A Highway of Emotions & A Jackson Pollock Mind
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Join Date: Mar 2019
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A Highway of Emotions & A Jackson Pollock Mind
Every night I perform my rituals, one of them is writing about this journey. Thought I would share one of my writings with my SR family 
Today was a normal day, got up, felt exhausted and slightly anxious but all in all, happy. It didn't feel like a Sunday, to be honest, the days feel like they are melting together. The only things on my mind is get through it, be strong and that I am so grateful to be in this mindset currently.
I thought a lot today, about things that both excited and scared me. It seems the mind goes into worry overdrive when under stress, which is counter productive. So I decided to listen to the guru, the calming voice of consciousness; Deepak Chopra. I had always heard about him, saw him on TV or saw a book in the window of a store. I never thought I would make him one of the weapons of mass reconstruction in my arsenal against the conditioned mind. He is all powerful and listening to him gives me a sense that I will be alright. He brings me back to the moment of clarity, of Now.
This week's listen was based on Mindfulness and how we wire and re-wire our Brains. It was Deepak's incredible podcast, Infinite Potential and the episode today was called, "You Are Not Your Brain." It was interesting to choose this topic because it seems that this is exactly what I am battling right now. Probably the Universe handing me a little treat in the form of a coincidence. Thanks U.
Deepak and Rebecca Gladding, MD dove deep into the conversation of whether to believe our brains, our thoughts and the constructs we create everyday that become our realities. Should we accept it as our final reality, or can we sculpt the brain and change our perspectives on our experiences? How can we prove that our Selves, the True reality, is not found in our brain?
This caught my attention in a big way. At my most anxious, my thoughts remind me of a highway; thoughts about one topic are racing past thoughts on another. A worry barrels in the opposite direction while a memory turns off the highway. Fear is the ambulance gaining speed behind you, shrieking and wailing with it's lights flashing, blinding you. This chaotic mashup of thoughts and feelings result in my anxiety catapulting through the roof and I am immediately experiencing a physical manifestation of it; sweats, heart racing, shaking and the most obvious, a look of intense concentration that is far away, focusing only on that highway in my mind. I pray for some break in it, take deep breathes and try to get out of it. Of my brain. A very difficult thing to do and for someone who has never experienced this, it is immobilizing and terrifying.
I am trying to understand how to become ever present and self-aware. For the past year I have worked on this, by meditating (which I suck at, monkey mind), chanting a mantra, counting my breathes and doing guided meditations. In some moments I was able to catch my mind. Eckhart Tolle says it best in The Power Of Now, "Try to think of the mind as a hyperactive child. Watch it, laugh at its absurdity and ignore the tantrum." This is really hard to do! Try for one minute to close your eyes and watch your thoughts. See how long you can do it. Follow Eckhart's suggestion to "Ask yourself, 'What will my next thought be?"" For a split, amazing second, you will experience...Nothing. Feel that? Now what did you feel at that moment? Not what did you think. HOW did you feel? I felt peaceful, calm, still and content. Like a lake very early in the morning, with a light mist standing perfectly still over glass-like water. Unmoving. Absent and void of anything. The absence of thought is Happiness. Why? Because you are right where you need to be, and in this Present moment, nothing is happening but Now. And Now is ok. You are OK.
As I listened to the podcast, I felt like I was in the room with them, in awe of the way two people can see everything so deeply. Rebecca was asked for three take-away points from herself and her teachings. She first suggested that meditation is like a "mental gym," the more aware you become the more mindful you become. Better to meditate five minutes a day, than thirty minutes once a week, because you are creating a habit, re-wiring your lifestyle and the way you observe it. Second, she touched on the Gratitude List, "Anything that helps to balance out your perspective, so that it's less about what is wrong with the world...and more that, there are some wonderful things in the world." Deepak at this point said, "Gratitude opens the door to abundance." -sigh- I fell more in love with him with him at that moment. And then the third, to get towards True Self, look at an aspect of your life that you would like to change. At this I stopped and smiled. Although Rebecca placed the least amount of emphasis on this point, this one became the most significant and important one to me. I am in the process of making a massive change in my life, essentially changing who I have been for almost two decades, all I have known as Nic. I don't know the Real Nic because I lost her at age 17. I sculpted my mind into abstract chaos, painting a canvas in my mind that very closely resembled a Jackson Pollock; a medium of trauma, resentment, anger, shame, guilt, regret, sadness and fear all thrown at this canvas. And what did I use to seal it all in, frame it nicely so it could be nailed permanently to the wall in my brain? Alcohol. I am ready to rip this painting off the wall and hang up...Nothing. I do not need anything but my True Self, my wall of nothingness that is Now and Here. Actually there is no wall, as that also is nothing but consciousness, which exists nowhere. I leave you with this conversation from You Are Not Your Brain:
RG: Perception is a learned phenomenon...You can perceive things as positive, negative or neutral. I think our background of conditioning tells us to perceive it this way or to perceive it that way. Where in reality, all that's happened is that, something happened. We paste meaning into things that may or may not be there.
DC: So meaning was given to raw experience. And then the meaning that we gave to it, conditions both the mind and the brain. And the experience of reality.
Today was a normal day, got up, felt exhausted and slightly anxious but all in all, happy. It didn't feel like a Sunday, to be honest, the days feel like they are melting together. The only things on my mind is get through it, be strong and that I am so grateful to be in this mindset currently.
I thought a lot today, about things that both excited and scared me. It seems the mind goes into worry overdrive when under stress, which is counter productive. So I decided to listen to the guru, the calming voice of consciousness; Deepak Chopra. I had always heard about him, saw him on TV or saw a book in the window of a store. I never thought I would make him one of the weapons of mass reconstruction in my arsenal against the conditioned mind. He is all powerful and listening to him gives me a sense that I will be alright. He brings me back to the moment of clarity, of Now.
This week's listen was based on Mindfulness and how we wire and re-wire our Brains. It was Deepak's incredible podcast, Infinite Potential and the episode today was called, "You Are Not Your Brain." It was interesting to choose this topic because it seems that this is exactly what I am battling right now. Probably the Universe handing me a little treat in the form of a coincidence. Thanks U.
Deepak and Rebecca Gladding, MD dove deep into the conversation of whether to believe our brains, our thoughts and the constructs we create everyday that become our realities. Should we accept it as our final reality, or can we sculpt the brain and change our perspectives on our experiences? How can we prove that our Selves, the True reality, is not found in our brain?
This caught my attention in a big way. At my most anxious, my thoughts remind me of a highway; thoughts about one topic are racing past thoughts on another. A worry barrels in the opposite direction while a memory turns off the highway. Fear is the ambulance gaining speed behind you, shrieking and wailing with it's lights flashing, blinding you. This chaotic mashup of thoughts and feelings result in my anxiety catapulting through the roof and I am immediately experiencing a physical manifestation of it; sweats, heart racing, shaking and the most obvious, a look of intense concentration that is far away, focusing only on that highway in my mind. I pray for some break in it, take deep breathes and try to get out of it. Of my brain. A very difficult thing to do and for someone who has never experienced this, it is immobilizing and terrifying.
I am trying to understand how to become ever present and self-aware. For the past year I have worked on this, by meditating (which I suck at, monkey mind), chanting a mantra, counting my breathes and doing guided meditations. In some moments I was able to catch my mind. Eckhart Tolle says it best in The Power Of Now, "Try to think of the mind as a hyperactive child. Watch it, laugh at its absurdity and ignore the tantrum." This is really hard to do! Try for one minute to close your eyes and watch your thoughts. See how long you can do it. Follow Eckhart's suggestion to "Ask yourself, 'What will my next thought be?"" For a split, amazing second, you will experience...Nothing. Feel that? Now what did you feel at that moment? Not what did you think. HOW did you feel? I felt peaceful, calm, still and content. Like a lake very early in the morning, with a light mist standing perfectly still over glass-like water. Unmoving. Absent and void of anything. The absence of thought is Happiness. Why? Because you are right where you need to be, and in this Present moment, nothing is happening but Now. And Now is ok. You are OK.
As I listened to the podcast, I felt like I was in the room with them, in awe of the way two people can see everything so deeply. Rebecca was asked for three take-away points from herself and her teachings. She first suggested that meditation is like a "mental gym," the more aware you become the more mindful you become. Better to meditate five minutes a day, than thirty minutes once a week, because you are creating a habit, re-wiring your lifestyle and the way you observe it. Second, she touched on the Gratitude List, "Anything that helps to balance out your perspective, so that it's less about what is wrong with the world...and more that, there are some wonderful things in the world." Deepak at this point said, "Gratitude opens the door to abundance." -sigh- I fell more in love with him with him at that moment. And then the third, to get towards True Self, look at an aspect of your life that you would like to change. At this I stopped and smiled. Although Rebecca placed the least amount of emphasis on this point, this one became the most significant and important one to me. I am in the process of making a massive change in my life, essentially changing who I have been for almost two decades, all I have known as Nic. I don't know the Real Nic because I lost her at age 17. I sculpted my mind into abstract chaos, painting a canvas in my mind that very closely resembled a Jackson Pollock; a medium of trauma, resentment, anger, shame, guilt, regret, sadness and fear all thrown at this canvas. And what did I use to seal it all in, frame it nicely so it could be nailed permanently to the wall in my brain? Alcohol. I am ready to rip this painting off the wall and hang up...Nothing. I do not need anything but my True Self, my wall of nothingness that is Now and Here. Actually there is no wall, as that also is nothing but consciousness, which exists nowhere. I leave you with this conversation from You Are Not Your Brain:
RG: Perception is a learned phenomenon...You can perceive things as positive, negative or neutral. I think our background of conditioning tells us to perceive it this way or to perceive it that way. Where in reality, all that's happened is that, something happened. We paste meaning into things that may or may not be there.
DC: So meaning was given to raw experience. And then the meaning that we gave to it, conditions both the mind and the brain. And the experience of reality.
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,663
Some heavy thinkin' thar. We are how we interpret ourselves (if conscious of this), but there are so many differing factors- environment, social conditioning, gender, age, EXPERIENCES.
The best I do at present (3.6y sober) is to find some anchor, some reference point into which I can relate my life today. With the tendency towards isolating (major depression and a truckload of other labels) perception of self- what is my reality??? An example can be passing the umpteenth good cause fund raising nice person in a shopping centre being all happy and enthused about some obscure, yet good charity. I do give some money regularly, but sometimes feels as if this is not enough- ergo my self perception of being born 'wrong' (as in a waste of oxygen). That if I really cared- I should do some herculanian activity. Then I anchor myself and remind myself of how much I ignited such a destructive, damaged life at the end of my drinking, which quite literally- for 3 short times, was the end of my life. Then I tell myself practical thoughts today! Not going to change myself all at once into being a self actualized all round awesome guy, but staying sober, putting in the hard work- appointments, art study, journal, SR- all the unglamorous stuff- THIS is where I will make the differences in how I perceive myself, my reality, my world.
Support to you.
The best I do at present (3.6y sober) is to find some anchor, some reference point into which I can relate my life today. With the tendency towards isolating (major depression and a truckload of other labels) perception of self- what is my reality??? An example can be passing the umpteenth good cause fund raising nice person in a shopping centre being all happy and enthused about some obscure, yet good charity. I do give some money regularly, but sometimes feels as if this is not enough- ergo my self perception of being born 'wrong' (as in a waste of oxygen). That if I really cared- I should do some herculanian activity. Then I anchor myself and remind myself of how much I ignited such a destructive, damaged life at the end of my drinking, which quite literally- for 3 short times, was the end of my life. Then I tell myself practical thoughts today! Not going to change myself all at once into being a self actualized all round awesome guy, but staying sober, putting in the hard work- appointments, art study, journal, SR- all the unglamorous stuff- THIS is where I will make the differences in how I perceive myself, my reality, my world.
Support to you.
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