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Is it time to make changes yet?

Old 08-12-2019, 08:32 PM
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Is it time to make changes yet?

Hello. I have a question. I know that it takes time for your brain to heal once you stop drinking, but when can I expect to trust my thoughts? I was a mess emotionally as a drunk, much less so as a sober person, but I am in a loveless relationship with someone who will never forgive me. We were drinking partners, now we are both sober, but not partners in any way. I respect my SO and forgive all of the abuse and disrespect during the drinking years, but am having a hard time with the fact that I don't think I will ever get the same. It is a cold and lonely place.
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Old 08-12-2019, 08:54 PM
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After about 3 months I felt like I could trust my emotions and judgement.
Some changes needs to happen - if you feel this relationship is not healthy for you I don;t think anyone would expect you to stay in it.
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Old 08-12-2019, 08:58 PM
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I felt more like me about three months in.
Agree with Dee that if the relationship is feeling unhealthy, then it may be time to leave it.
You certainly wouldn’t be the first.
Good thoughts. Keep coming back.
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Old 08-12-2019, 09:58 PM
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I am currently three months in and I can tell you that compared to day 1, right now feels like I can actually look within and make the best decisions for me. Or at least better grasp the consequences, if I know the choice isn't the best but something/some other consideration is stopping me from making the optimal choice.
There's more clarity and ownership in choices.
Hope you find the right decision
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Old 08-12-2019, 10:57 PM
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If its not a healthy situation . I would evaluate the whole thing. Listen to you. And you will do what's right for you . it might sting but you will heal. Everything happens for a reason. Keep coming back
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Old 08-13-2019, 03:40 AM
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Thank you for the feedback. I know we all have our own paths, but I just feel like my SOs path doesn't include me. Sometimes the resentment (my SOs, not mine) makes me feel like why did I do all of this work if you were still going to disregard me as a person. But then I remember that I am sober for me, not you.
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Old 08-13-2019, 06:30 AM
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Worrying about making the right decisions is a starting point, but keep in mind that no one makes the right decisions all the time. It sounds like you are starting to give your decisions some thought, and that may be the best any of us can do. Thinking about the long term consequences of whatever you decide should be part of the process. There is one option about decisions that you shouldn't overlook, and that is the "do nothing" option. It's not necessarily good or bad, but it may be better than jumping in with both feet if you're not sure. Use the extra time to think some more.

So when are you really ready to make changes? I don't think that can be judged by days weeks or months. It depends on how big the emergency is for one thing. It also depends on when you are better able to make decisions (which may be difficult to determine). Most of all, if it turns out wrong, don't make the same mistake again and move on.

There's a rule of thumb often cited in AA: "Don't make any changes for a year." Obviously, I think decision making may be required before then, and I believe one year is far to arbitrary. But there is one thing I get from that rule of thumb. Maybe not exactly one year, but do take your time and give some thought to what you do.
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Old 08-13-2019, 06:40 AM
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Hi Daisy - chiming in that it takes time - and sorting out what was real (in my head v not!) def took a good bit of time. I recall the 100 day mark being a good shift forward in many areas. It keeps getting clearer and we can make ever better decisions.

How long have you been sober? Are you working any kind of program?

I'd add, gently, that we can only make our choices, not others. It's hard but focusing on a SO or anyone else is not good for using our energy.
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Old 08-13-2019, 06:52 AM
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I made a couple of decisions early in sobriety that I kind of regretted later. I wasn't thinking clearly enough yet when I made them (about 2-3 months in). How long have you been sober? How long has he? Some people take longer to forgive and trust again than others. My best friend/kind of boyfriend held resentments for a longer time than I thought was reasonable. We really struggled and I cut off the friendship/relationship in frustration, only to regret that and rekindle it. He did come around eventually, and things are fine now. Maybe your SO needs some more time? Have you thought about going to Al Anon? You might take some comfort from talking with other people in relationships with alcoholics/recovering alcoholics. You might gain some insight. And like DriGuy said, you may want to do nothing for a little while, depending on how long you have been sober. Unless, of course, there is abuse happening now, in which case, take care of yourself immediately.
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Old 08-13-2019, 09:17 AM
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It is a hard place to be.....

Its hard to let go of what we are used to even if it isn't good....

You did it with the alcohol...you can do ANYTHING now.

Don't settle...life is short.
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Old 08-13-2019, 10:18 AM
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Thank you everyone for the input. You have brought up the things I have considered. There is currently no abuse, and I think that I will take the time to really think this out with a (thankfully) clear head. Wish me luck.
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Old 08-13-2019, 10:26 AM
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I wish you luck, Daisy and I think your thoughts will be clearer as time goes on. I know I had to be patient for my family to forgive me, but the forgiveness is essential for you to carry on as a couple. I wonder if couples counselling would help you?
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Old 08-15-2019, 12:33 AM
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Originally Posted by daisy33 View Post
Thank you everyone for the input. You have brought up the things I have considered. There is currently no abuse, and I think that I will take the time to really think this out with a (thankfully) clear head. Wish me luck.
OK then, Good Luck! I think in your case it's probably wise to take some to think this through. All to often, us problem solvers want to jump in and make a decision. You know... Take action and get 'er done. But in this case, you don't know for sure how your relationship might change. You can take your time, because I'm guessing the problem will still be there to solve later. If the problem goes away, better yet.

You seem intelligent and thoughtful, and this enhances your ability to handle this kind of situation in the best possible way. And if things don't work out perfectly, I think your smart enough to handle that too. I don't believe you are a high risk for failure in life.
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