ironwill

Had a great talk with my AW on Sunday night. It started off with her asking me "if I loved her" . I responded with all my heart. She has always thought she is unworthy of love. I told her she has had a tough life before she meet me almost 20 years ago (19 1/2 years married). First husband cheated, drank, and was very abusive to her and her parents were not much help at the time. This lead to us talking about the AA Steps and how it's going to change her. She has always been one to go and over analyze every scenario that might happen. So she said that what if i don't love you when I finish this journey to finding peace in my mind. That led to "promise me that you won't hate me". I told her I could never hate you and promised her that. I also told her if it came down to that scenario I would not go down with out a fight. I love you too much. We laughed and she said what if i just needed to get away from it all. I told her she better bring me along, cause your not leaving me with 5 kids, 2 dogs and 4 cats. We laughed again. We were having a great conversation, her mind was just going to extremes as usual. I said these are just a few scenarios anything can happen. Completing all your steps is a long way always. We have no clue on how things will turn out. As long as we keep talking and supporting each other it should be ok. We have to take it just one day at a time and not speculate on what we don't know. She agreed and started crying that I'm her best friend and love of her life. She doesn't want to lose me, but is also scared for what the future brings. I told her the first step is to get you to the point where you don't think about having Alcohol. That has always been my main goal once I was on board with her problem. Then I said we can focus on getting you this peace that she sees in other people that have completed the steps, so you don't over analyze everything and find a balance on family and the peace that you are looking for. She agreed, cried a little more we both said we loved each other and I held her until she felt better . Then went to bed early.

6 Hours latter I wake up crying. In the last 30 years I have only cried 2 other times. Once when I found out my father passed away and once for when my dog passed away. I have never been a very emotional guy. I lay there for a bit and realize I'm crying do to the fact my AW scenario of her saying she might not love me anymore. I keep telling my self that is only one in a million scenarios and we don't know what the future brings. I know she loves me. She wakes and wonders what is wrong and I tell her. She comforts me in saying that it was only one extreme scenario and we don't know what the future holds and that she loves me greatly. I say i know, but it's one of the most powerful emotions I have ever had and hard to get out of my mind. Why did it take my concise mind 6 hours to process it and react to it. We talk for little while. She goes back to sleep and I think for a while (nearly till I had to get up in the morning). She wakes and I tell her that I'm proud of the courage and strength she had to get help for her disease and venture out of her comfort zone on the stuff she has done in the past year. I tell her I realize now I need to get help. Something vary hard for me to say. I hardly ever ask for help for anything. I need to fix myself for me first. Once that is done i can work on strengthening my marriage. If i don't fix myself like she is fixing herself it might go in the wrong direction. I'm presently looking for an AL-ANON meeting to go to that works with my schedule. I realize now i need this. I had been dragging my feet thinking maybe i do, maybe i don't. I DO. She also agree that it will help me become a better person with better understanding of things. It will also get me out and meeting other people who have gone tough this before. Sorry for the long post. I just need to get it out.

hopeful4

This is all very good stuff!

Accepting the one moment at a time was/is always the hardest for me too. I have been a controlling person in my life and wanted to control the future as well. That's not possible.

I did just the same thing. I realized that I had to prepare myself to be the best person I can be and be able to handle whatever the future holds for me. That my kids deserve the best me as well. So, I went to therapy. I had to go seek a therapist that is familiar with addiction and how that affects families and spouses.

I went alone to get through my own issues. The focus was on me, not my then AH. It was for me to become well emotionally. It's the best money and time investment I have ever made, except therapy for my children, that was the absolute best investment I have ever made.

I also attended Celebrate Recovery which is similar to Alanon and also helped me through some very dark days.

It's a matter of getting all of your tools in your toolbox together and utilizing them, often.

FallenAngelina

I'm quite active in the recovery community and will say that the only thriving couples I know of are couples in which both partners are active in wellness/recovery programs. Leaving it for just one to "fix things" seems to make for a rough road, whether the couple remains involved or not. I can appreciate the Moment for you when you let yourself cry and open up to the idea that you also need to get better. There is a world of wonderful people out there who are willing and able to walk beside you. Lots of options and good things ahead.

dandylion

ironwill…...good that you have an open and willing mind. I suggest that, if you have any alcoholics in your own family of origin...or any dysfunction in your family of origin...that you look into "Adult Children of Alcoholics"..(ACOA) as well as alanon….ACOA is for dysfunction as well as alcohol in the family.
You can get their Big Book and their literature on amazon.com. there is a lot to choose from.....
It is not incompatable with alanon….

ironwill

Thanks everyone for your replies. I should be going to my first alanon meeting next week. I just missed the one that is close to me for this week. I'm nervous about going and also speaking up. Talked to my AW about as I was taken her to her AA meeting last night. She had a busy day driving around and had asked me if I could driver her. I told her no problem. She is also like me an a introvert. She was also nervous. She has attended, but not spoken up. That is how she is. Once she has a few more meeting under her belt she usually opens up more. She also is part of an online AA group that has helped her greatly. She attends those meeting almost daily and has found an online sponsor. The sponsor she has is great and is very thorough. Someone I would want to help me through the steps. I don't press for any details about what they discuss. This is her journey not mine. She has openly told me allot of the things that the sponsor makes her do and about them. I can tell from the things she has said that she found a good sponsor to help her through the steps. She is working on step 4 at the present. I know step 4 is take a inventory of your regrets. I have heard that this can be a tough one. Does anyone have any insight to how step 4 changed their significant other if at all. Once again thanks for comments. They have meant allot to me.

hopeful4

I think it's great that you are going to go to Alanon. I also think it's great she is getting support be that online, meetings, whatever.

I myself did a 12 step for Codependency. It was an amazing journey. I sort of got stuck on step 4 because I was really dreading it. For myself, it changed me in that I became very quick to admit my faults and very open about things in the effort to not hurt others or myself in the future. I became much more quick to say I am sorry and to own up to my own behavior. This is necessary as in my own life, I go through step 4 over and over because I want to keep that slate clean.