ShiftHappens

Why cant I let go? Why cant I let myself be happy?

I thought my sunt would finally accept me annd love me. She never did. Im hesrtbroken.

My sister wont tslk to me unless she needed something.

I took care of everyone but myself

I just want to be free of this guilt and low self esteem

Anna

Shift, it IS time for you to take care of yourself. Try to keep the focus on you and what you can do to get through this difficult time. It doesn't matter what your family members think about it. And, I think if you can take action and get through this issue, your self-esteem will improve.

Are you able to find a way to get to the parole office next week?

Tolkny

I am just going to jump right in and respond - though I do not have answers.

I have been signed up to these forums for years but never used them significantly - now I am trying to get back to restart a recovery from addiction that I first began in 1994.

Earlier today I made a couple of stumbling posts and had some replies - already I feel a little bit connected.

I once heard it said we need to tell our stories as part of our recovery.

So to you ShiftHappens - thanks for starting to tell some of yours - ultimately we need to make our own decisions and take actions that are right for us.

I hope you get more responses and I hope others are more constructive than this.

Best wishes.

Andrew from Essex, England, UK

ShiftHappens

Anna I think I have to go on Friday? God i was so sick this morning. Very dark righr now.

If I have to I will pay for an uber. It will be alot of money though.

ShiftHappens

Thank you Andrew. I would like to learn how to smile and not be so defensive and scared.

The past is replaying over and over for me

My worst nightmare has come true

Tolkny

Sounds like a good plan - well done - as a former parole and probation officer in England, UK - I have an interest in such matters - I hope the parole officer is able to make time to have useful conversations - I know parole is organised rather differently in different places - so I shall not presume anything.

Thanks for posting again.

It is nearly 10pm here - I was up early and need to think about bed soon or I risk getting out of sync, again

ShiftHappens

Thank you for replying to me. Have a good night

FreshStartOk

I think you're trying to sort things with a messed up head and your posts scream mental pain, which is not easy. If you can prioritize what needs doing and what needs putting aside, like stuff you have no control over, you might rest better. Everyone's situations are different, but sounds like it's not always been this bad for you. Tough the bull out and you might not recognize yourself at a future date, at how much better you feel?

ShiftHappens

Thank you FSO. I know you are right.

Thank you. Im afraid I got used to counting on my husband.

It was the first place I felt safe in my life.

Thank you for the sound thinking

FreshStartOk

Well I might be full of rubbish.

It sounds like you feel on the brink, whether you are or not. I'm no stranger to that feeling, but sometimes when things seem or are screwed, the thought of us actually doing our best when we can next time or next day is calming. WTF more can you do?

ShiftHappens

Thats my problem. The constant obsessing and replaying...

Thats why I finally agreed to meds.

Believe it or not I was a total health food junkie.

My fights with ex were all abour how much I spent on vitamins.

Since childhood I think I saw my mom always crying and upset and learned maladaptive crap.

I feel very inauthentic. I dont believe I ever developed a solid sense of self

Thank you

ShiftHappens

All I remember is calling my sister and saying "Al, Something is very wrong with me". Then I discovered my husbands wine.

Ladysadie

I hope you take steps for getting help. You seem to be stuck in doing nothing but complaining. I am not seeing any action you have taken. You haven't reported reaching out to services. I gave my best advice. You seem to thrive on creating drama. Good luck to you. It probably won't serve you well but you have gotten lots of attention and advice (which you haven't wanted to take).

Your life is up to YOU. Not your husband, not your family but you. It's up to you to make the next move, to begin your steps toward living. Unfortunately you are blaming your situation on being a victim. Pick your self up off the floor and start walking towards good things going. I do not feel sorry for yourself if you keep playing the victim role. You have a phone, you have a voice. Get off your butt and make some contacts with people that are in services that can connect you with help.

Dee74

I understand about tough love but gee whiz people...I think if anyone really feels the need to tell someone they're only here for attention, need to get off their butt or whatever they can either send a private message (thereby putting their money where their mouth is and avoid attention being drawn to themselves)....or perhaps even better log off, walk around the block, or just move on to other thread.

I prefer this forum to remain constructive and welcoming. I'd really hate to enforce that by removing posts.

I think we can be self governing in this respect.

Dee
Administrator
SR

Dee74

Shift I understand how paralysing it can be to be caught/stuck in fear.

If we can help you take even the smallest step forward I think we'll be doing well on both sides

Misssy2

Its work "Shift" to get the self esteem back and then the happiness follows.
You know drinking is a depressant so that automatically brings us down and harms our self esteem.

I quit drinking 60 days ago and I believe you have been struggling the whole 60 days...and when I started this 60 days I felt much in despair as you do....that's why I notice you..that is why I reply to you...because when I first got sober my first few days...it was YOU I could relate with.

You have to work yourself out of these yucky feelings...literally even for the simplest things I do...even if it is bend down and pick up something from my floor that has been sitting there for 2 weeks! I tell myself I am amazing....

If I cook a meal I tell myself I'm a good cook, if I shower...I tell myself I look and feel amazing....If I hold a door for someone I tell myself I am nice....after 60 days of doing this stuff all day long....I believe I am a decent person...SOBER...and I believe that my self esteem has risen to a "healthier" level.

I used to hunch over pushing a shopping cart in the market....I make an effort to stand up and hold on to the carriage now...It is hard....my body wants to shrink into its shell and not be seen by others...But I have just as much right..to live on this planet and function in this world as anyone else.

Actually it is a gift we have been given to be alive...And I think people who quit drinking who have been thru hell and back...are really amazing people.

ShiftHappens

LS That was an extremely thoughtless, judgemental inaccurate thing to say.

You may drink, you may be female, but you do not experience life as I presently am or walk in my shoes.

I am not crippled, in a wheelchair or on crutches but what you are doing is the equivalent of bullying and kicking the crutches out from under someone.

Good night.

ShiftHappens

You actually sound like my mother and my aunt, who both ignored my first suicide attempt at 16 by dismissing it as attention seeking.

ShiftHappens

Dee please delete if I violated rules.

I have to log off.

This happened last time.

Im not getting hurt anymore or being put down.

Thank you

Dee74

Hi everyone

when I post on a thread about responses recieved it's with the idea that I comment so you guys don't have to

Personal back and forth sniping is not really going to help anyone - again, the best thing is to move on or report a post if you think it breaks the rules...

send a PM if you must, but please lets keep this thread constructive and supportive.

Dee
Administrator
SR