FWN

No idea where I'm going with this post. Just venting I think.

Last I updated I'd taken several non-consecutive weeks away from my husband (took my kids) on various trips. It was really good for me to get out of the situation in order to evaluate, and my overall feelings were that I cannot continue to live with someone like this. Yes, he's 'functional' and yes there are many times when I'm literally the only person who can tell he's been drinking, but does that matter? I don't think so. It's enough to drive a person crazy, looking up at him on a Friday night knowing he was sober when he got home (car breathalyzer) and an hour later talking about our plans for the night and me saying 'you've had something to drink' and his response being 'yes I have' when he knows how I feel about this. I said aloud that this is going to be the death of our marriage. And he said maybe it will.

I can see that 2 beers are missing from our fridge, no idea where the empty bottles are, it drives me crazy he tries to hide things from me in plain sight.

I also just noticed that there's another bottle of vodka missing from our liquor cabinet. I have no idea where it is, I cannot find it.

He had a plan to fix this drinking problem and it's been postponed a bit. Not his fault, I got home from my last trip and almost immediately went into the hospital. I'm 30 weeks pregnant and ended up with the flu that turned into pneumonia which let me tell you is a rough recover. I'm finally just up and out of bed with enough energy to last some of the day with out needing a nap. What a nightmare. That and both of my kids came down with the flu, one had it one week and then the other got it the next week.

He says he's starting an outpatient program next week. I know he's made several calls to the local places trying to figure out which one he wants to do and he finally chose one. He says he wants to get this under control, although I know he's in a place where he wants to be able to 'manage' his drinking better instead of stopping his drinking.

I'm feeling overall just tired of dealing with this, as I know I've said before. I just want him to fix this so we can move on, but I know that there is no such luck when dealing with alcoholism. I cannot stand the way that he speaks when he's like he is right now, the tell tale sign is always that he has to over-enunciate his words when speaking, that's how I can always tell he's been drinking.

And then he just came in here to the room I'm in saying 'this is the last time I'll bother you' and then he grabbed something from in here and as he was closing the door behind him said 'do you love me at all?'
WTF is that.

I guess I'm just feeling exhausted from being a mother to 2 young children, 30 weeks pregnant with our 3rd, and then recovering from pneumonia feeling completely cooped up in the house all the time right now. Just wishing I didn't have to also deal with the constant wonder of 'is he going to drink tonight' and if so 'how much did he drink tonight'.

We have a 5 year olds birthday party on Sunday at a friends house. I want to go as a family. It's a family event. But I just know he's going to drink even if he tells me he's not going to.

This isn't any way to live in a normal marriage. Right?! 'This is not normal' seems to be what I have to keep repeating to myself.

FWN

We have cameras in several areas, one being in his garage. I just watched him guzzle an entire beer in probably 15-20 seconds right after he placed another beer in the fridge to cool. And then walk in the house like nothing was different.

All the man is doing right now is watching a movie in the living room with our boys. That is literally his plan for the night, yet he has to guzzle a beer in hiding like that?!? I don't even know why I'm surprised. I wonder how many more times he'll sneak out there tonight.

Schne

trailmix

No it's not normal. Notice when he came in to the room he asked you, do you love me at all.

Not, how are you doing, do you want a drink or a snack etc etc. But he has been sitting thinking about how all this relates to him. Addiction is selfish, mental illness by it's very nature is selfish.

I HOPE for your sake that this hasn't been the norm while you have been sick (sorry to hear that, you so didn't need this right now but I'm glad you are on the mend).

dandylion

fwn…...no, it is not normal.
In my experience in working with pregnant women...their alcoholics tend to increase their drinking around the birth...because, this is how they cope with their emotions....emotions around the increased responsibilities of having a child....
I know that your natural nesting emotions are putting great pressure on you to want the "nest" to be calm and stable.....
So, if you are planning to maintain the current living situation...the current status quo....this is my suggestion----Accept that he is drinking. Accept that he is "hiding" it. Lower the bar on your expectation of him and detach from him.
******Start making plans for your pre-partum...birth...and, post partum time.....
You Cannot count on him. You are going to need a lot of help and support for you, the new baby, and the other kids. Don't try to be a hero and do it all, yourself...or, you will probably get sick, again....trust me, on that!

If you are going to "bury your head in the sand"....make sure that you bury it so damned deep that you stop paying attention to him...lol....
Get the help that you need....
You can go to alanon
You can talk to your GYN...
You can talk to your counselor...
And, you have Us...lol....

AnvilheadII

I can see that 2 beers are missing from our fridge, no idea where the empty bottles are, it drives me crazy he tries to hide things from me in plain sight.

I also just noticed that there's another bottle of vodka missing from our liquor cabinet. I have no idea where it is, I cannot find it.

anyone with THAT much booze stocked and on hand is nowhere NEAR the desire to stop drinking. beer in the fridge AND a liquor cabinet???

he slammed a beer and THEN went to be with the kids. let's say you were monitoring the cameras and saw the BABYSITTER go to the garage, slam a beer, and THEN go sit with your kids. would THAT be ok??? knowing there was a houseful of booze yet to go?

no this is NOT normal. none of it.

FWN

Oh yes, I've done the 'get the alcohol out of the house' thing before and it's futile. We have a ton of beer and liquor at the house, and he's the only one who drinks it.

I just feel so trapped. I'm so exhausted and the thought of doing 3 young kids by myself seems impossible. I'm just so tired. I want a husband and a partner, not a 4th child at night.

Thanks everyone for listening. I feel so dumb for thinking that he'll just be okay with not drinking but gosh seeing him slam that beer in hiding on that video, it's just so depressing.

dandylion

fwn…...since you are not an alcoholic, you cannot possibly understand what it feels like to be in the grip of the disease...and,the powerful compulsion to drink that comes with it. to not drink, feels like a sort of death sentence to the alcoholic. At his stage, he needs to drink to just feel "normal".
I know that it feels difficult to see his emotional desperation, on camera, like you did.....But, maybe, it is good that you did....because it bring the true reality to life, for you.....
If he is not ready to quit...or want to want to quit...he just isn't ready....
That is all on his side of the street...as you can't control him....

but, you do have control over yourself and how you are going to handle the coming weeks....with a new baby coming....
You are going to have to put yourself and your children at the top of your priorities.…..
And, it is your job to take care of your children's mother....you are all they have between them and an alcoholic home....

Ariesagain

I’m so sorry you’re having to dealing with all this...

Sending you a big hug.

trailmix

It would be great, it would be nice, it would be wunderbar! if he would step up to the plate, sober up and take care of things. Unfortunately that is not right now.

You have yourself, two children and another on the way. So that is the 4 of you to look after. What dandylion says is so true, you need to detach from him and what he is up to, drinking, not drinking, whatever, it is of no importance right now (maybe later, just not right now). So yes, I agree, put your head in the sand for now, its actually your best course of action.

You will need support, of course and he will be of very little so gather the wagons. Friends? Family? Support organizations? Do you have a good babysitter? You might need to call him or her in more often once the baby is born so you can take breaks (perhaps even now while your Husband is at work, so you can get some extra time for yourself and extra sleep). Hopefully you have a family member that can perhaps come and stay with you for a week or two?

So yes, you can feel free to change your focus without any guilt.

clarity888

I'm really sorry, FWN, that you are going through this. You've been sick, knocked out w/major illnesses and then your kiddo(s) got it, all while you're pregnant. If your H cannot be depended on to look after you or kids while you are this vulnerable, conserve the energy you spend paying attention to him, and use it on finding ways to make life bearable for you for the next months. I hope there is an Al-Anon near you with babysitting, that would be great for you to get support that way. If you google "al anon meetings" for your area, if they have childcare it should say "BS". My AH did all his drinking in the garage too, and I never saw it on camera, I'm sure it would sadden me. He would over-enunciate to hide his slurring, and I gave up on counting or trying to figure out his "system" of drinking then being around me and DS afterward. Sending you prayers.

FWN

dandylion

fwn…...If he has been drinking heavily for a while...(he has probably been drinking more than you know about)…..he, may, indeed, be struggling with withdrawl symptoms. These symptoms set in, in a matter of hours, with a steady heavy drinker.
As the blood level of alcohol drops...the body temperature and pulse and blood pressure begins to rise....along with very uncomfortable anxiety and agitation (even if they don't look like it)
Withdrawl can be very dangerous in addition to the physical/emotional misery. Most will reach for a drink, if they can to keep the withdrawl within bounds.
I have detoxed hundreds of alcoholic, and, I personally, would never force anyone to go cold turkey....
For heavy drinkers and those in poor health, it is best to have a medically supervised detox if they are serious about wanting to get sober...for most this takes a few days....OR--at least to see a private doctor who might manage it, if the doctor thinks that the patient can do it as an outpatient...by following a certain protocol and certain meds...…

I am guessing that your husband would be opposed to seeing a doctor....as, I think that I remember that you all are trying to protect his public image....?...or, am I mistaken, about this....?

dandylion

fwn…..to answer your question, about would he listen to others who say the same things that you have told him...…
Bein his wife, he is less likely to listen to you, about his alcoholism, than anyone.
Why? Because, you are likely the one person who has pressured him about his drinking than anyone else...you have pressured him "where it hurts"....
Anyone...anyone...who comes between the alcoholic and their ability to drink, freely, is seen as the "enemy" and is terribly resented. Even if it is their loved one....
for alcoholics...other alcoholics and professionals who are especially trained are the best ones who can get through to an alcoholic.....
Even SO----If they are not ready to want to be sober....still wrapped in their denial, fear, and resistance....they are not likely to listen "hear" anyone.....

I hear you, about the stress.....It is of special concern for someone who is in the third trimester of a pregnancy.....
I am sure that you know about the impact of stress hormones on the pregnancy....
does your Gyn doctor know how much stress you are under...?

FallenAngelina

He guzzles in hiding because you are monitoring him on camera. People hide when they want freedom but are judged - any teenager will remind us of this. The more you monitor and judge him, the more he will hide.

LovePeaceSushi

We have cameras around the house, too. I've seen AH hide vodka in the weirdest places...(behind the fern by the door was my "favorite") In his right mind, he would have known that I get an Arlo alert every time there's motion in front of the camera. Under the influence, however, we all know that rational thinking goes out the window.

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this....PREGNANT, no less. And you're right - - it's not normal! Well...it becomes our normal.....but there are a slew of people out there that don't slam beer or liquor in hiding and allow it to take the #1 position in their life. Take care of yourself, momma!

dandylion

I have no experience with house cameras...but, I have heard people on reality shows say that, at first, they are aware of the cameras, but, after a while, they "forget" about them...….

AnvilheadII

what is or was the original purpose for putting up cameras around the house? maybe i'm too old, but i just don't get that?? if it's to "watch the kids" then wouldn't it be better to be WITH the children, then sitting at the monitor watching them from another room??

dandylion

Robbers, Anvil......robbers and pirates all over the place.

FallenAngelina

It's a trend right now - home security camera apps that let you see or hear from your mobile device what people are doing in and around your home. It's supposed to make people feel safe, but from what I observe in those who have these set-ups, it just serves to foment more and more fear. Everyone who has one seems to have a justification for "needing" to monitor their home, but I don't observe that anyone actually improves their quality of life with this technology. It's based on the fear of wrongdoing and the owners just end up walking around with even more fear and mistrust, whether it's justified or not.

All just my observations about the dubious merits of these home security apps systems.