Stay on your side of the street
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Stay on your side of the street
Things are quiet in the family since the big blow up over making fresh pressed juice in the evening. He acts like all is normal — it’s sooooo not. We’ve talked a little since the fight and I told him things would be better if he did as AA and Alanon suggest and stay on our own sides of the street. He actually said with a straight face that we are married and should be on the same side of the street! He knows better so who is he trying to fool other than himself! This must be how he justifies the notion of being “in sync”; aka, I’m to be inline with his way of thinking and if not there will be hell to pay.
I told him last night I would be going to Alanon; he was silent. Not a peep. He knows.
I told him last night I would be going to Alanon; he was silent. Not a peep. He knows.
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I guess the same side of the street comment was worth a try? Nifty come-back, not accurate but quick.
People who are abusive know they are. They also know (and I am speaking in generalities here - based on what I have experienced) that other people, including their SO's will have a limit.
They know this because they realize their behaviour, they just can't or won't stop it. They know that the other person is going to reach a limit. Now of course we all have different limits, some of us can go on for years in an abusive environment, we learn ways to cope or we stuff down our feelings and soldier on or we detach, or some of all of that.
Perhaps they think or hope that maybe this time it will work out, maybe this time the other person will just "fit in" to the abuse, but most people, with any self-awareness know early on that eventually, the other person will leave.
There are of course abusers that are so un-self aware that they don't see it that way (read narcissists or just delusional).
Of course, on the flipside (just like the addict who will not quit) abusers also have a limit. If they are unwilling to change they will tire of the push-back as well.
What's your take on this teehee. Does he know, does he have any realization he is in the wrong trying to control your every move?
People who are abusive know they are. They also know (and I am speaking in generalities here - based on what I have experienced) that other people, including their SO's will have a limit.
They know this because they realize their behaviour, they just can't or won't stop it. They know that the other person is going to reach a limit. Now of course we all have different limits, some of us can go on for years in an abusive environment, we learn ways to cope or we stuff down our feelings and soldier on or we detach, or some of all of that.
Perhaps they think or hope that maybe this time it will work out, maybe this time the other person will just "fit in" to the abuse, but most people, with any self-awareness know early on that eventually, the other person will leave.
There are of course abusers that are so un-self aware that they don't see it that way (read narcissists or just delusional).
Of course, on the flipside (just like the addict who will not quit) abusers also have a limit. If they are unwilling to change they will tire of the push-back as well.
What's your take on this teehee. Does he know, does he have any realization he is in the wrong trying to control your every move?
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It’s interesting you used the term self-awareness. I told him the night of the fight after all had calmed that he had zero self-awareness regarding his behavior and how he tries to micromanage me. He then claimed I knew he would be upset when he walked in and saw me making juice at 9pm, which is true, I did know it was possible but I wasn’t doing anything wrong. When I admitted it he then blamed me for the fight.
At some point I’m going to tell him I think he needs behavioral help. I’m sure that will go over like a turd in the punch bowl.
At some point I’m going to tell him I think he needs behavioral help. I’m sure that will go over like a turd in the punch bowl.
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I see no point in continuing to rehash the juice issue with him. You made your point.
I sometimes don't have the self-awareness myself to address things as they happen. Ideally I would say, "stay in your own lane," at the time he was making the comment while I was making the juice. Then I would not engage any further than that. It takes practice to come out with that at the actual time it's happening.
At this point, let it go. It's waaaaay in the past. Next time, be ready!
"Sorry you feel that way."
"Well, that's certainly an opinion."
"Why does it bother you what I do in my own kitchen?"
My favorite comeback to anyone who makes more than one comment about some thing I'm doing or some decision I've made is simply, "Why does it bother you?" They almost never have a good reply and it puts the emotion right back on them, where it belongs. Even if they do have an answer I can just accept their answer, because it's their opinion. Opinions aren't facts.
I sometimes don't have the self-awareness myself to address things as they happen. Ideally I would say, "stay in your own lane," at the time he was making the comment while I was making the juice. Then I would not engage any further than that. It takes practice to come out with that at the actual time it's happening.
At this point, let it go. It's waaaaay in the past. Next time, be ready!
"Sorry you feel that way."
"Well, that's certainly an opinion."
"Why does it bother you what I do in my own kitchen?"
My favorite comeback to anyone who makes more than one comment about some thing I'm doing or some decision I've made is simply, "Why does it bother you?" They almost never have a good reply and it puts the emotion right back on them, where it belongs. Even if they do have an answer I can just accept their answer, because it's their opinion. Opinions aren't facts.
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I can feel his worry. He’s at work but texting if I’m doing ok, which stems from me saying I’m going to Alanon — translate, I’m tired of the bullsh*t. He knows I’m not of, and who would be, so his mind must be whirling.
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Originally Posted by biminiblue 
I see no point in continuing to rehash the juice issue with him. You made your point.
I sometimes don't have the self-awareness myself to address things as they happen. Ideally I would say, "stay in your own lane," at the time he was making the comment while I was making the juice. Then I would not engage any further than that. It takes practice to come out with that at the actual time it's happening.
At this point, let it go. It's waaaaay in the past. Next time, be ready!
"Sorry you feel that way."
"Well, that's your OPINION."
"Why does it bother you what I do in my own kitchen?"
My favorite comeback to anyone who makes more than one comment about some thing I'm doing or some decision I've made is simply, "Why does it bother you?" They almost never have a good reply and it puts the emotion right back on them, where it belongs. Even if they do have an answer I can just accept their answer, because it's their opinion. Opinions aren't facts.
I sometimes don't have the self-awareness myself to address things as they happen. Ideally I would say, "stay in your own lane," at the time he was making the comment while I was making the juice. Then I would not engage any further than that. It takes practice to come out with that at the actual time it's happening.
At this point, let it go. It's waaaaay in the past. Next time, be ready!
"Sorry you feel that way."
"Well, that's your OPINION."
"Why does it bother you what I do in my own kitchen?"
My favorite comeback to anyone who makes more than one comment about some thing I'm doing or some decision I've made is simply, "Why does it bother you?" They almost never have a good reply and it puts the emotion right back on them, where it belongs. Even if they do have an answer I can just accept their answer, because it's their opinion. Opinions aren't facts.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,617
Please trust me when I say you have not blown this out of proportion.
I get the crying. Sometimes we don't even know how much we have bottled up until we are confronted with it, when we confront ourselves with it (by going to Al-Anon, by discussing it with others and getting perspective, by calling the DV hotline).
Abuse becomes a way of life for you. In your situation in particular, where the rules are so rigid so it is a daily, hourly occurrence, it's easy to get in to a situation where he doesn't even have to be there and you are towing his line.
Now, when you talk about it, to us, to the DV people, you start to feel like you are betraying him. Shouldn't you be able to discuss it with him, why are you talking to others? If he knew, what would he say/do.
Abuse does not stop when he walks out the door, you are not betraying him, you are saving yourself.
I get the crying. Sometimes we don't even know how much we have bottled up until we are confronted with it, when we confront ourselves with it (by going to Al-Anon, by discussing it with others and getting perspective, by calling the DV hotline).
Abuse becomes a way of life for you. In your situation in particular, where the rules are so rigid so it is a daily, hourly occurrence, it's easy to get in to a situation where he doesn't even have to be there and you are towing his line.
Now, when you talk about it, to us, to the DV people, you start to feel like you are betraying him. Shouldn't you be able to discuss it with him, why are you talking to others? If he knew, what would he say/do.
Abuse does not stop when he walks out the door, you are not betraying him, you are saving yourself.
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Originally Posted by trailmix
Please trust me when I say you have not blown this out of proportion.
I get the crying. Sometimes we don't even know how much we have bottled up until we are confronted with it, when we confront ourselves with it (by going to Al-Anon, by discussing it with others and getting perspective, by calling the DV hotline).
Abuse becomes a way of life for you. In your situation in particular, where the rules are so rigid so it is a daily, hourly occurrence, it's easy to get in to a situation where he doesn't even have to be there and you are towing his line.
Now, when you talk about it, to us, to the DV people, you start to feel like you are betraying him. Shouldn't you be able to discuss it with him, why are you talking to others? If he knew, what would he say/do.
Abuse does not stop when he walks out the door, you are not betraying him, you are saving yourself.
I get the crying. Sometimes we don't even know how much we have bottled up until we are confronted with it, when we confront ourselves with it (by going to Al-Anon, by discussing it with others and getting perspective, by calling the DV hotline).
Abuse becomes a way of life for you. In your situation in particular, where the rules are so rigid so it is a daily, hourly occurrence, it's easy to get in to a situation where he doesn't even have to be there and you are towing his line.
Now, when you talk about it, to us, to the DV people, you start to feel like you are betraying him. Shouldn't you be able to discuss it with him, why are you talking to others? If he knew, what would he say/do.
Abuse does not stop when he walks out the door, you are not betraying him, you are saving yourself.
So yes, even tho he isn’t home, my mind thinks I should make him juice now so it’s done before he is home. I should put on laundry now, not later, so he sees it was done. A few times I’ve actually warned him ahead of time not to freak out that I hadn’t made the bed because I didn’t have time that morning.
It’s all very controlling and I do it. But he will come home happy if it’s all done and the house is in order. I hate to hear him ask what I’ve done all day.
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A few times I’ve actually warned him ahead of time not to freak out that I hadn’t made the bed because I didn’t have time that morning.
good grief. are you able to look at that statement objectively and see what is WRONG with it??? his emotional state is so fragile that an unmade bed will set him off?
i'm glad you called the domestic abuse line. i am sure that was scary and felt very uncomfortable. but your life, your mental state and your safety are what is important here - not what time the damn juice gets made.
i would suggest you stop "confronting" him on things. or making suggestions on what HE needs to do. focus on getting what you need from other sources. keep your own counsel. stay on your side of the street and let him wander down the highway or across the parking lot. don't TELL him what HE needs to do.
remember the cycle of abuse. i see his over-texting and asking if you are ok as moving into the tension-building phase again. he's not worried about losing YOU, he's worried about losing CONTROL. there is a big difference. you are his target, his victim. he berates and demeans you in order to feel better about himself. and i don't think you have come close to seeing just how bad this can get......
good grief. are you able to look at that statement objectively and see what is WRONG with it??? his emotional state is so fragile that an unmade bed will set him off?
i'm glad you called the domestic abuse line. i am sure that was scary and felt very uncomfortable. but your life, your mental state and your safety are what is important here - not what time the damn juice gets made.
i would suggest you stop "confronting" him on things. or making suggestions on what HE needs to do. focus on getting what you need from other sources. keep your own counsel. stay on your side of the street and let him wander down the highway or across the parking lot. don't TELL him what HE needs to do.
remember the cycle of abuse. i see his over-texting and asking if you are ok as moving into the tension-building phase again. he's not worried about losing YOU, he's worried about losing CONTROL. there is a big difference. you are his target, his victim. he berates and demeans you in order to feel better about himself. and i don't think you have come close to seeing just how bad this can get......
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I have read all these posts
I find your husband's demands & treatment of you to be bizarre. It doesn't make any sense what so ever.
His ex wife being a meth addict is very concerning. Was he also on meth? I only ask because if yes it might explain his bizarre behavior.
No making fresh juice at night - iron the sheets - etc WTF!
I find your husband's demands & treatment of you to be bizarre. It doesn't make any sense what so ever.
His ex wife being a meth addict is very concerning. Was he also on meth? I only ask because if yes it might explain his bizarre behavior.
No making fresh juice at night - iron the sheets - etc WTF!
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Please be safe TeeHee. I think your situation is more volatile then you realize. That whole "what happens in this house stays in this house" jargon is something my ex in laws used to rail about... and ya know what?... no one says things like that unless bad things are happening or being said in such a home.
I'd be curious to know if his ex wife was an addict before they married, or if she ended up that way due to this very same kind of abuse.
I'd be curious to know if his ex wife was an addict before they married, or if she ended up that way due to this very same kind of abuse.
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Anvil is so right!
He's thinking, uh oh, control is slipping here - probably kind of like going "out of the family" in his mind. She is thinking of leaving (as I mentioned above, they know when they have crossed a line of some sort and now need to get that all back under control).
Lose lips sink ships if you are at war, war, what war? The world outside is not "war".
Personally, if my SO thought I was out of line and wanted to seek outside counsel, I would welcome it absolutely. So I can prove I'm right (kidding). But seriously, I would welcome it. I like perspective. I mean I know what I know about myself and I'm probably pretty accurate but I'm certainly not always right and I can certainly look at my behaviour and try to do better if it is warranted - for ME, not for anyone else.
If that outside counsel (and I would hope there would be more than one person counselling) had a different take on a situation, I'd be happy to hear it.
He's thinking, uh oh, control is slipping here - probably kind of like going "out of the family" in his mind. She is thinking of leaving (as I mentioned above, they know when they have crossed a line of some sort and now need to get that all back under control).
Lose lips sink ships if you are at war, war, what war? The world outside is not "war".
Personally, if my SO thought I was out of line and wanted to seek outside counsel, I would welcome it absolutely. So I can prove I'm right (kidding). But seriously, I would welcome it. I like perspective. I mean I know what I know about myself and I'm probably pretty accurate but I'm certainly not always right and I can certainly look at my behaviour and try to do better if it is warranted - for ME, not for anyone else.
If that outside counsel (and I would hope there would be more than one person counselling) had a different take on a situation, I'd be happy to hear it.
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The local DV hotline said they will pair me with an advocate and I will be hearing from them today. They have a get together with dinner every Thursday evening. I had planned on going to Alanon tonight, but I may just go to this place instead and Alanon on Monday nights. I don't think I can tell him if I choose to go to the DV services dinner. I think that would be a very bad idea.
I'm in a new town and know no one. What a great way to get to know new people. Jeez.
I'm in a new town and know no one. What a great way to get to know new people. Jeez.
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Originally Posted by Teehee
I can hear him saying, “loose lips sink ships”. I remember when we first started dating he emphasized how in his family all was safe in the walls of the home; anything could be said in safety. Anything bad done by a family member would be the family secret kept safe much like the mafia.
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
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Ive been reading the Cycle of Abuse. I think I can see some of the pattern from the beginning of our relationship. Blow ups use to never happen. He would fix me a hot tea and bring it to me with my asking and other similar sweet gestures. They still happen but not as often. He use to be very big on communication and would sit and have long talks with me about my ex husbands alcoholism and what it all meant; he seemed very attentive and sensitive to my thoughts and feelings. It was like he could read me like a book.
Now he says I need to work on my listening and communication skills. Things he use to never complain about; it's like I've all the sudden become dumb.
The first time he asked me to move in with him I said no, it was too soon at 6 months and he was fine with that. After a year of dating we did move in together and things were great. He lost the home he was renting when the owner decided to sell it so we moved all of our belongings to the home I owned in a neighboring state. His daughter and I lived there while he worked during the week 4 hours away and came home on weekends. He claimed to be looking for a job in my home state where we moved, but I'm not sure he really did. In the end, we moved to another state which is where I am now. I just wonder if that is part of isolating me from all my family and close friends.
I see some parallels. I'm just still having a hard time believing this is happening.
Now he says I need to work on my listening and communication skills. Things he use to never complain about; it's like I've all the sudden become dumb.
The first time he asked me to move in with him I said no, it was too soon at 6 months and he was fine with that. After a year of dating we did move in together and things were great. He lost the home he was renting when the owner decided to sell it so we moved all of our belongings to the home I owned in a neighboring state. His daughter and I lived there while he worked during the week 4 hours away and came home on weekends. He claimed to be looking for a job in my home state where we moved, but I'm not sure he really did. In the end, we moved to another state which is where I am now. I just wonder if that is part of isolating me from all my family and close friends.
I see some parallels. I'm just still having a hard time believing this is happening.
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That's so great that you contacted DV teehee. Even thought it brings fear with it, you had the courage to do it.
I think going to the dinner tonight is a brilliant idea. It might feel uncomfortable at first but just know that all the people in that room have been there too, they understand.
It's the same with Al-Anon. While the actual experience might have a few differences, there is a common thread and most people cry their way through their first meeting (as you may have read around here).
There is something about walking in to a room of shared experience. Don't be surprised if you shed a few tears tonight, but know that they understand.
I think going to the dinner tonight is a brilliant idea. It might feel uncomfortable at first but just know that all the people in that room have been there too, they understand.
It's the same with Al-Anon. While the actual experience might have a few differences, there is a common thread and most people cry their way through their first meeting (as you may have read around here).
There is something about walking in to a room of shared experience. Don't be surprised if you shed a few tears tonight, but know that they understand.
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