Disclosing my ex’s alcoholism
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Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 395
Disclosing my ex’s alcoholism
Torn. Need some advice...
Before I left my XAGF a few months ago, we had started a business together... nothing legally or financially binding me (thankfully I left prior to all that!) — however, a friend of mine (who I’ve known for 20+ years) I had recommended to help on a large project of ours. She’s very respected in her field and is held in high regard. This person doesn’t know that my ex is an active alcoholic. She does know that I moved out, ended the relationship and am no longer involved in the business or any communication with my ex.
My friend is still trying to get the project started. We connected last week... and she briefly mentioned that my ex hasn’t been communicating and is waiting for bank financing. It would be a very large and expensive project. Money isn’t an issue for my ex... but her drinking & reliability IS!
Here is where I’m torn. Because she’s my good friend...do I...
-say nothing & let the balls fall wherever they will. My friend will obviously... at some point see that my ex is an unreliable, active alcoholic... but will have already signed a legal contract and/or receive her fee. It may (probably will) end up disastrous and she (most likely) will be very upset that I never warned her.
-privately disclose that my ex is an alcoholic... and it’s up to her whether to continue with the project.
-or, privately disclose that my ex is an alcoholic and truly warn her about moving forward with this project!
I honestly don’t want to be involved at all, but I care about my friend & our friendship... and I’m already starting to feel guilty about not warning her. I’m confused about boundaries here? I mean, all this is up to them... and it’s not my fault that my ex is an unreliable alcoholic...
however, I did bring my friend into the project...and if our roles were reversed, I’d want to be informed so I could make the best decision for myself.
What would you do?
Before I left my XAGF a few months ago, we had started a business together... nothing legally or financially binding me (thankfully I left prior to all that!) — however, a friend of mine (who I’ve known for 20+ years) I had recommended to help on a large project of ours. She’s very respected in her field and is held in high regard. This person doesn’t know that my ex is an active alcoholic. She does know that I moved out, ended the relationship and am no longer involved in the business or any communication with my ex.
My friend is still trying to get the project started. We connected last week... and she briefly mentioned that my ex hasn’t been communicating and is waiting for bank financing. It would be a very large and expensive project. Money isn’t an issue for my ex... but her drinking & reliability IS!
Here is where I’m torn. Because she’s my good friend...do I...
-say nothing & let the balls fall wherever they will. My friend will obviously... at some point see that my ex is an unreliable, active alcoholic... but will have already signed a legal contract and/or receive her fee. It may (probably will) end up disastrous and she (most likely) will be very upset that I never warned her.
-privately disclose that my ex is an alcoholic... and it’s up to her whether to continue with the project.
-or, privately disclose that my ex is an alcoholic and truly warn her about moving forward with this project!
I honestly don’t want to be involved at all, but I care about my friend & our friendship... and I’m already starting to feel guilty about not warning her. I’m confused about boundaries here? I mean, all this is up to them... and it’s not my fault that my ex is an unreliable alcoholic...
however, I did bring my friend into the project...and if our roles were reversed, I’d want to be informed so I could make the best decision for myself.
What would you do?
Member
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 296
I'd tell her why your relationship ended and let your friend decide if she wants to take a risk working with your ex. Puts the ball in her court and all you've done is stated the truth behind your split... Which you're perfectly to do.
Remember.. These are not your consequences. They're your exes. Losing clients due to addiction might help them sober up... Or not.
Remember.. These are not your consequences. They're your exes. Losing clients due to addiction might help them sober up... Or not.
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Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 1,614
Look I wouldnt sugarcoat nothing. Would feel worse if you didnt and they go along with projext and get burned. Feel me . knowing you could have prevented .a problem. Let them make the choice after you disclose that way you off the hook
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Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 395
Thank you everyone for your advice. I couldn’t sleep. I called my friend this morning and kept things very professional... just explained why I left. She thanked me... no surprise she already knew something was “off”... and had already noticed an issue and a few red flags. The rest is now up to her.
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Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 223
Good for you. It’s hard to believe sometimes that it is not my job to lie for my XAH anymore, because it always seemed like it was before. And does it make him look bad when I tell people the truth about MY life? Yes. But the truth is mine to tell and if it means my social circle is closed to him, that is on him. If I ever did anything that the mere knowing of the truth made people not trust me, well, that would be my responsibility.
If you’d kept your mouth shut, you would be in effect lying for your ex. If it was a stranger you knew this info about you would surely have told your friend before she made a big investment. Some may feel differently like it is talking out of school, but to me, telling people I could rely on the truth has been lifechanging, because now they know I need support.
If you’d kept your mouth shut, you would be in effect lying for your ex. If it was a stranger you knew this info about you would surely have told your friend before she made a big investment. Some may feel differently like it is talking out of school, but to me, telling people I could rely on the truth has been lifechanging, because now they know I need support.
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Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 395
Digging: ...it’s such a learning process for me! I do feel a little “bad” for disclosing her addiction. Am I better than I was?... definitely. But it was still difficult for me this morning. I started crying a bit during the call. My friend definitely knew it came from a compassionate place. For me, it was an important step. Keeping addiction a secret is such a huge issue... destroys one’s soul!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 395
Thanks again, everyone.
...thanks Bekindalways—
I’m still taking steps forward, and for that... I’m so grateful for.
But for me, around this point (the 2-3 month mark)... I start to miss her again. So I’m just trying to stay as busy as possible. The goal for me: 5 months of NC... I’ll definitely get there with a few emotional ups & downs.
Having to acknowledge why I broke up with her... with my ex brought many hurt feelings back. Also because this big project was our dream, together.
I’ll be OK... just another stage of grieving...
...thanks Bekindalways—
I’m still taking steps forward, and for that... I’m so grateful for.
But for me, around this point (the 2-3 month mark)... I start to miss her again. So I’m just trying to stay as busy as possible. The goal for me: 5 months of NC... I’ll definitely get there with a few emotional ups & downs.
Having to acknowledge why I broke up with her... with my ex brought many hurt feelings back. Also because this big project was our dream, together.
I’ll be OK... just another stage of grieving...
Life......At the 2-3month stage, after my awful relationship break-up, I can still remember having the pangs of missing him...so bad...I wanted that pain to be lifted...
Looking back, I think the thing that carried me forward through m y struggle of grieving was the nugget of knowledge that I carried, inside, that KNEW that it would come to an end...
I had been witness to so many others who were grieving a deep loss...so, I knew that healing did happen...that one could have a light and joyful heart, once again....
that knowledge was l ike a little candle in the big darkness that carried me...like a tiny little light house.....
I think that must be called faith....?
Life...keep your own little candle burning....
Looking back, I think the thing that carried me forward through m y struggle of grieving was the nugget of knowledge that I carried, inside, that KNEW that it would come to an end...
I had been witness to so many others who were grieving a deep loss...so, I knew that healing did happen...that one could have a light and joyful heart, once again....
that knowledge was l ike a little candle in the big darkness that carried me...like a tiny little light house.....
I think that must be called faith....?
Life...keep your own little candle burning....
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