Needing advise and support
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Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 44
Needing advise and support
I am back on this site, of course that means that I am needing some advise and support. I originally posted in 2017 and yes I am still in love with my alcoholic addict.
We have some really great times and then times of conflict. Long story short, my alcoholic addict feels that I have hurt his feelings and he has broken up with me.
He tells me he always thinks of me. I am thinking that communication is a huge part of where we are at. He blocked me from social media and even blocked my number. I eventually reached out to him and we spoke for about an hour. He figures it was me calling from a blocked number and he answered the call. We later spoke a week later when I called from the blocked number and he told me that he unblocked me. We spoke for another two hours that time. He expressed that he didn’t feel that I put up his pictures of him and felt I was not talking about him with my co workers. He felt I wasn’t proud of him. I know he is feeling insecure and I was reassuring him that he is important to me.
More went on about commitment. I asked why he never asked for me to commit to him and he told me that he had planned to and even down to how he was going to ask me. I have learned more about him in his insecure attachment and the recovery. I don’t feel that he has been putting in the work in his recovery.
I want ant to support him in any way I can. I have a letter written that I want to send him. The letter is just a reflection of our 2 year relationship. The letter is supportive of him and his recovery and goes on to tell him what a great man he is.
Any advise?
We have some really great times and then times of conflict. Long story short, my alcoholic addict feels that I have hurt his feelings and he has broken up with me.
He tells me he always thinks of me. I am thinking that communication is a huge part of where we are at. He blocked me from social media and even blocked my number. I eventually reached out to him and we spoke for about an hour. He figures it was me calling from a blocked number and he answered the call. We later spoke a week later when I called from the blocked number and he told me that he unblocked me. We spoke for another two hours that time. He expressed that he didn’t feel that I put up his pictures of him and felt I was not talking about him with my co workers. He felt I wasn’t proud of him. I know he is feeling insecure and I was reassuring him that he is important to me.
More went on about commitment. I asked why he never asked for me to commit to him and he told me that he had planned to and even down to how he was going to ask me. I have learned more about him in his insecure attachment and the recovery. I don’t feel that he has been putting in the work in his recovery.
I want ant to support him in any way I can. I have a letter written that I want to send him. The letter is just a reflection of our 2 year relationship. The letter is supportive of him and his recovery and goes on to tell him what a great man he is.
Any advise?
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Don’t reward a tantrum unless you want more of them?
I am tired and blunt today, so I’m sorry if that sounds harsh. But the “prove how much you love me or I’m taking my marbles and going home” stuff is just manipulative, immature, and sad.
If you jump through an emotional hoop every time he demands it, you’re going to be doing a lot of jumping.
“I don’t feel that he has been putting in the work in his recovery. “
This says it all, yes?
You are not responsible for how he feels. Being supportive does not mean being an emotional hostage.
Sending you hope for strength and clarity...
I am tired and blunt today, so I’m sorry if that sounds harsh. But the “prove how much you love me or I’m taking my marbles and going home” stuff is just manipulative, immature, and sad.
If you jump through an emotional hoop every time he demands it, you’re going to be doing a lot of jumping.
“I don’t feel that he has been putting in the work in his recovery. “
This says it all, yes?
You are not responsible for how he feels. Being supportive does not mean being an emotional hostage.
Sending you hope for strength and clarity...
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: uk
Posts: 2,428
Any advice?
Mine is step away. Do not let yourself get pulled into this insanity and chaos. Do not send him that letter. Erm, all he has done is list your "failings". You don't need or deserve that.
I expect reality is he is looking for a fall back enabler. That would be you!
Focus on you and building the life you want. The wonderful fulfilling life you deserve. All the best to you.
Mine is step away. Do not let yourself get pulled into this insanity and chaos. Do not send him that letter. Erm, all he has done is list your "failings". You don't need or deserve that.
I expect reality is he is looking for a fall back enabler. That would be you!
Focus on you and building the life you want. The wonderful fulfilling life you deserve. All the best to you.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,630
This is a pattern you have gotten in to. Nothing has changed in the last - almost - 2 years, you are right where you were then.
He gets his feelings hurt or pulls away for whatever reason (recovery, hurt feelings etc) and breaks up with you.
You two continue to stay in contact, make up and continue on.
That's not changing, as I said, it's exactly the same place you were at 2-ish years ago.
Now that's ok, if you are ok with that. Breaking up, patching things up, getting back together. That is what you have and that is - what you have.
I don't think a letter or any amount of talking is going to change that pattern, do you?
You have said this in all your posts pretty much:
Is that what you are looking for advice on? Generally my advice on that is, you didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's), which is often stated in this forum.
Why?
Because you can't. Recovery from addiction is an inside job, for him to accomplish. Now if by support you mean - I don't know, watching a comedy with him when he needs cheering up - I guess that's helpful? But you can't "fix" him, you can't change him and why would you want to anyway? He is who he is.
So how about just carrying on as you always have? Does that work for you? If not you are the only person who can change that dynamic. If you are not happy with this tell him you need a commitment and don't want to do this back and forth thing anymore.
He gets his feelings hurt or pulls away for whatever reason (recovery, hurt feelings etc) and breaks up with you.
You two continue to stay in contact, make up and continue on.
That's not changing, as I said, it's exactly the same place you were at 2-ish years ago.
Now that's ok, if you are ok with that. Breaking up, patching things up, getting back together. That is what you have and that is - what you have.
I don't think a letter or any amount of talking is going to change that pattern, do you?
You have said this in all your posts pretty much:
I want ant to support him in any way I can
Why?
Because you can't. Recovery from addiction is an inside job, for him to accomplish. Now if by support you mean - I don't know, watching a comedy with him when he needs cheering up - I guess that's helpful? But you can't "fix" him, you can't change him and why would you want to anyway? He is who he is.
So how about just carrying on as you always have? Does that work for you? If not you are the only person who can change that dynamic. If you are not happy with this tell him you need a commitment and don't want to do this back and forth thing anymore.
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Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 395
Sometimes we quickly become addicted to the toxic and destructive cycle of breaking up... getting back together... fighting... breaking up... returning... repeat, repeat, repeat. Things never change if things don’t change. Things never get better... Same, same, same. Ugh this pattern gets pretty bad. So you’re then dealing with multiple levels of addiction. Including your own. I was right there in many ways. The toxic repetition becomes quite destructive and I’ll tell you... over time, this eats away at your strength and well being. It isn’t healthy. And everything gets blurred... because everything is so unhealthy. He’s definitely manipulating you but you’re taking part in the toxic cycle. Individual therapy helps... then deciding what you truly want for yourself. Not what’s best for him... what’s best for you!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 44
Originally Posted by Ariesagain 
Don’t reward a tantrum unless you want more of them?
I am tired and blunt today, so I’m sorry if that sounds harsh. But the “prove how much you love me or I’m taking my marbles and going home” stuff is just manipulative, immature, and sad.
If you jump through an emotional hoop every time he demands it, you’re going to be doing a lot of jumping.
“I don’t feel that he has been putting in the work in his recovery. “
This says it all, yes?
You are not responsible for how he feels. Being supportive does not mean being an emotional hostage.
Sending you hope for strength and clarity...
I am tired and blunt today, so I’m sorry if that sounds harsh. But the “prove how much you love me or I’m taking my marbles and going home” stuff is just manipulative, immature, and sad.
If you jump through an emotional hoop every time he demands it, you’re going to be doing a lot of jumping.
“I don’t feel that he has been putting in the work in his recovery. “
This says it all, yes?
You are not responsible for how he feels. Being supportive does not mean being an emotional hostage.
Sending you hope for strength and clarity...
I agree he hasn’t put in the work, just wants to blame me for everything. I will support from a distance but do not want to be that emotional hostage.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 44
Originally Posted by PeacefulWater12
Any advice?
Mine is step away. Do not let yourself get pulled into this insanity and chaos. Do not send him that letter. Erm, all he has done is list your "failings". You don't need or deserve that.
I expect reality is he is looking for a fall back enabler. That would be you!
Focus on you and building the life you want. The wonderful fulfilling life you deserve. All the best to you.
Mine is step away. Do not let yourself get pulled into this insanity and chaos. Do not send him that letter. Erm, all he has done is list your "failings". You don't need or deserve that.
I expect reality is he is looking for a fall back enabler. That would be you!
Focus on you and building the life you want. The wonderful fulfilling life you deserve. All the best to you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 44
Originally Posted by trailmix
This is a pattern you have gotten in to. Nothing has changed in the last - almost - 2 years, you are right where you were then.
He gets his feelings hurt or pulls away for whatever reason (recovery, hurt feelings etc) and breaks up with you.
You two continue to stay in contact, make up and continue on.
That's not changing, as I said, it's exactly the same place you were at 2-ish years ago.
Now that's ok, if you are ok with that. Breaking up, patching things up, getting back together. That is what you have and that is - what you have.
I don't think a letter or any amount of talking is going to change that pattern, do you?
You have said this in all your posts pretty much:
Thank you, yes I wouldn’t mind the example of watching a movie or program to cheer him up. I needed to hear the 3 C’s , I did not cause it, I can’t cite it and I can’t control it. ...I will not send the letter.
His behavior has has not changed. I agree that I should step back and let him focus on what he needs to do in the program. Your support is so helpful.
Is that what you are looking for advice on? Generally my advice on that is, you didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's), which is often stated in this forum.
Why?
Because you can't. Recovery from addiction is an inside job, for him to accomplish. Now if by support you mean - I don't know, watching a comedy with him when he needs cheering up - I guess that's helpful? But you can't "fix" him, you can't change him and why would you want to anyway? He is who he is.
So how about just carrying on as you always have? Does that work for you? If not you are the only person who can change that dynamic. If you are not happy with this tell him you need a commitment and don't want to do this back and forth thing anymore.
He gets his feelings hurt or pulls away for whatever reason (recovery, hurt feelings etc) and breaks up with you.
You two continue to stay in contact, make up and continue on.
That's not changing, as I said, it's exactly the same place you were at 2-ish years ago.
Now that's ok, if you are ok with that. Breaking up, patching things up, getting back together. That is what you have and that is - what you have.
I don't think a letter or any amount of talking is going to change that pattern, do you?
You have said this in all your posts pretty much:
Thank you, yes I wouldn’t mind the example of watching a movie or program to cheer him up. I needed to hear the 3 C’s , I did not cause it, I can’t cite it and I can’t control it. ...I will not send the letter.
His behavior has has not changed. I agree that I should step back and let him focus on what he needs to do in the program. Your support is so helpful.
Is that what you are looking for advice on? Generally my advice on that is, you didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's), which is often stated in this forum.
Why?
Because you can't. Recovery from addiction is an inside job, for him to accomplish. Now if by support you mean - I don't know, watching a comedy with him when he needs cheering up - I guess that's helpful? But you can't "fix" him, you can't change him and why would you want to anyway? He is who he is.
So how about just carrying on as you always have? Does that work for you? If not you are the only person who can change that dynamic. If you are not happy with this tell him you need a commitment and don't want to do this back and forth thing anymore.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,546
I am back on this site, of course that means that I am needing some advise and support. I originally posted in 2017 and yes I am still in love with my alcoholic addict.We have some really great times and then times of conflict. Long story short, my alcoholic addict feels that I have hurt his feelings and he has broken up with me.
You don't see what you've done, but are willing to accept blame for hurting his feelings, and over a misunderstanding,he has ended the relationship
He tells me he always thinks of me. I am thinking that communication is a huge part of where we are at. He blocked me from social media and even blocked my number.
That's pretty childish, even for a breakup
He expressed that he didn’t feel that I put up his pictures of him and felt I was not talking about him with my co workers. He felt I wasn’t proud of him.
He views his presence on your Facebook account as a barometer of your relationship. That's profoundly shallow and immature
More went on about commitment. I asked why he never asked for me to commit to him and he told me that he had planned to and even down to how he was going to ask me.
He never asked because he wants all the commitment to come from you before he commits...if he ever does
Addiction aside, is this what you want from a relationship? Is this the kind of partner you want? And...why?
You don't see what you've done, but are willing to accept blame for hurting his feelings, and over a misunderstanding,he has ended the relationship
He tells me he always thinks of me. I am thinking that communication is a huge part of where we are at. He blocked me from social media and even blocked my number.
That's pretty childish, even for a breakup
He expressed that he didn’t feel that I put up his pictures of him and felt I was not talking about him with my co workers. He felt I wasn’t proud of him.
He views his presence on your Facebook account as a barometer of your relationship. That's profoundly shallow and immature
More went on about commitment. I asked why he never asked for me to commit to him and he told me that he had planned to and even down to how he was going to ask me.
He never asked because he wants all the commitment to come from you before he commits...if he ever does
Addiction aside, is this what you want from a relationship? Is this the kind of partner you want? And...why?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 44
Originally Posted by trailmix
This is a pattern you have gotten in to. Nothing has changed in the last - almost - 2 years, you are right where you were then.
He gets his feelings hurt or pulls away for whatever reason (recovery, hurt feelings etc) and breaks up with you.
You two continue to stay in contact, make up and continue on.
That's not changing, as I said, it's exactly the same place you were at 2-ish years ago.
Now that's ok, if you are ok with that. Breaking up, patching things up, getting back together. That is what you have and that is - what you have.
I don't think a letter or any amount of talking is going to change that pattern, do you?
You have said this in all your posts pretty much:
Is that what you are looking for advice on? Generally my advice on that is, you didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's), which is often stated in this forum.
Why?
Because you can't. Recovery from addiction is an inside job, for him to accomplish. Now if by support you mean - I don't know, watching a comedy with him when he needs cheering up - I guess that's helpful? But you can't "fix" him, you can't change him and why would you want to anyway? He is who he is.
So how about just carrying on as you always have? Does that work for you? If not you are the only person who can change that dynamic. If you are not happy with this tell him you need a commitment and don't want to do this back and forth thing anymore.
He gets his feelings hurt or pulls away for whatever reason (recovery, hurt feelings etc) and breaks up with you.
You two continue to stay in contact, make up and continue on.
That's not changing, as I said, it's exactly the same place you were at 2-ish years ago.
Now that's ok, if you are ok with that. Breaking up, patching things up, getting back together. That is what you have and that is - what you have.
I don't think a letter or any amount of talking is going to change that pattern, do you?
You have said this in all your posts pretty much:
Is that what you are looking for advice on? Generally my advice on that is, you didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's), which is often stated in this forum.
Why?
Because you can't. Recovery from addiction is an inside job, for him to accomplish. Now if by support you mean - I don't know, watching a comedy with him when he needs cheering up - I guess that's helpful? But you can't "fix" him, you can't change him and why would you want to anyway? He is who he is.
So how about just carrying on as you always have? Does that work for you? If not you are the only person who can change that dynamic. If you are not happy with this tell him you need a commitment and don't want to do this back and forth thing anymore.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,546
Originally Posted by AIMH
I asked why he never asked for me to commit to him and he told me that he had planned to
Every day, for two years, I came home to a kitchen full of dirty dishes. And every ____day, when I came home and saw them, he'd say, "I was gonna do that." He didn't offer to do them right then, he didn't make an effort to do it the next day. It didn't take a lot of planning. It didn't take a lot of effort. It fell under the category of "nothing to it but to do it."
If lover-boy wanted to "make it official" all he had to do was ask . He didn't. He still hasn't... has he?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 44
Originally Posted by LifeChangeNYC
Sometimes we quickly become addicted to the toxic and destructive cycle of breaking up... getting back together... fighting... breaking up... returning... repeat, repeat, repeat. Things never change if things don’t change. Things never get better... Same, same, same. Ugh this pattern gets pretty bad. So you’re then dealing with multiple levels of addiction. Including your own. I was right there in many ways. The toxic repetition becomes quite destructive and I’ll tell you... over time, this eats away at your strength and well being. It isn’t healthy. And everything gets blurred... because everything is so unhealthy. He’s definitely manipulating you but you’re taking part in the toxic cycle. Individual therapy helps... then deciding what you truly want for yourself. Not what’s best for him... what’s best for you!
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
The letter is supportive of him and his recovery and goes on to tell him what a great man he is.
what recovery and what greatness? he sounds like a whiny little man-boy. well to me.......
a letter won't change anything. whatever you are TRYING to convey, he won't GET. keep the letter, tie it to a balloon, burn it, save it to read when you are a year out from this mess.
what recovery and what greatness? he sounds like a whiny little man-boy. well to me.......
a letter won't change anything. whatever you are TRYING to convey, he won't GET. keep the letter, tie it to a balloon, burn it, save it to read when you are a year out from this mess.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 44
Originally Posted by velma929
I am back on this site, of course that means that I am needing some advise and support. I originally posted in 2017 and yes I am still in love with my alcoholic addict.We have some really great times and then times of conflict. Long story short, my alcoholic addict feels that I have hurt his feelings and he has broken up with me.
You don't see what you've done, but are willing to accept blame for hurting his feelings, and over a misunderstanding,he has ended the relationship
I know what it was that hurt his feelings, but it should not have been something to end a relationship. Basically I chose my son over him and he felt he wasn’t the priority. He said if I loved him how could I have hurt him.
He tells me he always thinks of me. I am thinking that communication is a huge part of where we are at. He blocked me from social media and even blocked my number.
That's pretty childish, even for a breakup
He expressed that he didn’t feel that I put up his pictures of him and felt I was not talking about him with my co workers. He felt I wasn’t proud of him.
He views his presence on your Facebook account as a barometer of your relationship. That's profoundly shallow and immature
The pictures were not on Facebook. He was referring to me having them up around my house and on my desk at work.
More went on about commitment. I asked why he never asked for me to commit to him and he told me that he had planned to and even down to how he was going to ask me.
He never asked because he wants all the commitment to come from you before he commits...if he ever does
I agree
Addiction aside, is this what you want from a relationship? Is this the kind of partner you want? And...why?
You don't see what you've done, but are willing to accept blame for hurting his feelings, and over a misunderstanding,he has ended the relationship
I know what it was that hurt his feelings, but it should not have been something to end a relationship. Basically I chose my son over him and he felt he wasn’t the priority. He said if I loved him how could I have hurt him.
He tells me he always thinks of me. I am thinking that communication is a huge part of where we are at. He blocked me from social media and even blocked my number.
That's pretty childish, even for a breakup
He expressed that he didn’t feel that I put up his pictures of him and felt I was not talking about him with my co workers. He felt I wasn’t proud of him.
He views his presence on your Facebook account as a barometer of your relationship. That's profoundly shallow and immature
The pictures were not on Facebook. He was referring to me having them up around my house and on my desk at work.
More went on about commitment. I asked why he never asked for me to commit to him and he told me that he had planned to and even down to how he was going to ask me.
He never asked because he wants all the commitment to come from you before he commits...if he ever does
I agree
Addiction aside, is this what you want from a relationship? Is this the kind of partner you want? And...why?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 44
Originally Posted by velma929
One of the things that drove me batty about AH: He was unemployed several times, the first for two years. The only thing I asked him to do while he was home all fricken' day was to do the dishes, so when I got home, I could start supper. I worked an hour away, so I was gone ten hours a day. That was if the traffic wasn't bad.
Every day, for two years, I came home to a kitchen full of dirty dishes. And every ____day, when I came home and saw them, he'd say, "I was gonna do that." He didn't offer to do them right then, he didn't make an effort to do it the next day. It didn't take a lot of planning. It didn't take a lot of effort. It fell under the category of "nothing to it but to do it."
If lover-boy wanted to "make it official" all he had to do was ask . He didn't. He still hasn't... has he?
Every day, for two years, I came home to a kitchen full of dirty dishes. And every ____day, when I came home and saw them, he'd say, "I was gonna do that." He didn't offer to do them right then, he didn't make an effort to do it the next day. It didn't take a lot of planning. It didn't take a lot of effort. It fell under the category of "nothing to it but to do it."
If lover-boy wanted to "make it official" all he had to do was ask . He didn't. He still hasn't... has he?
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Please...please don’t marry this guy. Please.
Once he figures out you’re backing away he may well switch gears to keep you sucked in and propose.
PLEASE don’t marry him. Don’t even talk to him, but definitely definitely don’t decide that marriage would fix him.
Marriage won’t fix it.
Having children REALLY won’t fix it.
You wasting more of your life won’t fix it.
Do some reading here and you will see where you might end up if you stay stuck on his potential instead of accepting his reality.
Run.
Once he figures out you’re backing away he may well switch gears to keep you sucked in and propose.
PLEASE don’t marry him. Don’t even talk to him, but definitely definitely don’t decide that marriage would fix him.
Marriage won’t fix it.
Having children REALLY won’t fix it.
You wasting more of your life won’t fix it.
Do some reading here and you will see where you might end up if you stay stuck on his potential instead of accepting his reality.
Run.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 44
Originally Posted by trailmix
You do mention "support" often. What exactly does that mean to you? You mean talking to him, cheering him up? Listening to his problems?
Understanding that his recovery comes first . Support in other ways that a relationship would involve. Listening to him and basically being there as a partner.
Support that couples give each other.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
and what exactly do you know about the recovery process?
i think you said once that he claimed to have five YEARS?
i think we often confuse "support" for "wanting to be more important to them" and have more of their time and attention, become their counselors and advisors.
they don't NEED us for their ongoing recovery. that is what support groups, therapists and counselors are for.
if i decided today to train for a marathon race, there is not a lot that my partner can DO for me. nor would i expect a lot. i'm the one that would have to lace up the shoes and go hit the pavement. i'm the one that would likely have to clean up my diet, develop a workout routine, follow a schedule of distances to run, timing, and whatever else is involved. i would not expect my partner to get up with me, run with me, any of that. it would be nice if they didn't INTERFERE.
i think you said once that he claimed to have five YEARS?
i think we often confuse "support" for "wanting to be more important to them" and have more of their time and attention, become their counselors and advisors.
they don't NEED us for their ongoing recovery. that is what support groups, therapists and counselors are for.
if i decided today to train for a marathon race, there is not a lot that my partner can DO for me. nor would i expect a lot. i'm the one that would have to lace up the shoes and go hit the pavement. i'm the one that would likely have to clean up my diet, develop a workout routine, follow a schedule of distances to run, timing, and whatever else is involved. i would not expect my partner to get up with me, run with me, any of that. it would be nice if they didn't INTERFERE.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,630
Anvil makes a really great point.
Her partner might help her carry her marathon items bag back from the car.
ALL of the other things she is accomplishing in the example above take:
Self Discipline
Hard Work
Commitment
Willingness
Determination
Time
Willingness to ask for and accept help from others with experience and training
etc etc etc
Recovery is no different, it's HARD. That is why there are professionals. You can listen to him all day long, but until he does the hard work, nothing changes.
This isn't the type of thing a partner can really help with. This isn't a problem at work where you might have been in the same situation and have suggestions that he might take on board. This is a mental challenge and unless you are a psychiatrist or a trained mental health professional or at the very least an addict in successful recovery - your help is surface at best.
Please understand I say this kindly. It's just the reality of it that is harsh because it is harsh. No two ways about it.
Her partner might help her carry her marathon items bag back from the car.
ALL of the other things she is accomplishing in the example above take:
Self Discipline
Hard Work
Commitment
Willingness
Determination
Time
Willingness to ask for and accept help from others with experience and training
etc etc etc
Recovery is no different, it's HARD. That is why there are professionals. You can listen to him all day long, but until he does the hard work, nothing changes.
This isn't the type of thing a partner can really help with. This isn't a problem at work where you might have been in the same situation and have suggestions that he might take on board. This is a mental challenge and unless you are a psychiatrist or a trained mental health professional or at the very least an addict in successful recovery - your help is surface at best.
Please understand I say this kindly. It's just the reality of it that is harsh because it is harsh. No two ways about it.
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