deep shame and guilt how do you ever recover
Sick n tired
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 509
deep shame and guilt how do you ever recover
I can’t forget or accept my past behaviour. I feel so guilty about the damage I caused my loved ones. Can’t live with this. I found out something I’d said done years ago and I’m horrified. I can’t believe it. Shame guilty and self hate. My life is wasted I truly screwed it up. I look at my kids and I can’t believe how I have let them down. How do I even begin to recover. Sober now and no matter how much this is hurting I will never ever ever drink that stuff again. I’m a failure of a mum. I’m a bad person and I have failed at life
Member
Join Date: Aug 2019
Posts: 210
The thing is I have spent years worrying about the past and trying to change it in my mind but however hard I tried it still remains exactly the same...
Nobody has a track record of being perfect and even if they appear to then the only difference is they did not get drunk and tell it like the addict has. In other words only the sober person will know what they have done wrong and relying on time to sweep it under the carpet and pretend it never happened until such a time that there guard drops...
Nobody is squeaky clean, perhaps they were horrible as kids, perhaps they manipulated somebody for a financial or personal gain, perhaps they walked away from somebody that needed them!
Worrying about it wont help though, it's about as useful as a chocolate fireguard to be honest!
Nobody has a track record of being perfect and even if they appear to then the only difference is they did not get drunk and tell it like the addict has. In other words only the sober person will know what they have done wrong and relying on time to sweep it under the carpet and pretend it never happened until such a time that there guard drops...
Nobody is squeaky clean, perhaps they were horrible as kids, perhaps they manipulated somebody for a financial or personal gain, perhaps they walked away from somebody that needed them!
Worrying about it wont help though, it's about as useful as a chocolate fireguard to be honest!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 598
Your life is not over. As recovering alcoholics most of us look back at horror stories in the past. Beating yourself up changes nothing. All one can do is work on the here and the now. Time the great healer. Sober time double the great healer.
voices ca**y
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: St. Paul Minnesota
Posts: 4,359
It gets better. Shame, guilt, and self-hatred are sobriety killers. Your kids will heal too. Acknowledging what has happened will go along way for their peace of mind. I took it pretty hard as a kid as I'm sure a lot of us have. The worst part was thinking I deserved it because there was something wrong with me. Help them to understand they deserved better.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Sober time helps for sure Eve, keep up the good work there. I personally found that quitting drinking in itself was not enough to help me recover though. I had underlying issues with my mental health ( anxiety ) and my physical health. I needed to seek professional help for my anxiety issues and it really, really helped. Mindfulness and meditation - both the practice and reading about them helped a lot too. I also had to specifically do work on my recovery from drinking too - just "not drinking" was only the start.
It can and will get better though if you keep working on it.
It can and will get better though if you keep working on it.
voices ca**y
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: St. Paul Minnesota
Posts: 4,359
I just remembered an incident that happened about a year into recovery. I'm a mom too and I drank pretty heavily starting when my daughter was about 10. I escaped when she was 16 and the last 2 years of my drinking I was MIA mentally. I beat myself up over that pretty good. I was so worried about what it had done to her and the example I set. Finally one day, after me trying to apologize yet again, she looked at me and said "Stop it mom. I know you think you were a bad mom but you weren't."
It's not as if we alcoholics have a habit of blowing things up in our minds or anything (wink wink)
It's not as if we alcoholics have a habit of blowing things up in our minds or anything (wink wink)
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 919
Don't let your past failures define your current relationships. That is both a positive and a negative warning.
You still have a chance, yes. But also if you keep living in the past you'll mess up the present.
The reason why I finally forgave my dad and found a true relationship with him at 25 is because he changed. And thats good enough for me.
You still have a chance, yes. But also if you keep living in the past you'll mess up the present.
The reason why I finally forgave my dad and found a true relationship with him at 25 is because he changed. And thats good enough for me.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,504
Eve, you have made mistakes, just as all of us here have made mistakes. That doesn't make you a bad person. I do understand the guilt and shame, especially as a mother. But, if you allow those feelings to overwhelm you, it will lead you back to drinking.
What helped me the most was keeping a journal and every time I had those awful feelings, I'd write it out, all of it. I did that for many months and it helped me to let go of the negative stuff. In the end, I burned all the words. Remember that forgiving yourself is essential to recovery and it may take a lot of time and it may come in bits and pieces, but allow forgiveness to come into your life.
What helped me the most was keeping a journal and every time I had those awful feelings, I'd write it out, all of it. I did that for many months and it helped me to let go of the negative stuff. In the end, I burned all the words. Remember that forgiving yourself is essential to recovery and it may take a lot of time and it may come in bits and pieces, but allow forgiveness to come into your life.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
stay sober and be PRESENT now to your loved ones. staying stuck in reliving past transgressions and dwelling on misdeeds, you keep yourself OUT of the present.
for some of us the solution to making peace with the past has been to thoroughly work through the 12 steps, with a sponsor.
for others, working with a therapist/counselor.
for some of us the solution to making peace with the past has been to thoroughly work through the 12 steps, with a sponsor.
for others, working with a therapist/counselor.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: West Tn
Posts: 3,043
Originally Posted by silentrun 
Finally one day, after me trying to apologize yet again, she looked at me and said "Stop it mom. I know you think you were a bad mom but you weren't."
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
eve,
yes, accepting it was really us who did horrible thing a, b, g, and r is very tough.
but accepting i did what i did was for me the only way of cementing a foundation for taking responsibility for what i had done and for going forward, in those relationships as well as in general.
accepting i had done those things didn’t immediately lead to making apologies or any such thing, but these things sure did eat at me and the fear of “dealing” with them, or trying to do what i could to make them right as far as possible, stopped me for a while from taking the road i eventually took, which included well-thought-out and prepared-for amends.
there is time for that, if you choose to do it. time to consider how to make restitutions without causing more harm.
staying sober is necessary, but in a roundabout way, accepting and amending is necessary for staying sober.
it is doable, your life is not over, you can make change happen and find what you need to help you with that.
yes, accepting it was really us who did horrible thing a, b, g, and r is very tough.
but accepting i did what i did was for me the only way of cementing a foundation for taking responsibility for what i had done and for going forward, in those relationships as well as in general.
accepting i had done those things didn’t immediately lead to making apologies or any such thing, but these things sure did eat at me and the fear of “dealing” with them, or trying to do what i could to make them right as far as possible, stopped me for a while from taking the road i eventually took, which included well-thought-out and prepared-for amends.
there is time for that, if you choose to do it. time to consider how to make restitutions without causing more harm.
staying sober is necessary, but in a roundabout way, accepting and amending is necessary for staying sober.
it is doable, your life is not over, you can make change happen and find what you need to help you with that.
Sick n tired
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 509
Thank you all for your replies but this is eating me up. It happened over 6 years ago I didn’t recal it. Unforgivable and I detest myself. My children didn’t deserve it. At the time I was I v v dark place and was going through some v bad abusive relationship but I lashed out at my loved ones.Iv caused damage and it’s long ago yes but I have only just been told how bad I acted. I feel so so so sick. I will NEVER drink alcohol again and if I have to live with this guilt and shame so be it I deserve it. Rock bottom for me it sure does hurt. My god I truly hate myself now
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 652
Hi Eve,
I hear you.
I did some awful things as both a mother and as a daughter/grandaughter through years of active addiction. I am considering counselling because when I lay down at night it is like the haunting begins. Events replay over and over. I think it is called post-traumatic stress and it applies to addictions/alcoholism as much as anything else.
Sometimes time doesn't heal everything and we have to put in the leg work to find some relief. I don't know how long you have sober but for me, it is not very long. So I have decided to give myself a little more time. Make sure that I have a good grip on this sober thing and then I will seek out some help in the form of counselling (for others that might be in the form of working the 12 steps but I am not a fellowship person). I want a good strong foundation before I start going to deeply into that though and I guess that is why AA/NA start with steps 1, 2 and 3. But knowing that I am going to get help in the future it helps me get through the now. I don't think the sadness and remorse will ever go away and maybe it shouldn't. That awareness is also part of what keeps me clean, I don't forget. But I am very sure it can be a lot more manageable than it is now, so that gives me hope.
In the meantime, I am vigilant that I do not let this become an excuse to drink. I have to be careful of that alcohol voice and remember the joys that come out of being alcohol-free today.
I hear you.
I did some awful things as both a mother and as a daughter/grandaughter through years of active addiction. I am considering counselling because when I lay down at night it is like the haunting begins. Events replay over and over. I think it is called post-traumatic stress and it applies to addictions/alcoholism as much as anything else.
Sometimes time doesn't heal everything and we have to put in the leg work to find some relief. I don't know how long you have sober but for me, it is not very long. So I have decided to give myself a little more time. Make sure that I have a good grip on this sober thing and then I will seek out some help in the form of counselling (for others that might be in the form of working the 12 steps but I am not a fellowship person). I want a good strong foundation before I start going to deeply into that though and I guess that is why AA/NA start with steps 1, 2 and 3. But knowing that I am going to get help in the future it helps me get through the now. I don't think the sadness and remorse will ever go away and maybe it shouldn't. That awareness is also part of what keeps me clean, I don't forget. But I am very sure it can be a lot more manageable than it is now, so that gives me hope.
In the meantime, I am vigilant that I do not let this become an excuse to drink. I have to be careful of that alcohol voice and remember the joys that come out of being alcohol-free today.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: Minnesota, USA
Posts: 1,468
I remember feeling that way as well.
What worked for me was to accept what I had done, forgive myself for what I have done and live a sober life.
We can not change the past. We can change the future and for me, being sober and present is the best form of practice I can put forward.
As long as you do not drink, the guilt, pain, suffering, self-hatred (bad talk), will go away, the load will lift off your shoulders and you will be free from the shackles alcohol has put you in.
It takes work. Self-dedication, motivation, the willingness to talk and get it out so it is not built up. There are many forms of recovery and roads to take. There is AA, Smart, therapy (this worked wonders for me), coming here, journal, finding a new hobby to keep you busy, meditation, GOD, church, higher power, celebrate recovery, and so on.
Find whatever works for you and stay close to it.
You can stop if you truly want it.
I found when I would sit in that self-hatred I would want to drink more. Step one was to Accept my role and then forgive myself. No one was going to forgive me if I could not forgive myself.
Blessings,
DC
What worked for me was to accept what I had done, forgive myself for what I have done and live a sober life.
We can not change the past. We can change the future and for me, being sober and present is the best form of practice I can put forward.
As long as you do not drink, the guilt, pain, suffering, self-hatred (bad talk), will go away, the load will lift off your shoulders and you will be free from the shackles alcohol has put you in.
It takes work. Self-dedication, motivation, the willingness to talk and get it out so it is not built up. There are many forms of recovery and roads to take. There is AA, Smart, therapy (this worked wonders for me), coming here, journal, finding a new hobby to keep you busy, meditation, GOD, church, higher power, celebrate recovery, and so on.
Find whatever works for you and stay close to it.
You can stop if you truly want it.
I found when I would sit in that self-hatred I would want to drink more. Step one was to Accept my role and then forgive myself. No one was going to forgive me if I could not forgive myself.
Blessings,
DC
Member
Join Date: Aug 2019
Posts: 210
Originally Posted by eve123
Thank you all for your replies but this is eating me up. It happened over 6 years ago I didn’t recal it. Unforgivable and I detest myself. My children didn’t deserve it. At the time I was I v v dark place and was going through some v bad abusive relationship but I lashed out at my loved ones.Iv caused damage and it’s long ago yes but I have only just been told how bad I acted. I feel so so so sick. I will NEVER drink alcohol again and if I have to live with this guilt and shame so be it I deserve it. Rock bottom for me it sure does hurt. My god I truly hate myself now
Bit naughty by whoever telling you about this 6 years after the event, and only having there take on what happened as well!
Guilt trips have always confused me to what there real purpose actually is.
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