I just cant
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Join Date: Jul 2019
Posts: 868
I just cant
at this point I can’t do anything. I’m in a deep depression. I can hardly function. My friends are texting me pics of beautiful sun kissed beaches and hiking trails. Hawaii sunrises and happy couples in marathon races. I’m spending money on divorced, hotels and barely keeping my sanity. All this could have paid for a long beautiful trip, instead it’s an ugly mystery tour into the depths of the dark underside belly of humanity. I can’t even think straight let alone do what’s in my best interest. I don’t even know what’s in my best interests anymore.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,629
Sometimes we have to really get a grip on ourselves.
One foot in front of the other, do the next right thing, that's it.
You're in pain and that's normal, not great but normal. There are things that can help get you through this.
- Eat well - don't ignore this one, this is imperative. Even if you don't feel like eating meals, do it anyway. I know it's really hard to do when you don't have much of an appetite but eat what you can.
- Sleep. If you are not sleeping well perhaps a visit to your GP is in order or over the counter sleep aids.
- Distraction. Watch movies, journal, call friends and family, work on your book, try not to isolate.
- Support. I know you have therapy on Friday I think it is, what about your local DV, have you contacted them? Please do, see what services are available, what support groups they might have.
If people are texting you pictures of Hawaii you can not look or you can perhaps reply - looks great, talk to you when you get back. That kind of shuts that conversation down.
One foot in front of the other, do the next right thing, that's it.
You're in pain and that's normal, not great but normal. There are things that can help get you through this.
- Eat well - don't ignore this one, this is imperative. Even if you don't feel like eating meals, do it anyway. I know it's really hard to do when you don't have much of an appetite but eat what you can.
- Sleep. If you are not sleeping well perhaps a visit to your GP is in order or over the counter sleep aids.
- Distraction. Watch movies, journal, call friends and family, work on your book, try not to isolate.
- Support. I know you have therapy on Friday I think it is, what about your local DV, have you contacted them? Please do, see what services are available, what support groups they might have.
If people are texting you pictures of Hawaii you can not look or you can perhaps reply - looks great, talk to you when you get back. That kind of shuts that conversation down.
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Join Date: Jul 2019
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Originally Posted by trailmix 
If you are that low D, perhaps take a few minutes to call the support hotline again?
You don't have to do this on your own you know. I would strongly suggest calling them and then calling the DV center.
You don't have to do this on your own you know. I would strongly suggest calling them and then calling the DV center.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dazed...the point is that you NEED actual live, breathing, human contact, right now. Human support. I have dealt with people who are in crisis and depressed, ect., all of my life...as a medical person....
And, I know this to my bones---positive human contact is the most healing factor there is when a person is suffering a loss such as this...
The fact that you can even ask "What is the point" is a sure sign that you need to reach out your hand to let others help you....
I know that you are feeling "helpless" because you feel like you have lost "control" over what is happening....a nd, that scares you to death....
The irony is, that, reaching out and accepting help actually helps you feel in control of yourself, again.....
This is Nike Time.....Just do it....
And, I know this to my bones---positive human contact is the most healing factor there is when a person is suffering a loss such as this...
The fact that you can even ask "What is the point" is a sure sign that you need to reach out your hand to let others help you....
I know that you are feeling "helpless" because you feel like you have lost "control" over what is happening....a nd, that scares you to death....
The irony is, that, reaching out and accepting help actually helps you feel in control of yourself, again.....
This is Nike Time.....Just do it....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2019
Posts: 868
Originally Posted by dandylion
Dazed...the point is that you NEED actual live, breathing, human contact, right now. Human support. I have dealt with people who are in crisis and depressed, ect., all of my life...as a medical person....
And, I know this to my bones---positive human contact is the most healing factor there is when a person is suffering a loss such as this...
The fact that you can even ask "What is the point" is a sure sign that you need to reach out your hand to let others help you....
I know that you are feeling "helpless" because you feel like you have lost "control" over what is happening....a nd, that scares you to death....
The irony is, that, reaching out and accepting help actually helps you feel in control of yourself, again.....
This is Nike Time.....Just do it....
And, I know this to my bones---positive human contact is the most healing factor there is when a person is suffering a loss such as this...
The fact that you can even ask "What is the point" is a sure sign that you need to reach out your hand to let others help you....
I know that you are feeling "helpless" because you feel like you have lost "control" over what is happening....a nd, that scares you to death....
The irony is, that, reaching out and accepting help actually helps you feel in control of yourself, again.....
This is Nike Time.....Just do it....
Member
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 63
I had horrific depression when I divorced my XAH 10 months ago. This too will pass! It does get better! Much better, I promise. Reach out to others. Distract yourself. Keep busy. You can do it! He is the weak one. You are strong and capable and worthy of a far better life. We are here for you!
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Oh dazed 
I'm sorry you're in so much pain. I get it...really! You are grieving, and grief is a funny thing. It's both physical and mental. It comes in waves. One moment you will feel OK, and the next you will feel as if there is no point in getting out of bed.
My first husband decided he liked another woman better than he liked me, had an affair, threw it in my face, and divorced me. I felt worthless and unlovable in ways that would be impossible to describe. It took counseling for a couple of years to get past that.
About 7 years after the divorce, I met a wonderful man. Truly the best thing that ever happened to me--a blessing. That lovely man and I were married, and I was the happiest I've ever been! Six years after we were married, my husband died suddenly and unexpectedly. That sent me into a grief and depression I did not think I would ever get through.
Yet here I am, speaking to you from the other side of both of those losses. Life isn't perfect--it never is, but I'm good! You will get through all of this and live to be very, very happy again
We are here to cheer you on! 
I'm sorry you're in so much pain. I get it...really! You are grieving, and grief is a funny thing. It's both physical and mental. It comes in waves. One moment you will feel OK, and the next you will feel as if there is no point in getting out of bed.
My first husband decided he liked another woman better than he liked me, had an affair, threw it in my face, and divorced me. I felt worthless and unlovable in ways that would be impossible to describe. It took counseling for a couple of years to get past that.
About 7 years after the divorce, I met a wonderful man. Truly the best thing that ever happened to me--a blessing. That lovely man and I were married, and I was the happiest I've ever been! Six years after we were married, my husband died suddenly and unexpectedly. That sent me into a grief and depression I did not think I would ever get through.
Yet here I am, speaking to you from the other side of both of those losses. Life isn't perfect--it never is, but I'm good! You will get through all of this and live to be very, very happy again
We are here to cheer you on! Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2019
Posts: 868
Originally Posted by Seren
Oh dazed
I'm sorry you're in so much pain. I get it...really! You are grieving, and grief is a funny thing. It's both physical and mental. It comes in waves. One moment you will feel OK, and the next you will feel as if there is no point in getting out of bed.
My first husband decided he liked another woman better than he liked me, had an affair, threw it in my face, and divorced me. I felt worthless and unlovable in ways that would be impossible to describe. It took counseling for a couple of years to get past that.
About 7 years after the divorce, I met a wonderful man. Truly the best thing that ever happened to me--a blessing. That lovely man and I were married, and I was the happiest I've ever been! Six years after we were married, my husband died suddenly and unexpectedly. That sent me into a grief and depression I did not think I would ever get through.
Yet here I am, speaking to you from the other side of both of those losses. Life isn't perfect--it never is, but I'm good! You will get through all of this and live to be very, very happy again We are here to cheer you on!
I'm sorry you're in so much pain. I get it...really! You are grieving, and grief is a funny thing. It's both physical and mental. It comes in waves. One moment you will feel OK, and the next you will feel as if there is no point in getting out of bed.
My first husband decided he liked another woman better than he liked me, had an affair, threw it in my face, and divorced me. I felt worthless and unlovable in ways that would be impossible to describe. It took counseling for a couple of years to get past that.
About 7 years after the divorce, I met a wonderful man. Truly the best thing that ever happened to me--a blessing. That lovely man and I were married, and I was the happiest I've ever been! Six years after we were married, my husband died suddenly and unexpectedly. That sent me into a grief and depression I did not think I would ever get through.
Yet here I am, speaking to you from the other side of both of those losses. Life isn't perfect--it never is, but I'm good! You will get through all of this and live to be very, very happy again
We are here to cheer you on! Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
I can totally relate to the, "WTH? I fired three hundred warning shots. Now I'm done and you want to do something about it? TOO LATE," but yet feeling like, "What if this is it and he becomes Prince Charming and someone else gets the benefits?" and then, "NO I'm D.O.N.E.!!!!"
Back and forth. Round and round in my head. You are going through what I've read and heard so many times, and in my own head when I made the decision to leave. It's excruciating and irritating and confusing and, "Just go already."
Write down all the crazy he's done and keep reading it, and keep adding to it when you start romanticizing the past. Then get busy building your own happy life full of the things you want to do. I limit the time I allow myself to wallow in worry to 10 minutes a day, then move on to something else. Set a timer if I have to. Write it out. Any other time during the day I start thinking, I tell myself, "I'll deal with this in the Worry Session."
You're going to be SO glad you did this.
Stay the course, lovely. Stay the course.
Back and forth. Round and round in my head. You are going through what I've read and heard so many times, and in my own head when I made the decision to leave. It's excruciating and irritating and confusing and, "Just go already."
Write down all the crazy he's done and keep reading it, and keep adding to it when you start romanticizing the past. Then get busy building your own happy life full of the things you want to do. I limit the time I allow myself to wallow in worry to 10 minutes a day, then move on to something else. Set a timer if I have to. Write it out. Any other time during the day I start thinking, I tell myself, "I'll deal with this in the Worry Session."
You're going to be SO glad you did this.
Stay the course, lovely. Stay the course.
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Join Date: Jul 2019
Posts: 868
Originally Posted by biminiblue
I can totally relate to the, "WTH? I fired three hundred warning shots. Now I'm done and you want to do something about it? TOO LATE," but yet feeling like, "What if this is it and he becomes Prince Charming and someone else gets the benefits?" and then, "NO I'm D.O.N.E.!!!!"
Back and forth. Round and round in my head. You are going through what I've read and heard so many times, and in my own head when I made the decision to leave. It's excruciating and irritating and confusing and, "Just go already."
You're going to be SO glad you did this.
Stay the course, lovely. Stay the course.
Back and forth. Round and round in my head. You are going through what I've read and heard so many times, and in my own head when I made the decision to leave. It's excruciating and irritating and confusing and, "Just go already."
You're going to be SO glad you did this.
Stay the course, lovely. Stay the course.
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Posts: 868
Originally Posted by biminiblue
you're quick, D&C. My edit wasn't fast enough.
I have to stop doing that.
I have to stop doing that.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Please don't let someone else's illness define your worth, DC! Part of my ex-husband's issues were unresolved FOO problems. He had never sought counseling even though I encouraged him to do so over the years. Once I moved out and refused to reconcile during one of his fits of regret, he finally began to seek help and take much needed anxiety meds. Go figure.
But, it wasn't that I was "bad" for him, it was just a watershed moment in his life that finally got him to seek help. And frankly, even with counseling and meds, the damage to my trust in him was done. There was no going back.
But, it wasn't that I was "bad" for him, it was just a watershed moment in his life that finally got him to seek help. And frankly, even with counseling and meds, the damage to my trust in him was done. There was no going back.
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Join Date: Jul 2019
Posts: 868
Originally Posted by Seren
Please don't let someone else's illness define your worth, DC! Part of my ex-husband's issues were unresolved FOO problems. He had never sought counseling even though I encouraged him to do so over the years. Once I moved out and refused to reconcile during one of his fits of regret, he finally began to seek help and take much needed anxiety meds. Go figure.
But, it wasn't that I was "bad" for him, it was just a watershed moment in his life that finally got him to seek help. And frankly, even with counseling and meds, the damage to my trust in him was done. There was no going back.
But, it wasn't that I was "bad" for him, it was just a watershed moment in his life that finally got him to seek help. And frankly, even with counseling and meds, the damage to my trust in him was done. There was no going back.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,424
He still isn't getting sober for him--do you see that?
Until he he truly wants it for himself it will fail and he will relapse. He may never want it bad enough to do the work. Many never quit.
You need some space and time to get perspective and heal a little. You are so deeply enmeshed when he thrashes you hurt for yourself and him.
This is untenable and nothing to build a future on.
If you want hope, proceed with divorce and tell him you will meet him for lunch after he has at least one full year of recovery.
If he "can't deal with life" do you really want to carry him through it?
Alcoholism is progressive untreated. What you are living through now is most likely as good as it will get and go downhill from here.
For him to have a fighting chance he also must have the opportunity to stand on his own two feet and face his consequences. Letting him go and and facing the fear he may fail is real love in my view.
Let go any way you can now, and you can always let go with love.
Until he he truly wants it for himself it will fail and he will relapse. He may never want it bad enough to do the work. Many never quit.
You need some space and time to get perspective and heal a little. You are so deeply enmeshed when he thrashes you hurt for yourself and him.
This is untenable and nothing to build a future on.
If you want hope, proceed with divorce and tell him you will meet him for lunch after he has at least one full year of recovery.
If he "can't deal with life" do you really want to carry him through it?
Alcoholism is progressive untreated. What you are living through now is most likely as good as it will get and go downhill from here.
For him to have a fighting chance he also must have the opportunity to stand on his own two feet and face his consequences. Letting him go and and facing the fear he may fail is real love in my view.
Let go any way you can now, and you can always let go with love.
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Join Date: Jul 2019
Posts: 868
Originally Posted by Hawkeye13
He still isn't getting sober for him--do you see that?
Until he he truly wants it for himself it will fail and he will relapse. He may never want it bad enough to do the work. Many never quit.
You need some space and time to get perspective and heal a little. You are so deeply enmeshed when he thrashes you hurt for yourself and him.
This is untenable and nothing to build a future on.
If you want hope, proceed with divorce and tell him you will meet him for lunch after he has at least one full year of recovery.
If he "can't deal with life" do you really want to carry him through it?
Alcoholism is progressive untreated. What you are living through now is most likely as good as it will get and go downhill from here.
For him to have a fighting chance he also must have the opportunity to stand on his own two feet and face his consequences. Letting him go and and facing the fear he may fail is real love in my view.
Let go any way you can now, and you can always let go with love.
Until he he truly wants it for himself it will fail and he will relapse. He may never want it bad enough to do the work. Many never quit.
You need some space and time to get perspective and heal a little. You are so deeply enmeshed when he thrashes you hurt for yourself and him.
This is untenable and nothing to build a future on.
If you want hope, proceed with divorce and tell him you will meet him for lunch after he has at least one full year of recovery.
If he "can't deal with life" do you really want to carry him through it?
Alcoholism is progressive untreated. What you are living through now is most likely as good as it will get and go downhill from here.
For him to have a fighting chance he also must have the opportunity to stand on his own two feet and face his consequences. Letting him go and and facing the fear he may fail is real love in my view.
Let go any way you can now, and you can always let go with love.
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