dpac414

I feel like petulant child, because I'm having a horrible internal tantrum about not being able to drink.

I'm listening to the NXT post show review from upNXT (wrestling thing) and they had a tailgate before the show on Saturday, and I just keep thinking about how fun it must be to party with those guys. They made a shot called the Purple Rain Maker from the Velveteen Dream's finisher. Making fun drinks and tasting new things used to be so fun. Until it wasn't.

I'll never get to party like that again, because I'm a ******* alcoholic and can't control myself. Which like, fine. FINE. I get it. But before **** got really out of hand, I had some really awesome parties. And I know you'll say "did you really have awesome parties?" and the answer to that is yes. I actually did.

I'm not going to drink over this. I promise. I just needed to get it out because I know you guys will understand. I still have some friends, but I don't talk to any of the ones I used to hang out with because we all bonded over drinking and conventions. And drinking at conventions. So sometimes, like today, it's lonely.

I'm sorry I'm whining. But this is the first time in a long time that I've had this feeling and it took me by surprise. I'm dealing with it, but I'm just in a Mood.

Thanks for reading.

nez

It's a mood. We have those because we are human beings. I wish I could be more like my dog, she only has one mood...good, but I am stuck with being a human in this life. Moods can be great teachers though as long as I process my reactions and think about those reactions and the whys before taking action. It is all good and part of recovery. Sounds like you are doing just that, goodatcha!

biminiblue

Why not look for the sober Wrestling fans? They're out there...is there a fan forum or website where you could seek them out?

FOMO is one of those things that fall into that, "Comparison is the thief of joy," categories.

And there is really no bigger thief than alcohol and drugs. It robbed me of my entire essence.

doggonecarl

Feeling nostalgic about the good-ole party days is common.

Common, but dangerous. Don't entertain such thoughts for too long. The last thing you need is feeling resentful about being sober. Such resentment leads to often to drinking.

stay strong.

Kaily

You will still have lots of fun dpac ~ just different fun.

This moment will pass.

Callas

Well, like someone said on these pages, I used to do that but now I am doing something else. I was big on parties, first to arrive, last to go. So what. Been there, got that tee-shirt etc. Time to try something different.

Anna

Yeah, Dpac, recovery is not usually a straight line, but full of little ups and downs like you're experiencing. Just try to feel the feelings you have and let them go. Then, try to come up with some ideas of fun things to do that don't involve drinking.

MLD51

Oh, I have had that feeling now and then. I get it. And yes, I really did have fun drinking back in the day, before things got stupid. I don't exactly romanticize those times, because looking back, I see red flags all over the place from those fun times that of course I didn't see at the time. The seeds of alcoholism were firmly planted in me by the time I was in about my sophomore year of college, even though I was still able to keep it under control and have fun most of the the time.

I don't really think about it too much anymore though. Gradually, I have learned that I really can have as much or more fun doing a lot of the same things I used to do, and that I do a lot of different things now, too. I don't feel like I'm missing out. There's an occasional stab of wanting to just be normal, and be able to have that one or two lovely glasses of wine with a meal, but I can't, I know that, and I know I'd end up having 4-5-6 and feel like crap. Or worse.

dpac414

I knowwww I know I can still have fun, and I do. It's just annoying to have to go places and be hyper vigilant in case a drinking opportunity I wasn't prepared for confronts me.

Okay, i think I'm done whining. I'm not going to drink, and I know how bad it got for me when I decided to quit. Life has been incredible. I'm not about to give that up. I just feel like posting here when I have these thoughts helps me work through them.

Thanks everyone. I'm gonna get a good night's sleep and try again tomorrow.

SoberRican

Hello there. Yeah venting is good. Get that off yo chest. But in my case yeah I had some fun time waaaay back in the days. Old old memories . me now looking back is not a pretty picture. What I see is a sick man doing stupid but needed things just to feel normal. Pretty sad. Actually . so now any fun thing for will be done sober. And I'm glad. Nothing like it. Keep coming back

Misssy2

I NEVER tell people to go to a meeting unless I know that a meeting has worked for someone in the past.

I was reading some of your past posts and meetings work for you..

I was scared when I read what you posted tonight...I know you are venting and that is good...but I feel the Alcoholic demon sneaking up on you .

dpac414

thanks for the concern Missy, but I think I'm gonna be okay.

Thinking a little more clearly now after a good dinner and some relaxation, and the truth is that I haven't wanted to go out like that in a long time, even when I was still drinking.

I got drunk at home by myself 7 days a week for over a year and half....so any fun times partying were long gone. And when I tried to get drunk for "fun" it would always go from 0 to 100 in a second flat, so there was no "joy" in it. I don't miss the hangovers, I don't miss the stupid **** I'd say, I don't miss people taking advantage of me (because you'd think after the first time it happened I would have learned my goddamn lesson, but nah). I don't miss any of it.

What I DO enjoy is waking up every morning and working out, eating good foods and feeling good, having my digestion all straightened out, clear eyes, regulated mood, feelings of hope and positivity, being present in the moment, fully enjoying time with my family and friends, being able to think critically about problems, making sound decisions, no anxiety about what I might do when I go somewhere, good sleep, elevated energy.....the list goes on.

And if I really think about it, none of those friends that I used to drink with reached out when I fell off the face of the earth and isolated myself to get drunk by myself. None of them were really friends in the first place.

I have my meeting tomorrow night after a boxing class that I badly need to get out some feelings, haha. Beating the **** outta the bag is gonna feel really good, and then I get to talk about my feelings with a bunch of other alkies. Good Wednesday night.

Still feelin a bit off, but I also think it's due to it being that good ol' time of the month. So like all things, it will pass. It will pass. One day at a time. That's all I can do. And I will not drink today.

Misssy2

Whew! You sound great now....That's so good....My son boxes also....I know that will make you feel better too.. Glad to hear you more upbeat.

DriGuy

21 years before I quit drinking, I was in the habit of getting high every night. On one Sunday evening I went to my favorite bar, and it was closed, which irritated me greatly, but I sucked it up and went to my second favorite bar, which was also closed, and that irritated me twice as much. I finally found a beer and pizza joint with well documented horrible pizza, like the worst you ever had, and was so angry by that time that I was internally ballistic.

This did concern me quite a bit. After all, why would it be necessary to get that steamed up over not finding a place that served whisky? I asked myself, if I might be an alcoholic. I decided there was definitely a good chance, but thought I was still OK, because I skied, hiked, played basketball, and was in good shape. I just started being more careful to make sure I had a quart of whisky around each weekend in case of emergency. And I was religious about not being caught short again.

15 years later, I found myself in an overnight wilderness seminar in a out of the way place in Montana. I figured everyone would go out for a few drinks in the evening like we always managed to do, but we didn't. My wife and I retired to our cabin, where I started getting antsy and angry just like that other time, and then I ended up driving 50 miles round trip to buy a bottle at a bar and take it back to the cabin. I relaxed after that, but was reassured once again that I was not a normal drinker.

I should have quit the first time I was hit in the face with one of those fits, but I was convinced I really liked drinking, and since I was still healthy, there didn't seem to be any big issue. Fun though I thought it was, it was taking a toll. I quit when I started doing embarrassing things and shaming myself, because I was losing control of my situation. Alcoholism just keeps getting worse, and your loss of integrity and self worth just lasts longer and becomes alarmingly more stressful. I wish I would have known this before it got that bad, but no one told me. I didn't have a forum like this, and I didn't have friends that would encourage me to quit.

dpac, hang in there. I can't change your memories about alcohol, but I want to reassure you that a sober life is very fulfilling. Alcohol is a trap, seductive at first, but eventually it's pure Hell.

dpac414

Thanks again. That's why i'm so grateful for all of you here to lean on when things get tough or weird or frustrating. All the people here who know what it's like are invaluable.

thomas11

Vent away, just hope you don't drink. It will just take you down the rabbit hole that runs deep. I attended and threw epic parties myself, but that was in a different life. No more.