Tetrax

So I'm over three months sober, and AA meetings and the support I've received there have been a big part of that. But I just can't bring myself to believe in the 12 steps, and the notion of having a sponsor. Most of the shares are to do with this (understandably, it is their programme), but nowadays I tend to tune out at these times. However, I will always at some point hear something in the meeting I can relate to and that is of help to me. I also feel I'm helping the (admittedly few) other newcomers by being there, staying sober and through us sharing this experience. But I do feel a bit like the naughty kid not doing his homework. I thus share less and less, and am unsure of my future with it all.

Anyone feel (or ever felt) similar?

Anna

Those sound like good reasons to attend AA meetings, Tetrax. But, if you get to a point where those things are no longer true, then maybe it will be time to move on. The main thing, of course, is to stay sober.

48heath

Three months is a very short time,stick with it and in time you will probably want to get a sponsor and work through the programme with them.

Nothing in AA is compulsory,don’t let your head talk you out of staying away from meetingsIt’s tough doing it alone.

I got a sponsor straight away,but the steps were a mystery to me for almost a year.

Wishing you well.

Zucc36

I went through something very similar my first couple of months. Asked someone to be a sponser that wasn't a good fit, and just went through the motions. It did keep me from drinking, but barely. I thanked my sponser and told him I was going to change things. I kept trying other meetings and found a home group, that felt like a "home". Took my time to pick a sponser who I really connect with and lives the kind of life I want. So I guess what Im trying to say, is if possible explore as many meetings as you can. Eventually something will probably feel right. I really didn't see myself buying into the program and the steps, but now it helps me live a happier and more honest life.

least

I went to meetings the first year I was sober, but never got a sponsor or worked the steps. No one ever asked me about it.

I'd also say that the main thing is to stay sober, no matter how you're doing that.

lessgravity

It didn't take long for me to know that I wasn't going to walk the full AA path. There are other options and ways to aid in your sobriety. As Anna said, the main thing is to stay sober. Have you looked into Rational Recovery or AVRT? Congrats on your sober time though, terrific stuff.

Misssy2

Hey. There are people in AA that say you have to do the steps or you will never STAY sober or you will be a "dry" sober person. Those people...have STRONG beliefs in what they say....same thing with the sponser.

The last guy I dated..NEVER did the 12 steps....NEVER had a Sponsor and he has been sober now for about 30 years...…

If you GET something from the program than keep going...because like you said..(not these words) but it saved your LIFE.

You just have to be confident in the fact THIS is working for you right now JUST the way you are doing it....

Don't feel awkward...your not "unique".....but there are more people in AA that will tell you that you HAVE to do these things to stay sober...but there ARE ALSO people who "Just SHOW UP" and stay sober too.....I know a few of them.....

If someone personally approaches you and starts an AA lecture...Just smile and say "I'm here" and that is all I have to do for ME right this minute....You can use that line for 20 years if you want and still stay sober...

Don't let the CULT mentality run you away from something that is working.
I don't.

SoberRican

The Way I look at it is . its different strokes for different folks. I dont attend AA or any of that. Dont get me wrong. They are on point with what they share and stuff. Just like the blue book I have read that book many times and I always find something else to high light that pertains to me. Like some folks here say .do what works. .for me its being here. Listening to AA speakers on you tube. Reading recovery books. And other recovery related things. . I do have a better and and close relationship with my higher power. Super plus. Also a good support group my family. And hey I am at 93 days today. So I am going to keep doing what I'm doing. If it aint broke dont fix it. And with that I'll keep coming back.

Dee74

We all have different experiences - sometimes markedly different experiences, of the same thing.

Please remember others may not share your beliefs so please share your experience in a respectful way.

Throwing loaded terms like 'cult' around is not helpful to the discussion and often gets threads closed down, like another thread was today.

Dee
Administrator
SR

dpac414

I'm in the same boat. I don't want to get a sponsor and have a non-qualified stranger lead me through steps that I can safely and confidentially go through with my therapist. The idea of it just makes me uncomfortable. (to be clear, not knocking AA at all as it has been instrumental in me being sober today).

However, I agree with Anna in that if you find any help from the meetings, then I would keep going. Part of the reason I keep going is because I like the people there, I can relate to them over something I have told very few people, and it's part of my routine that reminds me every week why I have to stay sober. That's also why I check in here every day and join the weekenders, even if I'm not feeling like chatting or participating.

I don't know. How many are you going to? Maybe you can pick one a week that you like the most and see how that makes you feel. I think if you still have a good plan and support if you decide to stop going to AA, then it would be okay to take some time away. But you cannot just stop working on recovery (don't think you're gonna do that, but just a reminder).

AA can just be a tool in your overall plan, not the entire thing. I think it's okay to consistently reevaluate what works and what doesn't as long as you are not sabotaging your sobriety.

DriGuy

Yes, very similar, especially in regards to...

SPONSORS: I eventually got one, although I felt like I could share anything in a meeting that I would with a sponsor and get all the feedback I needed there. But some guy told me I needed one, and since I wasn't adverse to the idea, I got one. My sponsor was not pushy, allowed me to pursue sobriety in my own way, and of all the people I met in AA, he did become my closest friend, but he would have been that regardless of his sponsorship. It's probably a good idea for some, but it wasn't a critical issue for me to have a sponsor.

12 STEPS: The only thing that bothered me about the steps was that so much of it was tied to the mystical. For believers, I think they can gain confidence from the extra push they believe they get from a higher power, and I'm fine with that. The 12 steps with the higher power connections removed do offer a useful primer in making your life better, and I ran through them, sometimes lingering awhile in places, but moving on quickly when it was something I had been incorporating into my life already. In fact, I had been doing all of them in my own way more or less already, but the effort did provide a useful review. I see the 12 steps as a good introduction to personal growth, but there is so much to learn beyond them about making your life better. And those surprising tidbits that we stumble on by ourselves, or pick up from others, make a very big difference.

PICKING UP INFORMATION IN MEETINGS: This is where I learned the most. There is a wealth of information in the group, which is the advantage of a group, and every so often something will jump out and make you take a closer look and try out something entirely new. Sometimes it's just informational, rather than insightful, but any kind of learning was always welcomed.

FEELING LIKE A NAUGHTY KID: I did kind of feel like a rebel at times for not buying the program lock, stock, and barrel. I felt even more like a rebel for announcing that "I wasn't doing my homework," (that's not quite true, however) and I did think about that a lot, because I didn't want to harm myself by intentionally disregarding what I should be doing out of shear stubbornness. In my defense, I was doing my own "homework," not necessarily according to the exact plan, but also things that I needed to take care of that weren't in the steps, and I was downright "religious" about working on getting better. But if you watch the group closely, you will notice that some of the BB thumpers disregard some AA principles too, some that you may view as seriously important in personal growth. You may be way less naughty or rebellious than you think or as you may appear.

HOWEVER: I found so much joy in sobriety that I felt like I had to share that in the group. I encountered some challenges, and I shared those too, but mostly after I had solved them when I could explain how I used a skill I had picked up in AA to take care of the issue. After years and years, it was time for me to leave, and I noticed that I had less and less to share. It was an unannounced and quiet separation. I just stopped showing up, and that was that.

But I have never gotten tired of sobriety, and I do have a very close friend who has been sober as long as I have, and we talk about the paths we used to get where we are. He never attended one AA meeting, and he was a much worse drunk than I.

For what it's worth, he was shot in a gunfight when he was drunk. I don't actually know if that made him a worse drunk than me, or if he just hung out with a worse crowd, but the way he talks about his past, I'm sure his bottom was way lower than mine. So I've never been out of touch with recovery or contact with people recovering like me.

fini

Tetrax,
AA /BB very clearly states that its suggested solution is a spiritual one.
so there is really no surprise there.
and it is perfectly fine if you don’t want that solution and simply want the fellowship.
just don’t confuse the two and expect to get the results that are talked about without taking the suggested steps.

sugarbear1

why not just try working those steps? what could it hurt?

2muchpain

I was very much in the same situation you described. When I first started going to meetings, I got a sponsor and did some work on the 12 steps. For several reasons, I could not connect with a lot of what people say you need to do stay sober. Eventually, I just decided to attend the meetings cause I was getting a lot out of them. I rarely shared. I learned a lot just listening to other people at the meetings. I was able to work some of the 12 steps into my plan to stay sober that I understood and worked for me.
Besides, I noticed that it's almost the same people that share. I got the most out of the people that rarely shared but when they did, I could relate to it. Many of the people at the meetings I went to never shared, so you are not alone in how you deal with the meetings. Many probable are doing the same thing you are doing. I say keep going if it helps you stay sober. John

Deserto

Isn't this putting the cart before the horse, though? You don't have to believe (or even decide whether you believe) in the steps before you do them.

It's a bit like going to Ikea and coming home and putting the flat container down and pulling out the instructions and saying, "I don't believe these flat panels are going to create a cabinet."

Whether you believe it or not at the outset has little bearing on what is likely to be produced if you follow the instructions (diligently, and honestly).

You certainly don't have to do them, of course. But there are lots of things we don't believe in until we do them. It's a paradox, but you have to be open minded to conviction, and avoid "contempt prior to investigation," as they say in AA.

Good luck, whatever you decide, and congrats on three months!

DontRemember

Coming up on 3yrs'ish in Nov, with a bit of court ordered AA mixed in.. if ya don't like going to AA.. what are going to do? I no longer go and still see how it's beneficial,if the person is willing,but could never see myself as a daily member..not my thing.. figure out what works for you and work it.. daily.

sidenote; the whole take what you want/need and leave the rest.

neferkamichael

Tetrax, 3 months sober is just FANTASTIC, congratulations. Same for me concerning AA. I've never been one who can follow some absolute strict rules to obey. But in defense of AA, plenty of people have stayed sober because of it. I prefer the environment of SoberRecovery, it's way more open and personnel. Rootin for ya.

kinzoku

Well I'm not too sure what to say about AA, but 3 months has sure flown by.

I recall very well your posts struggling 3 months ago and the back and forth.

I am so glad to hear of your success. If AA is a part of that, perhaps the naughty kid should still attend.

tomsteve

ditto.
there are a lot of things i didnt believe would work/help until i tried them.
when diagnosed stage 3 melanoma, i didnt believe the chemo would help but still went through it. it helped and here i am 12 years later.
i honestly didnt belive the steps would help but still went through them. it sure couldnt hurt to try em and i didnt have anything to lose.
here i am 14+ years later still sober with a pretty decent life.

PalmerSage

Deserto, that's a really interesting analogy that I hadn't considered before!

I've attended AA meetings during past attempts to quit drinking, and could definitely see the value in the fellowship and some of the comments, even though I never went down the full path of working the steps with a sponsor. Reading the stories in the big book were also extremely beneficial, and helped me realize (as a mostly secret drinker) that I wasn't alone, and that I had a long way to fall if I wanted to keep moving in the same downward direction.

As others have pointed out, the method isn't necessarily the important part, as various strategies have worked for people - different strokes and all that. However, you might want to pay attention to where your resitance is coming from (ensuring that it's not your AV conflating AA with recovery and deciding the whole thing is "not for you," for example). If you can honestly check your motivation and make a choice to follow another plan, I say go for it, as long as there's another plan.