ironwill

I know a few of you have been following me. since i joined last Friday. I know why my wife had the big talk about our relationship on Thursday and then again on Sunday. I just found out my wife is in love with someone else. She does not know that I know. I stumbled upon it today, but its something she wrote down 2 days before our big talk. She stated it not a physical affair, but definitely an emotional one. One of the arguments we had about a month ago was I thought she was having an emotional affair with the BF of course she denied it and said something, but she was very mad at me. She also thinks I think its ridiculous that she has a problem. When we first talked about it a year ago when she first meet the BF from my first post, I didn't think she had a problem. When she came to me 3 months ago and we talked about it I was all on board. She also wrote "she knows you aren't supposed to make any major changed in the first year of sobriety but not sure all of this can wait a year". I know she told me that she was talking less with the other BF, but I don't know if I believer her now. She also know she is having a fallout of this honesty. She stated she feels she a horrible person and doesn't feel good about her self.

I literately just got off the phone with her. We had a repair man for the washing machine. It's broke. She stated that she staying a bit latter at her preschool orientation tonight for a dinner afterwards because it's her class. She had preschool ornamentation last night, but it wasn't her class and they are not required to stay after for the dinner. Not required tonight also. she just wanted too. I don't know If i trust what she just told me is true. Knowing what I know now.. Or is using it to go by the BF's office and talk with him. I'm so paranoid. I could literately walk to his office from my house in about 10 min. I don't know if it's the BF that she is in love with, but it's my best guess. She hasn't said any names. She still even this morning keeps asking me if i love her.

As I sit here writing this I'm shaking. I don't know what to do. Do I talk to her about it. Do I just leave it alone and trust that the talks with me on Thursday and Sunday were her way of trying to figure things out and what direction to take and the talks made a difference and she is going to stop the emotional affair. I am at a lost and I don't know if I will be able to see her tonight and her not know something is wrong. I do have one out if she ask me. I was taking the trash out last Friday and open up the can and found an extra little bag in the can. I take out all the trash so I thought that was odd. She had thrown out a thing of pills and a vodka bottle unopened. not one i had bought. I guess she did it in the middle of the night why I was asleep and didn't think i would find out. I didn't ask her about it. i was proud that she did it all on her own and left it at that in the trash to be taken away. I will just bring that up. We have also been very intimate the last few days. Which confuses me even more. HELP with any advice. I feel like I'm losing my best friend and love of my life.

Zevin

Do you have a therapist, priest, good solid friend you could talk to?

If not, I'd take a few days to gather your thoughts, see what happens and then bring all of this up in a calm discussion.
It's good she threw away the pills and vodka!

ironwill

I was planning on coming on here today and asking if you guys thought it was appropriate to give her a very nice 90 day chip. I know she will get one at the meeting, but it is usually plastic. I am so proud of her accomplishments. I still might get it even after all of this, cause I am very proud of this.

ironwill

pastors are out of town and the person I should talk to is the church president. AKA my AW. Don't think that will work. I don't have any close friends i would feel comfortable talking to about it. maybe one I could call. That is about it.

trailmix

Call if you can, but you do have us!

Now I'm going to guess you read a journal or something to acquire this information. If you do come out with this information remember that she may see it as a huge invasion of privacy (which it is, if that is the case). That might supersede any other discussion.

I'm not surprised that she was/is involved in the emotional affair with him, all signs pointed to it really, which you already know. She is obviously struggling with this. Asking you if you love her, well I suppose she is putting in place a soft place to fall if she does discontinue her contact with the other person.

I hate seeing this. When people are vulnerable there are predators out there that will latch on to that in a second and he certainly sounds like one of them. Her responsibility, his responsibility, no use going in to all that now, again, I just hate to see this. He is disingenuous and she is starting to see that and is probably a bit scared and not sure where to turn.

If you want to fix this, you are going to have to come clean in my opinion. No use playing games here. Let her know what you know and how. Ask that she let you finish speaking. Lay your feelings out on the line (that you want to remain in this marriage).

What else can you do? You can dodge and play a game of chess and try to figure out next moves, or you can just be honest. I can only give you my opinion of course, you know her best.

Ariesagain

I went back and read your posts...in one you said she didn’t drink much but looked forward to it and then this same guy convinced her to start AA?

Now she’s throwing out pills and vodka?

Something isn’t right here, but it’s not really clear if it’s the guy, addiction, a mid-life crisis or all of the above?

In my life when I’m bombarded with a whole bunch of conflicting information, I try very hard to do nothing, because my first response often turns out to be the wrong thing to do.

Try to take deep breaths, yes? Maybe take your kids out for ice cream or something...they have to know something is off and that’s bad for them, too.

As they say, more will be revealed.

ironwill

I found out because she was in a great online chat place and had meet some great people that were helping her out. She was always happy to see these people and talk with them. I have told her that these were good people and i though maybe they might have one for alanon. I signed up and they did not. I then saw a few of her post when I looked for her name. I wasn't expecting to see past post just her profile. In some ways i wish i hadn't seen it. I'm so confuses and a mess. Just tried calling both of my friends i felt comfortable talking with and they didn't answer. Left them a message to call me.

ironwill

the pills I think she has had for a long time for other thing. Just never threw them out. I thought she had. They weren't in the medicine box. The vodka I know was not one I bought.

BlownOne

This is from one man to another, IW. The situation you find yourself in with your wife is a messy one. But please believe me when I tell you that chasing her, or pushing too hard or getting too wrapped up in how you feel about her is trouble waiting to happen. The best thing you can do right now (IMHO) is to detach from her as much as possible. You aren't responsible for her recovery. You aren't responsible for her emotional sobriety or her decisions. She is. As long as you are in this stew she has created, it's going to be harder for her to figure out exactly what it is she needs and wants. I'm not saying cut her our or leave or anything else. But what I am saying is that she needs space right now, REAL space to figure all of these things out on her own. And you need to be prepared for the chips to fall where they may. Take care of you right now and keep your focus there. And believe me, I know it's so much easier said than done. I've been there. Wishing you well.

ironwill

i realize that it is her journey. and have told her that she doesn't have tell me anything about it and I'm feel good about the people and information that she has shared and am glad that she has meet these people. I'm just lost as to what to do. She can tell when something is up with me.

FallenAngelina

There is no official AA chip policy, but chips are generally handed out as encouragement & inspiration from one recovering alcoholic to another. That recovering alcoholics come together in exclusive fellowship is one of the foundational principles of AA. The chips usually come from peers who are further along in recovery and are not just tokens of support, they also carry the legacy and hope of the program. Perhaps consider giving your wife a different token of support and pride?

Bernadette

It's too bad you "stumbled" upon something because really it seems like you could have had an honest discussion with her just based on your true feelings after that big talk or after she continued to ask you in the morning whether you love her, without having any other "evidence." Now that you have something that technically you're not "supposed' to have it brings mistrust and deceit (on YOUR part) into the mix.

Prior to your discovery you could have just said, "Hey, all this constant talk about whether I love you or not is making me feel uneasy? Is there more to your questions? Because I feel like there is." Right? Because that does seem to describe how you were actually made to feel by her questioning your love.

I mean you could still start discussions like that, but it might be deceitful now on your part if your are withholding information and in a way testing her responses.

What I've learned over the years in AlAnon is you're only as sick as your secrets. When I got to know myself better, and a huge part of that was learning to identify my own feelings, name them, and own them, I got better at honestly stating, 'I feel this......" and it helped me take better care of myself and be more authentic in all my relationships. I also learned to ask people to be honest with me, that I do better with the truth than with someone trying to control the release of factual information either for their own gains or for some misguided notion they are "protecting" me when all they are really doing is creating discomfort, suspicion, and delay. Ultimately it all comes out in the wash anyway so I'd rather get to the REALITY right away.

Just like a monkey is good at climbing trees, Alcoholics are skilled masters of providing just enough information to protect themselves. It is in their learned nature as addicts. AA demands rigorous honesty for a reason. It is the antidote to years of lying, covering up, pretending, presenting a false narrative, etc. So 90 days into recovery it is highly doubtful she has broken the habit of keeping secrets.

In any event, it is painful what you're going through - and very challenging. I find having a weekly therapy appointment to be critical during my times of duress and change. That way I always have a neutral calm professionally trained person, who knows my whole story and knows my goals, that I can reliably talk to and get my own thinking straight when I'm in painful situations and everything seems muddled.

Hope you find some peace of mind very soon!
Peace,
B.

P.S. Since you asked, I wouldn't involve myself in her recovery at all - so I wouldn't buy her a separate chip. The recovered As I know don't care if a chip is plastic, paper, or rubber. It is only solid gold to them when they recognize it and cherish it as personal progress on their own recovery road. Its value also comes from OTHER alcoholics, who know how hard it is, recognizing that progress, not us normies. Maybe work on getting your own "chips" at an AlAnon meeting!! :-)

AnvilheadII

if she didn't want you to find the "token" bag with pills and a bottle of vodka in it, she would have used her addict skills to hide them better. not on top of the trash when you are the person who does all the trash emptying. i used the word token because i think your wife is throwing up smoke screens all over the place, to deflect and distract you from what is really going on. and that includes the "do you love me??" questions on repeat and the sex.

if i have this right, your wife and this other church person, hooked up during a weekend church thing. A YEAR AGO. and it was this other man who told her she drinks too much and pointed her towards AA. three months ago. so there was a prior 9 month period where these two were.....???

recently she stated that she was cutting ties, etc with other man, she got it, bad news, going to women's meetings now. yet you find out today that in her own words she is in love with someone who is not you. in spite of those big talks ya'll had.

what is they say? if you hear hoofbeats, look for horses not zebras.
and if it walks like a duck, swims like a duck and quacks like a duck, it's probably a duck. (not a flamingo!!).

dandylion

ironwill…...I can imagine how fearful you feel, right now. Very understandable. Don't Panic.
My suggestion, for your consideration, is this:
When you are able to speak calmly....I suggest that you ask her to have a sit down, with you....in a private setting.....and, tell her what you have discovered and ask if she will agree to see a trained marriage counselor, with you....
She may wish to put her cards on the table, or not...but, I don't suggest that you push for that or do any "interrogation"....
Perhaps, you can ask if she would agree to compartmentalize all of this (on both sides) until a professional can be arranged (hopefully, stat)….
this doesn't have to mean the end of a relationship.....but, a trained professional can be a source of support for the relationship and guide the both of you through this difficult time.....
***I will say something that I feel very strongly about....I believe that a situation such as this requires a Qualified therapist---one who is trained in the dynamics of marriage relationships....not a generalist--no matter how good they might be, for other situations. Very few generalists or specialists in other areas of therapy are ever specifically trained in couples therapy...that is a whole field in itself....although, many will be willing to see couples and catch as catch can...…
If there is ever a time to get a specialist...it is when infidelity...or, near infidelity has entered the relationship....because, this can be one of the things that can create such intense feelings that it can cripple an already unsteady relationship.....BUT..it doesn't always have to!

these are my thoughts on your situation....that I thought I would share....

ironwill

i just finished talking with my best friend since high school. I know she will know something is up when she gets home tonight. I might go for a walk just to see if she goes to the other persons office and to make myself calm down. Then tell her that I have to be honest with her that I found the pills and vodka bottle and see where it goes from there. And then when my pastors get back on monday have a talk with them. They know all the parties envolved and will have better insight as to what I should do. It will also give me time to see how she is reacting around me. If she is truly change. I much rather go to this to my grave if she is changed thento to be upfront and make a person who is trying to do the right thing worse.

SparkleKitty

IW, you don't have the power to change her, for better or for worse.

Seems like there are a lot of secrets here, on both sides, possibly kept with the intent of protecting each other. In my experience, recovery has demanded a great deal of honesty, with myself and with others, and without it, we stay stuck in our old patterns and behaviors, unable to move forward and heal.

ironwill

thanks everyone I'm heading home. going to stick with my plan till after I talk with the pastors.

dandylion

ironwill…...just because a person may be trying to quit drinking or not...they do not get a special dispensation from the Truth and Honesty.
I get it---that you have the belief that you have a mandate to "Help" her recovery....But, ironwill….the only thing you can do to help her with her recovery is just not be obstructive in any way. Her recovery or not will be managed by her, within her self...and, primarily with the help of those in the recovery community. The last person that she will accept "recovery help" from would be you....because she will harbor resentments to you as a person who has come between her and her relationship with alcohol.....even if you are a loved one...that won't make any difference...you will still be seen as the "enemy",,,and on the "other side"
Not communicating with one's spouse about the relationship concerns falls under the umbrella of lack of communication...which causes even further separation and chiasm in the bonds....
In AA...I have heard so many alcoholics say...and, observed, that one of the basic concepts is to endeavor to practice honesty in all of their affairs.....

these are my views that I share....so, I trust you will take what works and leave the rest....

AnvilheadII

you seem to be willing to go to a lot of lengths to not speak the truth to your wife. why is that?

endofmyrope65

Don't feel guilty about your snooping. As a matter of fact, you need MORE intel to know what the heck is going on. Get hold of her phone and check her communications. She should hand it over willingly to prove her innocence. Adults don't get together privately to just chat when they have feelings for each other.

Trust but verify. There is no privacy in marriage except in the bathroom... without the phone!

Sorry you are going through this.
Dealing with the alcohol is one thing. Dealing with cheating is something else. You could catch a very nasty disease.

You need more info.