jjwinters

I had posted some time back that I had just broken up with my A girlfriend. I feel pretty ashamed to say that I fell back into the relationship days later. I felt so shameful about it, I couldn't even log back in here and read the remaining replies to my post.

At the time, my girlfriend agreed to limit her drinking. In order to save the relationship, she was willing to stop getting "drunk." Well, that lasted for a little while and then quickly escalated back to what it was.

She was just obsessed with what the alcohol situation was just about every single day. If we were going to a friend's get together, she would be genuinely concerned that there wouldn't be anything for her to drink. She was incapable of going to any kind of social event where she didn't make sure she had wine or vodka/soda. If she wasn't sure they had it, she would bring it. This never struck her as a problem.

My resentment just snowballed. It became such a huge turnoff that it became incredibly hard for me to be intimate with her. I just cannot bring myself to be affectionate towards someone that can't walk straight and is slurring their speech. That's what I had to deal with almost every time we went out. And when we got back, first thing she would do is go to the fridge to get more wine.

There are too many problems to list here, but we just went to her friend's wedding this past weekend. She basically stops eating and drinks until she can barely walk and is totally belligerent. She was licking my face and making me super uncomfortable. It wouldn't be odd to get drunk at a wedding if she weren't getting drunk constantly. None of her friends were remotely as drunk as she was.

She wanted to go a bar after the wedding and I nixed that idea. We take an Uber home and she invites the driver into our hotel room to use the bathroom! I could not believe she would invite a complete strange into our room late at night. My dog was also in there and is incredibly fearful of people she doesn't know (she's part wolf.) When she drinks, she literally thinks anything is a good idea and becomes totally reckless.

Needless to say, I was pretty angry. I simply told her I could not believe she would invite a stranger into our room and that I was really angry about it. She replied that she no longer wanted to date me.

So here I am again... I have never felt so frustrated, hurt, angry, betrayed etc. I know this relationship has done tremendous damage to my self worth. I will be seeking therapy as soon as I can to make sure I am in the right space to not let something like this happen again. I should have been out of that relationship within a month.

Onefortheditch

Seren

Hi jj,

Yeah, sometimes we just don't want something to end because we fear the alone. I'm glad you are going to seek counseling. It has helped me a lot! When you are ready--the right person will be there

trailmix

First off, you never need to be embarrassed to post here. You are not the first person who went back to their qualifier and you won't be the last. We are not here to judge you.

No one wants to leave the person they love, none of this is easy. Even if a person is an alcoholic, that doesn't mean they are some kind of demon, deep down they probably have a lot of good qualities.

Well, maybe this experience wasn't all bad. Despite the fact that you are feeling really terrible, you now know the reality of it, not the thought you might have had in your head when you first broke up. The "maybe if she", her promise to moderate (alcoholics cannot moderate), her obsession with ensuring that alcohol be present wherever she was etc

It's no fairytale and I don't recommend it.

Yes, your self-esteem and self-worth needs working on, you do deserve to have a happy, peaceful life and this is certainly not it.

So while it may not be ideal, sometimes revisiting a relationship when we have had time and distance - things look different, we are no longer in some kind of fog. (Again, I don't recommend it).

I did this once in one relationship. The second go round was short lived and I never went back after that. I have always taken that second go round as a good thing as confusing and annoying and ultimately sad as it was.

That sadness didn't last long, a few weeks at most because my eyes were open. This is who he is and that had no place in my life. I hope you will come to see this shortly, if you haven't already.

FallenAngelina

There are precious few of us who can say that we confidently parted from our alcoholic the first time we needed to. We're all here because we all struggle with loving an alcoholic and not doing everything "right." You're in good company and in a good place to talk, listen and learn. Welcome back.

LovePeaceSushi

Glad to see you back, jj. No shame here.

doggonecarl

This can be the last stop for the crazy train. Good luck.

hopeful4

When the pain of staying is more than the pain of leaving the relationship, you will leave. This goes for all of use.

Sending lots of support to you! Don't ever be ashamed or feel like you cannot come here for support, no matter what the truth may be.

jjwinters

As I'm sure a lot of you can relate, I'm just incredibly disappointed in myself that I wasn't strong enough to leave, or stay broken up. Not to mention, there has been a great deal of collateral damage in this relationship. I've lost a lot of friends who couldn't deal with me getting so upset and going back to her every time. She was controlling, manipulative, and incredibly demanding, which made it nearly impossible to maintain any of my friendships.

Trailmix, you raise a good point about no longer having to wonder what would have happened had I cut out early. That was certainly a fear at the time. There's no denying at this point what a life with her would look like.

I broke up with my previous girlfriend and we almost reconnected after a year of being broken up. Within days, I was like "Yep! Breaking up was the right choice." Everything that was bad about that relationship was painfully clear after having that space to myself. When you're starting a bad relationship, it's often like a gradual sink to the bottom. You wake up one day, it's just dark and you don't know how to get out.

trailmix

You know how to get out perhaps but you know where that leads, pain.

That's a tough choice. Do I put up with this pain or do I go with what may be a shorter but more painful pain for my long term well-being.

It's a horrible choice! It is also one that has to be made.

To top it all off, choice one is not all pain. There are usually some happy times thrown in there.

Never let the fear of that pain stop you. It's just not worth it.

In future I think what you will find is that you won't be lulled in. When you see red flags early on you won't ignore them (at least I hope not). Working on your self-esteem will help with this.

That's a great thing!

Trashpanda1989

I am very sympathetic to you. My A boyfriend just broke up with me again.we were together three months after he got out of rehab and promised he was fixing himself and wanted to marry me and have children and he loved me. I gave everything I could as I watched him slip back into heavy drinking and coming home every night to an angry jobless alcoholic. We begin to resent that person deeply. I had to learn the hard way that no matter what you cannot control a person or their choices. Ultimately, she'll have to make a choice whether it's permanently losing you, getting in trouble with the law there has to be a negative enough consequence for her to change herself. It is a horrible feeling to feel helpless to change the situation but I would distance yourself for awhile and talk to her when she is sober. Take care of yourself always

California123

Sounds just like my ex! Who is at the moment coming back for me in a major way..

jjwinters

This forum has been a life-saver for me. Whenever I'm feeling weak, or unsure of my decision, I just come back and re-read everyone's comments.

I've never quite felt under a spell like this. I actually find myself questioning if someone that has to drink every day, at every occasion, often in excess, gets angry when alcohol isn't available, disappears when they drink out of town, is verbally abusive when they drink, can't stop drinking, purposely doesn't eat so they get more drunk, has to buy liquor on the way home from already drinking, drinks by themselves, tries to force me to drink, if we have time in a random location will get a drink, has driven drunk, the list goes on and on ---- is an alcoholic.

I just have to try my best to make it through the hard part of this so I can get out of this manipulative fog. I am already feeling like I am having to re-adjust to normal life. The lack of chaos is actually eerie to me.

trailmix

One of the things you could be experiencing is that in order to be in a relationship with an addict you have to make a lot of excuses for them.

Maybe they have depression, anxiety, agoraphobia, ocd etc etc and they have decided to self-medicate. Not a good choice of medication, obviously.

Well then you might start to give them a pass. If she wasn't an alcoholic she wouldn't have said that/done that. It's just because she is in pain. She really does love me, she said so and when she is sober she is actually nice (sometimes).

Just because you broke up doesn't mean all that goes away. Eventually you will realize that regardless of the reason, it was not a good place for you and that an addict can't really be in a relationship.

The fog will lift.

Did you ever write a list for yourself of all the terrible things she said and did?

Bekindalways

Hey JJ welcome back and certainly no shame that you went back to her. I went back so so many times. Many people never get away. It is so so tough.

This might be poor comfort but you now know about relationships with alcoholics. You can never un-know this.

We have so many people here who have been told by folk not in-the-know stuff like "She will snap out of it", "Have you been supportive?", "Maybe you should have a good talk with her?".

You and all of us here know these ideas are poppycock. Because of your experience there is one more person walking around in this world that understands this and also understands why we will go back.

Please take care of yourself in the coming weeks and months. This can be super tough time.

jjwinters

Oddly, I haven't been trying to make excuses for her behavior. In fact, I've tried to learn how to tolerate it. I've tried to convince myself it's something I can deal with because I get to have the charming person X% of the time. That's better than having no one, right??

It's especially dangerous with me because I rarely come across anyone that I develop feelings for. So when I do, I have a very hard time of letting go. And yes Bekindalways, I have certainly learned that there is nothing I can do to change her. The irony is, as long as I stay with her, she will change nothing.

I did write a list sometime back of all of the hurtful things she said and did. It was shocking to say the least. I have suppressed a lot of it. A fraction of it is enough for anyone to objectively tell me to run for the hills.

This day has just gotten worse and worse for me as it's progressed. I feel a tremendous sense of loss. I feel doubt. I am angry at her. I feel terrified that there isn't hope for me to recover (not just from this.) Life has been pretty brutal to me and every year just feels like a challenge to survive. The idea of a healthy relationship and successful career seem like some kind of distant impossibility.

I don't want to pity myself. But I think for the purposes of healing and this forum, I should be honest with how I really think.

trailmix

Absolutely. So you managed to detach and let her do her own thing basically. It's not a horrible approach if you have to have one (ie: a healthier coping mechanism). But of course this relationship did affect you daily and it did hurt you.

This is all new and is probably still really emotional for you. It makes it easier to sink in to a really dark place. Try to slam the door on that.

Don't pile things up. I broke up with my g/f, my job isn't progressing as I want it to, it's been raining all week, my car is leaking oil.

That's not the list you want to make.

What are you grateful for, that would be a better focus. Now I'm not saying that all in your world is rainbows and unicorns, just that when you are dealing with something as emotional as this, making a list of all the negatives in your life and then adding on top that it's probably always going to be like this - well you get the picture.

You found her! She is obviously not in any kind of position to be in a relationship, but what it does mean is you can certainly find someone, you did.

Try to focus more on yourself than on these other things. What do you really want? What do you enjoy? Do you need a change of career? If you're not sure, now might be a good time to investigate job opportunities or courses you might take to put you where you want to be. You have the power to change things.

SmallButMighty

jj, You are grieving...and grieving, feels, well...grievous. It's about the worst feeling anyone can feel. It's all those feelings you describe all rolled up in to one big nasty hole in your heart and pain in your gut. We've all been there, it sucks.

It always feel overwhelming for a while, but it wont always feel this way. The worst part is that you have to go through it, there is no way around it.

The good news is, you don't have to figure everything out this very minute. You just have to breathe and keep moving forward however slow that is. Don't waste any of your precious energy trying to force things you have no control over.

Be kind to yourself, it takes time to adjust to the quiet after the storm. All that extra adrenaline and cortisol doesn't know what to do with itself and makes us pretty edgy until our brain learns it doesn't have to be in constant "fight or flight" mode anymore. You will get there, it just takes time, usually more time then we want it to, but eventually everything evens out.

Glad you came back to talk things out with us. Hope you stick around.

FallenAngelina

Chaos, excitement, the intense presence of someone - it's common to feel the relief from this as eerie. Some people feel unbearable boredom. Just know that this is normal.

Those of us who swing right back to the alcoholic sometimes do so because this eerie silence is so unfamiliar. Everyone tells us that we should want a peaceful life and when things go suddenly dark with the absence of the drinker, we're not sure what to do with ourselves. Just know that this uneasy feeling is normal and that it will pass. We have become rather addicted to the crazy and we're in the first few days of sobriety, ourselves. Learning to live in a new way, learning to live in serenity, takes time. It's weird at first, but then it becomes the new normal and life can become colorful again in all kinds of healthy new ways.

Just kicking the drinker out of our lives is only the first step. It does not solve all of our issues and in fact, brings up issues of its own. Our lives get better when we change, not just because the problem person is absent. So, really good insight on your part, jjwinters.

trailmix

Yes, good points Angelina makes.

I can't tell you how many times I've read or heard of people trying to be sober that they are "bored".

As bad as excessive drinking might be, there is a world of craziness that can accompany it, pubs and clubs and drama and ridiculousness.

Then it's quiet and they are sitting on the porch with a cup of tea.

So yes, it can feel absolutely boring!

That's when you look to other things to satisfy your sense of adventure and excitement. Do things you would not normally do. Go to a place you wouldn't go to - go go-carting, bungee jumping, glamping overnight, something, anything different.

When is the last time you walked to the corner cafe or store to grab coffee? Last time you went to a movie by yourself? Last time you went to the store and bought ingredients for dinner?

Last time you went and bought yourself new running shoes.

I don't know, maybe you buy running shoes weekly while dashing to the store for dinner ingredients lol - in which case those examples are really lame! But you get the idea.

If you want to change this - change it, change your norm, let your mind engage in these not-normal activities. While some may not be all that exciting, they are different and that can be fun.