My codependency triggers my drinking
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 366
My codependency triggers my drinking
I'm back after another long absence. More than a year ago I had three sober months (which is the longest I've ever had in about 25 years). Since then my drinking has been a bit better. I'm a daily drinker with a few times of month of very heavy binging. I'm 8 days alcohol free today. For reasons that make no sense, I've never suffered any physical withdrawal symptoms so I feel physically perfectly fine today.
Normally I participate in a sporting activity with my hubby on Saturdays (just for clarification, I'm an middle aged, overweight woman . . . so the term "sporting" may not be completely the right word . . . anyway . . .), but passed today since there is usually a party afterwards that includes alcohol and I didn't see any reason to tempt myself.
About six months ago I realized I had some pretty strong codependent tendencies and that this is triggering for me. It's like a light switch got switched and suddenly my stress levels have declined significantly once I started to address the codependency and step back from the dysfunctional webs I was caught up in. I started saying "no" to unreasonable requests. I've been pushing back when people have challenged my boundaries, etc . . .
And seemingly like magic my desire to drink declined with my stress.
Clearly I was dealing with stress by drinking.
Eight days ago I decided to be become a "non drinker". Nothing really caused me to make this decision. There was no bad incident or anything. It was just realizing the drinking was draining my energy.
A few days ago I had to interact with my family. It involved an issue where I had to instruct several family members on how to handle something ongoing (since I am now taking a big step back). This is something that they should have always been handling. It was exhausting because my family is HUGELY critical of me at the same time that they are HUGELY dependent upon me. I actually had to train my siblings on how to do it, and they in turn will train my father since my father thinks I'm "too dumb" to explain it to him. (My father seems to actually hate me.) It's an unfair situation for me to be in, but one that is very familiar for me.
Anyway a few days later and this is weighing on my mind. My hubby actually did something similarly disrespectful today to me; reminding me to follow up on something in a really condescending way (something I always handle without his input . . . something he wouldn't even know how to handle himself).
Arg!
Hubby admitted he did it because he was feeling guilty about heading off to have fun while I stayed home to work on some things that need doing (even though I volunteered to stay home).
Anyway, I'm just here typing this out because I'm so frustrated, angry and really hurt. Mainly I think I'm really hurt. And I wish I had something to just ease this pain. Something to blur the edges of this pain. Of course, that usually is alcohol.
But I don't drink anymore sooooooo . . .
I tried googling being a codependent alcoholic but I'm not finding much.
Can anyone relate???
Normally I participate in a sporting activity with my hubby on Saturdays (just for clarification, I'm an middle aged, overweight woman . . . so the term "sporting" may not be completely the right word . . . anyway . . .), but passed today since there is usually a party afterwards that includes alcohol and I didn't see any reason to tempt myself.
About six months ago I realized I had some pretty strong codependent tendencies and that this is triggering for me. It's like a light switch got switched and suddenly my stress levels have declined significantly once I started to address the codependency and step back from the dysfunctional webs I was caught up in. I started saying "no" to unreasonable requests. I've been pushing back when people have challenged my boundaries, etc . . .
And seemingly like magic my desire to drink declined with my stress.
Clearly I was dealing with stress by drinking.
Eight days ago I decided to be become a "non drinker". Nothing really caused me to make this decision. There was no bad incident or anything. It was just realizing the drinking was draining my energy.
A few days ago I had to interact with my family. It involved an issue where I had to instruct several family members on how to handle something ongoing (since I am now taking a big step back). This is something that they should have always been handling. It was exhausting because my family is HUGELY critical of me at the same time that they are HUGELY dependent upon me. I actually had to train my siblings on how to do it, and they in turn will train my father since my father thinks I'm "too dumb" to explain it to him. (My father seems to actually hate me.) It's an unfair situation for me to be in, but one that is very familiar for me.
Anyway a few days later and this is weighing on my mind. My hubby actually did something similarly disrespectful today to me; reminding me to follow up on something in a really condescending way (something I always handle without his input . . . something he wouldn't even know how to handle himself).
Arg!
Hubby admitted he did it because he was feeling guilty about heading off to have fun while I stayed home to work on some things that need doing (even though I volunteered to stay home).
Anyway, I'm just here typing this out because I'm so frustrated, angry and really hurt. Mainly I think I'm really hurt. And I wish I had something to just ease this pain. Something to blur the edges of this pain. Of course, that usually is alcohol.
But I don't drink anymore sooooooo . . .
I tried googling being a codependent alcoholic but I'm not finding much.
Can anyone relate???
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,439
Welcome back Milly 
I was a people pleaser and that, to a certain extent contributed to my drinking, although I think it's more correct to say my inability to stand up for my own needs, my fear people didn't like me, and my need to control everything in my life and those I loved contributed to me drinking.
I found Codependent No More by Melody Beattie an eye opening read.
There's nothing about alcoholism in it per se but if you haven't read it its worth a read
I was a people pleaser and that, to a certain extent contributed to my drinking, although I think it's more correct to say my inability to stand up for my own needs, my fear people didn't like me, and my need to control everything in my life and those I loved contributed to me drinking.
I found Codependent No More by Melody Beattie an eye opening read.
There's nothing about alcoholism in it per se but if you haven't read it its worth a read
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Warwick RI
Posts: 1,276
100% I can identify....Its more difficult for you thou because you are married.
I recently stopped talking to someone I was very codependent on and he on me....and when I am not talking to him I am super strong, confident...and feel better.
when I get sucked back in like this week...I get anxious, discontent, fearful, angry, etc....I have chose to back off from this person and focus on me....
Since you are married thou...the only suggestion I have for you is to not react to his moods..and try not to react to YOUR moods....You are going to be "moody" you are in recovery and on top of that you are not the "happiest" in your marriage.
tell yourself that for now the only thing you have to focus on making "good" is your sobriety...once you have some time under your belt....then you maybe can take a look at this marriage and decide if it is still in your best interest to be married to this man.....but this is DOWN THE LINE...NOW is not the time....
Try to get some sobriety under your belt..and try not to let him get under your skin.
I recently stopped talking to someone I was very codependent on and he on me....and when I am not talking to him I am super strong, confident...and feel better.
when I get sucked back in like this week...I get anxious, discontent, fearful, angry, etc....I have chose to back off from this person and focus on me....
Since you are married thou...the only suggestion I have for you is to not react to his moods..and try not to react to YOUR moods....You are going to be "moody" you are in recovery and on top of that you are not the "happiest" in your marriage.
tell yourself that for now the only thing you have to focus on making "good" is your sobriety...once you have some time under your belt....then you maybe can take a look at this marriage and decide if it is still in your best interest to be married to this man.....but this is DOWN THE LINE...NOW is not the time....
Try to get some sobriety under your belt..and try not to let him get under your skin.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
There is a book called Codependent no More by Melodie Beatty, it's often recommended in the Friends and Family forum here.
There is a lot in there about boundaries in relationships and that might be really helpful.
I'm glad you are stepping back and your stress levels are diminishing, that's a huge achievement right there.
There is a lot in there about boundaries in relationships and that might be really helpful.
I'm glad you are stepping back and your stress levels are diminishing, that's a huge achievement right there.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 325
Milly!!!!
Welcome back, it is wonderful to see you. I have just stepped back here after a long absence and it is lovely to ‘see’ you again.
Recognising co-dependency and its effects is a powerful thing and I know how much you do to support others. I’m sorry you are feeling so hurt, but really glad you came here instead of drinking.
Your family situation sounds challenging, I don’t have personal experience of that with family, but have with friends. Sometimes it can feel as if people are almost emotional vampires and you are spot on when you say you have to train them to help themselves.
I work with children with disabilities and one of the struggles parents face is not doing too much for their kids because of their diverse needs. If they don’t step back then we often see learned helplessness develop and that can get in the way of them developing independent lives as adults.
Well done for recognising you need to step back and encourage others to stand up for themselves, you will get push back I am sure and that can be very hard and hurtful, but stick to your guns and they will come round in time.
Congratulations on 8 days.
Welcome back, it is wonderful to see you. I have just stepped back here after a long absence and it is lovely to ‘see’ you again.
Recognising co-dependency and its effects is a powerful thing and I know how much you do to support others. I’m sorry you are feeling so hurt, but really glad you came here instead of drinking.
Your family situation sounds challenging, I don’t have personal experience of that with family, but have with friends. Sometimes it can feel as if people are almost emotional vampires and you are spot on when you say you have to train them to help themselves.
I work with children with disabilities and one of the struggles parents face is not doing too much for their kids because of their diverse needs. If they don’t step back then we often see learned helplessness develop and that can get in the way of them developing independent lives as adults.
Well done for recognising you need to step back and encourage others to stand up for themselves, you will get push back I am sure and that can be very hard and hurtful, but stick to your guns and they will come round in time.
Congratulations on 8 days.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 984
Milly it is so good to see you back - we’ve really missed you! Please do pop by the old class of January 2018 thread any time. You guys were and continue to be by rock through this sober journey.
Has the situation improved a little with your siblings and father, have they started taking over their share of the work?
I hope you’re doing well.
Has the situation improved a little with your siblings and father, have they started taking over their share of the work?
I hope you’re doing well.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
I know codependency was my first problem.
Then I drank to deal with that.
When I stopped being the girl that went along with everyone, helped everyone, tried to fix everything, life got a whole heckofalot easier.
There are some really good Sticky threads at the top(s) of the Friends & Family subforums.
I also got a lot out of a few different self-help books and the Bible. There is a good Books thread here on SR - might be worth a look.
Life is a lot easier when I just accept the things I cannot change, change the things I can, and use discernment so I know the difference.
Then I drank to deal with that.
When I stopped being the girl that went along with everyone, helped everyone, tried to fix everything, life got a whole heckofalot easier.
There are some really good Sticky threads at the top(s) of the Friends & Family subforums.
I also got a lot out of a few different self-help books and the Bible. There is a good Books thread here on SR - might be worth a look.
Life is a lot easier when I just accept the things I cannot change, change the things I can, and use discernment so I know the difference.
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