Feeling terrible today
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 223
Feeling terrible today
Hi all,
I have been feeling pretty terrible for several days. The divorce is final (waiting period is over so we are truly divorced). As of last week the custody order (daytime visits with sober link only) is final, so I am not scared for my kid anymore. Work is good. I finally started telling people including my XAH about my pregnancy. I decided last year I was still going to have another kid on my own because I have always truly been a single parent even when married and I wasn’t going to let the loss of a terrible marriage kill that dream for me.
I had to tell the ex eventually because if I didn’t he’d hear it from our 4 year old and I didn’t want her to have to be there while he flipped out. I emailed him. He was SUCH a bastard about it. No shock there. That was Friday and now it’s Wednesday.
My life is going where I want it and my kid is safe and maybe because the emergency is finally over I am crying every day and I am SO flipping angry. Thinking about him and what he did and continues to do to me (he was emotionally abuse aside from the booze and he takes the time of coparenting to try to make me feel like **** and to be cruel whenever he can). I never engage or tell him how much I hate him or anything. But it doesn’t roll off of me.
I am so angry and disappointed. My life is as good as I can hope for right now. It is about what I want for me. But I also feel like I have been robbed. Not really by alcohol because honestly emotional abusers aren’t made from booze. I wasn’t codependent, I was scared and trapped by a cruel and controlling person. I can point to what I did wrong- I picked him and I am not perfect- but I never tried to control him or force him to do anything, I just tried not to get in trouble and raise my kid with as little input as I could manage.
Some times I am grateful for the drinking because if he hadn’t nearly killed himself I have no idea how I’d have gotten out. And I knew I needed to so my kid would not think that was how love treated you.
Things are so much better. but this week I just feel like dog $hit on toast and I wanted to get it out where people understand.
I have been feeling pretty terrible for several days. The divorce is final (waiting period is over so we are truly divorced). As of last week the custody order (daytime visits with sober link only) is final, so I am not scared for my kid anymore. Work is good. I finally started telling people including my XAH about my pregnancy. I decided last year I was still going to have another kid on my own because I have always truly been a single parent even when married and I wasn’t going to let the loss of a terrible marriage kill that dream for me.
I had to tell the ex eventually because if I didn’t he’d hear it from our 4 year old and I didn’t want her to have to be there while he flipped out. I emailed him. He was SUCH a bastard about it. No shock there. That was Friday and now it’s Wednesday.
My life is going where I want it and my kid is safe and maybe because the emergency is finally over I am crying every day and I am SO flipping angry. Thinking about him and what he did and continues to do to me (he was emotionally abuse aside from the booze and he takes the time of coparenting to try to make me feel like **** and to be cruel whenever he can). I never engage or tell him how much I hate him or anything. But it doesn’t roll off of me.
I am so angry and disappointed. My life is as good as I can hope for right now. It is about what I want for me. But I also feel like I have been robbed. Not really by alcohol because honestly emotional abusers aren’t made from booze. I wasn’t codependent, I was scared and trapped by a cruel and controlling person. I can point to what I did wrong- I picked him and I am not perfect- but I never tried to control him or force him to do anything, I just tried not to get in trouble and raise my kid with as little input as I could manage.
Some times I am grateful for the drinking because if he hadn’t nearly killed himself I have no idea how I’d have gotten out. And I knew I needed to so my kid would not think that was how love treated you.
Things are so much better. but this week I just feel like dog $hit on toast and I wanted to get it out where people understand.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
The problem with doing the right thing is that it’s hardly ever the easy thing and in fact frequently just sucks scissors.
I am so sorry it’s all so crappy right now, sweetie. Sending you a monster hug.
I am so sorry it’s all so crappy right now, sweetie. Sending you a monster hug.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
DFF...….Congrats on the pregnancy! I had not realized that you were pregnant....I must have missed that....?
I am wondering if the pregnancy hormones are influencing your emotions, to some extent.....I know that happened with all of my pregnancies.....
I am wondering if the pregnancy hormones are influencing your emotions, to some extent.....I know that happened with all of my pregnancies.....
Member
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 296
Yes it suxxxx. Sometimes the crying is also a massive relief from all that stress and anger. Let it flow. Cry for as long as you need to. You've gone through hell. Be with friends, family.. Hang with normies. Go to cafes, lil ole ladies know a soul that needs cuddles. They'll flock to you. Babies in buggies will smile at you. The world has got your back. In time the crying will ease off and you'll feel yourself walk down the street with the strut of a lady who kicked that toe rag to the kerb. People will notice your confidence, the energy you carry. Your child will know the power you have and forever strive to be like you. When it hurts for me.. When my EXAH acts so normal I want him back or I know his gf has dressed MY kids.. I remind myself that he wasn't good enough. His drinking and abuse wasn't good enough. I deserve better.. So do my kids and this pain will pass. His will get worse and I'll get better. Down the line, your courage, strength will attract more people like you. If you want.. You'll probably have to beat strong, courageous men away from you. Or let them in. But you've drawn a line in the sand for what you'll accept. Grieve.. I'm looking forward to being ready for a man, life on my side of the line. We are the brave. We're brave because we still did the right thing knowing exactly how much it would hurt.
SO many many hugs.
SO many many hugs.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2018
Posts: 436
I just sent in all the papers to start the divorce. I thought I would feel happy or relieved but I don't. I feel really sad and angry and can't stop crying. It must be part of the process.
Hope it passes for you soon and congratulations on your pregnancy.
Hope it passes for you soon and congratulations on your pregnancy.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Aww....congratulations! I'm very happy to hear about the baby!! 
Now, really, I can only begin to imagine the kind of mental "decompressing" that happens once the divorce became final. All of the adrenaline used to deal with the "what ifs" is gone, and now all the other emotions that had to be shelved for while take center stage. And yes...maybe a few pregnancy hormones thrown into the mix.
Forgive, I don't recall whether you stated you have a counselor. If not, now might be a great time to find one. You have a bright future!! You'll soon have 2 littles It's a great time to invest in you. You deserve the effort to be really and truly happy.
Now, really, I can only begin to imagine the kind of mental "decompressing" that happens once the divorce became final. All of the adrenaline used to deal with the "what ifs" is gone, and now all the other emotions that had to be shelved for while take center stage. And yes...maybe a few pregnancy hormones thrown into the mix.
Forgive, I don't recall whether you stated you have a counselor. If not, now might be a great time to find one. You have a bright future!! You'll soon have 2 littles
It's a great time to invest in you. You deserve the effort to be really and truly happy.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 223
Thanks friends. I have been trying to see a counselor through my insurance and it just wasn’t working out so I found someone privately I meet with next week. I’ve been trying to get that going for months and found the care model supremely unhelpful.
I haven’t talked much about the pregnancy just in case my involvement with this forum was noticed and I didn’t want it to come up before my change in custody request was final. It’s not technically relevant but I didn’t want to give the XAH any ammo or additional reason to be mean. I am sure hormones aren’t helping my mental state.
I haven’t talked much about the pregnancy just in case my involvement with this forum was noticed and I didn’t want it to come up before my change in custody request was final. It’s not technically relevant but I didn’t want to give the XAH any ammo or additional reason to be mean. I am sure hormones aren’t helping my mental state.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Congratulations!!!! I'm seriously blown away at your confidence & stability with all that you've had going on. I think this is a beautiful, beautiful story of moving on in healthy ways. I'm SO happy for you!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,983
Ugh. Sounds like you are now in the full blown grieving for the marriage. It is such hard work . . . well . . .calling it work makes it sound easier as grieving is just feeling the feels and enduring.
I hope your health is good and the pregnancy is progressing okay. Congrats. How far along are you?
I hope your health is good and the pregnancy is progressing okay. Congrats. How far along are you?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Digging for Fire,
Big hugs, and it's wonderful that you're having another baby, congrats!
Cry it out, shout it out. You've made such a huge leap forward and towards your own peace of mind and towards improving your own and your childrens' mental health!
I felt like the first couple years after my divorce was definitely a bit of a roller coaster....I had zero regret about leaving my exH, but I hadn't gone into the marriage willy nilly, I was very young, and had really loved him, we had 2 children, and I committed to that and when it failed for us it was a real failure, a real loss....and so it caused a lot of grief.
Counseling was a lifesaver, especially because it helped me figure out why I chose and committed to a person with whom I was doomed to fail, a person who would never be a full partner or show me the love and caring I needed. It all started inside ME! And as anyone who has lived in an A family knows, once you realize and accept that "I am the only person I can change," it is actually super empowering.
Be friendly and kind to yourself, you need some self-TLC too, you've been through so much
Peace,
B.
Big hugs, and it's wonderful that you're having another baby, congrats!
Cry it out, shout it out. You've made such a huge leap forward and towards your own peace of mind and towards improving your own and your childrens' mental health!
I felt like the first couple years after my divorce was definitely a bit of a roller coaster....I had zero regret about leaving my exH, but I hadn't gone into the marriage willy nilly, I was very young, and had really loved him, we had 2 children, and I committed to that and when it failed for us it was a real failure, a real loss....and so it caused a lot of grief.
Counseling was a lifesaver, especially because it helped me figure out why I chose and committed to a person with whom I was doomed to fail, a person who would never be a full partner or show me the love and caring I needed. It all started inside ME! And as anyone who has lived in an A family knows, once you realize and accept that "I am the only person I can change," it is actually super empowering.
Be friendly and kind to yourself, you need some self-TLC too, you've been through so much
Peace,
B.
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