This time last year..
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Join Date: Oct 2018
Posts: 221
This time last year..
So this morning I was up bright and early at 6am. I went for a five mile run and I’m now ready to start the day with a spring in my step. It’s such a gorgeous day. But let’s talk about this exact time last year.
This time last year I was off work sick due to a broken arm which was caused by a drunken fall. With the time off work I was drinking around the clock and probably consuming about a large bottle of spirits every day. I was on a break in my relationship which was my idea so I could hide the state that I was in. I hadn’t eaten for a week and my body was going into constant withdrawals. It’s a miracle I didn’t have a seizure but I felt like I was always on the edge of one. I was getting around 2 hours of sleep every night and having terrifying auditory hallucinations and night sweats. I was vomiting bile and passing dark tarry stools sometimes five times an hour and yet still drinking to stop my body from going into shock. I was on the phone to helplines and doctors crying and begging them to help me. I can’t imagine how hysterical I must’ve sounded to the people I was speaking to. I wanted to stop drinking but I could sense I was in a danger zone and I didn’t know what to do. I was sometimes showering up to 5 times a day to try and get rid of the horrible stench coming from my pores but it didn’t make a difference as I was constantly sweating stale alcohol. I was convinced I was suffering from wet brain and I would never be the same again. My eyes and skin were yellow and my belly was descended. In the end I called myself a cab to the hospital where I sat in a&e for 5 hours. When the nurse called my name I could barely stand. They put me on a drip, did some bloods and sent me on my way telling me to keep drinking.
I somehow managed to taper over the course of a few days after that. I remember pacing the floor in my bedroom all night debating calling an ambulance. I was terrified if I sat down or closed my eyes I wouldn’t wake up again.
That still wasn’t my last rodeo. I carried on drinking until the end of last year and went through withdrawal again one more time. I know it’s good to focus on the good things in sobriety but I wanted to write this out and share it because I can feel myself becoming complacent. The girl that went through this feels like a completely different person. I’m in such a good place now that it’s hard to believe that was me but IT WAS ME. I need to remember that was me when I have the fleeting thought that a glass of Chardonnay would be nice in the sun. I am so lucky that I didn’t lose my home, job, relationship and ultimately my life and I never want to go back to that place in hell ever again.
This time last year I was off work sick due to a broken arm which was caused by a drunken fall. With the time off work I was drinking around the clock and probably consuming about a large bottle of spirits every day. I was on a break in my relationship which was my idea so I could hide the state that I was in. I hadn’t eaten for a week and my body was going into constant withdrawals. It’s a miracle I didn’t have a seizure but I felt like I was always on the edge of one. I was getting around 2 hours of sleep every night and having terrifying auditory hallucinations and night sweats. I was vomiting bile and passing dark tarry stools sometimes five times an hour and yet still drinking to stop my body from going into shock. I was on the phone to helplines and doctors crying and begging them to help me. I can’t imagine how hysterical I must’ve sounded to the people I was speaking to. I wanted to stop drinking but I could sense I was in a danger zone and I didn’t know what to do. I was sometimes showering up to 5 times a day to try and get rid of the horrible stench coming from my pores but it didn’t make a difference as I was constantly sweating stale alcohol. I was convinced I was suffering from wet brain and I would never be the same again. My eyes and skin were yellow and my belly was descended. In the end I called myself a cab to the hospital where I sat in a&e for 5 hours. When the nurse called my name I could barely stand. They put me on a drip, did some bloods and sent me on my way telling me to keep drinking.
I somehow managed to taper over the course of a few days after that. I remember pacing the floor in my bedroom all night debating calling an ambulance. I was terrified if I sat down or closed my eyes I wouldn’t wake up again.
That still wasn’t my last rodeo. I carried on drinking until the end of last year and went through withdrawal again one more time. I know it’s good to focus on the good things in sobriety but I wanted to write this out and share it because I can feel myself becoming complacent. The girl that went through this feels like a completely different person. I’m in such a good place now that it’s hard to believe that was me but IT WAS ME. I need to remember that was me when I have the fleeting thought that a glass of Chardonnay would be nice in the sun. I am so lucky that I didn’t lose my home, job, relationship and ultimately my life and I never want to go back to that place in hell ever again.
Last edited by noaddedsugar; 07-23-2019 at 12:39 AM. Reason: spelling
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Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 1,614
Wow flash back. I too remember the withdrawal I went thru as well. Fact I will never forget. But thru the grace of my higher power whom I finally begged for help. Pulled me out of the vicious cycle I kept self inflicting myself . that was 80 days ago. Which I why I use the play the tape method when an itch comes about. And Again thru. The grace I am well on my road to recovery. One day at a time. Thank you for sharing. Many blessings to you and all who seek the relief of that bondage. Keep coming back.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: London, England
Posts: 7,059
Great post and well done!
I am guessing you are in the UK? I was drinking a minimum of 70cl of vodka a day. I eventually presented myself at A&E only to be told the same as you ~ go home and keep drinking. I did for another 2 years, I found it near on impossible to taper. Plus what better than to be told by a doctor to keep drinking...
Somehow I am now 9 months sober, can't even explain how as it is all a haze.
Keep doing what your doing.
I am guessing you are in the UK? I was drinking a minimum of 70cl of vodka a day. I eventually presented myself at A&E only to be told the same as you ~ go home and keep drinking. I did for another 2 years, I found it near on impossible to taper. Plus what better than to be told by a doctor to keep drinking...
Somehow I am now 9 months sober, can't even explain how as it is all a haze.
Keep doing what your doing.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2018
Posts: 221
Happy to share! I guess in some ways I’ve tried to blank this experience out because it was such a hard time. I think forcing myself to go back and face the way things were has put me in a bit of a somber mood today but I do feel it’s important.
Indeed I am in the UK. I was very shocked to find that’s the way they do things here! The moment you realise you are physically dependent on alcohol is terrifying. You’re right it’s almost impossible for an alcoholic to taper and I found it so ironic to be told to go home and carry on drinking and essentially poisoning/killing myself slowly. The system here is extremely messed up. That was the second time I ended up in hospital due to alcohol withdrawal. The first time I was worse and experiencing a kind of delirium where I thought I was in a coma. The drug and alcohol nurse assessed me and gave me a dose of Librium and sent me on my way although I did have people with me then I’m not sure if that made a difference.
Well done on your 9 months - that’s amazing I think I do remember reading one of your old threads actually and thinking about how much I could relate. Vodka is the devil itself!
Originally Posted by Kaily 
Great post and well done!
I am guessing you are in the UK? I was drinking a minimum of 70cl of vodka a day. I eventually presented myself at A&E only to be told the same as you ~ go home and keep drinking. I did for another 2 years, I found it near on impossible to taper. Plus what better than to be told by a doctor to keep drinking...
Somehow I am now 9 months sober, can't even explain how as it is all a haze.
Keep doing what your doing.
I am guessing you are in the UK? I was drinking a minimum of 70cl of vodka a day. I eventually presented myself at A&E only to be told the same as you ~ go home and keep drinking. I did for another 2 years, I found it near on impossible to taper. Plus what better than to be told by a doctor to keep drinking...
Somehow I am now 9 months sober, can't even explain how as it is all a haze.
Keep doing what your doing.
Well done on your 9 months - that’s amazing
I think I do remember reading one of your old threads actually and thinking about how much I could relate. Vodka is the devil itself!
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
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This is a great post, Noaddedsugar! Congratulations on your recovery.
I know what you mean about looking back. Sometimes it seems unreal to me that I went through what I did and survived. I'm glad you are doing so well.
I know what you mean about looking back. Sometimes it seems unreal to me that I went through what I did and survived. I'm glad you are doing so well.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Warwick RI
Posts: 1,276
Thank you ..Thank you...Thank you....
Your story is probably very similar if not exact to others stories and mine.
I have a month...your post just gave me further inspiration to stay sober..I want to look BACK and have this difficult time be further away from me and in the past.
Congratulations...
Your story is probably very similar if not exact to others stories and mine.
I have a month...your post just gave me further inspiration to stay sober..I want to look BACK and have this difficult time be further away from me and in the past.
Congratulations...
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 316
Thank you for sharing. Sometimes when we reflect on where we came from we can better appreciate where we are.
I remember journaling about my first day sober so that I could reread and never forget that feeling. I still drank again but finally found sobriety.
I remember journaling about my first day sober so that I could reread and never forget that feeling. I still drank again but finally found sobriety.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: Boston MA
Posts: 726
Originally Posted by noaddedsugar
So this morning I was up bright and early at 6am. I went for a five mile run and I’m now ready to start the day with a spring in my step. It’s such a gorgeous day. But let’s talk about this exact time last year.
This time last year I was off work sick due to a broken arm which was caused by a drunken fall. With the time off work I was drinking around the clock and probably consuming about a large bottle of spirits every day. I was on a break in my relationship which was my idea so I could hide the state that I was in. I hadn’t eaten for a week and my body was going into constant withdrawals. It’s a miracle I didn’t have a seizure but I felt like I was always on the edge of one. I was getting around 2 hours of sleep every night and having terrifying auditory hallucinations and night sweats. I was vomiting bile and passing dark tarry stools sometimes five times an hour and yet still drinking to stop my body from going into shock. I was on the phone to helplines and doctors crying and begging them to help me. I can’t imagine how hysterical I must’ve sounded to the people I was speaking to. I wanted to stop drinking but I could sense I was in a danger zone and I didn’t know what to do. I was sometimes showering up to 5 times a day to try and get rid of the horrible stench coming from my pores but it didn’t make a difference as I was constantly sweating stale alcohol. I was convinced I was suffering from wet brain and I would never be the same again. My eyes and skin were yellow and my belly was descended. In the end I called myself a cab to the hospital where I sat in a&e for 5 hours. When the nurse called my name I could barely stand. They put me on a drip, did some bloods and sent me on my way telling me to keep drinking.
I somehow managed to taper over the course of a few days after that. I remember pacing the floor in my bedroom all night debating calling an ambulance. I was terrified if I sat down or closed my eyes I wouldn’t wake up again.
That still wasn’t my last rodeo. I carried on drinking until the end of last year and went through withdrawal again one more time. I know it’s good to focus on the good things in sobriety but I wanted to write this out and share it because I can feel myself becoming complacent. The girl that went through this feels like a completely different person. I’m in such a good place now that it’s hard to believe that was me but IT WAS ME. I need to remember that was me when I have the fleeting thought that a glass of Chardonnay would be nice in the sun. I am so lucky that I didn’t lose my home, job, relationship and ultimately my life and I never want to go back to that place in hell ever again.
This time last year I was off work sick due to a broken arm which was caused by a drunken fall. With the time off work I was drinking around the clock and probably consuming about a large bottle of spirits every day. I was on a break in my relationship which was my idea so I could hide the state that I was in. I hadn’t eaten for a week and my body was going into constant withdrawals. It’s a miracle I didn’t have a seizure but I felt like I was always on the edge of one. I was getting around 2 hours of sleep every night and having terrifying auditory hallucinations and night sweats. I was vomiting bile and passing dark tarry stools sometimes five times an hour and yet still drinking to stop my body from going into shock. I was on the phone to helplines and doctors crying and begging them to help me. I can’t imagine how hysterical I must’ve sounded to the people I was speaking to. I wanted to stop drinking but I could sense I was in a danger zone and I didn’t know what to do. I was sometimes showering up to 5 times a day to try and get rid of the horrible stench coming from my pores but it didn’t make a difference as I was constantly sweating stale alcohol. I was convinced I was suffering from wet brain and I would never be the same again. My eyes and skin were yellow and my belly was descended. In the end I called myself a cab to the hospital where I sat in a&e for 5 hours. When the nurse called my name I could barely stand. They put me on a drip, did some bloods and sent me on my way telling me to keep drinking.
I somehow managed to taper over the course of a few days after that. I remember pacing the floor in my bedroom all night debating calling an ambulance. I was terrified if I sat down or closed my eyes I wouldn’t wake up again.
That still wasn’t my last rodeo. I carried on drinking until the end of last year and went through withdrawal again one more time. I know it’s good to focus on the good things in sobriety but I wanted to write this out and share it because I can feel myself becoming complacent. The girl that went through this feels like a completely different person. I’m in such a good place now that it’s hard to believe that was me but IT WAS ME. I need to remember that was me when I have the fleeting thought that a glass of Chardonnay would be nice in the sun. I am so lucky that I didn’t lose my home, job, relationship and ultimately my life and I never want to go back to that place in hell ever again.
I went through pretty much h$ll last week. Except I did not shower. I was to weak. I tapered off myself on Day 2. I can not go through that again. I too afraid to close my eyes... body would jolt and feel like heart would explode. It is poison to our system. I did lose my job again. Relationship in the gutter...I still have my life and my mother is going to help me pay August rent now that I am Sober I have all ready lined up a few interviews. The most important thing is I still have my life. I am clearheaded and grateful. Detoxing from alcohol has to be one of the worst feelings in the world
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Join Date: Oct 2018
Posts: 221
Originally Posted by faith823
I am so very very happy to hear you are in such a better place today.
I went through pretty much h$ll last week. Except I did not shower. I was to weak. I tapered off myself on Day 2. I can not go through that again. I too afraid to close my eyes... body would jolt and feel like heart would explode. It is poison to our system. I did lose my job again. Relationship in the gutter...I still have my life and my mother is going to help me pay August rent now that I am Sober I have all ready lined up a few interviews. The most important thing is I still have my life. I am clearheaded and grateful. Detoxing from alcohol has to be one of the worst feelings in the world
I went through pretty much h$ll last week. Except I did not shower. I was to weak. I tapered off myself on Day 2. I can not go through that again. I too afraid to close my eyes... body would jolt and feel like heart would explode. It is poison to our system. I did lose my job again. Relationship in the gutter...I still have my life and my mother is going to help me pay August rent now that I am Sober I have all ready lined up a few interviews. The most important thing is I still have my life. I am clearheaded and grateful. Detoxing from alcohol has to be one of the worst feelings in the world
Thankyou to everyone for your replies and well wishes. I really did feel so alone until I found this forum as it helps to know there are people who have been in my shoes. Even though I barely post I lurk every day and it helps me loads coming on here and knowing it’s not a solo struggle. I actually did used to post way more but the screen on my laptop broke and I haven’t bothered to get it fixed. I’d rather type on a keyboard than my phone!
Love to you all
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Join Date: Jul 2019
Posts: 710
Originally Posted by noaddedsugar
Happy to share! I guess in some ways I’ve tried to blank this experience out because it was such a hard time. I think forcing myself to go back and face the way things were has put me in a bit of a somber mood today but I do feel it’s important.
Indeed I am in the UK. I was very shocked to find that’s the way they do things here! The moment you realise you are physically dependent on alcohol is terrifying. You’re right it’s almost impossible for an alcoholic to taper and I found it so ironic to be told to go home and carry on drinking and essentially poisoning/killing myself slowly. The system here is extremely messed up. That was the second time I ended up in hospital due to alcohol withdrawal. The first time I was worse and experiencing a kind of delirium where I thought I was in a coma. The drug and alcohol nurse assessed me and gave me a dose of Librium and sent me on my way although I did have people with me then I’m not sure if that made a difference.
Well done on your 9 months - that’s amazing I think I do remember reading one of your old threads actually and thinking about how much I could relate. Vodka is the devil itself!
Indeed I am in the UK. I was very shocked to find that’s the way they do things here! The moment you realise you are physically dependent on alcohol is terrifying. You’re right it’s almost impossible for an alcoholic to taper and I found it so ironic to be told to go home and carry on drinking and essentially poisoning/killing myself slowly. The system here is extremely messed up. That was the second time I ended up in hospital due to alcohol withdrawal. The first time I was worse and experiencing a kind of delirium where I thought I was in a coma. The drug and alcohol nurse assessed me and gave me a dose of Librium and sent me on my way although I did have people with me then I’m not sure if that made a difference.
Well done on your 9 months - that’s amazing
I think I do remember reading one of your old threads actually and thinking about how much I could relate. Vodka is the devil itself!I am really glad you made it a full year. Following from far behind.
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