Pinky1

Hi I'm 82 days sober.

I've been going to AA since day 1. It's the first time I've been to AA and the longest I've been sober after many attempts. I do think I hit my rock bottom.
The local meetings to me are on 3 times a week. I've been trying to go to 2 of them a week.
I work shifts so can't always make them.

I never went last week at all. I feel fine and am not going to drink today.
I'm not 100% sure I want to go regularly if I'm honest.

The meetings have about 15 - 20 people total and I would say 2 thirds + smoke so disappear in the "break" smoking.
One woman about my age who started meetings a few weeks before me now smokes. She's never been a smoker, I asked her.
That's her choice but I can't help thinking it's trading one addiction for another.

I get a feeling the "smokers" stick together and just socialise together. I feel like when I was at school all them years ago and smoking was "cool"
When I go they all tell me that I will relapse if I don't attend regularly. I have said I work shifts etc but was told sobriety should come first. I appreciate that but I can't just not work. I work in the NHS so it's random shift pattern, so it's not like I can plan meetings etc.
I just wondered if this is how all meetings are?
I don't want to relapse 😢

I went to one across the city a few weeks ago when I was struggling and that didn't seem like it but was a big meeting and realistically too far to go regularly.
Thank you

MyLittleHorsie

Not an AA person, but I have read on here about really fantastic meetings and groups. Maybe you can find others, maybe you have to drive a bit further. Sorry not much help, but no, not all meetings are like that, a lot of people find not only salvation from drinking, but a new, understanding, extended family of sorts.

Edited to add: smokers have become pariahs in so many people's eyes, so yes, they stick together. Former smoker here.

MovingForward1

For me, going to meetings is a positive part of the day. I understand the schedule issues and wouldn't stress over it. Go when you can if they help as part of your sober life.
I'm a smoker but it's not a 'thing' for me at meetings. Example, if I'm chatting with a non smoker after a meeting, I wait to indulge my nasty habit. I'd like to quit but now isn't the time.
congratulations on your sober time, that's huge!!

Dee74

No personal experience but I would try other groups - you might find one a better fit. There are no doubt no smoking groups too.

If AA is helping you stay sober don't throw the baby out with the bathwater,

D

Dee74

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Sober369

Congratulations on your 82 days! As a smoker, I just want to say that most people who smoke wish they didn't. It's a yucky, expensive and stinky habit. I'm going to quit, but just can't do it right now. I need a little more sober time first. So, feel sorry for them and hang out with the non smokers. They may be joining you inside soon.

SoberRican

Right there with you. I am a smoker. But I respect non smokers. I dont go to meetings. This site is my meeting. I do have an independent support group. My fam. I am at day 77. Next thing to stop ia my smoking . Keep coming back

August252015

Great job on 82 days!!! My thoughts to your two main things: the smoking cool kids, and relapse/meetings.

Smoker "groups" are pretty common- usually there's maybe one place they can hang out at the meetings I go to so there's a "place" to bond. I don't go to any meetings with a break in the middle so I can't tell you much to do w/ that except stay in the room and browse the BB or talk to someone who doesn't smoke either. Bottom line- don't let it bother you bc that's just their deal- and maybe it's part of their programs to stay sober bc of the friends they make there.

RE relapse and meetings. A few mixed feelings there: at the start (where you are), I did indeed find that the "meeting makers make it" type sayings were great advice- it is simply too much info and emotion and processing to "get" the program so early w/o meetings. I have found as I have gone along that going to a certain number of meetings a week keeps me EMOTIONALLY sober, which is my focus (not the physical part, specifically- I believe if I do all the things that keep my emotional sobriety strong I stay furthest away from a drink).

Simply going to meetings is not working the program. I absolutely put my sobriety first, from the beginning and every day now (I am almost 3.5 yr sober). So I've adjusted times and days to go around work as it's gone along. My sweet spot right now is 5 a week, and if I dip as low as 2 I self-correct the next wk.

That said, there is a lot to do to work your program outside of meetings- the reality can be that meeting times don't fit our schedule despite our best laid plans.

Do you have a sponsor?
What about online meetings?
Have you read pp 1-164 of the BB? That's the core of the program and I still review 84-88 every day. 417-418 are the crux of the matter too. Again - I learned all this with a sponsor.

Also - everyone has their own program and their own ideas about what works. Old timers are often very basic on that meetings mantra. Younger people, people getting sober now (vs, say the 1970s or 80s) have more options than physically attending meetings.

The more comprehensive you make your program the better off you will be living proactively sober, not defensively protective of not relapsing.

keep going!!

Pinky1

I don't have a sponsor. I've tried to find out about getting a sponsor to start working through the steps etc but with no luck. Ive asked a couple of ladies there and one said I need to share more in the meetings first and the other is the one that has started smoking. I asked her because she is relatively new. She said all "chat" etc re: sponsors and the steps goes on outside in the break and that's the way forward.
I have done AA online, yes and I've not long got the BB

D122y

I would try an online/phone sponser for now.

There are so many AA savvy folks here at SR. They might temporarily sponser me.

AA was established before online interaction was possible. People have been calling their sponser for years.

I stay clean by any means. I am a non drinker that accidentally got addicted.

I will never drink again. I hate the stuff.

It was killing everything about me.

Thanks.

August252015

Those don't sound like good potential sponsors to me. Around here at least, to sponsor someone you need to have worked the steps and be at least a yr sober.

It took me til day 97 to ask my first sponsor to sponsor me- and she was awesome at the discipline and foundation book stuff I mentioned.

I'd suggest going to different mtgs in the area, and also see about a temp sponsor. That's common around here in the bigger meetings- another idea is to go ask the mtg leader about how to get a good sponsor. This can all be overwhelming, I know - but you can do it.

entropy1964

There are lots of addicts in AA meetings Who knew? And I understand the sense of hypocrisy to a degree: The person who smokes, drinks 12 cups of coffee a day, eats everything in sight and is on pain pills telling one how to stay sober. Its feels, um, off. I've been there. Cross addiction is definitely a 'thing'. And I think its really hard for a lot of us who are just simply addicts to quit absolutely everything and become a monk. So I look at it as harm reduction, I guess. At least smokers, for the most part, aren't dangerous to others....except for that whole second hand smoke thing and the massive cost to the health care system because of all the problems that smoking causes. Its not our number 1 killer for nothing. It does kind of amaze. But it's not my problem.

Find other meetings. There are great people in AA....and not so great ones too. Its a group of people so you'll find all sorts.

Pipefish

Pinky, are there are any step meetings, big book study groups, or back to basics meetings where you are? I'm in the UK too, and live in a part of the world where there are these kinds of groups, and also other literature based groups. There is no smoking break in the meetings I go to. For me, part of the discipline of an AA meeting was to sit my chaotic behind down, and not move it for an hour or so. It did me good.

The AA programme is eminently practical, and really involves being mindful of all that I say, and all that I do. And because that is what it means, then by its very nature that doesn't only take place in AA meeting - for rather a larger percentage of the time, it takes place at home, at work, socially. A bridge to normal living is what I was told AA was, and that is what it has helped me to establish - a normal life, with a normal range of commitments, that I actually meet. Going to work, unless retired or because of illness, was definitely part of my bridge to normal living, and if someone suggested to you that a meeting should come before going to work, that person has misunderstood some very fundamental things about AA and the programme of AA.

It's not going to the meetings as such that will keep you sober. I really identify with your fear though - I could stop, but not stay stopped , but once I made a commitment to the programme of AA, and worked through the steps, and began the life long journey of living that in my day to day life, then I stayed sober. If you can find one good quality literature based meeting, even if you can't go to that every week, and one person you can connect with at that meeting who has themselves done the steps, and can do the steps with you, that could be the start of your sober journey.

In addition, things that helped stay safe early on was the Living Sober book, and the Just for today card. The just for today card is an overlooked gem - it really is the practice of the programme in small and gentle steps. Do pick one up, and do read it every day. How you did gives you something really useful to share about at an AA meeting.

I'm still not very good with a lack of structure, the informality in how 'the programme' is shared or sponsorship accessed in the way you described at this particular meeting wouldn't have worked for me. I'm still not the world's most sociable, & the idea that finding a sponsor is reliant on how well you can mingle during the break, is plainly ridiculous, if not actively harmful. On the other hand, a well run step meeting provides an opportunity to listen to others sharing about how they engaged with the programme, and what happened when they did so. Again, don't know about you, but I'm pretty private person, and I needed to know that sharing things about myself was based on some rationale or principle, rather than trading war stories. There's a reason that there's literature in AA, and ideally, it is as the heart of every meeting, and the basis of sharing I like to hear, is not the 'qualifying' accounts of drinking, but the solution to my alcoholism, and the emotional and spiritual illness that underlies every drink I ever took. That's the stuff, not what happened each time I drank too much. Understanding the nature of alcoholism comes from doing the programme, and then we have stuff to share that is valuable to other people. In fact it saves people's lives.

Please do find that literature based meeting, and go to it.

Wish you well.

fini

Pinky,
no, this is not how all meetings are.
the primary purpose of meetings is to “carry this message”, this message being that the solution is the suggested program, meaning the step work and the results gained from that.
if your meeting encourages waiting to do that work, imo that is keeping someone from what AA offers as the “solution”.
you can read all that in the big book; it i s quite clearly laid out.
fellowship is nice, and helpful, and always good to meet sober folks, but meetings and fellowship are not the advertised solution for the problem of alcoholism.
if you have the option of more solution- focused meeting, it would be worth your while to make the trips.

https://www.aa.org/assets/en_US/p-15_Q&AonSpon.pdf
linked with the permission of AA World Services Inc.

the link takes you to AA’s pamphlet on sponsorship, which might answer some additional questions for you.

DriGuy

We had one smoking meeting a week at a local motel's conference room. It was a highly popular meeting because of the smoking aspect. I went because I was committed to daily attendance, but that smokers meeting was a hard one for me. It was like one of those Hollywood movies about alcoholism that includes the obligatory and exaggerated scene of a smoke filled meeting, which actually isn't that much of an exaggeration. I've never breathed that much second hand smoke as those meetings. We were eventually told to leave and find another meeting place.

But today it is not uncommon to find no smoking meetings, as the practice is not so commonplace anymore. In addition, there are often local restrictions about smoking in public places. Do what you have to do to keep yourself from drinking.

D122y

I was hoping someone here would dm you and offer any/all advise you need.

My AA meetings were definitely clicky. There were also people looking to meet up for parties or whatever.

Many of the people I saw didn't seem totally sober as well. Smoking, coffee, RX drugs, even hung over.

Some here said try another meeting. I tried sevrral.

I realized that I was the problem. I don't attend AA any more.

I will if think I am going to relapse.

Bottom line is 99% of my problems can be solved in the 6 inches between my ears.

Thanks.

Pinky1

Hi pipefish
There is a big book meeting very near to me. I've not been to it. It's an open meeting and I was very hesitant about it in case I know anyone. It's literally in the village.
The meetings I go to are in the town a few miles away.
Nobody knows I go to AA only my husband and kids. I'm really private and it's something I'm doing to help me and I'm happier keeping it quiet. That's why I'm hesitant to share too much in the meetings as I'm not always comfortable with what I want people to know. If that makes sense?
Thank you, I will keep looking to find a meeting I'm comfortable with

Pinky1

Thank you all for your replies
I'm going to try and find a meeting I feel more comfortable with.
I read on here every day and find this is a massive support network anyway without AA should I not be able to go to a meeting.
X

HTown

congrats on 82 days! that is fantastic

Misssy2

If you find this really helps you than you need to keep going...don't let anyone tell you that you have to do a certain # of meetings or you will fall.

But I do agree that getting away from meetings all together would not BE GOOD...as you yourself said it is the only thing that has ever kept you sober this long.

But don't beat yourself up if you can only go 2 days a week...make the best of ANY meeting you go to....

EVERY SINGLE time I have been in a meeting I hear SOMETHING I NEEDED to hear...it doesn't matter if you are in a meeting with 5 people or 20...if you are in a meeting...you are their supporting and strengthing your sobriety and your network of sober people.

We need to learn how to live...AA shows us how to live and helps us thru really tough times.

Just go when you can and just don't stop all togehter.

Like YOU...I found AA to help me..I went fairly often for 6 years and then I stopped going...2 more years passed with no meetings and i eventually drank.

I truly believe if I never left the meetings I would have never drank.

Its some peoples medicine in place of the alcohol...it is mine..and sounds like it is yours...so take it when you can get it.