Denial is great
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: CA
Posts: 25
Denial is great
I told my husband this weekend that we needed to discuss divorcing (while he was sober). It mostly went like this:
Me: I'm tired of fights every holiday and vacation. I end up crying every time.
Him: We don't fight that much, you just dwell on the bad.
Me: I've spent enough years unhappy. I won't do it any longer.
Him: I think you are mainly unhappy due to your illnesses, not because of me.
Him: We both love each other.
Me: Love is not enough.
Him: We both agreed divorce would not be an option when we started this. We are not getting a divorce. It would be different if we were younger, then I'd just walk away. But not at our age.
Me: What does age have to do with anything?
Him: I'll move to the spare bedroom if you want.
Me: It's not about where you sleep. It's about us living together!
Mainly it appears he is afraid of being old and alone. That's what I got out of the conversation anyway. I guess no more conversations until the papers are filed because it will just be more of the same denial that "we are not going to get divorced".
Me: I'm tired of fights every holiday and vacation. I end up crying every time.
Him: We don't fight that much, you just dwell on the bad.
Me: I've spent enough years unhappy. I won't do it any longer.
Him: I think you are mainly unhappy due to your illnesses, not because of me.
Him: We both love each other.
Me: Love is not enough.
Him: We both agreed divorce would not be an option when we started this. We are not getting a divorce. It would be different if we were younger, then I'd just walk away. But not at our age.
Me: What does age have to do with anything?
Him: I'll move to the spare bedroom if you want.
Me: It's not about where you sleep. It's about us living together!
Mainly it appears he is afraid of being old and alone. That's what I got out of the conversation anyway. I guess no more conversations until the papers are filed because it will just be more of the same denial that "we are not going to get divorced".
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
MarseyDoats…..yes...denial can be a strong defense.....but, in the list of defense mechanisms....it is the most ineffective one, in the long run....
There comes a time when we just have to do what we know we have to do....
Keep your eyes on your own welfare....
By the way----I Love your name!
There comes a time when we just have to do what we know we have to do....
Keep your eyes on your own welfare....
By the way----I Love your name!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,628
Well that conversation would just be so annoying.
You state, this is the way I feel. He states you are wrong, you probably feel that way because of X. You say this is what you want to do. He states no, you MIGHT have wanted to do that when I think it would have been a good idea, but not now.
I'm sure this isn't the first conversation that went like this. Your patience is commendable. I'm glad you are moving forward.
You state, this is the way I feel. He states you are wrong, you probably feel that way because of X. You say this is what you want to do. He states no, you MIGHT have wanted to do that when I think it would have been a good idea, but not now.
I'm sure this isn't the first conversation that went like this. Your patience is commendable. I'm glad you are moving forward.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
My life after being together for 18 years, married for 15:
Me (for last two- three years): I think we should get a divorce. This is not working. I cannot live like this.
Him (for two-three years): I am going to show you I can do this. I really want this. I love you and will do anything to save our marriage.
Me (last straw, which involved me pushing him out the door and telling him he has 10 mins to get out of our driveway or I call the police.): Don't come back, ever.
Him (next morning): I am so sorry, I am never going to drink again.
Me: I will be filing for divorce.
Him (here's the kicker): Divorce! We have never discussed divorce. We are not getting a divorce.
Me: Yes, we are. I hope we can coparent successfully.
Him (after I actually filed for divorce): I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU WOULD DO THIS!!!!
Point Being, I warned him for YEARS. He never believed I would do it, and was astounded when I did so. Total victim.
Me (for last two- three years): I think we should get a divorce. This is not working. I cannot live like this.
Him (for two-three years): I am going to show you I can do this. I really want this. I love you and will do anything to save our marriage.
Me (last straw, which involved me pushing him out the door and telling him he has 10 mins to get out of our driveway or I call the police.): Don't come back, ever.
Him (next morning): I am so sorry, I am never going to drink again.
Me: I will be filing for divorce.
Him (here's the kicker): Divorce! We have never discussed divorce. We are not getting a divorce.
Me: Yes, we are. I hope we can coparent successfully.
Him (after I actually filed for divorce): I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU WOULD DO THIS!!!!
Point Being, I warned him for YEARS. He never believed I would do it, and was astounded when I did so. Total victim.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: CA
Posts: 25
Thankfully we have no children together. We both have grown children from previous marriages only. I have no hope that he will ever get help and even if he does it's now too little too late. I'm hoping he doesn't turn vindictive once reality hits him that this IS happening. But I'm prepared for the worst.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 61
Originally Posted by MaresyDoats 
I told my husband this weekend that we needed to discuss divorcing (while he was sober). It mostly went like this:
Me: I'm tired of fights every holiday and vacation. I end up crying every time.
Him: We don't fight that much, you just dwell on the bad.
Me: I've spent enough years unhappy. I won't do it any longer.
Him: I think you are mainly unhappy due to your illnesses, not because of me.
Him: We both love each other.
Me: Love is not enough.
Him: We both agreed divorce would not be an option when we started this. We are not getting a divorce. It would be different if we were younger, then I'd just walk away. But not at our age.
Me: What does age have to do with anything?
Him: I'll move to the spare bedroom if you want.
Me: It's not about where you sleep. It's about us living together!
Mainly it appears he is afraid of being old and alone. That's what I got out of the conversation anyway. I guess no more conversations until the papers are filed because it will just be more of the same denial that "we are not going to get divorced".
Me: I'm tired of fights every holiday and vacation. I end up crying every time.
Him: We don't fight that much, you just dwell on the bad.
Me: I've spent enough years unhappy. I won't do it any longer.
Him: I think you are mainly unhappy due to your illnesses, not because of me.
Him: We both love each other.
Me: Love is not enough.
Him: We both agreed divorce would not be an option when we started this. We are not getting a divorce. It would be different if we were younger, then I'd just walk away. But not at our age.
Me: What does age have to do with anything?
Him: I'll move to the spare bedroom if you want.
Me: It's not about where you sleep. It's about us living together!
Mainly it appears he is afraid of being old and alone. That's what I got out of the conversation anyway. I guess no more conversations until the papers are filed because it will just be more of the same denial that "we are not going to get divorced".
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