Day 1, AGAIN?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2019
Posts: 135
Day 1, AGAIN?
So, that didn't last long (No expectations) No need to explain or expand on the details...you are all well aware of how these things go down.
This morning, he asked if I would mind driving him to a meeting. He doesn't want to drive his work truck because it has gps and he doesn't want them to know. I told him that of course I would but that he needed to remember that going to meetings doesn't change my boundaries. I have sat in the parking lot of so many AA and NA meetings since 2016 that I can tell you where all of them are and what times they start in a 50 mile radius of our house (our daughter is an alcoholic and actively recovering meth addict as well). My boundaries need an update as well. I told him that I would be starting meetings again too (he HATES when I go to Alanon). I am sitting here trying to think of what to say to him when I drive him there tonight.
I am not proud of him. I do not think he can do this again. I think alcohol will be the end of him. He has ruined everything. But (sorry, I know) I love him. I wish him the best and if he wants it, he can do it again but I know he likes to be miserable. He likes to have someone else to blame for his life being in shambles. When he gets sober, these things make him even more miserable because other than me, he has no one to tell of his successes- he has burned all those bridges to the ground.
So I will sit here and think about a 20 minute silent car drive because I wont know what to say today and I will be afraid to say the wrong thing.
As usual, your experience, strength and hope are greatly appreciated. Sometimes, the blessing is just knowing that someone else has been down this road and SURVIVED!
This morning, he asked if I would mind driving him to a meeting. He doesn't want to drive his work truck because it has gps and he doesn't want them to know. I told him that of course I would but that he needed to remember that going to meetings doesn't change my boundaries. I have sat in the parking lot of so many AA and NA meetings since 2016 that I can tell you where all of them are and what times they start in a 50 mile radius of our house (our daughter is an alcoholic and actively recovering meth addict as well). My boundaries need an update as well. I told him that I would be starting meetings again too (he HATES when I go to Alanon). I am sitting here trying to think of what to say to him when I drive him there tonight.
I am not proud of him. I do not think he can do this again. I think alcohol will be the end of him. He has ruined everything. But (sorry, I know) I love him. I wish him the best and if he wants it, he can do it again but I know he likes to be miserable. He likes to have someone else to blame for his life being in shambles. When he gets sober, these things make him even more miserable because other than me, he has no one to tell of his successes- he has burned all those bridges to the ground.
So I will sit here and think about a 20 minute silent car drive because I wont know what to say today and I will be afraid to say the wrong thing.
As usual, your experience, strength and hope are greatly appreciated. Sometimes, the blessing is just knowing that someone else has been down this road and SURVIVED!
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
"Keep an Open Mind"
Sometimes that one day at a time becomes one moment at a time.
My husband's "rock bottom" is higher than it used to be. So is mine.
Good things happen. We get to enjoy laughter, light-heartedness, joy and life in new ways through recovery. As we each, individually, gain new skills and practice them, everything changes.
My relationship with myself (inner child, too!) and healthy, ever-growing support network has been transformed.
Hang in there!! Your recovery comes first, you recognize that and all is well.
Sometimes that one day at a time becomes one moment at a time.
My husband's "rock bottom" is higher than it used to be. So is mine.
Good things happen. We get to enjoy laughter, light-heartedness, joy and life in new ways through recovery. As we each, individually, gain new skills and practice them, everything changes.
My relationship with myself (inner child, too!) and healthy, ever-growing support network has been transformed.
Hang in there!! Your recovery comes first, you recognize that and all is well.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
1). there is no wrong thing to say here. you speak your truth. he's in charge of everything from his ears inward!
2) how does he think work is going to be able to determine exactly what he was doing at a GPS point on the map? that's silly.
3) it's ok to be done playing the "let's get sober for two weeks" game. i used weeks as a placeholder for anything that is not long term consistent unbroken sobriety.
maybe it's time you ALL did something different THIS time.
he's still drinking, so whatever "methods" he is trying ain't working.
relying on you as a sole source of support ain't working.
you sitting in parking lots for an hour to an hour and a half while HE attends a meeting ain't working.
get yourself to Alanon. let the other adults figure out their own schedules and modes of transport. you aren't shuttling 8 year olds to soccer practice. LET the grown ups BE grown ups.
2) how does he think work is going to be able to determine exactly what he was doing at a GPS point on the map? that's silly.
3) it's ok to be done playing the "let's get sober for two weeks" game. i used weeks as a placeholder for anything that is not long term consistent unbroken sobriety.
maybe it's time you ALL did something different THIS time.
he's still drinking, so whatever "methods" he is trying ain't working.
relying on you as a sole source of support ain't working.
you sitting in parking lots for an hour to an hour and a half while HE attends a meeting ain't working.
get yourself to Alanon. let the other adults figure out their own schedules and modes of transport. you aren't shuttling 8 year olds to soccer practice. LET the grown ups BE grown ups.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,611
Try saying "no".
Alcoholics don't like no.
Why are you sacrificing your life for his? He likes to be miserable but not all by himself so you are the misery place holder.
Gee - sounds....great.
What am I missing here? What is lovable about that?
You know, it's ok to love someone from a distance and wish them well. You may not just be the placeholder, in fact you may be the enabler. If he didn't have you holding him up he might just have to get his act together, he might just have to stay sober at work, he might have to find a way to get to his own AA meeting.
Right now he doesn't have to do any of those things because you are there.
Sometimes "helping" is hindering.
Alcoholics don't like no.
Why are you sacrificing your life for his? He likes to be miserable but not all by himself so you are the misery place holder.
Gee - sounds....great.
What am I missing here? What is lovable about that?
You know, it's ok to love someone from a distance and wish them well. You may not just be the placeholder, in fact you may be the enabler. If he didn't have you holding him up he might just have to get his act together, he might just have to stay sober at work, he might have to find a way to get to his own AA meeting.
Right now he doesn't have to do any of those things because you are there.
Sometimes "helping" is hindering.
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
So I will sit here and think about a 20 minute silent car drive because I wont know what to say today and I will be afraid to say the wrong thing.
As usual, your experience, strength and hope are greatly appreciated. Sometimes, the blessing is just knowing that someone else has been down this road and SURVIVED!
Hi oddsunflower,
Survived, indeed!!
What I found in Al-Anon is there's no one set answer for any certain moment, other than pause, step back and pray. Even that can be done in new ways, with different awareness and openness.
Did you make it to a meeting for yourself?
As usual, your experience, strength and hope are greatly appreciated. Sometimes, the blessing is just knowing that someone else has been down this road and SURVIVED!
Hi oddsunflower,
Survived, indeed!!
What I found in Al-Anon is there's no one set answer for any certain moment, other than pause, step back and pray. Even that can be done in new ways, with different awareness and openness.
Did you make it to a meeting for yourself?
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