How to break free of "What if"?
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Join Date: May 2019
Posts: 5
How to break free of "What if"?
My alcoholic husband finally did something that was the last straw...he stayed drunk the weekend before a long-planned and looked forward to family vacation. So I took the kids and went without him, then contacted a lawyer and filed for divorce. He's been kicked out before and every time he devotes himself to meetings and getting sober. Unfortunately, when he comes home, his sobriety doesn't last long. He's struggled for years with his alcoholism.
Anyway, he's being pleasant and helpful currently because he hopes for reconciliation. Again,he's devoting himself to sobriety, but I've been on this merry go around before. I realized today at the end of his visit with our kids, that every word he spoke to me about needing to get sober for himself, having to be selfish to get better....I've heard it all before during past separations! Almost verbatim!
I'm sad and resigned to the fact that I don't think our marriage can work out. My trust has been betrayed too many times and I don't want our little kids growing up and continuing to see his drunken behavior. But, how do you stop wondering "What if?" What if he really means it this time and recovery sticks? Or does that even matter? I guess I feel a little guilty, even though I know I've given many many chances. I just hate to feel like I gave up on my marriage.
Anyway, he's being pleasant and helpful currently because he hopes for reconciliation. Again,he's devoting himself to sobriety, but I've been on this merry go around before. I realized today at the end of his visit with our kids, that every word he spoke to me about needing to get sober for himself, having to be selfish to get better....I've heard it all before during past separations! Almost verbatim!
I'm sad and resigned to the fact that I don't think our marriage can work out. My trust has been betrayed too many times and I don't want our little kids growing up and continuing to see his drunken behavior. But, how do you stop wondering "What if?" What if he really means it this time and recovery sticks? Or does that even matter? I guess I feel a little guilty, even though I know I've given many many chances. I just hate to feel like I gave up on my marriage.
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Englewood
Posts: 76
Perhaps you could do a separation and see if he can be in recovery for a year? That’s what I asked of my stbx. He was interested in the morning and that afternoon began to make reluctance noises so I knew he wasn’t serious.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 35
I don't know what to advise you, but I wanted you to know I felt your pain. Addiction/alcoholism is just awful for everyone involved. I hate it. My first thought for you was that maybe you could set a longer amount of time that you'll need to see him in active recovery before you will consider reconciliation again.. Like months, up to a year. It may feel better than ending things completely. And in the grand scheme of things, a year isn't much to ask when we're talking about the rest of our lives. You may discover in that time that you still don't have it in you to continue the marriage. And that's ok too. So sorry you're going through this. You're not alone.
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Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 16
After my I had broken up with my ex and reluctantly took him back after showing progress for months, he immediately began showing signs of all the stuff he said he’d fix. About a week in, I showed up at his place and he was clearly messed up, but when I asked he “smoked some CBD, I think it’s real weed.” I had also used the same CBD and it does not in fact get you high, so I left. The next day we had dinner with his parents, which he was still too messed up to remember he had agreed to, blamed me, and was so off that his own mother told me I needed to get out and let him figure his stuff out without a safety net. She loved me and would tell her own daughter the same. It was heartbreaking. I drove to my mothers to talk to someone.
My father left my mother when I was 6 for the woman he was cheating on her with. They’re still married 30 years later. My mom never married again. I asked her how she got over the fact that another woman got the side of him she kept waiting around for. Because the thought of me leaving my ex and him sobering up and someone getting the sober him I loved when I had to deal with all the crap hoping he would be that person made me keep going back.
She told me it did kill her inside for awhile. But she came to realize that A.) he might have never been that person with her. There was something about my stepmom that made him grow up and be a better person that he may not have found with her. And B.) she couldn’t have lived with raising me in a house where she was so hateful to him because she couldn’t trust him. She didn’t want me to think that was how life should be.
I don’t know if those words help you at all, but they helped me.
My father left my mother when I was 6 for the woman he was cheating on her with. They’re still married 30 years later. My mom never married again. I asked her how she got over the fact that another woman got the side of him she kept waiting around for. Because the thought of me leaving my ex and him sobering up and someone getting the sober him I loved when I had to deal with all the crap hoping he would be that person made me keep going back.
She told me it did kill her inside for awhile. But she came to realize that A.) he might have never been that person with her. There was something about my stepmom that made him grow up and be a better person that he may not have found with her. And B.) she couldn’t have lived with raising me in a house where she was so hateful to him because she couldn’t trust him. She didn’t want me to think that was how life should be.
I don’t know if those words help you at all, but they helped me.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Mika......I am puzzled that you would think that, after returning to the relationship time after time, over many years, would be "giving up"....
Letting go of something that is destructive to you and your little kids is not giving up.....
the two things are very different.
Do you really think that you would be giving up on your marriage, as just a whim.....or, are you afraid that this is what he and the general public would say about you?
The time is gone when a person is expected to stay in an unhappy or destructive marriage.....
Letting go of something that is destructive to you and your little kids is not giving up.....
the two things are very different.
Do you really think that you would be giving up on your marriage, as just a whim.....or, are you afraid that this is what he and the general public would say about you?
The time is gone when a person is expected to stay in an unhappy or destructive marriage.....
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 83
I remember the days when my ex tearfully told me he’s realised he’s an alcoholic, he needs help, he’s goong to do it this time, he’s had enough... I was so proud... he’s admitted it to me.
About an hour after he opened a can.. just to say goodbye to it
just words.
I had had this crap for a further 3 years. The merry go round of him appeasing me and me wanting to hear it. Rehab twice.
I looked into the genuine success rate of the recovered addict and realised he simply wasn’t going To make it. Truth be told he doesn’t want to give up.
when there is no hope left you will know
About an hour after he opened a can.. just to say goodbye to it
just words.
I had had this crap for a further 3 years. The merry go round of him appeasing me and me wanting to hear it. Rehab twice.
I looked into the genuine success rate of the recovered addict and realised he simply wasn’t going To make it. Truth be told he doesn’t want to give up.
when there is no hope left you will know
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,548
At work we had this lovely person and I'll call her Abby. I asked Abby how she ended up living in our city, and she said after she finished rehab, she was sent to a sober living house in our city to complete her treatment.
Abby worked hard, attended her AA meetings, was open about her past and desire for a better future. She was even sponsoring other alcoholics in her AA group. I asked her if that was hard, don't some fall off the wagon? She said MOST do, and you have to keep in mind that you can guide them, but MOST are going to try for sobriety several times before it sticks.
She went off to college, it didn't work out for some reason. A couple years later she came back for a visit and to make amends to our boss. Apparently, she'd been drinking part of the time she'd been employed here. No one knew.
Abby worked hard, attended her AA meetings, was open about her past and desire for a better future. She was even sponsoring other alcoholics in her AA group. I asked her if that was hard, don't some fall off the wagon? She said MOST do, and you have to keep in mind that you can guide them, but MOST are going to try for sobriety several times before it sticks.
She went off to college, it didn't work out for some reason. A couple years later she came back for a visit and to make amends to our boss. Apparently, she'd been drinking part of the time she'd been employed here. No one knew.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2019
Posts: 5
Originally Posted by Imaginarium 
After my I had broken up with my ex and reluctantly took him back after showing progress for months, he immediately began showing signs of all the stuff he said he’d fix. About a week in, I showed up at his place and he was clearly messed up, but when I asked he “smoked some CBD, I think it’s real weed.” I had also used the same CBD and it does not in fact get you high, so I left. The next day we had dinner with his parents, which he was still too messed up to remember he had agreed to, blamed me, and was so off that his own mother told me I needed to get out and let him figure his stuff out without a safety net. She loved me and would tell her own daughter the same. It was heartbreaking. I drove to my mothers to talk to someone.
My father left my mother when I was 6 for the woman he was cheating on her with. They’re still married 30 years later. My mom never married again. I asked her how she got over the fact that another woman got the side of him she kept waiting around for. Because the thought of me leaving my ex and him sobering up and someone getting the sober him I loved when I had to deal with all the crap hoping he would be that person made me keep going back.
She told me it did kill her inside for awhile. But she came to realize that A.) he might have never been that person with her. There was something about my stepmom that made him grow up and be a better person that he may not have found with her. And B.) she couldn’t have lived with raising me in a house where she was so hateful to him because she couldn’t trust him. She didn’t want me to think that was how life should be.
I don’t know if those words help you at all, but they helped me.
My father left my mother when I was 6 for the woman he was cheating on her with. They’re still married 30 years later. My mom never married again. I asked her how she got over the fact that another woman got the side of him she kept waiting around for. Because the thought of me leaving my ex and him sobering up and someone getting the sober him I loved when I had to deal with all the crap hoping he would be that person made me keep going back.
She told me it did kill her inside for awhile. But she came to realize that A.) he might have never been that person with her. There was something about my stepmom that made him grow up and be a better person that he may not have found with her. And B.) she couldn’t have lived with raising me in a house where she was so hateful to him because she couldn’t trust him. She didn’t want me to think that was how life should be.
I don’t know if those words help you at all, but they helped me.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
Mika28, I'm sorry for what you are going through. I've been where you are. I don't think any of us here married ever thinking we'd divorce. Especially once children become part of the package.
I did love my alcoholic, but I couldn't trust him anymore. I was on the same ride you are currently on. The same kind of ups and downs, false promises and dashed hopes. Because of the Love and the FOG ( fear, obligation, guilt) I ended up staying far longer than I should have. My kids were 16 and 20 when I finally managed to extricate myself from the marriage, by then I (along with my AXH) had set some pretty darn bad examples for my children. Knowing what I know now, having lived through what I have lived through, I wish I had left when my children were much younger and more resilient.
I had the same fear you do. What if I leave and he straightens up and flies right? What if some other woman gets the "good" him after all I have endured. I didn't want all that pain I'd been through or forgiveness I'd given to all be in vain. I felt just freakin' awful being the parent who chose to "give up" and separate the family. I carried that guilt for a long time. It was a waste of my energy.... my AXH has had the same girlfriend since VERY shortly after we split. They weren't together for too long when she started having to deal with his drunken B.S. In this past year she has threatened to leave him a few times and apparently he is on his "final last chance" with her now too. I can't even tell you how many "final last chances" I gave him... I guess that's why he was so shocked when I finally really went through with it.
I hope you don't let the "what ifs" drive you crazy. I drove myself around the bend with the "what ifs".
One of the best pieces of advice I ever got was:
" Deal with the what IS, not the what IF"
It wasn't even about my AXH and our situation, it was from the mother of one of one of my daughter's friends. When they were teenagers they had been in a fairly minor ATV accident. They were fine, but I was catastrophizing after the fact. She laid that bit of advice on me, that she had gotten from her therapist. I do my best to pull myself into check with it when I start with the "what iffing".
Always worrying about the "what ifs" is very anxiety inducing. We can't control the ifs, we can only decide what to do with the what is.
Wishing for you peace and clarity while you sort through all this stuff. I know it isn't easy.
I did love my alcoholic, but I couldn't trust him anymore. I was on the same ride you are currently on. The same kind of ups and downs, false promises and dashed hopes. Because of the Love and the FOG ( fear, obligation, guilt) I ended up staying far longer than I should have. My kids were 16 and 20 when I finally managed to extricate myself from the marriage, by then I (along with my AXH) had set some pretty darn bad examples for my children. Knowing what I know now, having lived through what I have lived through, I wish I had left when my children were much younger and more resilient.
I had the same fear you do. What if I leave and he straightens up and flies right? What if some other woman gets the "good" him after all I have endured. I didn't want all that pain I'd been through or forgiveness I'd given to all be in vain. I felt just freakin' awful being the parent who chose to "give up" and separate the family. I carried that guilt for a long time. It was a waste of my energy.... my AXH has had the same girlfriend since VERY shortly after we split. They weren't together for too long when she started having to deal with his drunken B.S. In this past year she has threatened to leave him a few times and apparently he is on his "final last chance" with her now too. I can't even tell you how many "final last chances" I gave him... I guess that's why he was so shocked when I finally really went through with it.
I hope you don't let the "what ifs" drive you crazy. I drove myself around the bend with the "what ifs".
One of the best pieces of advice I ever got was:
" Deal with the what IS, not the what IF"
It wasn't even about my AXH and our situation, it was from the mother of one of one of my daughter's friends. When they were teenagers they had been in a fairly minor ATV accident. They were fine, but I was catastrophizing after the fact. She laid that bit of advice on me, that she had gotten from her therapist. I do my best to pull myself into check with it when I start with the "what iffing".
Always worrying about the "what ifs" is very anxiety inducing. We can't control the ifs, we can only decide what to do with the what is.
Wishing for you peace and clarity while you sort through all this stuff. I know it isn't easy.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by Mika28
But, how do you stop wondering "What if?" What if he really means it this time and recovery sticks? Or does that even matter? I guess I feel a little guilty, even though I know I've given many many chances.
alcoholics are good at talkin the talk when the heats on. turn down the heat and i think ya know what happens.
we also burn bridges.
seems the bridge is burnt. has been burnt many times.
might be wise to not rebuild it again.
what if hes serious and he does remain sober? welp, then you can be happy for him on his new journey while you are on yours.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2019
Posts: 5
Originally Posted by dandylion
Mika......I am puzzled that you would think that, after returning to the relationship time after time, over many years, would be "giving up"....
Letting go of something that is destructive to you and your little kids is not giving up.....
the two things are very different.
Do you really think that you would be giving up on your marriage, as just a whim.....or, are you afraid that this is what he and the general public would say about you?
The time is gone when a person is expected to stay in an unhappy or destructive marriage.....
Letting go of something that is destructive to you and your little kids is not giving up.....
the two things are very different.
Do you really think that you would be giving up on your marriage, as just a whim.....or, are you afraid that this is what he and the general public would say about you?
The time is gone when a person is expected to stay in an unhappy or destructive marriage.....
This post post brought me to tears...you're right-letting go of a destructive situation is not a bad thing.
I guess I always believed that marriage is forever and you work through your problems. His family also supports this separation and
I love them too. I hate the thought of losing them by dissolving my marriage. I also keep wondering if this is the time he's really serious and recovery sticks.
But then I think if I'm willing to live with any more relapses or maybe even peace for a long time, and then a relapse. I don't think I'm willing to take that chance anymore. Our children are young (7 and 2) and I want them to have a healthy environment and marriage modeled for them.
Either way, I told I expected a 1 year separation (but he only signed a 7-mo apartment lease). I think I need to move on and if he really enters recovery, he'll make a better partner for someone in the future.
Thank you all for the thoughtful and supportive responses!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2019
Posts: 5
Originally Posted by tomsteve
how would you know if recovery is sticking? us alcoholics cant say its going to stick for the rest of our lives so how long are ya lookin at seeing it sticking?
alcoholics are good at talkin the talk when the heats on. turn down the heat and i think ya know what happens.
we also burn bridges.
seems the bridge is burnt. has been burnt many times.
might be wise to not rebuild it again.
what if hes serious and he does remain sober? welp, then you can be happy for him on his new journey while you are on yours.
alcoholics are good at talkin the talk when the heats on. turn down the heat and i think ya know what happens.
we also burn bridges.
seems the bridge is burnt. has been burnt many times.
might be wise to not rebuild it again.
what if hes serious and he does remain sober? welp, then you can be happy for him on his new journey while you are on yours.
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Join Date: Aug 2019
Posts: 5
Originally Posted by SmallButMighty
Always worrying about the "what ifs" is very anxiety inducing. We can't control the ifs, we can only decide what to do with the what is.
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Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 296
Look.. The what ifs are a type of paralysis. My EXAH got into AA, was sober, had a new Gf within weeks of our separation. And I was devastated cos my what if came true...he sobered up and the gf is reaping the rewards and I'm stuck here grieving, single, not seeing my kids every day... Etc. Etc.
Except it didn't. He never sobered up, he just went to AA so he could get his access with the kids. He's drinking heavily again, the GF is not a GF, she's an enabler. There is a massive difference. She's already kicked him out.
What if you get rid of the alcoholic and meet a wonderful, gentle man who adores you? What if you're finally free to be you. What if your children have a mamma bear who takes crap of nobody.
Yes, there's a slight chance he'll sober up, but your marriage may not last and you'll be damaged and so will the kids. Tell your ego to take a hike.
You've got this mamma bear!
Except it didn't. He never sobered up, he just went to AA so he could get his access with the kids. He's drinking heavily again, the GF is not a GF, she's an enabler. There is a massive difference. She's already kicked him out.
What if you get rid of the alcoholic and meet a wonderful, gentle man who adores you? What if you're finally free to be you. What if your children have a mamma bear who takes crap of nobody.
Yes, there's a slight chance he'll sober up, but your marriage may not last and you'll be damaged and so will the kids. Tell your ego to take a hike.
You've got this mamma bear!
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
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after chance #1 or 2, wherein their "sobriety" had a shorter shelf life than milk, chances 3 and beyond begin to become part of the pattern, part of the problem even. starts to have a bit of a "hokie pokie" theme to it - "put the jackass out, let the jackass in, do the sober jokie and you turn yourself around" and over time this becomes the new normal.
he does a whole lotta jackassery to get himself kicked out - but then doesn't really have to DO that much to be let back in the same door. just make sure to include "sober" in a sentence.........
when WE start "giving them chances" we begin to think that somehow WE have the power to influence or change their minds and MAKE them sober. now HE is the center of everyone's universe - will he drink? when will he drink? how much will he drink? how much did he spend? where did he go? when will he be back? what kind of mood will he be in? what can i do to make it better for him? why am i not enough for him?
and on it goes. the "chances" that he is going to sober up AND change into someone else AND find a new love AND live happily ever after are down to two - slim and none. and even IF that were a possibility, the facts of the matter are HE is not willing to give you HIS best NOW. he is not willing to do the work. ain't like you haven't given him time..........THIS is what IS.
he does a whole lotta jackassery to get himself kicked out - but then doesn't really have to DO that much to be let back in the same door. just make sure to include "sober" in a sentence.........
when WE start "giving them chances" we begin to think that somehow WE have the power to influence or change their minds and MAKE them sober. now HE is the center of everyone's universe - will he drink? when will he drink? how much will he drink? how much did he spend? where did he go? when will he be back? what kind of mood will he be in? what can i do to make it better for him? why am i not enough for him?
and on it goes. the "chances" that he is going to sober up AND change into someone else AND find a new love AND live happily ever after are down to two - slim and none. and even IF that were a possibility, the facts of the matter are HE is not willing to give you HIS best NOW. he is not willing to do the work. ain't like you haven't given him time..........THIS is what IS.
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Join Date: Jul 2019
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
after chance #1 or 2, wherein their "sobriety" had a shorter shelf life than milk, chances 3 and beyond begin to become part of the pattern, part of the problem even. starts to have a bit of a "hokie pokie" theme to it - "put the jackass out, let the jackass in, do the sober jokie and you turn yourself around" and over time this becomes the new normal.
he does a whole lotta jackassery to get himself kicked out - but then doesn't really have to DO that much to be let back in the same door. just make sure to include "sober" in a sentence.........
when WE start "giving them chances" we begin to think that somehow WE have the power to influence or change their minds and MAKE them sober. now HE is the center of everyone's universe - will he drink? when will he drink? how much will he drink? how much did he spend? where did he go? when will he be back? what kind of mood will he be in? what can i do to make it better for him? why am i not enough for him?
and on it goes. the "chances" that he is going to sober up AND change into someone else AND find a new love AND live happily ever after are down to two - slim and none. and even IF that were a possibility, the facts of the matter are HE is not willing to give you HIS best NOW. he is not willing to do the work. ain't like you haven't given him time..........THIS is what IS.
he does a whole lotta jackassery to get himself kicked out - but then doesn't really have to DO that much to be let back in the same door. just make sure to include "sober" in a sentence.........
when WE start "giving them chances" we begin to think that somehow WE have the power to influence or change their minds and MAKE them sober. now HE is the center of everyone's universe - will he drink? when will he drink? how much will he drink? how much did he spend? where did he go? when will he be back? what kind of mood will he be in? what can i do to make it better for him? why am i not enough for him?
and on it goes. the "chances" that he is going to sober up AND change into someone else AND find a new love AND live happily ever after are down to two - slim and none. and even IF that were a possibility, the facts of the matter are HE is not willing to give you HIS best NOW. he is not willing to do the work. ain't like you haven't given him time..........THIS is what IS.
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