Louise39

I'm trying to work out where I went wrong instead of drowning in this shame urghhhh I was hideous just absolutely awful
first I stopped coming on here everyday I got confident just after 1 month and thought that's it I'm cured everything's fine now so stopped actively reading and coming in here when in fact it's probably when I needed it the most.
secondly I stupidly arrange to go to a cocktail bar for my friends 40th I promised and I should have been honest and said no its way 2 soon so even in my head I was thinking about not drinking I still knew I was probably going to drink that night if it makes sense I have always had a problem with I need one last one to say goodbye to alcohol which never happens....today I have accepted that I will never be able to drink again not one...no weddings birthdays no last drink ever again I can't keep putting my mind body and soul through this or my children my partner my let's my family my bank account I just can't go through this anymore today is the day I say enough and not just to everybody else but to my actual self I hit my rock-bottom this week I never realised I could fall so low and I'm not that person I never want to be her again....
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biminiblue

I had to stay away from drinking for a long time after I quit. I didn't go places where drinking was the main reason for being there. Once I got secure in my sobriety it didn't bother me nearly as much. There just is NO reason for me to drink or be in drinking situations like pubs or drinking parties. Not then and not now. If I have to go to some place like that (such as a wedding) I excuse myself after an hour. I can deal with the drinking people for an hour.

All these tumbling emotions you're posting about are a good and normal part of early recovery. They seemed so raw for me, I was not used to any kind of emotions at all and I wanted to stop all of them with a drink. It was uncomfortable - to put it mildly.

This will settle down with continuous sober time.

Keep going. Your family will see you changing, you will see the changes, and you will love yourself again. Keep reading...we get it.

Kdon853

Stopping drinking is not a penance it is freedom. It takes a while to realize that . The they
Are getting away with it, self pity, why me slowly disappears . When you finally accept that you have a problem and the game is over you’re on your way. First few months are really hard. You have to make changes and little by slowly it gets better

August252015

Glad you are back - and echo what bimini said!

What are you going to add to a support, recovery-based IRL plan? You've listed some smart things to choose NOT to do - we can also learn what TO do what gets and keeps us in a clearer, happier, better able to handle life place!

SoberRican

Good morning. Yeah once you cross the line into sober land the desire to booze is lessened. Just like anything you have to practice to be good at something. But with addiction practice is a daily thing. Feel me . I am on day 83 today so I am still green and will always be green. Keep coming back.

CRRHCC

Just curious? Why did you not stop after one drink? Do you remember what you were thinking or more importantly, feeling?

Anna

Louise, I had to stay away from people and places involving alcohol for almost a year. During that time, my mindset changed completely. I know you can get back to your sobriety and it sounds like you've learned some good lessons.

Louise39

my mindset changes before I even have the drink I know I won't ever have just one the min I buy a bottle I drink in till I pass out I've never had control over drinking I turn into the most selfish person before I've even opened the bottle. I remember zoning out a bit and let my av take over completely convincing myself I would have a couple of drinks then go to bed. ...same story 3 days later of drinkimg nothing but vodka causing problems embaressing myself a wrecked home no partner not knowing what the day is...sick everywhere...I just can't ever have one drink again I'm not that person sober

Misssy2

Doris..it took me a LONG time and many relapses to stop ...this time feels different.

I hope that this time feels "different" for you because for some reason that is the only time we can keep the drink demon from entering our minds.

I really thought I would die last time at the end of my binge...drinking wasn't even helping my hangovers anylonger..throwing up...not eating...so I was throwing up bile..and blood...

I didn't know that this time stopping I would feel different, stronger, ready to fight my demons...I thank God that I do feel good today.

I hope you find your way....

least

I hope you want to be sober more than you want to drink, that's vital to success. That's when I knew I would make it, when I wanted to be sober more than I wanted to drink.

Louise39

I want to be sober more than I have ever wanted anything I need it I really do

D122y

If i got wasted ofter a month and then didn't drink again for 2 months, or forever, i might call it a taper.

Definitely healthier than if i had drank that whole month.

Most of us here might consider ourselves baptized in the waters of addiction awareness. Now we are convicted to not drink.

Relapse now causes shame.

Nowing that i made it a month clean meant i could make it for life. After a month, it is all mental and physical healing. The physical addiction is gone.

Mentally the hell rampednup for well into 6 months. The craves were fierce.

I had major agoraphobia that would come and go. That helped me quit.

It has all but went away. It left some ptsd for me to remember to not relapse.

Based on what i read here, relapse for me means clock resetting insanity.

Thanks.

BackandScared

Good morning Louise. How are you doing today?
Everybody is different. Thinking I will never drink again does not help me. It actually gives me permission for a 'last goodbye'. It is going to be forever and forever gives me plenty of time.
Fear keeps me here now: the fear to go back to day 1. Thinking what will happen if I drink (or playing the tape as others say). There is no way I can justify that, even with my addicted mind.
I am pretty sure many of us have known for a very long time we cannot have just one. We have tried hundreds of times before committing to any sobriety plan. When we reached where we are, we already know. We keep fooling ourselves as we have done with the moderation plan, when it was still a plausible idea and we did not know.

I hope you find the way to stay alcohol free, whatever works for you.

Fusion

Oh yes, Louise. That was my experience also. I had two and a half years of content sobriety. Then, well the horrible circumstances don’t matter, but I listened to my AV. Then, instead of stopping after a few days, getting back on the horse, I drank, and drank and drank.

I drank so much, I became physically addicted, once more. But I’m determined to stop, this time, forever. I’ve well and truly learnt the lesson. I can never return to normal, social drinking, and just have a few. It doesn’t really matter why (brain neurons, spiritual etc.). I just can’t drink, because after one, I don’t stop.

You CAN do this, Louise

melski

Louis, thank you for the courage to share your story and experience.
That you are back here and talking about it says a lot and we have all relapsed with bad consequences.
I am still very new too but I think the sobriety vigilance becomes easier and more automatic with time and the reward of a happier life but that AV is always a factor.
Maybe for some it shuts off completely but the first few days, weeks, months are
usually too soon to think one is cured.
Protect yourself any way you can.
It can feel lonely at first but we are all here for you.
If that means avoiding certain social situations then do it and try to find other things to fill that void.

CRRHCC

You described your mindset-your thinking. My question was, "what emotions or feelings," were you having? My guess is you were feeling overwhelmed, helpless, trapped, powerless and out of control. Like me, you escape the trap with drinking because it changes the way you feel; you temporarily feel better. The bottom line is, we drink to regain control of how we feel (escaping how we feel is regaining control). The antidote is to find some other empowering behavior that is of high value to us that replace the corrupt behavior. When you feel empowered, you feel in control.

I never looked at my addiction from a feelings/emotional perspective. I was a functional alcoholic, intellectually in control! Yet, I failed to realize that emotionally I was not in control at all! I drank to regain control of my feelings, an emotional state! Once I realized it was all about control of my emotions, I worked on new values and purpose in life. Behaviors that empowered me to regain control of my life in healthy ways. The truth is I had lost my values and purpose in life. I had to find them again.

When your values trump your addiction, there is no addiction. There is inner peace.

Philippians 4:6-7

DriGuy

The reality is that we are weak and need to take special precautions not to drink. My original wording of that sentence was "It's a sad fact is that we are weak." I changed that from a "sad fact" to "reality," because I don't actually feel sad about it, but it is a reality, at least for most of us.

This is nothing new. It's a corollary of step one, which we all need to do, whether we are in AA or not. We get stronger with time, and the amount of time varies for each of us, but we will always have to make the choice not to drink, if we plan to die sober.

Being weak, we have to make special provisions, some of which we can drop in time, but early on, as your story points out, we are not strong enough to be around alcohol and not drink. This is not new either. We talk about avoiding risk in the forum all the time, because saying "no" to a drink is not something we can do in early recovery, as you have read here often.

If it were as simple as going to a wedding and not drinking, we would have no need for programs, plans, forums, and asking for help. And yes, it was a big deal for me to say "no" to risk situations. Was I really that weak that I had to do that? Yes! But when I did, I did so knowing how important sobriety was to me. Nothing that presented risk could be allowed in my life, at least not early on.

And when it is time to take a risk (one month is not enough), you have to have a backup plan. Did you have an escape route fixed solidly in mind? Were you committed to it? In fact, you shouldn't have even put yourself at risk in the first place so early in sobriety. I have been at that point, where like you, I knew I was going to drink before I took that drink. Guess what? I took the drink. I had to change my behavior, my haunts and my friends.

That fact is we are weak and have to find ways to compensate for it. Going to a cocktail party is not how we do that. I remember an old timer saying to a newcomer, who was complaining about not getting to socialize with his drinking buddies. The old timer said flat out, "There is nothing going on downtown after 5PM that you need to know about." It's a hard pill to swallow, but something you must be willing to embrace.

Maudcat

Right after I stopped drinking, we went to a wedding. Daughter of good friends getting married. Didn’t feel I could beg off.
In retrospect, I wish I had.
I was miserable, I wanted to drink so badly.
Good lesson, though.
I knew I wasn’t ready for such situations and that I had to develop stronger sober muscles.

Derringer

We know not to touch a red hot element of a stove top, we can think through the consequences of that. But we can't think through the consequences of a night of uncontrollable drinking.

Why is that ?

This is the "Insanity" of alcoholism. We are sane and rational about many other aspects of life, yet we cannot see the truth of the matter when it comes to alcohol. Well we can for a period of time but there inevitably comes a lapse in the sane thinking and next thing we are drinking.

AA promised us a permanent return to sanity around alcohol with a spiritual awakening via the 12 Steps and a Power greater than ourselves.

Worth looking into.

Tailai

You can do this Louise. You can get through these early months with what you’ve learned & your resolve.