Finally lost ALL hope, How do I walk away?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 148
Finally lost ALL hope, How do I walk away?
I've been a member on this site since 2013. I am still on the same merry-go-round I was on when I found this wonderful community of people that I can relate to and know that I am not crazy.
A little back-ground, I have been married to my AH for almost 20 years, I love him with all that I have. It's time that I start living for me and not the us that's never going to be. I don't know how to do that, for some reason I don't know why I cant make the decision to walk away...I am so afraid that he will drink more and hurt himself if I am not there to take care of him. He always says he is going to stop so that he doesn't lose me, but the next week, on Friday, before I get home from work, he's drunk and says he doesn't know what happened...I can't do this anymore....I have finally lost all hope.
A little back-ground, I have been married to my AH for almost 20 years, I love him with all that I have. It's time that I start living for me and not the us that's never going to be. I don't know how to do that, for some reason I don't know why I cant make the decision to walk away...I am so afraid that he will drink more and hurt himself if I am not there to take care of him. He always says he is going to stop so that he doesn't lose me, but the next week, on Friday, before I get home from work, he's drunk and says he doesn't know what happened...I can't do this anymore....I have finally lost all hope.
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 2,031
I'm so sorry for what you are going through, peridotBleu.
I was in a particularly horrible marriage for over 15 years but my worry was how could I survive financially on my own. We divorced and I did just fine and being emotionally free made it even better.
Please take care of yourself. I'm sure you will receive much wiser advice, but just wanted to let you know I heard you. Hugs.
I was in a particularly horrible marriage for over 15 years but my worry was how could I survive financially on my own. We divorced and I did just fine and being emotionally free made it even better.
Please take care of yourself. I'm sure you will receive much wiser advice, but just wanted to let you know I heard you. Hugs.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 500
Im so sorry, I understand your pain. 22 years for me. When the discomfort is greater than the fear thats when you'll walk. Please get a support system for yourself Both personal and professional, its a marathon. Btw he's already hurting himself.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
peridot......Although I have not read every word of your past threads...I suspect that you have focused on him and holding onto hope that he would change, that you have spent a neglelegable amount of time on gaining your own insight into yourself and developing your own self esteem and confidence....
Sort of losing yourself....
In case I am right...I would suggest this---Find yourself a good therapist. When one visits a new therapist...usually...one of the first things that they ask is "What are your goals for this therapy?"...….This gives you the opportunity to say---"Please help me leave this toxic relationship".....then apply yourself 100 percent to that goal..
In all probability, you already know the answer(s) to your question....but, have just kept you head in the sand, so to speak....so as not to have to face the reality of the situation....
Like most everybody in your situation....the answers lie somewhere in the FOG......FEAR/OBLIGATION/GUILT.....
loL...if I am off base--just ignore me.
If I am correct---I win a chicken dinner!
Sort of losing yourself....
In case I am right...I would suggest this---Find yourself a good therapist. When one visits a new therapist...usually...one of the first things that they ask is "What are your goals for this therapy?"...….This gives you the opportunity to say---"Please help me leave this toxic relationship".....then apply yourself 100 percent to that goal..
In all probability, you already know the answer(s) to your question....but, have just kept you head in the sand, so to speak....so as not to have to face the reality of the situation....
Like most everybody in your situation....the answers lie somewhere in the FOG......FEAR/OBLIGATION/GUILT.....
loL...if I am off base--just ignore me.
If I am correct---I win a chicken dinner!
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
dawnrising….by the way---dawnrising is right....he is already hurting himself...and, your being there has not stopped him from hurting the both of you....
Your presence will not change anything for the better...but, it sure can make it worse as time goes on.....
Your presence will not change anything for the better...but, it sure can make it worse as time goes on.....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 148
dandylion, you are not off base at all...you have said what I have known for some time now. I know so many of you, you have been in my life for so many years. I just haven't posted in a LONG time, I have been listening and you guys don't know how much you have saved me. You are the reason that I know I am not crazy and to trust myself...I just don't practice that last part, but I think it's finally time.
As for seeking counseling, we are in the middle of the Dave Ramsey Program, trying to pay off our debt (1 year program) and we have sold our reliable vehicles, my replacement is pretty decent, but his is not, that's another reason I hate to leave...I have so many excuses to stay, WHY - Who am I??? What's wrong with me?
As for seeking counseling, we are in the middle of the Dave Ramsey Program, trying to pay off our debt (1 year program) and we have sold our reliable vehicles, my replacement is pretty decent, but his is not, that's another reason I hate to leave...I have so many excuses to stay, WHY - Who am I??? What's wrong with me?
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
peridot.....to answer your last questions...again, you are a person lost in the FOG.....
Also, you seem to do a lot of negative self talk....and, negative self talk really screws with our thoughts.....
For example:
negative---"What's wrong with me?"
More positive...."What do I need to learn to learn to take better care of myself?"
Also...where is my chicken dinner?
Also, you seem to do a lot of negative self talk....and, negative self talk really screws with our thoughts.....
For example:
negative---"What's wrong with me?"
More positive...."What do I need to learn to learn to take better care of myself?"
Also...where is my chicken dinner?
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
yesterday my husband bought a bluetooth speaker - he wanted to take it to work so they could do something besides just yell at each other, maybe have some tunes going up on the scaffolding. he managed to get it out of the box all by himself, but then was totally mystified in what to do next.
i showed him that the usb cable it came with is the SAME type we use already to power up our phones, tablet. oh so i can charge it in my car, using the phone charger?? yes.
we got it plugged in to charge, then i showed him how to turn on bluetooth on his phone and how to "find" the new device. then did the same with my phone so he could see that others can sync up to it, it doesn't have to be HIS phone. helped him get the pandora app set up on his phone, and got the music going thru the speaker.
long story short - it was "easier" for me to take the lead and just SHOW him how to do this stuff, rather than witness the flail and fumble. BUT - he would have figured it out eventually ON HIS OWN - or just wait til he got to work and ask anyone under the age of 25. lol
we get used to doing stuff. we are often "better" at a lot of it because we've been the one doing it for so long. the receiver of the "stuff being done" gets used to having someone do FOR them. and they develop a feigned helpless which ensures the Stuff Doer does stuff.
most everybody gets a bit of a charge about being the DOER. the FIXER. solver, mender, tender, arranger, reserver, payer, cleaner, buyer, soother. She (or he) Who Does All!!! with the complimentary cape. there is nothing wrong with being those things. hell, someone has to. but over time we can forget that others to CAN do things. or we don't want anyone messing up things we have worked to hard to get in order.
perhaps some baby steps are in order, peridot. start to see your AH is not completely inept (i am not saying you think this....) and just observe the things that he is perfectly capable OF doing. whether he actually does them or not. maybe think of one task , however small, you can hand back to him. picking up the mail, taking out the recycling, taking the laundry basket all the way TO the big scary machines where the "magic" happens. if you do a lot of the cooking, maybe have a "make do" night where everybody fends for themselves. maybe let him load the dishwasher all wrong. mentally begin to "give" him more autonomy.
none of that will change his drinking. or make things magically better for you. but it may help you being to separate thee from he.
i showed him that the usb cable it came with is the SAME type we use already to power up our phones, tablet. oh so i can charge it in my car, using the phone charger?? yes.
we got it plugged in to charge, then i showed him how to turn on bluetooth on his phone and how to "find" the new device. then did the same with my phone so he could see that others can sync up to it, it doesn't have to be HIS phone. helped him get the pandora app set up on his phone, and got the music going thru the speaker.
long story short - it was "easier" for me to take the lead and just SHOW him how to do this stuff, rather than witness the flail and fumble. BUT - he would have figured it out eventually ON HIS OWN - or just wait til he got to work and ask anyone under the age of 25. lol
we get used to doing stuff. we are often "better" at a lot of it because we've been the one doing it for so long. the receiver of the "stuff being done" gets used to having someone do FOR them. and they develop a feigned helpless which ensures the Stuff Doer does stuff.
most everybody gets a bit of a charge about being the DOER. the FIXER. solver, mender, tender, arranger, reserver, payer, cleaner, buyer, soother. She (or he) Who Does All!!! with the complimentary cape. there is nothing wrong with being those things. hell, someone has to. but over time we can forget that others to CAN do things. or we don't want anyone messing up things we have worked to hard to get in order.
perhaps some baby steps are in order, peridot. start to see your AH is not completely inept (i am not saying you think this....) and just observe the things that he is perfectly capable OF doing. whether he actually does them or not. maybe think of one task , however small, you can hand back to him. picking up the mail, taking out the recycling, taking the laundry basket all the way TO the big scary machines where the "magic" happens. if you do a lot of the cooking, maybe have a "make do" night where everybody fends for themselves. maybe let him load the dishwasher all wrong. mentally begin to "give" him more autonomy.
none of that will change his drinking. or make things magically better for you. but it may help you being to separate thee from he.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2018
Posts: 436
I don't know why I cant make the decision to walk away.
It sounds like you are becoming willing to make the decision to walk away.
Could you re frame things and think about what you are walking towards, rather than what you are leaving? Leaving is a big scary decision, especially if you don't really know where you are going. Can you visualize a new scenario for yourself? Do you know what it looks like?
Your husband is an adult. I think you will find he is much more capable than he leads you to believe.
Imagine what leaving looks like for you rather than for him. Do you still feel like you want to leave?
It sounds like you are becoming willing to make the decision to walk away.
Could you re frame things and think about what you are walking towards, rather than what you are leaving? Leaving is a big scary decision, especially if you don't really know where you are going. Can you visualize a new scenario for yourself? Do you know what it looks like?
Your husband is an adult. I think you will find he is much more capable than he leads you to believe.
Imagine what leaving looks like for you rather than for him. Do you still feel like you want to leave?
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
How do I walk away?
By first asking this question.
I live several hours away from my husband. We're still married. I'm gaining independence and confidence.
One day at a time.
Allowing my own awareness and healing through Al-Anon, domestic violence help centers and other good, healthy support, I'm enjoying life. http://www.al-anon.org/
Emotional abuse is abuse and having extra support can be very wonderful in moving forward.
By first asking this question.
I live several hours away from my husband. We're still married. I'm gaining independence and confidence.
One day at a time.
Allowing my own awareness and healing through Al-Anon, domestic violence help centers and other good, healthy support, I'm enjoying life. http://www.al-anon.org/
Emotional abuse is abuse and having extra support can be very wonderful in moving forward.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 148
Amaranth, you make a great point to look at what I will gain and stop worrying about what I am leaving. I will start looking at it that way...thank you!
As for my AH, he is great at everything, can do anything, except when he drinks, and even then he is working around the yard, doing something, but the fact is, he is not doing anything to stop drinking.
Dandylion, again, you are wonderful! I am so negative toward myself. I will start working toward more self care.
As for my AH, he is great at everything, can do anything, except when he drinks, and even then he is working around the yard, doing something, but the fact is, he is not doing anything to stop drinking.
Dandylion, again, you are wonderful! I am so negative toward myself. I will start working toward more self care.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Are you in therapy??
I had those very same fears. Through therapy I learned that my XAH's choices are his. I could not change them, goodness knows I tried. I learned that no matter what he would choose, even if he did hurt himself, it would not be my fault.
You did not cause it, you cannot control it, and you cannot cure it.
It's a form of taking someone emotionally hostage. You must put the focus on yourself and your wellbeing. You only get this one life to live.
big hugs!
I had those very same fears. Through therapy I learned that my XAH's choices are his. I could not change them, goodness knows I tried. I learned that no matter what he would choose, even if he did hurt himself, it would not be my fault.
You did not cause it, you cannot control it, and you cannot cure it.
It's a form of taking someone emotionally hostage. You must put the focus on yourself and your wellbeing. You only get this one life to live.
big hugs!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,628
Originally Posted by peridotbleu 
I don't know how to do that, for some reason I don't know why I cant make the decision to walk away...I am so afraid that he will drink more and hurt himself if I am not there to take care of him.
Here is the thing, it can be hard to make that decision. I don't quote Oprah often but I heard her say once:
"Make the decision and the rest will follow"
That made me stop and think. Regardless of the decision we can sit around and procrastinate and compare different outcomes and etc etc, but the bottom line is we make that decision and indeed the rest will follow.
What ever "that" is, we will deal with it.
You have lived with an alcoholic for 20 years, I'm going to guess you have well honed coping skills, if you can do that (as dandylion says) you can surely make a break on your own!
You have dedicated your life to him probably. That's very kind of you but it sounds like you would now like some freedom to be yourself? To pursue your dreams.
You have a choice to make, do what will make you happy. You weren't actually put on this earth perhaps to be a caretaker? Freedom is as close as the front door. He is a grown man, he can actually take care of himself.
I know this is hard, no one likes to hurt someone else but hurting yourself helps no one.
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,546
Somewhere in the stickies are instructions for leaving an alcoholic spouse. Some of the steps are outdated. One of them was to research apartments and arrange to rent one, fairly early on in the separation process. The author pointed out that once you have rented the apartment, your resolve strengthens.
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: CA
Posts: 25
I have felt the same way for years. But I'm going to tell him this weekend that I want a divorce. What helped me get there was I started seeing a therapist in January. After his last promise to stop. I knew he wouldn't but I couldn't release that last glimmer of hope I had. 4th of July weekend finally extinguished that last hope. I am 54 and don't want to spend the rest of my life living with an alcoholic. If I hate it now, just imagine what it will be like for me after retirement - every single day of my life instead of just weekends. I've told TONS of people so I have support and am less likely to chicken out. I've got a legal consultation today. I can't just leave because it is MY house, not his. But I know I'll take a hit financially if he decides to fight it out. I'm at the point where I think it's worth every penny I might lose.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 148
Thanks MD....I too am 54, will be 55 next month. We will be married for 20 years this November....it hurts me that it does'nt hurt him enough to make the change to save our marriage, I have given every ounce of hope that I had in me. I am trying to look at this as a gain, but just cannot right now. Actually, we are still in the last chance phase because I told him the next time I come home to a drunk man instead of my husband, he has to go to his mom's or brothers which is right up the road from us. I don't know how to do this, and I know I am not going to do it perfectly. How do you end when your heart still says no. If he only knew how bad that I want us to work. And I don't blame him, I blame the addiction, but I do think that he could make more of an effort.
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: CA
Posts: 25
Oh honey - love is not enough. It's just not. I love my husband so much. But that is not an excuse for us to stay and be mistreated. You KNOW he is going to blow this last chance, just like he did the others. He cannot help it. And he doesn't want to help it. As much as he loves you, that bottle is his greatest love. It sucks, but it's true.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,628
Yes, blame is not helpful as you have acknowledged.
You will not do it perfectly because there is no way to do it perfectly. People's feelings will be hurt, there will possibly be recriminations etc, will you let that stop you?
What has stopped you for the last 20 years?
If you decide to stay at the absolute very least, please focus on yourself a bit. You are actually the caretaker right now and all caretakers need regular breaks (and truly, if he continues to drink as he gets older you are really really going to be the caretaker).
You will not do it perfectly because there is no way to do it perfectly. People's feelings will be hurt, there will possibly be recriminations etc, will you let that stop you?
What has stopped you for the last 20 years?
If you decide to stay at the absolute very least, please focus on yourself a bit. You are actually the caretaker right now and all caretakers need regular breaks (and truly, if he continues to drink as he gets older you are really really going to be the caretaker).
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Peridot....you keep using the phrase "Just walk away".....
If you "have given every last ounce of hope in me"....that is not JUST walking away....
That is saving yourself from further destruction....
Can you really hold up under 20 more years of this?
I strongly encourage you to get support for what you are going through....a therapist and alanon...at the minimum....
If you "have given every last ounce of hope in me"....that is not JUST walking away....
That is saving yourself from further destruction....
Can you really hold up under 20 more years of this?
I strongly encourage you to get support for what you are going through....a therapist and alanon...at the minimum....
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