Round a corner - Flash!
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: here, now.
Posts: 1,236
Round a corner - Flash!
I’m grateful to be sober today. Yesterday I randomly ended up driving on a street I never drive on, near where I lived five years ago when I last lived in this city. I was confronted with a pretty visceral memory of driving in exactly that place in my old car, and suddenly vomiting out the window. I could barely make the window go down fast enough and got puke on the side of the car, which ended up damaging the paint. I kept on drinking, of course.
The flashback triggered some more, probably because I never go to that neighborhood because I live in a different area now. The flashbacks were very unpleasant. At the time the triggering events occurred (5 - 6 years ago) I rationalized my actions to the hilt. Doesn’t everyone drive after a few drinks? I don’t remember last night because I was tired and I work so hard, not because I was *********. Everything is unmanageable in my life because of some external factor, not because I’m creating a chaotic, booze soaked, dramatic mess everywhere I go ...for others to clean up.
It was hard to jolt myself out of that. I was only there because I was trying to avoid rush hour traffic on my way home from the aquarium store, where I’d purchased some fish for a small fresh water tropical aquarium I’d received as a present from family a few months ago. I wanted to get home fast so the poor fish didn’t have to swim in a plastic bag. Fortunately transferring them into the aquarium kept me in the present. Unfortunately I dreamed about those unpleasant memories last night. Nothing significant, I just woke up in a general state of mind that is colored by them.
I think I need to revisit self forgiveness.
I’m so thankful and humbled to be sober. Yes that was me in those putrid, sad stories, but it’s not me anymore. I have today, and have had today for almost three years now. Thanks for listening.
Bexxed
The flashback triggered some more, probably because I never go to that neighborhood because I live in a different area now. The flashbacks were very unpleasant. At the time the triggering events occurred (5 - 6 years ago) I rationalized my actions to the hilt. Doesn’t everyone drive after a few drinks? I don’t remember last night because I was tired and I work so hard, not because I was *********. Everything is unmanageable in my life because of some external factor, not because I’m creating a chaotic, booze soaked, dramatic mess everywhere I go ...for others to clean up.
It was hard to jolt myself out of that. I was only there because I was trying to avoid rush hour traffic on my way home from the aquarium store, where I’d purchased some fish for a small fresh water tropical aquarium I’d received as a present from family a few months ago. I wanted to get home fast so the poor fish didn’t have to swim in a plastic bag. Fortunately transferring them into the aquarium kept me in the present. Unfortunately I dreamed about those unpleasant memories last night. Nothing significant, I just woke up in a general state of mind that is colored by them.
I think I need to revisit self forgiveness.
I’m so thankful and humbled to be sober. Yes that was me in those putrid, sad stories, but it’s not me anymore. I have today, and have had today for almost three years now. Thanks for listening.
Bexxed
Member
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 771
Isn’t it a relief that we never have to go through that kind of nonsense again? It’s totally understandable to still feel the sting of those memories; I experience that too. You are right; it’s a good reminder to be grateful for our sobriety. Sobriety = freedom.
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