Highs and lows
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Highs and lows
I’m struggling today. It’s all about value. Here I am trying to value myself, but the thought that my AH has so little value for me, us, our life lends itself to me feeling lower than low. If someone of so little commitment and character doesn’t value me, I have to work that much harder to value myself. I’m worth more than this.
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If we let our value be determined primarily by others, we will always suffer.
Growing up with an alcoholic mother I had literally no self-worth. I had no sense of self outisde of my relationship to her and whatever she was feeling on any given day. It took a long time and a lot of therapy for me to build my own sense of self, self-worth, self-estee, and I wouldn't trade it for the world.
Growing up with an alcoholic mother I had literally no self-worth. I had no sense of self outisde of my relationship to her and whatever she was feeling on any given day. It took a long time and a lot of therapy for me to build my own sense of self, self-worth, self-estee, and I wouldn't trade it for the world.
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Originally Posted by SparkleKitty 
If we let our value be determined primarily by others, we will always suffer.
Growing up with an alcoholic mother I had literally no self-worth. I had no sense of self outisde of my relationship to her and whatever she was feeling on any given day. It took a long time and a lot of therapy for me to build my own sense of self, self-worth, self-estee, and I wouldn't trade it for the world.
Growing up with an alcoholic mother I had literally no self-worth. I had no sense of self outisde of my relationship to her and whatever she was feeling on any given day. It took a long time and a lot of therapy for me to build my own sense of self, self-worth, self-estee, and I wouldn't trade it for the world.
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Originally Posted by Dazedandconfus
If someone of so little commitment and character doesn’t value me, I have to work that much harder to value myself. I’m worth more than this.
Why would a person of "so little commitment and character" value anyone or anything? Even you.
As is said often here, he is not drinking at you, he's just drinking.
Alcoholism is a mental illness, perhaps even covering other problems, who knows, but it is surely more than you can deal with on your own.
Your self-worth is no more attached to his opinion or actions than it is to the man in the moon. You are who you are, good, bad - everything. Nothing and no one changes that, except you. I'm not saying we shouldn't all be open to introspection - I think it's imperative, but just because you gave this your best and it didn't work out is no reflection on you.
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Dazed.....you have Inherent value....if someone else doesn't appreciate you, that doesn't change your inherent value....Again---his drinking is not about you...it is about HIM...and, his internal struggles....He is not drinking at you...he is doing what alcoholics do...they drink....
I suspect that your lack of self value (your words) and the weak spots in your boundaries had the seeds sown, somewhere, in your early growing up years, like for most every one.....Of course,living with an alcoholic who gets out of control, doesn't help......
I suspect that your lack of self value (your words) and the weak spots in your boundaries had the seeds sown, somewhere, in your early growing up years, like for most every one.....Of course,living with an alcoholic who gets out of control, doesn't help......
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Originally Posted by dandylion
Dazed.....you have Inherent value....if someone else doesn't appreciate you, that doesn't change your inherent value....Again---his drinking is not about you...it is about HIM...and, his internal struggles....He is not drinking at you...he is doing what alcoholics do...they drink....
I suspect that your lack of self value (your words) and the weak spots in your boundaries had the seeds sown, somewhere, in your early growing up years, like for most every one.....Of course,living with an alcoholic who gets out of control, doesn't help......
I suspect that your lack of self value (your words) and the weak spots in your boundaries had the seeds sown, somewhere, in your early growing up years, like for most every one.....Of course,living with an alcoholic who gets out of control, doesn't help......
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You are most definitely worth more than this. If he valued his life or yours he would stop this cycle of drinking. Your value and happiness should not depend on another, although it is a nice way we trick ourselves into thinking that if everyone else is happy with us, then we are happy too. I have been down this road many times.
Every day that you wake up is a new day to learn, meet new people, love people who are there for us already, find peace in the little things. One day at a time. All of those small accomplishments add up and then you will notice just how important you are to this world and the people who love you. They are the ones that matter. Hang in there.
Every day that you wake up is a new day to learn, meet new people, love people who are there for us already, find peace in the little things. One day at a time. All of those small accomplishments add up and then you will notice just how important you are to this world and the people who love you. They are the ones that matter. Hang in there.
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Originally Posted by Healingbegins
You are most definitely worth more than this. If he valued his life or yours he would stop this cycle of drinking. Your value and happiness should not depend on another, although it is a nice way we trick ourselves into thinking that if everyone else is happy with us, then we are happy too. I have been down this road many times.
Every day that you wake up is a new day to learn, meet new people, love people who are there for us already, find peace in the little things. One day at a time. All of those small accomplishments add up and then you will notice just how important you are to this world and the people who love you. They are the ones that matter. Hang in there.
Every day that you wake up is a new day to learn, meet new people, love people who are there for us already, find peace in the little things. One day at a time. All of those small accomplishments add up and then you will notice just how important you are to this world and the people who love you. They are the ones that matter. Hang in there.
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Actually you might take his bad opinion or apathy as a compliment. Drinkers are only going to value drink or someone who helps them stay drunk . . . . .so kudos for not being valuable to his addiction.
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Originally Posted by SparkleKitty
If we let our value be determined primarily by others, we will always suffer.
...
...
For an alcoholic, alcohol will always, always be the number one priority. It isn't personal, it isn't a statement of how lovable or desirable any person is in their lives. It's just how the disease works.
This man that you love is not well. He's not capable of rational thought and won't be for a while. As others have mentioned, it could be a year or more before his brain completely heals--assuming he doesn't ever drink again.
You are worth the effort it will take for you to have a happy and fulfilling life with a partner who can be completely present in it.
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10 days sober and he tells me this morning the fog has lifted for him. He is thinking rationally he says and sees the error of his ways. Yet, in prep for his meeting he comes into the room fully naked, stands in front of me and says with arms outstretched, “here I am!” Delusional. I’m going to the movies today.
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Most of us have made the mistake at one point or other of placing our own self worth in the hands of someone else. I know I've done it. But someone else not appreciating or understanding your effort isn't a reflection on you; it's a reflection on them. You are correct is stating you are worth more. If your AH can't see that, that is no fault of yours. Nor does it mean you have no value. Don't let how you feel cloud what you know. They are two different things. 
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Still thinks his plan to act like he's in recovery will work.
All these "pronouncements" about being in recovery is pretty much the opposite of being in recovery. It's more like active addiction gone to ground--a predator in pink camouflage hoping to get back to feeding soon if he can lure you back with tempting recovery jargon.
Glad you aren't buying and getting out for a bit. Enjoy that show as the home movie stinks. . .
All these "pronouncements" about being in recovery is pretty much the opposite of being in recovery. It's more like active addiction gone to ground--a predator in pink camouflage hoping to get back to feeding soon if he can lure you back with tempting recovery jargon.
Glad you aren't buying and getting out for a bit. Enjoy that show as the home movie stinks. . .
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Originally Posted by Hawkeye13
Still thinks his plan to act like he's in recovery will work.
All these "pronouncements" about being in recovery is pretty much the opposite of being in recovery. It's more like active addiction gone to ground--a predator in pink camouflage hoping to get back to feeding soon if he can lure you back with tempting recovery jargon.
Glad you aren't buying and getting out for a bit. Enjoy that show as the home movie stinks. . .
All these "pronouncements" about being in recovery is pretty much the opposite of being in recovery. It's more like active addiction gone to ground--a predator in pink camouflage hoping to get back to feeding soon if he can lure you back with tempting recovery jargon.
Glad you aren't buying and getting out for a bit. Enjoy that show as the home movie stinks. . .
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Originally Posted by BlownOne
Most of us have made the mistake at one point or other of placing our own self worth in the hands of someone else. I know I've done it. But someone else not appreciating or understanding your effort isn't a reflection on you; it's a reflection on them. You are correct is stating you are worth more. If your AH can't see that, that is no fault of yours. Nor does it mean you have no value. Don't let how you feel cloud what you know. They are two different things.
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Good. Don't engage and do the grey rock thing in terms of response.
As long as you are interacting with him, he isn't focusing on recovery from alcoholism, but only on recovering the status quo. You doing you, him doing him is really the best thing for both of you, don't you think?
Love you too DC--remember, what he does doesn't determine your self-worth so much as mirror his own. Enjoy Lion King
As long as you are interacting with him, he isn't focusing on recovery from alcoholism, but only on recovering the status quo. You doing you, him doing him is really the best thing for both of you, don't you think?
Love you too DC--remember, what he does doesn't determine your self-worth so much as mirror his own. Enjoy Lion King
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