260 Days sober Tomorrow, and how I got here
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Join Date: Jul 2019
Location: North Carolina, USA
Posts: 21
260 Days sober Tomorrow, and how I got here
Backstory:
Started drinking in college at age 20 (1988). In college, it was like the movie animal house. Binge drinking to get drunk. Continued for a few years after college (lived in same town). Was basically just weekends, sometimes during the week, but we always drank to get drunk.
Moved back home with the parents.... didn’t drink often there. Occasionally enough beers to get a good buzz, but infrequent. Then bought a house. Had weekend parties on and off for 2 years (mostly beer).
Didn’t quite but ended up not drinking as much because I was very obese (well, 300lbs). Worked out, got down to 130 (too thin)... ended up around 155. Would still binge drink, but not as often, it doesn’t help lose weight. Only drank occasionally after that until 2009-2010.
Stressful job, drank more and more. Started out just weekends, then added a night or two during the week. Only beer. Hadn’t had hard alcohol since really 1992 or so. Drinking progressively got worse.... 2013 and 2014 more stressful, more nights drinking. 4 nights a week average, 10-12 beers a night (light beer to avoid too much weight gain)...
Then, in 2015, get laid off. Everyday is now Friday. Full time drinking, thinking about looking for a job - did some consulting for a few months, but in early 2016 just sort of decided to take a break and travel. Did that - visited friends out of state, house sat for some of them.... but that made it easy to keep drinking.
2017 took a surprise trip to Australia (see my sister), and took a break from drinking there for 7 weeks. No problems, just realized I was out of shape... get back to the US, got one of the worst cases of the Flu (or something) I’ve had in a long time (I rarely get sick - once every 2 years, maybe. But it’s always bad). Basically useless being sick for 3-4 weeks... so, well, watch TV and then start drinking again. It didn’t stop.
May 2018, first time quitting for good:
Fast forward to May 2018, about 8 months later. Was feeling worse and worse over a period of a few weeks.... bad enough I drove myself to the Emergency Room on a Friday night really late... was so dizzy earlier in the day I could hardly stand up... flushed, nausea. Thought I was having a heart attack. Get to the ER, they kept asking me about high blood pressure (always elevated, never a problem). At the ER it was 210 over 105. (Not good). Lots of fun Xrays and EKGs. 2 bags of saline. BP down, but higher than I’d like (150/95). Scared me enough I didn’t start drinking again.
2 days later, same thing, back in the ER, BP sky high, same result. Tried to tell them I was a heavy drinker, but they just did the same chest X-rays, EKG, bags of saline, something injected to calm me down. BP lowered to 140/90 (ish). Sent me home.
Next night, was so nervous (don’t ever google too much, you’ll just become to anxious). By this time Amazon had delivered a nice BP unit, so I could see what was going on.... but then you focus on it, freaks you out, start a nice feedback loop... while monitoring it, I could feel myself getting tired, one of the readings had dropped to 85/40, almost passed out... came back up, cold sweat... back to the ER (3rd visit in 5 days). Told them I was an alcoholic, had been in a few times that week, and it’s not a heart attack, something is going on with my BP that’s not normal... same things, chest X-ray, EKG, bags of saline (EKGs are both the 12 point when you arrive, and then a monitor with the saline for anything out of the ordinary). This time, the doctor asked me if I was going to quit. I had indicated prior that I hadn’t had anything to drink and wanted to quit.... prescribed a tapering regimen of Librium. That did the trick for the crazy ups and downs. For now.
The Librium got me through the physical part. I had never had that before. Then, the same time, every night, I would get symptoms.... flushed, dizzy, nausea, muscle aches, rapid heartbeat, palpitations, anxiety (tight chest, shoulders, extreme worry, hard to breathe)... this went on for months. There would be a few days free, but then it came back.
Started exercising - just walking. 4-5 times a week for about an hour was the goal. For the first month just a walk around the block for 10 minutes was almost impossible. out of breath, head spinning, had to lay down afterwards. Some days I would be useless and just lay down watching TV. Staring at a computer screen and reading anything would make me feel physically ill those days. But keep pressing on. Stopped social media use during that time, it wasn’t helping me get better.
Regular doctor, the physical and all the blood work looked normal. BP was down to 130/90, but would still spike periodically. I stopped measuring it because I knew what was going on. Some weeks the symptoms would hit me strong, other weeks would be less and less.
The Relapse, and quitting the second time:
Five months in, zero alcohol, feeling pretty good. Figured I could take in moderate amounts of beer (just a few a few days a week... yeah, we all know where this is going). By this time I was hiking, with some symptoms, but not as bad... when I stopped exercising head isn’t as dizzy as it was a couple of months back. Plus I could carry a 20 or 30lb pack for an hour. I’m good to moderate.
One weekend night binge turned into 10 days. Plus exercising in somewhat humid and warm weather. Started feeling worse and worse.... kept drinking water, but was more and more thirsty... finally one night at 3am, I took myself to the ER. This time I was hardly able to stand by the time I got there, so out of breath that I wasn’t making a lot of sense.
Same set of tests with a twist - EKG, BP, chest x-ray - and a CT scan (they thought I might be having a stroke I guess). BP through the roof again (220/110). Back on the bags of saline... but then a ride in an ambulance to a different facility for the weekend. Saline drip all weekend long, doses of Librium. Sodium was down to 119 mg/L (that’s bad). The new alcohol intake all 10 days (12 pack a night), hard exercise, too much water not enough electrolytes, bad mix. Finally outpatient with a Librium prescription for tapering... decided to walk from the facility to the other ER. Was about 15 miles... made it 8, too tired and it was hot for October. Called an Uber to take me the rest of the way.
The Librium got me through the physical detox this time, and then the same symptoms I was almost over last time were back, and worse. At least this time I knew what to expect, and the first time had found this forum (through a search that found the thread on PAWS... kept that bookmarked, read through it every time I was freaking out, and started reading the forums).
That was an expensive year. Burned through my deductible ($7500 or whatever). But I had stopped drinking. Twice. This time for good.
A month later, tore something in my hip (think it was connecting tissue for the piriformis - it had gotten tight with all the hiking with weights). It was bad enough I wasn’t able to hike or walk too much.... injury and bad sciatic pain, so I went to the coast and sat in dad’s house (he was out of the country at the time), it’s quiet, had a TV, could just hang out... ended up staying through thanksgiving, christmas and New Years. About 7 weeks. Did some hiking/walking, but the symptoms would hit me hard each night.
Got back home, still trying to walk to exercise, and it’s aggravating the injury, so I just started stretching, range of motion exercises, and light strength training. Finally bought a foam roller on Amazon and rolled out the tight piriformis on the left side... 3 days of that, much improved. A week, all the pain gone and mobility from that returned (living with that hindrance for a few years now). Mostly stretching and then sitting on the couch.... that went on for 5 months, and then decided to start walking again about 4 weeks ago. Very out of shape from sitting so long, but the injury was bad and I just didn’t feel like doing anything else.... time to kick myself in the butt and get going.
The week before the symptoms had gone pretty mild, still there, but much better. Took longer this time (since I was sedentary)... So walking some, then heavy yard work one day, walk next two days, cherries were on sale bought 2 large bags and ate them in 3-4 days (they are a laxative, so that helps dehydrate you).... now was very tight in my shoulders and back. Neck and jaw was very tight, and behind my temples.... never felt this one before... then the nausea started. Got bad enough I had an appointment at my regular doctor, but was feeling so bad on the way there I just stopped at the ER.... same tests as before. Initial BP is 160/92, and All tests came back normal, they gave me 2 bags of saline, checked the blood. Low sodium. Outpatient to schedule a visit with a cardiologist. ER doc thinks it’s musculature related, but just to be sure, and I’m 50.
Was feeling good for 2 days, then did some more yard work (strenuous). Had started doing push ups, pull ups again, and more walking (walking means 2.5 miles an hour for an hour-hour and a half non stop). Lose a lot of fluids in the humid weather. Symptoms back like before, weak arms and shoulders, shoulders felt tight and heavy, headache, middle of my back hurt, hot flashes, nausea... went back to the ER, same tests (BP is 160/90 so not as bad as last year I guess that’s something).
Visited a cardiologist two days later, on the way was feeling dizzy - got there BP had gone back up to 160/93. Cardiologist asked some questions, He believes it’s just heat exhaustion, but went ahead and scheduled a stress test (that’s coming up this week). Prescribed something for high blood pressure (I don’t want to be on this stuff long term, it’s expensive and makes you too tired during part of the day... I’m going to talk with him about the prior episodes, it’s been around 130/89, and I should be able to get back to 124/85 or so by being active since my injury isn’t a problem anymore).
I currently don’t have issues during exercise, it’s after I stop, I get light headed and have to lay down. I suspect being inactive for 5 months or so has caused me to lose what gains I had made last year, and then some. It has also extended the recovery from these lingering symptoms (and/or they are worse this time around). Legs are fine, just my core and shoulders/upper arms get worn out, feel heavy (I’m not used to being this out of shape). The tightness in the back is pull ups and body weight rows (with rings)... and push ups (rings) and dips (rings). I suspect the neck tightness is the nerves in my back and those muscles are weak enough. BUT, have tests scheduled because otherwise I’ll worry, and it was recommended.
Primary doctor thinks some of these things are anxiety, so there are lots of symptoms from all sorts of things.... alcohol can be used (even subconsciously) to mask symptoms of anxiety and so on.
Every time you make progress one place, something else pops up. Ten months ago I was hoofing a 30lb pack for an hour. This year is going to be an expensive year too for health insurance deductibles. Alcohol is so bad in so many ways.
This whole time, drinking in the last 2 years was just habit. Beer/Alcohol now brings up images of what the ER visit is like, how much it will cost, and how unnecessary much of it is if you just don’t drink. I don’t remember my what last drink was, I just remember my first ER visit afterwards. Even this week met a friend and his son who was in town, wanted to meet up for a beer.... so I met them at the bar and grill and had water (can’t have soda right now (caffeine and artificial sweetners), cardiologist wants to rule some stuff out, fine my me). Zero desire for a beer or alcohol.
OK... if you’re still here reading... things for people trying to quit, going through the tough stuff.
For myself: Now I Need to work on a plan to get things back on track.
This is THE most difficult thing I have ever gone through. There were days where I was sure I was not going to make it (felt like you were going to die). But I didn’t. I’m here, I’m alive, and most importantly I’m sober.
So that’s how I got here today, at the end of 259 days sober and counting.
Thanks for reading (it’s long, I know)
Started drinking in college at age 20 (1988). In college, it was like the movie animal house. Binge drinking to get drunk. Continued for a few years after college (lived in same town). Was basically just weekends, sometimes during the week, but we always drank to get drunk.
Moved back home with the parents.... didn’t drink often there. Occasionally enough beers to get a good buzz, but infrequent. Then bought a house. Had weekend parties on and off for 2 years (mostly beer).
Didn’t quite but ended up not drinking as much because I was very obese (well, 300lbs). Worked out, got down to 130 (too thin)... ended up around 155. Would still binge drink, but not as often, it doesn’t help lose weight. Only drank occasionally after that until 2009-2010.
Stressful job, drank more and more. Started out just weekends, then added a night or two during the week. Only beer. Hadn’t had hard alcohol since really 1992 or so. Drinking progressively got worse.... 2013 and 2014 more stressful, more nights drinking. 4 nights a week average, 10-12 beers a night (light beer to avoid too much weight gain)...
Then, in 2015, get laid off. Everyday is now Friday. Full time drinking, thinking about looking for a job - did some consulting for a few months, but in early 2016 just sort of decided to take a break and travel. Did that - visited friends out of state, house sat for some of them.... but that made it easy to keep drinking.
2017 took a surprise trip to Australia (see my sister), and took a break from drinking there for 7 weeks. No problems, just realized I was out of shape... get back to the US, got one of the worst cases of the Flu (or something) I’ve had in a long time (I rarely get sick - once every 2 years, maybe. But it’s always bad). Basically useless being sick for 3-4 weeks... so, well, watch TV and then start drinking again. It didn’t stop.
May 2018, first time quitting for good:
Fast forward to May 2018, about 8 months later. Was feeling worse and worse over a period of a few weeks.... bad enough I drove myself to the Emergency Room on a Friday night really late... was so dizzy earlier in the day I could hardly stand up... flushed, nausea. Thought I was having a heart attack. Get to the ER, they kept asking me about high blood pressure (always elevated, never a problem). At the ER it was 210 over 105. (Not good). Lots of fun Xrays and EKGs. 2 bags of saline. BP down, but higher than I’d like (150/95). Scared me enough I didn’t start drinking again.
2 days later, same thing, back in the ER, BP sky high, same result. Tried to tell them I was a heavy drinker, but they just did the same chest X-rays, EKG, bags of saline, something injected to calm me down. BP lowered to 140/90 (ish). Sent me home.
Next night, was so nervous (don’t ever google too much, you’ll just become to anxious). By this time Amazon had delivered a nice BP unit, so I could see what was going on.... but then you focus on it, freaks you out, start a nice feedback loop... while monitoring it, I could feel myself getting tired, one of the readings had dropped to 85/40, almost passed out... came back up, cold sweat... back to the ER (3rd visit in 5 days). Told them I was an alcoholic, had been in a few times that week, and it’s not a heart attack, something is going on with my BP that’s not normal... same things, chest X-ray, EKG, bags of saline (EKGs are both the 12 point when you arrive, and then a monitor with the saline for anything out of the ordinary). This time, the doctor asked me if I was going to quit. I had indicated prior that I hadn’t had anything to drink and wanted to quit.... prescribed a tapering regimen of Librium. That did the trick for the crazy ups and downs. For now.
The Librium got me through the physical part. I had never had that before. Then, the same time, every night, I would get symptoms.... flushed, dizzy, nausea, muscle aches, rapid heartbeat, palpitations, anxiety (tight chest, shoulders, extreme worry, hard to breathe)... this went on for months. There would be a few days free, but then it came back.
Started exercising - just walking. 4-5 times a week for about an hour was the goal. For the first month just a walk around the block for 10 minutes was almost impossible. out of breath, head spinning, had to lay down afterwards. Some days I would be useless and just lay down watching TV. Staring at a computer screen and reading anything would make me feel physically ill those days. But keep pressing on. Stopped social media use during that time, it wasn’t helping me get better.
Regular doctor, the physical and all the blood work looked normal. BP was down to 130/90, but would still spike periodically. I stopped measuring it because I knew what was going on. Some weeks the symptoms would hit me strong, other weeks would be less and less.
The Relapse, and quitting the second time:
Five months in, zero alcohol, feeling pretty good. Figured I could take in moderate amounts of beer (just a few a few days a week... yeah, we all know where this is going). By this time I was hiking, with some symptoms, but not as bad... when I stopped exercising head isn’t as dizzy as it was a couple of months back. Plus I could carry a 20 or 30lb pack for an hour. I’m good to moderate.
One weekend night binge turned into 10 days. Plus exercising in somewhat humid and warm weather. Started feeling worse and worse.... kept drinking water, but was more and more thirsty... finally one night at 3am, I took myself to the ER. This time I was hardly able to stand by the time I got there, so out of breath that I wasn’t making a lot of sense.
Same set of tests with a twist - EKG, BP, chest x-ray - and a CT scan (they thought I might be having a stroke I guess). BP through the roof again (220/110). Back on the bags of saline... but then a ride in an ambulance to a different facility for the weekend. Saline drip all weekend long, doses of Librium. Sodium was down to 119 mg/L (that’s bad). The new alcohol intake all 10 days (12 pack a night), hard exercise, too much water not enough electrolytes, bad mix. Finally outpatient with a Librium prescription for tapering... decided to walk from the facility to the other ER. Was about 15 miles... made it 8, too tired and it was hot for October. Called an Uber to take me the rest of the way.
The Librium got me through the physical detox this time, and then the same symptoms I was almost over last time were back, and worse. At least this time I knew what to expect, and the first time had found this forum (through a search that found the thread on PAWS... kept that bookmarked, read through it every time I was freaking out, and started reading the forums).
That was an expensive year. Burned through my deductible ($7500 or whatever). But I had stopped drinking. Twice. This time for good.
A month later, tore something in my hip (think it was connecting tissue for the piriformis - it had gotten tight with all the hiking with weights). It was bad enough I wasn’t able to hike or walk too much.... injury and bad sciatic pain, so I went to the coast and sat in dad’s house (he was out of the country at the time), it’s quiet, had a TV, could just hang out... ended up staying through thanksgiving, christmas and New Years. About 7 weeks. Did some hiking/walking, but the symptoms would hit me hard each night.
Got back home, still trying to walk to exercise, and it’s aggravating the injury, so I just started stretching, range of motion exercises, and light strength training. Finally bought a foam roller on Amazon and rolled out the tight piriformis on the left side... 3 days of that, much improved. A week, all the pain gone and mobility from that returned (living with that hindrance for a few years now). Mostly stretching and then sitting on the couch.... that went on for 5 months, and then decided to start walking again about 4 weeks ago. Very out of shape from sitting so long, but the injury was bad and I just didn’t feel like doing anything else.... time to kick myself in the butt and get going.
The week before the symptoms had gone pretty mild, still there, but much better. Took longer this time (since I was sedentary)... So walking some, then heavy yard work one day, walk next two days, cherries were on sale bought 2 large bags and ate them in 3-4 days (they are a laxative, so that helps dehydrate you).... now was very tight in my shoulders and back. Neck and jaw was very tight, and behind my temples.... never felt this one before... then the nausea started. Got bad enough I had an appointment at my regular doctor, but was feeling so bad on the way there I just stopped at the ER.... same tests as before. Initial BP is 160/92, and All tests came back normal, they gave me 2 bags of saline, checked the blood. Low sodium. Outpatient to schedule a visit with a cardiologist. ER doc thinks it’s musculature related, but just to be sure, and I’m 50.
Was feeling good for 2 days, then did some more yard work (strenuous). Had started doing push ups, pull ups again, and more walking (walking means 2.5 miles an hour for an hour-hour and a half non stop). Lose a lot of fluids in the humid weather. Symptoms back like before, weak arms and shoulders, shoulders felt tight and heavy, headache, middle of my back hurt, hot flashes, nausea... went back to the ER, same tests (BP is 160/90 so not as bad as last year I guess that’s something).
Visited a cardiologist two days later, on the way was feeling dizzy - got there BP had gone back up to 160/93. Cardiologist asked some questions, He believes it’s just heat exhaustion, but went ahead and scheduled a stress test (that’s coming up this week). Prescribed something for high blood pressure (I don’t want to be on this stuff long term, it’s expensive and makes you too tired during part of the day... I’m going to talk with him about the prior episodes, it’s been around 130/89, and I should be able to get back to 124/85 or so by being active since my injury isn’t a problem anymore).
I currently don’t have issues during exercise, it’s after I stop, I get light headed and have to lay down. I suspect being inactive for 5 months or so has caused me to lose what gains I had made last year, and then some. It has also extended the recovery from these lingering symptoms (and/or they are worse this time around). Legs are fine, just my core and shoulders/upper arms get worn out, feel heavy (I’m not used to being this out of shape). The tightness in the back is pull ups and body weight rows (with rings)... and push ups (rings) and dips (rings). I suspect the neck tightness is the nerves in my back and those muscles are weak enough. BUT, have tests scheduled because otherwise I’ll worry, and it was recommended.
Primary doctor thinks some of these things are anxiety, so there are lots of symptoms from all sorts of things.... alcohol can be used (even subconsciously) to mask symptoms of anxiety and so on.
Every time you make progress one place, something else pops up. Ten months ago I was hoofing a 30lb pack for an hour. This year is going to be an expensive year too for health insurance deductibles. Alcohol is so bad in so many ways.
This whole time, drinking in the last 2 years was just habit. Beer/Alcohol now brings up images of what the ER visit is like, how much it will cost, and how unnecessary much of it is if you just don’t drink. I don’t remember my what last drink was, I just remember my first ER visit afterwards. Even this week met a friend and his son who was in town, wanted to meet up for a beer.... so I met them at the bar and grill and had water (can’t have soda right now (caffeine and artificial sweetners), cardiologist wants to rule some stuff out, fine my me). Zero desire for a beer or alcohol.
OK... if you’re still here reading... things for people trying to quit, going through the tough stuff.
- It’s not easy.
- This is the most difficult, most terrifying thing I have ever been through. It sucks. BUT, you CAN do it.
- The community at Soberrecovery has been invaluable for me. When I’m feeling awful, just reading posts is very comforting. It keeps you focused, gives you hope. Members are here for support, so you’re not alone. No matter what, stay sober, you CAN do this. It gets better.
For myself: Now I Need to work on a plan to get things back on track.
- Getting the health things under control is one thing.
- Regular checkups, don’t wait till things get bad.
- Regular exercise out of the house goes along with that (frustrating that another roadblock has presented itself in the last 4 weeks). No more excuses like “I’ll start tomorrow”. Can start the upper body conditioning, but need to map it out and go slow and easy.
- Concurrently updating my resume and start looking for a job (hopefully find one that has better health insurance than I have now).
This is THE most difficult thing I have ever gone through. There were days where I was sure I was not going to make it (felt like you were going to die). But I didn’t. I’m here, I’m alive, and most importantly I’m sober.
So that’s how I got here today, at the end of 259 days sober and counting.
Thanks for reading (it’s long, I know)
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