overforty

I've been here a couple of times before.
I've been in an altered state nearly every day since my teens with a few attempts at sobriety.
I'm on day 4 - I feel better - a little dizzy, foggy, headachey and anxious but better.
This time I don't feel like drinking, I'm not really craving it
( yet )
I'm more worried about having to face reality.
I don't want reality every day.
I want to be able to check out every once in a while - but I know I cant do it, moderate etc ..
It's all or nothing - I feel like having a funeral for my sense of humour - it's gone.
In my bouts of sobriety over the years my sense of humour left and only came back with a bottle of wine or a joint or ...etc ..
I'm going back to work today after taking a detox holiday.
I'm dreading it!
If this is my new reality then I'm not sure I want it.
Anyway I'm rambling - I'm not sure what I'm trying to say here.
Ij just want to be Happy

C0ntr0ls

Welcome back.
Take one day at a time or one min at a time. I know that may sound blah blah blah but I really believe it because it DOES get better and YOU will be happier as the days add up.

Dee74

Hi and welcome back overforty

For years I had this fear of being straight where I 'd never get any respite, I'f have no fun, and life without something to take the edge off would be an an unending ordeal.

To be told, it's not like that at all. I had no idea how capable I was until I quit getting high and drinking.

I can solve any problem now - sometimes quickly and sometime not, but I never feel the need to check out...but at the same time I know now the importance of balance - I can find healthy positive ways to relax.

I have a busy social life (much more than my drinking social life) and my life is filled with fun things to do and people to share those fun times with

Give recovery a shot - I reckon it will surprise you as much as it surprised me

D

BackandScared

overforty... what does it mean for you to be 'happy'? What high are you after? I have been reflecting on the happiest memories. They are certainly not related to alcohol. For instance:
1. Spending a month alone working with my father (in my 20s) coming home each evening to eat unhealthy food because my health-obsessed mum was not around and could not be bothered to cook. Finishing a 50,000 puzzle together in the evenings. He framed it.
2. Going into freezing cold water as a child in summer in the mountains in Spain. Getting out of the water feeling very cold and lying on super hot stones with my body extended as a starfish: feeling the goosebumps on my skin and the heat on my back and the sun on my face.
3. The first time my now husband looked intensely into my eyes...

I could keep going. None of those had anything to do with alcohol. They were all great highs. Some of my greatest memories are linked to me drinking but were not because of the drinking.

It has helped me a lot to reflect on my 'happy' times. Perhaps your sense of humour is actually much sharper when you are sober. Or your assessment skills re your sense of humour much less sharp when you are drunk.

I am sure there are many highs waiting for me out there, once I can really feel/smell/taste/hear and touch them fully.

Misssy2

Hi there..if you have not been sober since your teens...than you don't even KNOW what you could be like sober.

I found out I was a whole bunch of things sober that were better than when I was drunk...

I do believe you will be surprised that you will have all the things you had when you were drinking but even better experiences.

I do believe your sense of humor will return
I do believe when the fog clears your anxiety will be less
I do believe as you continue on this path of sobriety you will gain a more positive outlook.
I do believe you are just fearful of what life is like without being numb.

I do believe if you give sobriety a chance you will really be surprised at the person that is underneath the shield of alcohol.

I also believe you decided to quit for good reasons whatever they may be...So if you stick to not drinking...I do believe in another few days you will start focusing or seeing more of the benefits....

I'm cheering you on over here.

SoberRican

Good morning yes like some folks said give sobriety a try. You know the saying .dont knock it till you try it. Its a process you got to crawl before you walk. Look you aint missing nothing with booze. Thats all garbage the saying that its no fun without it. Thats BULL! Its awesome without it. You just have to get over the hump of xleaning the poison out. Then things will get better. I promise you. Keep coming back

doggonecarl

When I was a teenager my dad sat me down and asked me what I want to do with my life, what did I want to be? I told him, "I just want to be happy."

He looked at me incredulously. Life isn't about being happy all the time, he told me. But I was determined, in some warped misunderstood Buddhist-like mindset, to make happiness my goal.

And when I discovered drugs, I decided I had found it.

Forty-five years later, clean and sober, I now understand my dad's incredulity at someone saying they just want to be happy. Life isn't like that. There are many happy moments, many moments of incredible joy. But life is often hard, and bitter, and filled with challenges and despair. I wanted to bypass the hard times and tough emotions, and drugs--and later drink--was the short cut to being happy.

What a cruel lie I was telling myself. Being high and drunk, I was really cheating myself from the full spectrum of living. I was making my addiction happy, but making myself miserable.

I see things differently now, entering my ninth year of recovery. We all deserve happiness. But we aren't going to get it all the time. On the other hand, we don't deserve to be miserable all the time. Most living is done between those two poles. Sobriety has allowed me to experience it. Recovery has given me the wisdom to deal with the unhappy times and relish the "happy" times because they truly are much rarer than I thought they'd be when I was 17.

I wish you the best. If you stay on the path of recovery I have no doubt you will experience much happiness in your life, as well as every other emotion and feeling, good and bad. And with new eyes. It's wonderful. Good luck.

BackandScared

Great post; I particularly like sentence above

entropy1964

I think the reality that I struggle with is the one where I obsess about things I can't control. Or the past. Or fear of the future. When I focus on my actions and reactions and let the stuff I can't control go, my reality is less uncomfortable. Learning this takes time however.

If your sense of humor takes a back seat to redefining reality and finding contentment, that seems a small price to pay. It will return in time. And if your sense of humor only enjoys an intoxicated state, maybe that wasn't your real humor after all. Can take some time to find a new base line.

Hang in there.

DriGuy

You can "check out" of reality. I do all the time with movies like Marvel superheroes, romantic comedies, or Star Trek, and I embrace the check out fully. Alcohol is more like "checking in" to a skid row hotel with bed bugs and a shared bath down the hall.

WinterCamper

I definitely see signs of a sober sense of humor in there too. Wait for it. Be patient. I wouldn't give yourself too much credit for being Richard Pryor when you were drunk either. I'll bet if you ask around some folks found you an obnoxious drunk a&&hole and not funny in the least. But that person is gone now. The calm, humble, self-deprecating, truly funny person is now here for good. Welcome back to SR.

MLD51

When I was in early sobriety I was convinced my happy was broken and could never be repaired. I was afraid I'd never laugh or have a sense of humor again. I thought my sober life was going to be dry, colorless, humorless. Just a never-ending slog. I was resigned to that, because the way my drinking was going, it was either that or be 100% miserable all day every day, and probably die an early and painful death.

I was wrong about all of it. I'm going to get a little scientific for a minute. When we constantly alter our moods with alcohol or drugs, for years and years, we mess up the dopamine receptors in our brains. We need more and more alcohol or drugs to "feel good" as time goes on. And eventually it pretty much stops working at all. So it stands to reason that after we quit the substances, it takes time for those receptors to work properly again, leaving us feeling like we will never be happy again. For me, that lasted quite some time. I felt flat and depressed - I was capable of feeling bad and sad, but I just couldn't seem to feel good about much. I stuck with it, though, because I intellectually knew it was a brain thing that would get better.

This is a very simplified explanation. There are all sorts of really detailed articles out there about this - if you're interested, do a search and read more about it.

Anyhow - my point is that I got better. I have a better, sharper sense of humor than ever. I feel happy and joyful more than I have since I was a little kid. Life has much to offer - if we are awake and aware and paying attention. I don't have an exciting life - I'm like everyone else. I get up, go to work, take care of my kid, my house, my pets. I have a routine life, which always used to sound boring and stifling and unbearable to me when I was younger. But amazingly, I really enjoy it most of the time. I like being responsible, dependable, and stable. I have a lot of fun when it's time to have fun. Life is not a barrel of laughs, but it sure is better than being wasted all the time and surrounded by chaos, fear, and self-loathing.

PeacefulWater12

I came to realise that my "humour" when I was drunk was all based in nastiness. Nasty about other people mostly. Being snarky and critical thinking I was hilarious. Always at the cost of someone else.

In sobriety my humour has become soft and gentle, never nasty.

Much more enjoyable and funny.

You will be ok.

Fearlessat50

Hi overforty. I hope you are reading all these great responses!
I was wondering how long your previous bouts of sobriety lasted? Also wondering if you had other life circumstances during those times. I tried getting sober several times when I was going through a very challenging time dealing with special needs parenting. My sense of humor left me for years whether I was sober or drunk. I was a sad sad drunk I was trying to drink away my problems.

Anyway, life is much better now and my sense of humor is back. But I do still have life and parenting ups and downs, and during these times I can get very down. I guess I’m just trying to say that drinking or not, there will always be stressful times. But they will be less stressful and you will bounce back more quickly if you are sober. It took me several months almost a year of sustained sobriety to get myself back. I also find my sense of humor and what I find funny is a little different than it was when drinking. I recall finding inappropriate things funny when drinking and I also recall being sloppy happy, which I thought was funny and attractive to other people. I realize now that’s not the case. I’m glad my sense of humor has matured in sobriety, even if that makes me boring to some. I like myself much much better sober.

Like you, I also need a temporary escape. I think we all do. I have replaced drinking as my escape with healthier alternatives. I love long runs and meditation. I also enjoy reading and binging Netflix or Prime. I think we have to change how we view “escape”.

overforty

Thankyou for all your replies
its early days for me yet and I still feel bloody awful - which doesn't help!
I'm drinking herbal tea and watching Netflix which is a nice change.
I haven't laughed yet though.
I managed to fake it at work today which is a good sign that I'm being adult about it all
My goal is to stop isolating - I'm not ready yet - but hopefully as I feel better I'll make more of an effort.
No ....I'm not going to any groups lol.
SR is enough at the moment x