bluelight44

This is my first time posting here, and I have to say this forum has been such a savior in this incredibly difficult time knowing there are others out there going through the same thing. I met my ABF 5 months ago and our connection was so deep, soul level and we felt like we were completely meant for each other. I saw the drinking early on and he shared about it, but always says it's under control bc he drinks a lot less than he used to. I am heart broken because there have been repeated episodes of him getting triggered by the littlest, benign things I say or do which results in him getting irate and yelling at me (projecting) and telling me how I am this or that... and that everything is my fault. I know this isn't true, but it still stings so much. Another episode happened yesterday just 2 days after he came over and deeply apologized, in tears and acknowledged that it is all he who is the problem and not me. I mailed him a letter in the mail a few days be fore that saying I love him deeply but I cannot be on the receiving end of his anger and aggression anymore. If he chooses to get help, I will be by his side. I think the letter helped him reflect and he said he didn't want to loose me. I know my staying in this relationship is not healthy for me or even him and that my going back to it shows I myself am in a bit of a co-dependent pattern/ in denial. But I love him so deeply and my heart is so broken that the man I love yells at me and emotionally abuses me. The last episode I think has resulted in us breaking up. I feel like I do not have the strength to stand by my words of I can't be with a drinker. I always seem to crack and want to go back into his arms. I am really struggling.

Misssy2

I have the same problem with someone that does crack...I'm an alcoholic but I have not drank in almost 50 days....my b/f has never stopped doing crack.

He is a GREAT guy..Iove him so much and I know he loves me...but like you I don't want to take the "brunt" of his addictions...and I KNOW firsthand how torn you feel.

I sit with knots in my stomach from the anxiety of being "torn" as to what to do about he and I.

I know the SMART thing to do for me and anyone in this situation is to disconnect ourselves until they are WELL.....They have to be well or the same ole' stuff that was happening will keep happening.

This is the first time I have been without a man in my life for an extended period of time because he and I are still "stuck"....but I think being without a man in my life is GOOD for me right now...I've never been without one....And the one I love is also addicted...and using so I can not be in his life.....

Then again I change my mind like the weather.

least

Welcome to the family.

I would let the relationship go until he's got significant sober time. Abuse is never ok and he's not treating you like he loves you. He's right about one thing tho - the problem is with him, not you.

I'd let him have his space and recover (or not) on his own.

BeABetterMan

SoberRican

I would say let go and let God. Take care of numero uno. You. Hopefully something will click and he will do the right thing. He is sick. He has to pull the trigger to do the right thing. Right now he is using you as a trigger. Which is bull. Thats a cop out. Do you first. Keep coming back.

bluelight44

Thank you all for writing! This forum is so incredibly helpful. Reading posts here and on another thread helped me to stop crying last night and get a good night sleep. Invaluable. It's so helpful to hear everyone's experiences on both sides of this situation. Thank you.

I have been entangled in the web as they say and regretting the way I didn't communicate enough with him last weekend. We made plans to get together on saturday. I texted him in the morning (no response for over an hour) then called - no answer and called again a little later. He was irate that I was "blowing up his phone on a Saturday morning" So I just tried to get off the phone because he was yelling at me- and we never established what time I should expect him at my house. Hours went by and I never called him for fear he would be a jerk again so was letting him reach out. He never did, so I decided to go to the neighborhood pool for a swim (something I suggested earlier we could do together). Long story short he got to my house when I was swimming, texted and called me, but I was in the pool. When I called him back he said too late I'm on my way back home (50 min drive) and said I was so selfish for not letting him know where I was or for not leaving a note- he said was I just supposed to wait around for you? I get that- But he doesn't see that I was in tears from the morning's phone call and that he never called when he was on his way here. I waited for hours not knowing his ETA. He usually always calls when he leaves his house. Was I supposed to wait at home all day for him? I honestly wasn't sure when or if he was coming because he was so pissed earlier.

I had knots in my stomach all weekend thinking that if I had just left him a note that I was at the pool, we would have had a weekend together. But I was in tears and was not even remotely thinking to reach out to him after he said I was blowing up his phone. Btw I was checking my phone every 20 min. It just so happens he texted right after I looked at my phone.

I know this is minutia and I did nothing wrong and that he has deep anger issues and I am just the immediate target. So heart breaking because I know he is a good man inside. He is just sick. He is 51 and has been sober 2x before. But I do know I cannot fix him and the best is to walk away. I do think he wants to get better, but I wonder at his age if is is really willing and able? He has even told me that he wants to get better and not drink as much. He even has a rx for naltrexone, but I know he is not taking it every time- so it will not work unless he does. He is not ready or will he ever be? I know he has to want to change. And me in the picture I'm sure feels like someone who is pressuring him to change. I think me out of the picture is the healthiest for both of us. Thank you for listening. Much gratitude for you all.

Anna

I think you are exactly right to step away. The emotional abuse he is throwing at you is completely unacceptable. It's time for you to take care of yourself.

ReadyAtLast

You have only been together 5 months. Saying you deeply love a man who abuses you, yells at you and is aggressive too shows you maybe need to work on valuing yourself and your self respect. I speak from experience. You won't save him. I used to think I was in love with a man who treated me dreadfully. (some of the time) The rest of the time he was wonderful, we had such a deep connection.

I now realise (with the benefit of age and experience) that men like that ARE so manipulative it does seem wonderful and perfect until it doesn't. But I continued to try to get it back. But it isn't real. Perfection. perfect love, totally wonderful isn't real life. it would be perfect again, it would be wonderful again if only if he didn't do x,y, or z. but it never was. I just ended up on edge and a nervous wreck . If I had had more self respect and self worth in the first place I would never have allowed myself to be treated like that. People will treat you as badly and as abusively as you allow them to.