BeABetterMan

least

When I was about 3 months sober, I still felt edgy and discontent, not 'feeling' the wonderfulness of sobriety. It was suggested that I start practicing gratitude every day. Every day find at least one thing/event/person you are grateful for.

It was hard for me at first, as I was newly sober and had a lot of damage control to do. But I kept at it until it became a habit. A really healthy habit. Being grateful made me happier too.

Here's a good article about gratitude.

https://www.nytimes.com/2015/11/22/o...pier.html?_r=0

nez

When I was drinking I did everything I could to avoid my fears. I ignored them. I went around them. I ran from them. I muted them with alcohol. Etc, etc. etc.

In sobriety I have discovered the path to other side of my fears, runs directly them. When I face my fears, they turn out nothing like the boogie man I had built up in my mind. I also discover that I have way more strength than I give myself credit for.

I can face my fears and recover or I can let my fears paralyze me so that I remain in misery.

least

Reminds me of the two acronyms for FEAR. Face Everything And Recover or F--- Everything And Run.

Dee74

I didn't do anything about it - and things got worse and worse.

In the end the fear of not doing anything was worse than the fear of actually having to do something.

Don't wait too long like me - don;t let the fear paralyse you. Life after drinking is great

D

BeABetterMan

newhope01

Dee74

Fortunately in terms of alcoholism it's pretty simple.
Stop drinking - live life sober. Start solving problems sober instead of running away from them by drinking.

You'll start to see there's nothing to be afraid of - you might even start enjoying life again

How do you stop drinking?
I picked a day one and posted here as much as I needed to

D

August252015

BeABetterMan - great question/topic and one I have dealt with gradually over my sobriety.

To the "how to" - I have found (in my AA program) that rigorous honesty is key. Admitting that much of my alcoholic behavior was fear-based (that word comes up among the most times in the BB)- and that in sobriety, acknowledging current fears - literally writing them down, sometimes, or discussing them with another person- is very helpful to progress.

Right now, I'm struggling with higher anxiety than (even) usual and I believe it is somehow tied to fear- I've started seeing a weekly therapist to deal with the emotions that are surfacing here at almost 3.5 yrs.

As far as my mindset goes- repetition leads to "success" - which largely means calmness, acting not reacting, and "practicing the pause." It's hard to sort out and identify emotions in early sobriety, but for me having help (AA and other sources) has enabled me to mature in that ability.

You mention a program- what are you doing this time to make sobriety permanent?

And- least is always right about gratitude. My husband and I often call it "flipping it" - instead of stuff like "I can never have fun again bc I can't drink"
turns into "I get to find out what I really like doing now that I am sober" and so on.

Glad you are here.

tomsteve

great question! whether a person believes in the program of aa or not, the 4th step has a pretty good way of facing them. going throuh my life and writing out some inventories(resentments,fears, and sex) helped me learn what made me tick a d what i needed to change to be free. amazing how fear(s),insecurities, and low self esteem (plus other character defects)touched every aspect of my life.
if interested in chicking it out, its on pages 64-71 in the bb explains it

https://anonpress.org/bb/Page_64.htm

facing my fears was basically looking at them ,why i had them, how they affected me,and what i had to do to change.
it was one of the best things i have done for recovery.

Lucinda2

Yes, I relate to that.

I have been off and off so many times that I feel that there is an inevitability that I will drink again. I am early days [again, again, again] too so don't have any wise words. At the moment I am dealing with it by just continually reminding myself that this is the alcohol voice nudging me to fail, trying to trick me into picking up a drink. I mean, I might as well get on with it if I am going to drink again later anyway, right? But I think it is a cunning trick. So I keep trying to remind myself that if I can get long enough out the other side then that voice will get smaller and eventually hold no power. But like you, I find that hard to visualise. I think from what I have read around here I need to put some more work in.

I am not honest about my drinking at all. I pretend that it is all very middle-aged, very middle-classed, that I am drinking myself to death in a very middle-class way and it is just what everyone in my peer group does. And actually, they do. It is very normal in my world. But I know my friends well enough to understand that there is a difference between my drinking and theirs. I drink not only because I am addicted to alcohol but also because I am not very comfortable with life. And right there is where I need to start doing some work I think.

I know from past experience the longer I stay alcohol-free the more comfortable I get with life and the easier it becomes but there are still some demons and there is always my lack of honesty about that. I am never open even with my nearest and dearest about the lows. I have been toying with the idea of getting some kind of therapy for years but put it off.

So your honesty has helped me be honest and maybe this is how this thing is going to work differently this time. With us, both staying close to this forum and being honest.

You are already smashing it with the honesty there and as you said you are doing things differently this time, so different results.

mns1

I think the phrase “face your fears” can mean different things to different people.

To me, most fear is of what is unknown or uncertain. If what you are fearing is known to you, it’s likely right in front of you and you should probably run away...

The future is by its very nature uncertain, therefore many people fear it. I did for a long time. And I still do, but I no longer let that fear paralyze me.

One of the single best pieces of advice I’ve ever been given was to take action and trust that what I am doing will get me to where I want to be. I think that
basically meant facing my fear of the future.

The future can be like a mysterious road you’ve never gone down. Trust your ability to navigate it. And the best way to do that is sober. It’s like Dee said, you’ll start to see that there was nothing to be afraid of at all.

dpac414

Fear of relapse is very real, and I agree with what everyone has said so far.

I've found that one day at a time mantra has really helped alleviate that fear, because I don't have to worry about the future in terms of drinking right now. All I have to do is not drink for today. And if I do that, I'm okay. Each day makes a week, a month, a year, etc. Try not to get too caught up in what the future may hold. Keep working hard at recovery each day, and I think with time you will feel stronger and stronger.

And do what everyone else suggested too; smart group of folks here.

August, I love this. I'm going to use this whenever the AV starts complaining.

BackandScared

Thank you for opening this thread. Many of us have that fear I think and many of us relapse following the logic Lucinda has explained: if I am going to fail, what's the point?
Very good ideas here.
Loved the two acronyms for FEAR least. I might make a fridge magnet from them

thomas11

I've always thought that fear can be a great motivator. Its not ideal, but if one is truly fearful, they will likely tow the line. I did not fear sobriety, I feared what was in my future if I kept drinking. It didn't look good.

DayTrader

For me, fear was such a constant that I came to accept it as normal.... part of the human condition, or maybe just part of MY human condition. I heard things like Nike's old saying "just do it" and figured that was how I should deal with fear. Just do it anyway Michael. Round up some more motivation, create some courage, and just go do all those things that you've been too afraid to do up to this point.

For me, I've come to understand that message is complete crap. It didn't work then, doesn't work now and it's never been a reliable solution. I suppose in theory it's possible but if I could of "just done it" I would have done it and I wouldn't be so afraid of trying to do it now knowing in the back of my mind I'm facing another failure.

If someone told me I had to pass a test later today on astrophysics or I'd be shot and killed, I would naturally have a lot of fear. I can try the suggestion of facing that fear, take Nike's "Just Do It" line, and absorb a lot of other interesting yet hollow advice to walk into the fear and so forth......... but at the end of the day I'm know I'm going to fail that test and be shot to death.

What has the typical alkie's solution been? Well one would be to start studying like a maniac and try as harrrrrrrd as we can to absorb enough info to pass that test. Another "solution" would be to run away and hope that dude with the gun never finds us.

In the recovery I've learned to practice, I start with an admission that there's nothing I can do on my own to pass that test. Study all you want Michael, you'll never learn the entirety of astrophysics in a day - not well enough to stay alive anyway. The next part is the admission that I need help and taking steps to actually GET the help. And not just get help from anyone..... I need a specialist..... a Neil deGrasse Tyson type of assistance. If I can contact Neil, form a relationship with him and he's willing to help me with that astrophysics test, I'm golden.

As it relates to my alcoholism, I face a similar test. One that I, quite honestly, cannot pass. I don't have what it takes to keep myself sober, every second of every day, no matter what..... FOREVER. Yeah, it's one day at a time but I have to face that fact that I'll have this test every day I'm alive so I need an answer, a solution, that will work forever. On my own, of my own resources, well I don't have what it takes to pass every single test, every single day, forever. Alcoholism doesn't care if you're distracted by a death in the family, or having just lost a job, or because you just hit the Lotto and want to celebrate. In fact, it uses those types of things against me to get me to fail the test. With this type of "enemy" facing you, fear is to be expected. It's healthy.

Like the test example though, the reason for the fear isn't so much the challenge I have to face, it really results from me trying to face it on my own. Same with my alcoholism. Facing it on my own, with my own resources, with my own mind, with my own knowledge, resolve, and willpower........ FEAR is a normal and natural response. It's healthy. I haven't been up to the task of beating it for the past 5000 times so what would make me think this time will be any different?

I get it that for a lot of ppl, the fear is the problem. Deep down they can pass that test drinking again. They can through a force of will, not pick that drink up. They never forget to just say no. They're always on guard, no matter what and they know they can get a 100% score on that test every day for the rest of their life no matter what..... knowing their life is on the line.

For me, that fear is a road sign. It's a warning. It's a precursor to trouble ahead Michael. Now, I can do what so many ppl have advised me over the years and just face it, hoping for different results. Alternatively I can try to turn and run. My history has been neither of those ever worked, not for long anyway. Or I can look for a 3rd solution - some outside help.

My pride doesn't want to ask for help. My ego REALLY doesn't want to admit I need it and surely doesn't want to have to go about procuring it. And all the advice I've been getting tells me I can Just Do It. ........but deep down my healthy fear is warning me that I BETTER get some help, or else because Michael, you quite simply don't have what it takes to pass THIS test buddy - the stakes are too high (my life is on the line) and you're not foolish enough to ignore the past 1000 tests you've taken and failed to believe that suddenly you're ready for this one simply because you can convince yourself that you are.

August252015

Oh yeah! I should have said my version of some of the fear of the future comments above - "future tripping" is one of the best ways to live in fear. Some of y'all have probably heard a version "fear is worry over things that might never happen."

A healthy fear of relapse- perhaps differently worded as a caution retainer- is something I am digging into here at 3.5 yr. I didn't think I lived in any fear of literal relapse - and indeed phh-ed at the thought when someone brought it up in a meeting recently - but it actually struck a chord. Perhaps a fear of straying from my good emotional habits- or what will happen if I have back surgery hence the issue of pain meds and that trek to possible relapse arises- or....

None of that does me good today though, if it paralyzes me or prevents me from being present in this day.

sugarbear1

When I worked those steps, I found out that I lived in fear all my life. I found out how selfish I was, too. Revelations, for sure! I also found out the difference between rational and irrational fears. I learned other things about me, too.

Alcohol was my security blanket, my go to, my best friend, and it made me feel okay in my own skin.

Take it away and I need a new solution, which I found in those 12 steps. Amazing!

August252015

DT - nice job getting Nike and Neil deGrasse Tyson into a single and connected post

ImNotThatGuy

Fear is a useful emotion when it's legitimate. We have fear for a reason. If you just climbed out of the trees onto the grassy savanna, you'd better be fearful when you see that hungry lion. We've evolved to have fear for a reason.

Relapse is that hungry lion, and it's a legitimate fear. Heeding that fear will keep you alive.

The thing is, nowadays we have few legitimate reasons for fear, but we fear anyway. That's a waste of energy.

Another thing about fear is that its flip side is courage. It's easy to transform fear into courage once you get the hang of it. You definitely need not fear a DUI, for example, if you stay sober so be courageous about that.

Best of luck.