What does this mean?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2019
Posts: 135
What does this mean?
Yesterday, I was on my way to town around 2pm . I hear a honk and look over to see my AH passing me heading towards home. He does not get off work until 4 so this was kind of strange. I text him to tell him that I was going to the store. I get home and he tells me that someone called his company (he drives a company vehicle with the number on it) and informed them that he was "sleeping" behind the wheel. His office called him and he told them nope....probably just a "long blink". This was around 11am. He said he took his lunch then to see if he could wake up but then decided to call it a day and come home. This morning, he had the shakes so bad and could not stay awake at all before leaving to go to work.
AH just started this job a week ago. It took me MONTHS to even get him an interview anywhere in town because of his job history (yes, I said me....I admit to do his dirty work but this is something I am working on)...I thought this job would help him sober up (ugh...loving the potential) I am so worried that he will drink on the job and get fired!!!! I just cleaned his old work truck yesterday to get it ready to sell....I pulled an entire kitchen trash bag FULL of vodka bottles out from under the seats and in the glove box.
I am at a loss of what to do with him anymore. I do not get involved in his nonsense and I have started living my own life but I still love him and he is still the father of our beautifully broken family. If Alcohol is my tragedy, self-control will be my Triumph.
AH just started this job a week ago. It took me MONTHS to even get him an interview anywhere in town because of his job history (yes, I said me....I admit to do his dirty work but this is something I am working on)...I thought this job would help him sober up (ugh...loving the potential) I am so worried that he will drink on the job and get fired!!!! I just cleaned his old work truck yesterday to get it ready to sell....I pulled an entire kitchen trash bag FULL of vodka bottles out from under the seats and in the glove box.
I am at a loss of what to do with him anymore. I do not get involved in his nonsense and I have started living my own life but I still love him and he is still the father of our beautifully broken family. If Alcohol is my tragedy, self-control will be my Triumph.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2019
Posts: 135
Originally Posted by FallenAngelina 
You're asking, "What does this mean?" Are you referring to this?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2019
Posts: 135
Sorry that part of my message got deleted...
What does this mean? I was referring to a conversation in which he stated that I not worry so much about what he is doing in someone else's car because it "does not affect me". About a week and a half ago, our son had a medical emergency and had to be taken to the hospital via paramedics. AH borrowed his boss' car to drive home! He was so drunk!!! When I got home from the hospital, he was very defensive about it and said that everyone involved knew that he had a beer (more likely that he had a half pint of vodka) and drove home. He told me the same thing then "don't worry about what I do in someone else's car" and was furious that I was more worried about the car than HIS safety!
My question refers to how this does not affect me. Does he really not see that if he crashes in the company car and gets a DUI that it will effect the WHOLE FAMILY? I do not even know how he got to drive the company vehicle since he has a previous DUI and an SR-22.
I knew that he drives intoxicated...does that make me an accessory since I didn't speak up? That is what I really want to know.
What does this mean? I was referring to a conversation in which he stated that I not worry so much about what he is doing in someone else's car because it "does not affect me". About a week and a half ago, our son had a medical emergency and had to be taken to the hospital via paramedics. AH borrowed his boss' car to drive home! He was so drunk!!! When I got home from the hospital, he was very defensive about it and said that everyone involved knew that he had a beer (more likely that he had a half pint of vodka) and drove home. He told me the same thing then "don't worry about what I do in someone else's car" and was furious that I was more worried about the car than HIS safety!
My question refers to how this does not affect me. Does he really not see that if he crashes in the company car and gets a DUI that it will effect the WHOLE FAMILY? I do not even know how he got to drive the company vehicle since he has a previous DUI and an SR-22.
I knew that he drives intoxicated...does that make me an accessory since I didn't speak up? That is what I really want to know.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Does he really not see that if he crashes in the company car and gets a DUI that it will effect the WHOLE FAMILY?
No he does not see it that way. Alcoholics live in denial.
But you see it clearly. Stay in reality! Arguing or trying to be persuasive to an alcoholic so that they "see" reality will never ever work.
I knew that he drives intoxicated...does that make me an accessory since I didn't speak up?
A good question for a lawyer. If he kills people in a DUI accident or destroys property while intoxicated (or not!) yes you could be named as part of a lawsuit seeking damages, since you are married, it depends on the laws in your state. Ask a lawyer.
I called the cops on my brother when he left an event completely wasted and drove. They didn't catch him - that night. I also had physically violent altercations with him to take his keys away and not allow him to drive. Ugly and horrible. He lost his license after 2 DUIs, it's just an anomoly that he didn't kill anyone, his last DUI he struck a car being driven by a priest who went to hospital and was treated and released, so for some reason there was no additional charge along with the DUI.
I ultimately stopped spending time around him as much as possible. I obviously couldn't prevent him from drunk driving unless I put him in a locked cell 24/7 or became his chauffeur. So I had to accept the fact that he might die or kill or disable others in an accident. It's a dark and heavy thing to deal with. AlAnon was the key for me. Can you get to an AlAnon meeting near you?
https://al-anon.org
Peace,
B.
No he does not see it that way. Alcoholics live in denial.
But you see it clearly. Stay in reality! Arguing or trying to be persuasive to an alcoholic so that they "see" reality will never ever work.
I knew that he drives intoxicated...does that make me an accessory since I didn't speak up?
A good question for a lawyer. If he kills people in a DUI accident or destroys property while intoxicated (or not!) yes you could be named as part of a lawsuit seeking damages, since you are married, it depends on the laws in your state. Ask a lawyer.
I called the cops on my brother when he left an event completely wasted and drove. They didn't catch him - that night. I also had physically violent altercations with him to take his keys away and not allow him to drive. Ugly and horrible. He lost his license after 2 DUIs, it's just an anomoly that he didn't kill anyone, his last DUI he struck a car being driven by a priest who went to hospital and was treated and released, so for some reason there was no additional charge along with the DUI.
I ultimately stopped spending time around him as much as possible. I obviously couldn't prevent him from drunk driving unless I put him in a locked cell 24/7 or became his chauffeur. So I had to accept the fact that he might die or kill or disable others in an accident. It's a dark and heavy thing to deal with. AlAnon was the key for me. Can you get to an AlAnon meeting near you?
https://al-anon.org
Peace,
B.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
it took YOU months to get HIM an interview.........
he's been on the job a week and someone has already called the company regarding his behavior behind the wheel........
you have a ticking time bomb on your hands. and as a person legally bound to a reckless alcoholic who has and will drink and drive, your world can be wrecked, literally, in the "blink" of an eye. isn't that he called it? a long blink?
he's been on the job a week and someone has already called the company regarding his behavior behind the wheel........
you have a ticking time bomb on your hands. and as a person legally bound to a reckless alcoholic who has and will drink and drive, your world can be wrecked, literally, in the "blink" of an eye. isn't that he called it? a long blink?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 63
Since you are married, you too will be named in a civil suit if your AH injures or kills someone in an accident. You could lose your home, life savings, etc. Your children could be left homeless. Responsible parenting mandates that you not tolerate that level of risk. He doesn't have the right to take you and your children down with him, but he will if you let him.
I don't want to sound harsh, and I know it's a terribly difficult situation, but too many spouses of alcoholics minimize the legal and financial risks until it's too late. I'd talk to a lawyer ASAP.
I don't want to sound harsh, and I know it's a terribly difficult situation, but too many spouses of alcoholics minimize the legal and financial risks until it's too late. I'd talk to a lawyer ASAP.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,618
Originally Posted by oddsunflower
My question refers to how this does not affect me. Does he really not see that if he crashes in the company car and gets a DUI that it will effect the WHOLE FAMILY?
Let's pretend that somehow magically your assets are not involved if he gets sued for hurting someone or some thing.
They are not going to be suing him for a few dollars a week, they will probably take all of his assets (half your money, half the house, half of your possessions). This will be true even if you do have a legal separation.
I strongly recommend you speak to a lawyer.
As for a DUI, you might want to ask the lawyer about that too. What will they charge to defend a DUI and what are the possible results (fines etc). Driving the way he does he will get caught eventually, so may as well prepare for that.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2019
Posts: 135
Thank you for the truthful answers! Sometimes, you know what is right but just need someone else to hit you in the head with it. I am filing legal separation on Friday. Even if he continues to live in my home, I hope that it will provide a layer of protection for our family. I live in California so they are "no fault" divorce which means that I would end up with half of his financial responsibility if I do not do this right now.
I am an enabler and a serious co-dependent who suffers from c-PTSD. I work every day on becoming my own person and I thank you all from the bottom of my heart for not passing judgement on me and just giving great advice! This road is not an easy one to travel (as you are all very aware)
I am an enabler and a serious co-dependent who suffers from c-PTSD. I work every day on becoming my own person and I thank you all from the bottom of my heart for not passing judgement on me and just giving great advice! This road is not an easy one to travel (as you are all very aware)
Member
Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 223
Just so you know, legal separation is only effective between you and your spouse. That is, to the outside world, you could still be on the hook for things he screws up. You guys can set our finances between the two of you with the legal separation but it doesn’t protect you the same way that being divorced does. Not to pressure you to make any particular decision, just so you aren’t surprised if he does something stupid and it still your problem. At least, that was how it was explained to me by the family lawyer I consulted. I am not a family lawyer.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2019
Posts: 135
Originally Posted by DiggingForFire
Just so you know, legal separation is only effective between you and your spouse. That is, to the outside world, you could still be on the hook for things he screws up. You guys can set our finances between the two of you with the legal separation but it doesn’t protect you the same way that being divorced does. Not to pressure you to make any particular decision, just so you aren’t surprised if he does something stupid and it still your problem. At least, that was how it was explained to me by the family lawyer I consulted. I am not a family lawyer.
I will consider this and talk it over with the lawyer on Friday. I will be sure to express my concerns about liability in the case of his inevitable screwing up.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,618
I hope your assets can be separated by a separation agreement or some other method, I read there is a method of separating items out of community property, but who knows how costly that might be.
I'm sure your lawyer will help, hopefully giving you ideas for the least stressful methods!
If not, divorce should really be a consideration perhaps. Doesn't mean anyone has to go anywhere but it is nothing more than a legally binding contract and really you just have to ask yourself, do you want to be legally bound to this person?
I'm sure your lawyer will help, hopefully giving you ideas for the least stressful methods!
If not, divorce should really be a consideration perhaps. Doesn't mean anyone has to go anywhere but it is nothing more than a legally binding contract and really you just have to ask yourself, do you want to be legally bound to this person?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 534
I'm glad you are seeing a lawyer. Maybe setting up a trust and putting your assets in it is the best way to protect yourself financially. Keep his name off of it, of course.
He probably will (and deservedly so) lose this job for driving a company car, while blinking for a long time.
I'm so sorry for this sad situation you are in but you are very wise to start thinking of how to protect yourself NOW. Some people wait too long.
Let us know how it works out with lawyer.
He probably will (and deservedly so) lose this job for driving a company car, while blinking for a long time.
I'm so sorry for this sad situation you are in but you are very wise to start thinking of how to protect yourself NOW. Some people wait too long.
Let us know how it works out with lawyer.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Originally Posted by DiggingForFire
Just so you know, legal separation is only effective between you and your spouse. That is, to the outside world, you could still be on the hook for things he screws up. You guys can set our finances between the two of you with the legal separation but it doesn’t protect you the same way that being divorced does.
The best thing is for the OP to get legal advice that will apply to HER specific location and situation from a professional. Likely there are advantages and disadvantages to each of the options that we here can't know, from our status as laypeople.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 223
I should have specified I am also in her state but I thought i did tell her to speak with her own attorney. I am not a lay person but I was intending to give a heads up to think about it and not assume it would be sufficient to cover her.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
