TexasDi

Hello, FFA group. I’ve been reading so many of these posts and they are so helpful. I want to dive in and tell you everything and get your thoughts and feedback.

I’m married, my husband and I are 42. We have an 18 month old baby and my husband is the primary caregiver. My husband has a lot of trauma he hasn’t dealt with, so he drinks, lies, and smokes. We started in therapy together for a while but his lack of participation made it clear that he wasn’t ready and he was there because I “made” him go. Although we have known each other since we were young, we have been on and off since then, and married only (almost) 4 years. When he moved in with me, I told him I could support us until he found a job. He never really found one and was secretly drinking, smoking, and communicating with his ex girlfriend.

Cycle: we fight, he promises to do better, I take no action. Repeat, repeat, repeat.

Earlier this year, when our son turned one,I found out he was drinking a lot, smoking, hiding it, so my trust was really destroyed. I kicked him out, and told him he needed to find treatment and make changes. He made promises so within the week he was back in the house.

Since then, he has made no real progress. But he says I’m not being fair with that assessment because he stopped drinking and smoking, on his own, cold turkey. He complains about our insurance because the doctors and programs he wants to try are all out of network and the ones in network are hard to schedule. He tells me to try to get his apppoinents for him.

I’ve been having a hard time finding the love I have/had for him. I haven’t been as affectionate toward him as he says he needs me to be. I worry about him being with our son all day. He protests that he is a good father which he mostly is, and that he “never puts our son at risk”. I don’t trust him at all. He blames my stressful job as the reason he can’t talk to me to tell me about the stress in his life. So like today, he turns to alcohol as his crutch (his word).

I think I know where I am...but I also just need to hear back from strangers who have been through this too.

Seren

Good morning, Di, and Welcome!

Since you have been reading these boards for a bit, you know that your story is sadly not unique. Addiction runs in my family like a thread through the generations, but I have never been married to nor had children with an active alcoholic.

Others will be along soon who have stories very similar to your own--who can share their experience and strength with you.

I'm glad you found us, but very sorry for the reasons why.

Welcome, again!

Thursdays

SmallButMighty

Hi TexasDi, I was married to and raised a family with my AXH (alcoholic ex husband) He displayed all the same behavior you describe here in your husband plus more. Like chronic drunk driving and financial dishonesty.

The lies. Oh the lies. That's what did us in more than the drinking. I couldn't trust a word he said. Eventually I figured out there was no way I could spend the rest of my life tied to a drunk spouse I couldn't trust. That wasn't what I thought a marriage should be. I was 42 when I got out, after 26 years together. I just couldn't imagine living another 40 or 50 years with him as he progressed into that pit and took me along for the ride. I made the very difficult and painful decision to get off the ride.

His broken promises, blame shifting and projection were my "normal". I accepted far too much unacceptable behavior for far too long. I set bad examples for my children with my codependent behavior. Just as bad as he did with his drinking. Although there was never any violence and seldom any arguing, we still set a very bad example of a dysfunctional alcoholic/codependent relationship dynamic. I will always regret that. I don't want my son thinking that he should ever behave like his father and I'd never want my daughter to allow the crap I allowed. And vice versa. Nobody, male or female should ever treat anyone, or allow themselves to be treated, with disrespect.

I just mentioned to someone on here recently, that it was not a lack of love that destroyed my first marriage. It was my lack of trust and his lack of respect. That's a sad end to a love story.

My suggestion to you, just as it it to everyone, is to trust your instincts. They are never wrong if you actually listen to your gut, not your head and not your heart, they can screw with ya, but your gut is always right. Especially when it comes to your children. If your instincts are telling you not to trust him alone with the child.. listen to that. You wont ever regret it. If you ignore that instinct you very well could end up regretting it.

I'm sorry you had to find us TDi but I'm glad you did. I hope you decide to stick around and hang out with us.

seekingcalm

Good morning and welcome. I am so sorry for what brings you here, but so glad you have found this wonderful site. I have never had a child with an alcoholic, although my partner and the love of my life is a recovering alcoholic (almost 10 years) and my son from whom I am estranged is an active and so far high functioning alcoholic in that he has a successful career. It's a terrible disease, and unfortunately lying is a part of it.
Many others will be along who can share their experiences with an alcoholic spouse with whom they are raising a family.
Learning to take care of yourself and your child no matter what your husband does or doesn't do will serve you well. Keep posting and reading. Wish you the best.

hopeful4

I am going to be blunt here. And I say this as someone who has been in the same boat, so I get it.

Thing is, two weeks is NOTHING. Promises mean nothing. He can make his own appointments, as it's HIS recovery, not yours. It sounds like you need to get him out and get a reliable caretaker for your child. Put your child first.

If he wants recovery he will reach for it. If not, he won't. There are Three C's you should become very familiar with:

You did not Cause it, You cannot Control it, and you cannot Cure it. You cannot control his actions, but you can most definitely control your own reactions. Be kind to yourself, take good care of you and your child. Follow what is best for your child and you won't go wrong.

I am sorry for what brings you here, but very glad you are here.

Ariesagain

Healingbegins

I've been there, done that, still doing it, but waking up. Usually the cycle never changes and you are always blamed for the "problem". I agree with SmallbutMighty about setting the examples for your kids. It is something I regret with my kids. Its not easy raising kids with an active alcoholic and it gets even harder when they get older and realize what the alcoholic is doing to the family and then they notice what YOU haven't done to fix it. Because kids really think anything can just be fixed. Vicious cycle. I too would follow your gut instinct. Its telling you something for a reason.

trailmix

hi TexasDi. Glad you have had a chance to read around, lots of good info here at SR, as you have discovered.

The part you mentioned here:

"Cycle: we fight, he promises to do better, I take no action. Repeat, repeat, repeat".

That's really it in a nutshell. Nothing has really changed. I think asking him to leave was a really good thing on your part, nothing changes if nothing changes.

He is drinking/drunk when he looks after your young child and that must be a horrible worry for you and also bad for your child.

I can see you have one foot out the door, if I am hearing you correctly and omg why wouldn't you. He has lied, cheated and lied some more. He blames everything on you, he continues to drink, has no job and never has.

He is completely relying on your for his - well-being.

Your "lack of affection" is completely understandable. If you hadn't detached where would you be? At the beck and call of someone who is completely not trustworthy.

Above all you need to protect yourself and your Son. He is not someone who can be believed or relied on, as he has shown you over and over.

Look after yourself.

Have you considered having him move out until such time as he can prove he is sober and reliable? Say a year or so and then review (if you are even interested in reviewing at that time)?

PuzzledHeart

Both my sister and I came from a physically abusive household. She still hangs out with her abuser, takes substances, and plays a minimal role in her children's lives. I did not take that path, although I've had suicidal bouts, chronic depression, and probably some OCD to make things interesting. So yeah, I went to therapy, as my bank account can attest. It was a hell of lot better than the alternative.

Well he's right about something: therapy won't work if you're forced to go. Therapy requires you to actually face your fears in order for it to work. If your husband has spent his entire life practicing avoidance, I can see why it is a scary prospect. That said, there is a point where you just got to do it. He's not there yet. Doesn't mean that you have to wait around your entire life waiting for him to get ready.

If he had cancer, do you think he would stop pursuing treatment just because the doctors he prefers are out-of-network? Would he twiddle his thumbs waiting for you to make his appointments for him? What are you, his mom? He's 42, not 4.

The fact that his marriage and family are slipping away from him isn't enough of a fire under his ass to truly pursue a solution is a big honking red flag.

Never putting your child at risk is a sign of a good parent? That's like saying "Hey, I'm breathing, therefore I must be living a really great life." He's set the bar so low that only amoebas can crawl under it. The fact that he is even using that phrase as an argument... I can't even...

I have a stressful job. My husband still talks to me about the stress in his life.
My husband has a stressful job. I talk to him about the stress in my life.

Neither of us turn to alcohol as a crutch. There are many alternatives to dealing with stress besides alcohol. Some people run. Other people knit. Some may even use ****** dolls. You don't need to go on regular liquid kamikaze missions against your brain and liver to deal with stress. The fact that your husband sees this as the ONLY option, and is willing to revolve his life around this notion, is a sign that he is not ready to be the man he needs to be in order for this marriage to work.

TexasDi

Dazedandconfus

AnvilheadII

When he moved in with me, I told him I could support us until he found a job. He never really found one and was secretly drinking, smoking, and communicating with his ex girlfriend.

Cycle: we fight, he promises to do better, I take no action. Repeat, repeat, repeat.

Earlier this year, when our son turned one,I found out he was drinking a lot, smoking, hiding it, so my trust was really destroyed. I kicked him out, and told him he needed to find treatment and make changes. He made promises so within the week he was back in the house.

you did say you would support him until he "found" a job. not surprising that he hasn't "found one yet. why should he? you said you'd cover it, for as long as it took.

i presume in the last paragraph you meant the AH was drinking alot, not the one year old? (sorry, gallows humor there). yet all he had to do after getting kicked out was to say some special words, and he's right back in, where you take care of everything. sweet deal for him!

that he drinks at all and is also considered the primary caretaker of the very small child is a BIG problem.

He protests that he is a good father which he mostly is,
that is not good enough. as a parent you either ALL IN ALL THE TIME, or the child is not your priority. i understand the "convenience" of having someone at home for childcare, but would you let ANYONE else watch your child if you knew they had a drinking problem and were likely to drink while your child was in their care? i imagine if you had cameras in the house and could watch how he "takes care" of your child for one full day, you would NEVER let that happen again.

i know i sound harsh. but there is a one year old child who can't walk, talk or in any way take care of or defend itself. the baby can't even tell you what happened during the day. he is at the mercy of an alcoholic who cannot make him a priority.

FeelingGreat

New definition of alcoholism; thank you Puzzled.

Zevin

Welcome, Texas Di. I am so sorry for why you need to be here but SO glad you found Soberrecovery.
Amazing wisdom and support here.

SmartRose