righttheship

Hi,

First-time poster: I'm looking for feedback on anyone that has left an AS newly out of rehab. I feel badly turning my back at a crucial time for my AH, when he needs support and encouragement. But I'm worn out from all the crazy, and don't want to get roped back into what still feels like a lot of drama. We are separated, and I'm looking to file for divorce.

A little background: My AH has been an active alcoholic for years. About two-and-half years ago, he started going to AA. He basically just found drinking buddies. He's since done two stints in outpatient rehab. The first time, he celebrated "finishing" by downing a fifth of rum. The second time, he got kicked out for too many positive alcohol screens.

In the last five months, things spiraled way out of control. He went to the ER for suicidal ideation, and when he sobered up, checked himself right out. He promptly disappeared on a weeklong bender (not atypical), and was fired from his longtime job. This caused us to lose our housing. He got another job, but only made it two weeks before getting fired again for not showing up. He's since been arrested twice, and has pending criminal charges. He also sustained a traumatic brain injury (presumably from drunken fall). I took our young children, and left permanently. He was involuntarily committed into a psych ward for a week because of making crazy threats. Friends convinced him to check into inpatient rehab. I think he did it mostly because he was out of options--no family, no place to live, no job, limited finances, etc.

He finished the 30-day inpatient program, and has now been sober 60 days. But things are chaotic for him--no permanent home and very little access to his children. He keeps saying: "None of that was me. My brain was overtaken by alcohol. I have a disease! How can YOU turn your back on me? How can YOU take the children from their father??" And my response is pretty much: I'm just done. But there's a small part of me that thinks that I should be more supportive because he needs to be healthy for his children. But there's a larger part of me that feels like it's a slippery slope, and I'll just get roped back into the drama, the negativity, and the mental illness. And I simply cannot allow that--not for myself or my children. Maybe I have to accept that this is just a no-win situation. Has anyone encountered this--needing to go NC when your the alcoholic is newly out of rehab? Thank you for reading!

Dazedandconfus

SparkleKitty

Your husband does need support, sure. But dictating that that support MUST come from you is not recovery, it's manipulation. He is treating you not as an individual human but merely as an extension of his own ego. If he was really in recovery (and not just not-drinking) he would want what is best for you while he sees to himself, and he would be willing to accept that what's best for you is YOUR call, not his.

The best support he can get is from professionals, or other alcoholics, like at AA.

Meanwhile, you too need support. You have been through the ringer, and have every right to be "done." Do you have a therapist of your own? Have you ever tried Al-Anon?

CRRHCC

My wife left me when she found me upstairs drinking wine and doing cocaine, when our son was downstairs fresh out of rehab from heroin addiction.

She left for her own sanity, not to punish me.

I suppose you could call that my bottom. I had to re-evaluate my values and purpose in life. I realized that I had made a false idol out of drugs and alcohol. I valued, "Getting High," more than faith and family.

Last June we celebrated our 34th wedding anniversary. I changed my thinking and let God change my life.

What are values? Values, are what we consider more important than our feelings. Socrates said it best, with respect to philosophy and love of wisdom, "The unexamined life is not worth living." To be true to ourselves, we must think, feel, and behave in alignment with our moral and spiritual values. We must work to be curious, observant and mindful. We need to pause and examine the auto pilot of our lives, our habit loops and visualize the forest through the trees.

When your values trump your addiction, there is no addiction!

dandylion

rightthe ship...….love the name. I must say--you sound like you are taking a bit of a cruise on the Guilt Ship. I beg you to get off that ship at the next dock....
Guilt...(false guilt) will be your Achilles heel, if you let it.

if you are of the mind, that, if you make his life easier, and give him a softer place to fall, that, this will make him a better father or m ate...you would be mislead.....
Your providing a nurturing home life for him, has not overcome his alcoholism, thus far...why would you assume that more of the same would do so?
He has only been sober for 60 days...which probably feels like a lifetime to him...but, it is barely one drop in the bucket, compared for the rest of a lifetime.

****It is so important for YOU to realize that to get into a genuine recovery ...a recovery that is lasting....takes, at minimum, 1or 2 years. Depending on who you talk to...it can be 3-4-5 yrs.
Don't just take my word....go stand outside of any AA meeting, and ask the people who come out, how long it takes to get into genuine, life long recovery....
And, this is IF they are diligently working the program as their first priority...over everything else.....lots of meetings, working with their sponsor, seeing a counselor, and doing give back work....This is very time consuming and requires a strong commitment.
The principles of the program have to be for a lifetime. Notice that long recovering alcoholics never...ever...say "recovered"..they say "recovering", because they recognize that it is a life long process and that they can never, safely, have one drink.

I think that the best thing that you can do for your husband is to get out of his way. he won't like that, of course....but, it is still the best thing for all concerned....He has to have room to feel the consequences of drinking in his life......and, he won't feel it if you are ready to put a cushion under his behind.

I will bet my children's milk money that as soon as you welcome him back into the nest....(thinking you are doing the right thing)….that the powerful disease will raise it's head as soon as he gets comfortable......

righttheship

Thanks for the responses. It helps to hear that it's ok to be "done" and that I'm not a bad person for feeling that way. I'm looking into Al-Anon and therapy. I definitely need to deal with the anger and resentment. So far, one of my stumbling blocks is just feeling so embarrassed about the situation. Logically, I know I shouldn't be ashamed. But, realistically, I'm mortified. I guess that's why I'm on these forums: I need to be around people that I understand, but I'm not ready to be face-to-face, if that makes any sense.

SmallButMighty

Hi righttheship, I completely understand what you are feeling. I went through the same thing, I felt ashamed of the situation we were in. I'd been holding up the facade of a happy couple/family for so long, how could I just let that drop?! I wish I had, had the strength to reach out and ask for face to face help, my path would have been easier. Like you, I reached out here, and luckily I found a wealth of knowledge, wisdom and acceptance. It felt good to be understood! You do know, everyone at the alanon meetings are there for the same reason you would be, to regain control and strength in their own lives...despite the havoc that has been created by their alcoholic loved one(s). Nothing at all to be ashamed about. I bet you you would make some valuable connections their.

And just a little side note... it is always OK to be "done" with a relationship. It doesn't matter what the reasons are, and it doesn't matter if addictions are in play. Two perfectly normal, healthy, well adjusted people can become incompatible. Things change. People grow in different directions... it just happens. Staying entangled in a relationship of any kind that makes us feel bad in any way, for any reason, is not a healthy way to live our lives.

I was together with my AXH from the time we were 16 until we were 42, we raised two kids in that alcoholic/codependent environment. Knowing what I know now, I would do things much differently.

I'm sorry you are going through this stuff, I know just exactly how infuriating and painful it is to be married to an alcoholic...same goes for separating from one. Hang in there. *hugs*

RollTide

I've been there and done that. You are absolutely doing the right thing. Stay the course!!!

You've gotten wonderful advice here and I wanted to log on to agree with it.

Your job is to take care of your kids and yourself. Don't look back.

If you find a good AlAnon group you won't feel embarrassed at all. For me it was the one place where people understood. This forum was a blessing for me as was AlAnon.

righttheship

I felt tears pricking at my eyes when I read: "Stay the course!!!" Thank you. I really needed that. I know that's the right call, but it's so validating to hear someone else say (write) it.

And, Dandylion, your words really resonated with me. You're right: the best thing I can do is get out of his way.

Thank you, everyone, for your thoughtful responses. I feel less alone today, and that's a good thing.

RollTide

It's hard. If I could talk to a younger me I would say to run and never look back.

I could have written your post except for the TBI. But I could have inserted broken bones and teeth instead.

This may sound corny but I thank the Lord every day for my simple and uneventful life that no longer involves emergency rooms and jails.

FallenAngelina

This is not the voice of someone in solid recovery.



This is the voice of someone in solid recovery.

Sasha1972

It’s okay to be done. Your AH is the author of his own consequences (nowhere to live, limited access to kids, etc). You’re just the messenger. These are his problems to figure out, not yours.

I think “being supportive for the kids” means leaving AH alone to figure out his sobriety (or not). A sober dad is better than a drinking dad, and if he can manage it good for him, but a drinking dad who is far away is better than a drinking dad who is drinking and relapsing and screwing up in everybody’s face. Bailing him out and “helping” him may look like the right thing to do in the short term, but with a resume like his, the odds are pretty good that any “help” you give him will just postpone for a short time the inevitable relapse. Finishing a 30 day inpatient program is not the same as lasting sobriety.

hopeful4

There were never two people. His actions were his actions, and you have every right to be done with all of that. I so wish I had taken that route and saved myself YEARS of heartache and pain.

DiggingForFire

NYCDoglvr

Sure, he needs support but not from you. Since he's been to AA he knows there is tremendous support for the newly sober in meetings. But it's up to him to take the steps necessary to have a sober life.