clarity888

This morning, AH came over to the house from the apartment he currently rents. He wanted to clean up/tidy up the garage some. I appreciate it since he is not doing any housework or much cooking here (i.e., running of said household).

There have been some, I guess, cat litter granules soaked in oil that have been in one area for, maybe two years? It's from when AH used to change oil in our vehicles. I mentioned to him maybe those could get cleaned up, and he said in an irritated voice, "I know, I know, I will get to it". That would be nice, it's been quite awhile. A couple of sentences later he said "...and that's another thing you took away from me"--meaning him changing oil...he said "which is something I enjoy". Well, he was not getting to the oil changes, IMO, when they were due, and he just didn't have the time (oh, he was in rehab frequently). He did mention he realized he "didn't have much time".

God, that pissed me off. I told him I was not trying to exert control over him doing anything, and that it just needed to be done. Also, I think it's gross that he left that there, and yes, I probably should have cleaned it myself. But whatever. Posting here is helping me detach and not react more. I just think his comment shows he resents me. A lot.

dandylion

clarity.....Oh, I think you are right! He does resent you. You are, after all, the "enemy".....
Anyone who comes between the alcoholic's ability to drink, without impunity, becomes the enemy...even if it is a loved one.
You will feel "controlling" to him...even if you are the least controlling person who ever lived.
At least, you are beginning to see it for what it is....and, it isn't about you, really...it is more about what is inside of him....still, that desire to drink....

mylifeismine

As long as they are blaming others for their
sadness
unhappiness
no friends
no job
anger
fill in the blank
__________

They are not accepting responsibility for their actions and their life.
It's about personal responsibility for all involved.

dandylion

clarity......I hope you can forgive me...but, since I read your post...I can't keep from giggling, every time I think of it.
Really---how could any woman take away a man's right to change the oil? that is just...just...Cruel!
A man and his oil changes should never be parted.
Karma is watching you.

PeacefulWater12

I very strongly agree with this. For ALL involved.

Whether the alkie is blaming others for everything or the codie obsessing on what the alkie is doing/thinking/drinking!

Neither side is accepting responsibility for their actions or for their life. Same dynamic.

When I went to Al-anon, I seriously thought I was the sane one in my marriage, nope codie thinking and behaviours are just as insane as alkie thinking and behaviours.

It is often said in Al-anon, it is only when we start working the program do we realise how messed up we are ourselves, we had been too busy pointing our fingers at the alcoholics before.

LovePeaceSushi

lmaolmaolmao

AnvilheadII

maybe his coming over to do "chores" isn't such a good idea.

clarity888

LOL Dandylion, it was indeed a cruel thing, removing that responsibility from his plate and giving it to Jiffy Lube, at least for awhile. It was the tone that he used that pushed my buttons.

I did my best to leave it be, this surprise, out-of-nowhere comment. I just didn't know it was a big deal to him, that particular task. I am sure changes in who-does-what has been hard for him. It ended on a better note; we both just let the little tiff go after some space, and we discussed other things (thus forgetting that exchange). Overall it's great he wanted to help out around here. DS and I need it.

Thanks for the reminder, Peaceful. I am definitely a work in progress and slowly am getting better at minding my own side of the street. Just at identifying all of my ill/sick ways of thinking (yes, I need to read some literature today). This was a very good learning experience, given how mundane and insignificant oil changes are in the big picture.