hopeful4

Good Moring to my SR friends. This is off topic, but I talk about self care so much that I guess I need to take a look at my own.

Of late I have not been feeling really great. I have pain in my back that radiates to my side, almost like my ribs are hurting with my back. I know it sounds odd, and I thought it was simply a pulled muscle in my back or something of that nature. I am not so sure and need to get it checked out if it continues. I need to focus more on losing weight, I know that will help everything as well.

I also have just been feeling blah. This happens a lot of me in the summer. To be honest, I think I have summer envy of many of my friends. I see everyone going on vacations and doing all of these lovely things that I as a single mom simply cannot afford. It's not so much that though. I feel burned out at my job. I don't want to work. It's not my job. I like it. I work in a nice place with nice people. I don't want to go to any job. I feel I live for the weekends and am always looking to see what off time I have coming up.

It's about to get busy with school, sports, etc. Really busy. Maybe that will be a good thing, I don't know. Time will tell. I have missed the other parents that we hang out with during sports and school.

I don't even know why I am writing this except to be self accountable in realizing what I am feeling and owning that. I am embarrassed even to say these things because I try to really look at life in the big picture and things that really matter. It's not depression, and it does not feel like anxiety either. I don't know how to label it.. and I am a labeler LOL. I also try to be a grateful person. I am so blessed to be a US citizen, to have a good job, wonderful children, a roof over my head, a wonderful school and church, good friends and family.

I am just not sure why these feelings have overcome me and it's not a good feeling.

SparkleKitty

Hey Hopeful.

All this sounds super-normal, you know?

For your back pain, instead of guessing, just go to the doctor. Take that worry off your mental plate and put it in the hands of a professional.

I know getting away is expensive. What about a staycation? Do you have any vacation time to spare?

I love what you write about trying to be a grateful person and you ARE. You don't have to be 100% grateful every second of the day, though, you know? You can be a bit a fussy about how busy life is and you can be selfish about taking time for yourself. And you can always come here to vent about stuff. You are a real giver. It's okay to take. The world balances itself.

Mango212

Hi hopeful,

Keeping an awareness of this may also be helpful:

My father has Alzheimers and it's worsening which has put a lot of stress on our family.


.

hopeful4

Thank you Sparkle. I am being fussy, that's a great word for it LOL! I am actually going through my time right now to figure out what I have scheduled for the rest of the year and when the gaps are so I can schedule my remaining time off. I am going to try to fit in a staycation, that sounds wonderful.

I think I have enough time to fill in the gaps with a day here and a day there to break it up. That will help. The one main benefit to my job is they are very generous with time off, and super easy to work with scheduling. It's a real blessing.

I think part of it is that I focus so much on my kids and my family and everyone that I realize I need a day or two for myself. I am going to have to make that happen.

Yes Mango, that is part of my stress as well. However, right now, it's more guilt than anything else. I don't go see him as much as I should or could. He does not respond at all so I feel like I am just visiting the other folks there. I go when my mom is there only, and only now and then (he is in a memory care home, it's a very nice one). I do everything I can to support my mom who I am very, very close to. She understands all of this but that does not stop the guilt.

Thank you for letting me vent.

FireSprite

Emotional pain gets trapped in our bodies and guilt often evidences in mid-back pain. Is that where your current pain originates?

We recently dubbed our house "Sanctuary-(insert last name here)" and when we can't travel or get away as often as we'd like, we sink into the groove of just enjoying our home without focusing on the chores & tasks. We put bird & squirrel feeders in the yard & I can sit there for a solid hour just watching them come & go & play. That connection to nature has become invaluable to me. Don't forget about small pleasures like this making a big difference!

Also - if I remember, your youngest is about my DD's age? 13/14/15 now? Her burgeoning independence might be giving you the tingles of your own re-independence as she keeps baby-stepping into a more active life of her own? I have been seriously introspecting on this because my DD leaves for nearly a month every summer & is looking at 7-8 wks away next year. It really shows me how much of my time I'm about to get back for My Life when she flies away to college very soon. It's daunting & exciting & terrifying. I want to cheer & throw up at the same time.

Maybe you're starting to feel the edges of something like this, rumbling under the surface? Just a thought!

LifeRecovery

Off and on last year I had this muscular right back discomfort.

It was worse when I got a good nights sleep, and would be better when I moved.

I got rid of my bed, I increased activity. I had body work done on it. It was annoying and I thought I was getting old and just may need to live with it for the rest of my life. It would improve and then reappear.

Then I got a whammo of a remembering. In the midst of everything hitting the fan for me in my life I had gotten a massage and that evening almost got into a car accident when another car swung into my lane of traffic. The next morning I woke up with my first and only back ache. I had been so relaxed and then so tight when I slammed on the brake that my back locked around it.

It was the summer my ex and I were splitting up but I did not know it at the time. In retrospect he was mean to me about this physical hurt and was not in a place he could emotionally tend to any of my needs.

8-9 years later I was finally able to have enough healing that I could be with that discomfort. I got to live it again until I could process it and move through it.

Do I think I was consciously making myself sick, absolutely not. I do think though that my body knew I was in a safe spot to work on a long-held belief so I could feel better.

In other words I am taking your experience as healing old stuff, which sometimes means we feel yucky first, then better.

hopeful4

Interesting stuff friends.

FS, yes, my DD is around that age and certainly changes will be happening. Honestly, I am good with my kids and where they are right now. I don't think it's that, but ask me this in another 6 months and it may be a different answer! And yes, my back pain is mid back pain, right side.

I do have a lot of emotional baggage that I am always trying to work through. It's a lot. A not so great coparenting situation, a father with alzheimers and a family working through that, the general stress of having a teen and a young adult as children, I just filed Chapter 13....I guess I can see how this is normal stressors to work though.

Honestly though, more than those things is the work issue. I just don't want to work and I am not normally this unmotivated person. I think I need a sabbatical but that's not happening.

I will continue to work through all of this. If the back issue does not get better, I will see a doctor.

Of course and as always, I appreciate all of my SR friends for helping me though.

Amaranth

Sorry you are feeling the "summertime blues"

but please go to the doctor. The pain is niggling at you, maybe your body is trying to tell you something. I don't want to be alarmist, because it could be nothing. I had some slight symptoms last summer. I was in no way ill, I was in peak physical condition. My friend marched me to the doctor in the end. Turns out it was ovarian cancer and I am very lucky to be here typing this post today.

Please listen to your body. What harm can a trip to the doctor do, even if it turns out to be nothing?

atalose

The hardest emotion I had to deal with was the guilt when we had to put my dad into a facility when his Alzheimer’s became dangerous for him. My guilt was the result of my thinking I failed him and didn’t do enough. My thinking was because I used the (toxic) words never and always when talking about caring for my aging parents. Pretty much my whole life I was like, I will always take care of them, I would never place them in a home/facility. My guilt was NOT rooted in reality but more of a fantasy I told myself and when reality erased my fantasy I felt I had somehow failed. I had to change the conversations I was having with myself, had to stop making it about me and my feelings and focus on the facts and reality that my dad was safe, he was free of pain and worry and he was content and cared for 24/7 what more could I have asked for.

This is the RX that you need my friend. Time for JUST you to do whatever it is you want, not what you think everyone else wants or needs from you but what you want and need from yourself.

FireSprite

Is it possible you're just bored & unchallenged at work?

I have major issues with this - I love the people I work for/with, love the freedom & "job" itself, but it's not my passion & doesn't excite me & sometimes it just feels like I'm just killing time until I get to go Live My Life after hours.

Do you have any hobbies or passions?

hopeful4

Yes, it's possible I am bored at work too. However, I have a good gig, I am no fool to walk away from it at this time. And of the positions available, I have a really good one.

It's a feeling that I just don't really want to deal with any of it. Not surprising as I am sure tons of people feel this way. I feel so ungrateful just typing that.

I have worked since I was 12 years old. No one has ever "taken care of me." Even when I was married, I was responsible for everything. I tolerated that so it's my own fault. That being said, I think I am just tired. I need a block of consistant time off (meaning a couple of months) and that's just not in the cards.

Yes looking back, it's been a rough year. Atalose....it was so hard to have these changes happen with my father and I have spent a great amount of time questioning everything we did for the past 15 years in his care. It produces a lot of guilt and questioning of yourself no matter what. It also makes me fear my own future, that's always in my head as well.

Ariesagain

I personally believe that summer is wildly overrated and August is the worst of the worst. It’s hot, it’s sweaty, everything smells funky, it’s hard to sleep, nature is either drowning in humidity or parched in drought, the bugs are out...and what’s even worse, we’re supposed to think it’s all great.

Personally, I live for the first wool sock-wearing rainy week of September.

But that’s me.

First thought...is your computer at some angle where you have to turn your shoulders toward it? Is it a laptop? I spent six months at a chiropractor because I couldn’t turn my head thanks to nine hours a day hunched over to my left. I looked like Quasimodo.

But seriously, get it checked out. You didn’t say which side it’s on, but radiating pain needs to be evaluated. Women have strange symptoms for things. Honor your own instincts, yes?

Sending you a hug.

hopeful4

Yes! I am the worst computer slumper ever!!!!

I will take all the hugs I can get, thank you!

Ariesagain

Maybe a more ergonomic set up could help? There are loads of articles out there on how to address that. And if your job is causing your pain, subconsciously you may not to want be there?

Have another hug!

hopeful4

Yes! I know that the stand up desks have become much more economical, I may look into one of those and some other options. Thanks for the suggestion! I am getting ready to get a new work computer, it may be an excellent time to switch some things up!

Sending big hugs back!

Sasha1972

You’ve got plenty of stressors - and sometimes stress can manifest itself in apathy and boredom because you just don’t have the energy to appreciate the good things in life. It sounds like you have it in perspectives (could be a whole lot worse ...), so this phase may jut be something you have to ride through until your energy returns.

I totally get the single-mother-envy thing. I make a good income in a profession that I like and am proud of - but I also work with a lot of people who are either making TWO good incomes, or have no financial dependents, and the next person who complains to me about how they “only” took TWO WEEKS vacation this summer, when I’ve only had four days off in a year, plus this summer dealing with all forms of fallout from suddenly dead ex and trying to help grieving teen ... it’s easy to fall into poor-me thinking - that’s one of my biggest challenges, when I also have a lot of advantages and privileges.

For me, exercise does wonders. I know everybody will be preaching at you to be more active, especially if you’re trying to lose weight, but it does make such a big difference in my mood if I’ve been able to run or bike consistently. Sometimes it takes a couple of days for the benefit to show up, but it’s there.

Also, go see a doctor about your back pain! That’s what doctors are for!

Seren

Please....please go see your doctor

Mango212

Hi hopeful,

I'm finding YouTube 'self-counseling' via professional therapists to be very helpful in addition to my other support and therapy.

Simply hearing awareness and skills in audio about things that resonate with me is valuable. This evening I stopped at a beautiful rest stop with great landscaping. Laying next to a Colorado blue spruce, I listened to this:

Dysfunctional families: how to deal with scapegoating and projection.
https://youtu.be/fN-zs7HMF1Q

Less than 10 minutes to "fill my cup", as a victim's advocate/psychologist-in-schooling keeps reminding me.

I used to feel these were hard things to do: stopping, taking time for myself, facing crappy family stuff. Now that's shifted greatly. Now they become an opportunity to "fill my cup". It feels good.

How are you doing today?

Mango212

I've been noticing spruce a lot this week. Here's one interpretation I really like. Take what you like and leave this rest!

hopeful4

Mango, I had no idea such a thing existed on You Tube! I will look into it, thank you for sharing!

Today I am a little frustrated but nothing too bad. I am having some appointment issues for my DD's immunizations which should be very simple but for some reason around here is not. Nothing too serious, and I have a solution already.

It's just really busy today from sun up until sun down and I don't do well like that. I will have to find some time to relax in there. And my sister decided she is staying with me tonight and wants to hang out with my girls tomorrow. I love this, it's just not the best timing in the world. She means well though, and I will enjoy her company.

I am going to keep an eye out for Spruce!

I hope you are doing well today Mango! Many hugs!