fertile years on a man who could not deal with the normal expectations of married life. Trust is fundamental to a monogamous relationship. I could not trust him to tell the truth about anything, I could not trust him in an emergency, I could not trust that he would not steal from me or my family or his friends, I could not trust that being connected to him in any way would keep me safe (legally and physically) both from him and also from his personal choices. While I was with him, I was making the choice every day to trust a person who was untrustworthy.
So... in regards to marriage counseling... I feel that this is something you could consider once the addict has had some sobriety and recovery underway and is READY to be honest. If you go into counseling with an active addict or one who is still trying to gaslight you, you are going to be the only honest person at the session (the addict with lie to and gaslight the counselor and may even use the counselor to gaslight you... depending on how skilled they are at manipulating people.) I threw my money away on counseling and then my ex stole the rest of it and I am starting my life over again single in my 40s (I started over without a dime, if I didn't have relatives to live with, I would have become homeless -- no joke). Being single in your 40s is not bad. But being poor in your 40s is bad.
So... in regards to marriage counseling... I feel that this is something you could consider once the addict has had some sobriety and recovery underway and is READY to be honest. If you go into counseling with an active addict or one who is still trying to gaslight you, you are going to be the only honest person at the session (the addict with lie to and gaslight the counselor and may even use the counselor to gaslight you... depending on how skilled they are at manipulating people.) I threw my money away on counseling and then my ex stole the rest of it and I am starting my life over again single in my 40s (I started over without a dime, if I didn't have relatives to live with, I would have become homeless -- no joke). Being single in your 40s is not bad. But being poor in your 40s is bad.
I met my husband in my earlier 30s and will be 39 soon. We have struggled with fertility. I went through many tests. He tested ok (on the lower side of normal) when we first began treatments, but after quite awhile, they tested again and he was extremely low. Doctor didn't know why it was such a big decline. I lost my fertile 20s due to not finding the right man, but I feel that my husband has stolen the remainder of my fertile years from me, especially now that I found out he was using pills. Pretty obvious why he has low sperm count now.
You are right. I cannot trust him for a lot of things. Most of our problems are financial, and I cannot trust him to be financially stable and take care of responsibilities. Eventually, I'm going to be broke too. I don't want that to happen. I have worked too hard to get on my feet in my 30s and feel financially comfortable. I feel like I have been losing all of that to him that past few years.
Thank you for sharing your insight. It really does help.
I just need to figure out where to go from here....and how to best approach the situation.
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Originally Posted by OpheliaKatz
Please don't let him look at your bank statements. You don't need to have a joint account for him to steal from you. I learned this the hard way.
But thank you for the warning. I didn't plan on giving him access to my accounts or statements, and I will definitely keep this in mind!
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Well all hell broke loose. Finally had a chance to talk after I gave my list of things I need from him to gain back trust. We got nowhere because all he did was blame shift.
I just need someone to talk to.
I just need someone to talk to.
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i'm in the midst of coloring my hair but i have about 10 minutes.
sorry for the blow up. kinda predictable. remember you are speaking to addiction, it has no rationale, makes no sense, and will not bend to your will or wishes.
imagine he's a tree and you just asked him to please be a goldfish.
the tree said nope, can't and won't do it.
what can you do for you today/tonite/tomorrow?
sorry for the blow up. kinda predictable. remember you are speaking to addiction, it has no rationale, makes no sense, and will not bend to your will or wishes.
imagine he's a tree and you just asked him to please be a goldfish.
the tree said nope, can't and won't do it.
what can you do for you today/tonite/tomorrow?
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Join Date: Aug 2019
Posts: 44
Thanks. I know . You are right. I just don't know where to go from here. I know I'm not perfect, but he makes me feel as if I am such a b... for wanting things a certain way. By a certain way I mean no drugs or lying or stealing money.
I feel so lost. I don't know how to stick to my guns but I plan to.
I feel so lost. I don't know how to stick to my guns but I plan to.
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