Noodler

Hi Again,

I was 60 this month!
I first came here 8-9 yrs ago.
I’m ashamed to say...I stayed...I’ve lived the most fruitless life...for most of those years we pretended to believe he wasn’t drinking (denial for both)
He played the charade of going to AA & a fully fledged member of the Buddhist Center for those 8 yrs...I ignored it.

Till last year (June) I asked him leave. Major drama for wks till he had an offer of a lovely en suite room in a Buddhist community. Happy days. You wld thk.

So for that year he wld make a wkly visit here to see Adult children/Grandkids.

But from last November we cld see he was drinking.
It’s escalated and last wk he was drunk/mentally off the wall.

Sent him off. He Cldnt hide it from new Community... so they now have him fully monitered.

My question here is. Why do I feel depressed & angry & back too square one. What! haven’t I learned.

I look back at what I’ve wrote and I did it, I threw him out. But I haven’t mentally have I, I still feel responsible. I want to tell the community he’s hoodwinking them, he needs treatment or he will kill himself as they seem to be taking it lightly.

Sorry if this post seems trivial....but I feel I’ve not moved on at all...what’s that about do u know.
Any advice would be very much appreciated.

FallenAngelina

You post is all about him and what he has been doing, so it would seem that you're very focused on his issues and not working on a healthy life for yourself. Are you in your own recovery/wellness program?

AnvilheadII

Happy 60th! I'm a few months away from that event!!!

first and foremost, if you ARE upset, that is OK. feel what you feel.

as to what it is about what is going on with your ex that is getting to you?? not sure.
it could be concern for someone you are watching go off the rails, again.
it could still feeling overly responsible for his well being.
it could be that kicking him out didn't FIX it after all.
it could be you seeing him pretending to be someone he is not, and others still buying it.

so what is new and different in your life today?

dandylion

Noodler…...I am going to cast my guess to Anvil's list---that the most prominent reason, is, likely, that "kicking him out didn't FIX it afterall"......

hopeful4

I personally think it's very difficult to move on if you see and have to interact with someone all the time. So maybe instead of him visiting kids/grandkids with you there, he should try to do that on his own time.

Just a thought.

Noodler

I think you are all correct.

Prob ‘it didn’t FIX it’ in the end is true. But thankfully the thought of living with that again fills me with horror, so it fixed that area for Me didn’t it, that’s something.

There’s too much contact isn’t there? I’ve not made it clear, by the visiting, that we only have a ‘family’ relationship.

Anvil, I can honestly say nothing much is new & changed in my life. It’s been a huge change, we were married for 40 years, empty nest syndrome also. It feels very strange to be alone. However it’s not always like that, ive re kindled old friendships that were lost & feel its a start
.
Someone mentioned that because he’s been returning and I’ve accommodated the visits with the kids etc...(and the drinking issue was still there) the adult children have been trying to deal with it and I’ve been watching & felt helpless in helping them, that I’ve not been taking care of myself and moving forward. Hopeful4 exactly what u said.

FallenAngelina...it is all about his issues isn’t it. No I’ve havent been working on a recovery, I understand the damage issues etc and I totally understand it as I feel all that. But not felt even capable of putting one together! Our Al non here is nearly non existent, and there isn’t the kind of support groups here that you have there. It’s no excuse I have to work harder I know.

I have to cut the cord now don’t I ?

Thank you so much for your replies & time....there is someone out there ❤️

Noodler

Dandelion....it took a lot of willpower & courage on the day I asked him to go, he was going to drink so I said it & left. He left 2 weeks later after a lot of ‘I’ve no where to go’ wailing. So looking bk yes I thought that shock wld send him to treatment. Which it did, we believed for about 5mths, Yesterday he told me, it lasted days, in his now depressed state. He never did it. So yr right it didn’t Fix it.

And I’m listening to Myself now and I’m obsessed I know....I still think about it a lot of the time. He wants a friendly relationship and makes sure he keeps in contact??

Thank u

AnvilheadII

wowzies....forty years. THAT would take some getting used to, even if we were glad to see their backsides saunter down the drive.

so think about baby steps. you don't have to volunteer to lead a guided tour through Italy next week!!! teeny tiny steps go a long ways. i'm am a HUGE fan of audiobooks (i'm not addicted, i can quit anytime, i just don't WANT to....LOL) and there is such an amazing array of things to listen and to learn!!! i have a paid subscription, but one can also sign up with their local library. right now my thing is learning spanish in the car!!! excuse me - en el carro!

a lot of people talk about the benefits of yoga (i personally don't believe them cuz me and yoga never got along, but hey....) which can be done in the home or joining a studio. i think there are as many yoga shops as starbucks now.......almost!

redecorating your home's interior? now THAT could be fun....and dangerous! whatever ya do do NOT binge watch episodes of Fixer Upper!! j/k listening to Mari Kondo's Tidying book (twice) was a wonderful experience for me. even if one isn't doing a whole home reno, changing up and refreshing small spaces IN our home, places our eyes often fall, can make a huge difference. i have this one FAKE but very real looking eucalyptys branch thingie in a vase i found IN MY OFFICE at work (??) and it makes me happy every time i see it.

anyways....i'll shut up now.

dandylion

Noodler….I absolutely know that it took a lot of courage to make the separation...
some alcoholics do decide that they want recovery, in the face of losing their spouse or family....and, others do not. Each person is individual, in that respect.

It seems that many spouses do leave/separate at the p oint that they simply cannot take the alcoholic behavior one more minute.
At that point, after living with the behavior and the damage to the marriage relationship.....the non-alcoholic spouse has, invariably taken a "hit" also...maybe, so much so, that, they don't even recognize themselves, any m ore....So often, they become isolated and lonely...using all of their energy to just cope....Exhausted and afraid.

Having the alcoholic out of the house does offer more peace and end much of the disruption....And, the non-alcoholic may not understand the necessity for their own nurturing and attention...and, putting their own desires and needs, as an individual first, for a change....
This is so essential.....no matter what else happens...

It may mean to begin "building" a new life for oneself....and, learning about boundaries to protect....new interests, hobbies...new ways of behaving...
Developing insight and increased self awareness....

Noodler...if you keep posting, and sharing, here...we can help you with that.....

hopeful4

So my mom and dad have been married 52 years. We had to put my dad in a home this year as he has alzheimers. I realize it's not the same, but my mom is going through a lot of the same. Getting usto living on her own. Reconnecting w/old friends. All of that.

She got new furniture and repainted her house, as well as some other things this year. It has been nice to see how pleased she has become with the outcome, and I really think it has helped her to change up her atmosphere.

I am glad you are here, and I send you a big hugs and lots of support! What you did took lots of courage and you are doing your best, don't forget that. Giving oneself the credit you deserve is very important!

Milano58

I kicked my EXAH out. He quit briefly. Then hooked up with his hsemate. Then she asked him to move out.... So he got closure (he says). More likely she didn't like his drinking any more than I did. They're back dating now but he's got his own place, enabler, babysitter..

Bottom line. Kicking them out is for you... Not for them.

NYCDoglvr

I hope you take credit for the big steps you've made. Physically separating is one of the hardest things we do in life. Nothing you can say or do is going to affect the alcoholic's drinking (it's an inside job). But it sounds like your life is getting better on a consistent basis. As someone said in early recovery "It's a process...."

Noodler

Thank u for totally understanding my life as it is now, every single one of u, hit every single angle, I Carnt thank u enough for that. No one really gets the whole picture and you feel like shouting from the rooftops ‘it’s affected Me too’.

But as you will know, I was Superwoman, looked after everything, peeps think I’m fine and obvs I will tell them I am.

But Anvil I smiled at yr wonderful reply...u got it...I love reading, I’m an amateur upcycler of furniture, I used to love yoga (20 yrs ago!) and yes yr right the thought of running a guided tour is terrifying...I have been thinking of redecorating etc (not done)....I had all the motivation when ExAH left, but it went downhill...so the advice for baby steps I get!!

Hopeful4 thank u for that. It is the same I feel as it’s about Loss isn’t it. No matter how bad it was (it was always mental damage) you can feel the loss badly, mad isn’t it. But thank u for that it’s true.

Dandelion....such an insight u have, it is definitely all that you explained so well, that’s in my head, I know all that, I think I’m intelligent but I’m exhausted. I feel I just sunk, like deflated after all the drama & Adrenalin.
It’s been a difficult 2 yrs, my dad passed away and there was a lot of Estate stuff to get thru and then to top it all the AH has been diagnosed with Prostate cancer (stage 2 treatable) however helping the kids not to worry about it etc etc it also exhausting. So you were right on it.
I’ve isolated myself....Felt sorry for myself...trying to get used to living on my own it’s been overwhelming sometimes.

I’m now rambling so I ll sign off. But Carnt thank u all enough for the connection ❤️❤️❤️