Healingbegins

I haven't posted on here since 2015. I re read some posts and boy was I optimistic! Fast forward 4 years later and I forgot that I even had a place here! In the last 4 years my husbands alcohol abuse has not gotten any better, its gotten worse.
A few months ago he went into cardiac arrest. Luckily I was home, he was one of few that survive the widow maker. I thought this would be a great turning point in his life. He died 3 times and God gave him life again, 3 times. For 2 weeks he did not drink. It was so wonderful. Then he started reading on the internet about how long he has to live after surviving a cardiac arrest. He says it is 3 years so he is going to choose what he wants to do and that want is drinking it up. No dr has ever told him this. They have said change diet, quit drinking, quit smoking and you will do just fine. He has taken it upon himself to walk the path of destruction. His triglycerides and liver enzymes are through the roof but he still says hes just fine.
He has proceeded to drink as much as he can. He has started lying about it, hiding it, and becoming very confused when drunk. He takes nitro while drinking when his chest starts hurting and then drinks some more.
We have 2 teenagers at home that I am trying to juggle. I feel like the worst mom ever. On one hand I try to be there for them. On the other I am constantly worried about his drinking, if he will die again on my watch. The anxiety is getting to be too much to bear and I feel it just isn't fair to my kids. I have stopped going to dr appointments with him because I get mad listening to him lie to them. No matter what I say he has a reason why he should drink.
He drinks and drinks and then comes to me excessively sweating, complaining of chest pain, says he can't breathe. I've watched him die once already but he pretends to be having a heart attack when I ignore him when he's drunk. Then if I don't respond the way he wants he says I don't care. I am at a complete loss.
Financially, at the moment, I can't afford to leave but I have given him a choice. By Saturday he has to decide if he is going to clean it up or continue his path. If he continues I am taking my kids and moving on.
I guess I'm really just venting on here because my anxiety is getting too high. I am looking for anyone who has dealt with this sort of thing before. Normally you read stories about people who have life changing experiences and it changes their whole perspective for the better. My husband has taken a major turn for the worse. He can't understand why I'm being like this. I have really distanced myself from him lately. It feels kind of immature of me but I really don't want much to do with him lately. That is such an awful feeling. I feel lost right now. Thank you for listening. If anyone has experienced this, any advice would be great. Thanks again.

SparkleKitty

I actually think your story is the much more "normal" one we read around here, where a catastrophic event only has a temporary change on the alcoholic's behavior.

You can't control his behavior, or give him the desire to change. I think your plan to prioritize yourself and your kids is a wise one.

MindfulMan

Examples abound on this site of people who stopped drinking when they got such a wake-up call.

Unfortunately, examples such as your husband are also very common.

I had an alcoholic living with me who I was finally supporting. It started out with temporary paying rent until he became unable to work and started drinking around the clock. I finally kicked him out and told him point blank that it had nothing to do with his non-payment of rent, but that I couldn't sit back and watch him drink himself to death. He moved back to Bakersfield, his sister bought him a house and supported him while he started painting. Less than 18 months later he died of a massive heart attack at 49 (he had bad heart issues on both sides of his family as well).

I can't be all that holier than thou, as this was 2011 and I didn't get sober myself until 2017, although I did stop drinking for nearly a year and drank relatively normally for a few years after that.

Only the addict can decide when they will stop.

PeacefulWater12

I often wondered if my AH had some sort of emergency medical problem, would I give First Aid and phone an ambulance. Or walk away and leave him to die.

I got my answer when he did indeed have a problem, he was choking on some food, couldn't breathe. Without hesitating, I gave First Aid and called an ambulance. He survived. He had a stroke some time later, I reacted the same way.

It is such a roller coaster of emotions being with an A. I have heard others share at Al-anon meetings that they also wonder if they would leave their AH to die or get help.

SoloMio

AH has been chronically alcoholic his whole life except for 4-5 years in the early 2000s. We bought a small cabin on a lake last year--his drinking escalated to the point where by the time we were ready to leave the summer house, in October, he was pretty sick--orthostatic hypotension (due to drinking) caused him to pass out and drive into a ditch--miraculously the sheriff never detected his BAC, which the hospital tested and found to be 1.9. He was never charged with DUI.

He stopped drinking, and the whole winter was devoted to getting him back to health--he had anemia, ascites, back pain, infections and rashes--yet all the time his blood labs were improving to normal: albumin, bilirubin, INR/PT, all normal, but he does have advanced cirrhosis. Since January, we've been to PCPs, gastroenterologists, hematologists, hepatologists, pulmonologists and dermatologists.

By June he was feeling almost normal, and then we came back up to the lake, and within 2 weeks he was drinking again. This time his drinking is an immediate threat to his life. It is so disappointing to see him fall back into his old ways despite his knowing the consequences. "Disappointing" is an understatement but I'm afraid to feel what I'm really feeling.

I understand your frustration and ambivalence. In our case, the "life-changing" wake-up call only lasted 7 months. I have told all the kids that if he drinks, he will die. I don't think they completely understand.

SmallButMighty

I know what it feels like to watch someone you love poisoning themselves to death. My grandparents and Dad both died from their poor choices. My alcoholic EXhusband probably will too unless he decides to do the hard work of getting healthy.

About ten years ago or so, when we were still married, he had to be transported from work by ambulance due to atrial fibrillation (irregular and rapid heart beat) The doctors tried a few things to regulate it, but nothing they did worked so they had to sedate him and apply the paddles to zap his heart back into the correct rhythm. After that he stopped eating salt, cut way back on animal fats, stopped consuming caffeine, got more exercise etc...all the things that you should do for heart health... guess what he didn't stop doing? If you guessed "drinking copious amounts of vodka" you would be correct.

A couple years after that he got a DUI.

He became suicidal because he hated himself.

None of these events stopped him from drinking...AND he has repeated ALL of those things since we divorced.... still he continues to drink. I have heard he is white knuckling "sobriety" again now, but with him that is part of the cycle, he will be back on the bottle soon. He is only not drinking because his girlfriend threatened to leave. That's a road I went down with him a million times...it's a crappy road...littered with vodka bottles and tears.

I am so sorry you are living through this with your husband. I remember it well, it was horrendous.

I would never advise someone to leave their alcoholic spouse. But leaving mine was the right thing for me to do. My life is abundantly better now that his chaos and poison aren't a part of it. I will always have love in my heart for the man, he is the father of my children and we spent 26 years as a couple... but I love him from a distance now, because loving him up close damn near took me down. It wasn't easy and it hurt like hell, but leaving that marriage saved my sanity and quite possibly my life.

Sasha1972

Unfortunately my experience is similar - ex had a heart attack and was told the drinking had damaged the muscle tissue of the heart (cardiomyopathy) and he would most likely either die or need a pacemaker within five years if he continued drinking. He continued drinking and he died, a couple of years ahead of schedule. Autopsy results are still pending but the coroner noted marked cardiomegaly (heart is enlarged because the muscle tissue has become weakened and therefore less “elastic” - so if any minor fibrillation or tachycardia occurs, the heart can’t re-regulate itself to beat properly and dissolves into random quivering - it “arrests”). Some of the symptoms that I and others noted in ex before his death, like bloating, excessive sweating on exertion, and confusion, may have been signs of heart failure, as the cardiomegalic heart can’t pump as strongly or efficiently and can’t distribute oxygen to the body.

Healingbegins

While I hate to hear that many of you have been through this, it is comforting to know that I'm not alone. Last night he decided to "punish" me by drinking an entire bottle of vodka. He says now the doctors won't know that he is drinking because vodka doesn't raise triglyceride levels. Normally I would research that but I am at the point of not caring. He layed in bed and told me how he had taken 4 extra Coreg along with his vodka, to put his total intake to 6 pills in a day and that it was so nice. Then he proceeded to beat on the left side of his chest. I'm guessing to get me thinking that his heart was stopping? I don't know. I went into the living room to sleep.
I know everyone is different but if this happened to me I would most definitely change things. I couldn't stand to leave my kids.
He told me that he has made his decision and that he is choosing not to change for me or anyone. I'm not upset, just disappointed. The alcohol is just too important and I can't compete and I'm tired of watching my kids esteem decline because of it.
He was told that if his heart didn't heal then he would be having an internal defibrillator placed in his chest. They have not done another echo and I don't know if they intend to. They have never told him he will not live a long life but I can feel it in my gut that he will have a year if he keeps this up. It makes me sad for my kids and sad that this is what happens after 20 years together.
I am so grateful to all of you who are on here. I don't feel so alone. Thank you again so very much. It's going to be a long road.

Healingbegins

And yes, vodka is now his choice of drink. I'm not sure why. He also sweats excessively even when not exerting and his face swells and his color turns to a pale gray. It is horrendous, and scary, and mind boggling to me. He has damage from the cardiac arrest already. I can't imagine that it has gotten much better. I don't understand how a liquid can cause so much damage to people's lives, but it does it well. Sad sad sad.

Ariesagain

Oh, HB, that’s awful. He’s not supposed to take extra Coreg EVER, and it specifically says not to combine it with alcohol. Or to take it if you have liver disease, which makes me wonder what he’s told his doctors.

As for the triglycerides, that’s just one of the levels they’d be monitoring for heart disease, so not sure why he’s fixated on that.

He’s playing Russian roulette, but you know that. It may be that he checks out sooner than later, so I guess you’re prepared for that. But what a god awful thing to have to witness.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Sending you a big hug.

Ariesagain

It may be that his doctors know exactly what he’s doing and are throwing up their hands. A defibrillator won’t fix his liver or give his heart a get out of jail free card.

Life is for the living, yes? Focus on you and your kids having your best life.

Have another hug.

Sasha1972

I am really so sorry to read about this. It sounds like he's made his decision not to do what he needs to do in order to live, and you're now just in the phase of waiting for his body to catch up.

Sweating, grey and bloated - yes, I remember that. It's pretty much to be expected, but awful nonetheless. I hope that when the end comes, it happens fast so his kids don't have to witness too much more disfigurement.

I understand that vodka has a reputation among alcoholics as a drink of choice - in the early stages, it's because vodka is (said to be) odorless and therefore it doesn't show to the casual observer; in the later stages it's because vodka provides the fastest way to get the maximum amount of alcohol into the bloodstream as cheaply as possible - no more messing around with being a connoisseur of fine wines or whiskeys.

LovePeaceSushi

That is emotional abuse and manipulation, healingbegins, plain and simple. I'm glad you didn't take the bait and play into the game. Good for you.

I would imagine you may find yourself detaching more as he continues to disregard doctors recommendations and drink himself into an early grave. I would think that would be almost necessary, because watching a loved one do that is just heartbreaking.

PeacefulWater12

Sorry you are in this situation. My AH has heart failure, neuropathy & diabetes caused by his drinking. He has been warned many times by the doctors that it will kill him soon. He has been offered rehab, counselling etc.

He decided to continue to drink.

pdm22

It’s heartbreaking to watch. Even though on the one hand you know the addiction is running the show, it just so senseless. I know one person where the mindset is basically, I’ve woken up every other time I shouldn’t have, so...let’s just continue to take the risk. It’s like watching some sort of substance abuse Houdini (and the ending usually does end up like Houdini’s if the person doesn’t come to his/ her senses and stop it).

And the more the person becomes powerless over the addiction, on the flip side, there comes this delusional sense of omnipotence and immortality. It’s craziness, and for the person witnessing it, you’re basically watching someone slowly poison themselves. Or quickly, depending on the individual circumstance. :/

ScaryTime