I realized that my addiction is Toxic Men. Finally 15yrs later I recognized I love a addict
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Join Date: Jul 2019
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I realized that my addiction is Toxic Men. Finally 15yrs later I recognized I love a addict
(SORRY it's soooo long!!) Hi. I've been lurking and reading for a while now. I wasted many years on a man that was an addict and never knew until the end. I finally confirmed he was an addict with my current boyfriend now. You see, the current one is an addict. Claimed he was done with all of that after 20yrs years of doing hardcore drugs, but it was wishful thinking on both our parts I think. I believe he really tried to quit, and he did relapse our first year together, but I've been reading that they lie about how much they really use. I actually caught him red handed and he couldn't lie to me about it. Promises of quitting, wanting to get his life straight, for himself, for us. We were great, he was never violent towards me. But I didn't know he was continuing using off and on. Time goes by, close to our third year together it seems like he's good, clean for almost 4 months and then he relapsed again, worse this time it seems. We lived together so he could no longer hide it, I could tell if/when he was on cocaine. It seems like now he was doing it at least twice a month. He was no longer affectionate towards me, no longer wanted to spend quality time with me, and separated himself and his children from me and my son. We no longer did things as a blended family. I tried to be understanding, we were THAT favorite couple that everyone loved. But as I got to know him better, I felt like he was a complete lie. He's had so many women in and out of his life, all the same as his background, completely different than me. I guess he thought a woman like myself could help him straighten out his life, but no. I fell in love with him hard. I feel like I'm addicted to him. I caught him texting another woman of his past and he flipped out when I confronted him about it. Got mad, said he was done with us, didn't love me anymore and wasn't in love with me anymore and wasn't attracted to me anymore and that he'd been feeling that way for a while and left to his friends (that's also an addict) and didn't come home that night. He came back the next day, we talked got over it and then within 2 weeks during the middle of the week (it's been on wknds that he's gotten high) he used again. I know, I knowww he's an addict and he's being selfish due to him using, but how did he fall out of love within just a month or two? When we argued we always worked things out and got back on track and now he just shut me out. Completely. We were buying a house and he backed out on that too! Now he's all, I'll always love you, but we're done. We have about 3-4 months on our lease, and we sleep in different bedrooms and he acts all normal, like it doesn't bother him at all, and he says it doesn't. That we're adults and have to figure this out the right way. I don't even know WTF I did to make him shut down like this? He's been home the past 3 weeks since he last got high, seems like he's trying to quit again. I feel so sad, and depressed. I can't believe we're over but at the same time I KNOW it's for the best. I know he's doing me the favor, but it feels like a lie, like he led me on and used me. Like I was just another disposable woman to add on to his list. I cannot stop crying. I know he's an addict, he's been pushing me away, and yet I'm still here feeling like I'll die without him. I feel like I'm a sick drug addict, the way I'm acting over him. I don't speak to him, it's easier to try to let go.
I've been holding it all inside and it's just great to have somewhere I can vent, and can have someone that understands what I'm going through.
I've been holding it all inside and it's just great to have somewhere I can vent, and can have someone that understands what I'm going through.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,628
Hi Curious. I've heard this said at SR more than once. Addict gets involved with a nice, non-using woman or man and that is what they want!
You were a family, you both have children, your life was probably really "normal" - except for the drug use.
Fast forward a few months and not only is he continuing to use, he's starting to get involved with woman that like what he likes, drugs.
When you see it like that, it kind of makes sense. I think many alcoholics/addicts WANT a normal life, free of drugs and being around people who are not drugged out of their minds but achieving that is a whole different story.
How can he fall out of love, just walk away? You have a third party in your relationship and always have, cocaine. "They" don't always lie about how much they use/drink, but some do. You obviously disapprove of the drug use so he's hiding it and who knows what else.
Above all, protect yourself (including using protection if it comes to that) you may also want to get yourself tested.
I'm so sorry you got hurt in this mess. The sooner you get away from him the better.
A book that is often recommended around here is Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. I'm not saying you are codependent but there is a lot of good information in the book including information about boundaries.
I'm glad you decided to post.
You were a family, you both have children, your life was probably really "normal" - except for the drug use.
Fast forward a few months and not only is he continuing to use, he's starting to get involved with woman that like what he likes, drugs.
When you see it like that, it kind of makes sense. I think many alcoholics/addicts WANT a normal life, free of drugs and being around people who are not drugged out of their minds but achieving that is a whole different story.
How can he fall out of love, just walk away? You have a third party in your relationship and always have, cocaine. "They" don't always lie about how much they use/drink, but some do. You obviously disapprove of the drug use so he's hiding it and who knows what else.
Above all, protect yourself (including using protection if it comes to that) you may also want to get yourself tested.
I'm so sorry you got hurt in this mess. The sooner you get away from him the better.
A book that is often recommended around here is Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. I'm not saying you are codependent but there is a lot of good information in the book including information about boundaries.
I'm glad you decided to post.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 471
So sorry you are going through this.
Loving an addict is bewildering because the behaviors one might expect from a normal person do not apply. So we often try to make sense of something that does not make sense until we look at it through the proper lens.
If you are looking at this relationship through the colored lenses of normalcy, then an addict's behavior makes no sense. When you look through the lens that an active addict's primary aim is to protect their supply and use of chemicals, then it all will begin to make more sense. Horrifying, but logical. If you can accept that and educate yourself, you will be able to free yourself. This is very hard, but possible.
One of the things I had to come to grips with is that my own unhealed emotional wounds made me a sitting duck for codependency. The book trailmix suggested is a lifesaver.
There is a saying in recovery : "keep the focus where it belongs, on yourself". If you can fully accept that your boyfriend is an active addict and it is up to him (and him alone) to seek recovery and do his own work, then the best thing you can do for him and for you is to focus on your own recovery.
I also came to realize that the ingenuity and resourcefulness that an addict applies to obtaining, using and hiding drugs is energy they can put toward recovery - when they want to. So they are not "victims" - they are responsible, resourceful people who are misguided and will not seek real recovery until they realize how misguided they are - which usually involves a lot of suffering for everyone.
Maybe consider NarAnon, Alanon, CoDa or other types of meetings for support. Recovery is a long journey.
Prayers for clarity, healing and peace,
Loving an addict is bewildering because the behaviors one might expect from a normal person do not apply. So we often try to make sense of something that does not make sense until we look at it through the proper lens.
If you are looking at this relationship through the colored lenses of normalcy, then an addict's behavior makes no sense. When you look through the lens that an active addict's primary aim is to protect their supply and use of chemicals, then it all will begin to make more sense. Horrifying, but logical. If you can accept that and educate yourself, you will be able to free yourself. This is very hard, but possible.
One of the things I had to come to grips with is that my own unhealed emotional wounds made me a sitting duck for codependency. The book trailmix suggested is a lifesaver.
There is a saying in recovery : "keep the focus where it belongs, on yourself". If you can fully accept that your boyfriend is an active addict and it is up to him (and him alone) to seek recovery and do his own work, then the best thing you can do for him and for you is to focus on your own recovery.
I also came to realize that the ingenuity and resourcefulness that an addict applies to obtaining, using and hiding drugs is energy they can put toward recovery - when they want to. So they are not "victims" - they are responsible, resourceful people who are misguided and will not seek real recovery until they realize how misguided they are - which usually involves a lot of suffering for everyone.
Maybe consider NarAnon, Alanon, CoDa or other types of meetings for support. Recovery is a long journey.
Prayers for clarity, healing and peace,
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2019
Posts: 6
Thank you both for the response and advice. I've been reading and researching for over a year now, and it's like I'm in denial. My mind isn't, but my heart is.
He's failed at every single relationship, because of the drug use, why did I think ours wouldn't? I guess because all of his friends and family were happy for him, for us. That he had made positive changes in his life and I was a part of that great positive change.
I saw it creeping in little by little. Off and on with the drug use came the selfishness and he just stopped trying in our relationship. I do give him some credit, he did try, and he was somewhat different with this relationship up until the end. Same MO, drug use, abandoning our relationship to hang out with other drug addict friends, and then getting back in contact with ex women of his past that were just flings or friends with benefits.
I'm keeping busy, have always stayed in contact with my friends and had a separate life from his, because I've always been independent but when it comes to men, I'm weak. I'm insecure and I let them walk all over me, except this time. He's the one that officially ended our relationship, but I always had my boundaries that he wasn't allowed to cross.
I have 4 months to live under the same roof with this man and it's been hell, and heartbreaking. He's been respectful, does his own thing on the weekends with his kids, and I do the same and sometimes just stay the away the whole weekend.
It's hard. I haven't felt like this in years. I was single for a very long time because I was being "picky" but apparently not too picky to choose the same type of toxic man as my past one.
He's fine. No care in the world. Like missing an emotional chip in his brain or something. I love him and then I start hating him.
He's failed at every single relationship, because of the drug use, why did I think ours wouldn't? I guess because all of his friends and family were happy for him, for us. That he had made positive changes in his life and I was a part of that great positive change.
I saw it creeping in little by little. Off and on with the drug use came the selfishness and he just stopped trying in our relationship. I do give him some credit, he did try, and he was somewhat different with this relationship up until the end. Same MO, drug use, abandoning our relationship to hang out with other drug addict friends, and then getting back in contact with ex women of his past that were just flings or friends with benefits.
I'm keeping busy, have always stayed in contact with my friends and had a separate life from his, because I've always been independent but when it comes to men, I'm weak. I'm insecure and I let them walk all over me, except this time. He's the one that officially ended our relationship, but I always had my boundaries that he wasn't allowed to cross.
I have 4 months to live under the same roof with this man and it's been hell, and heartbreaking. He's been respectful, does his own thing on the weekends with his kids, and I do the same and sometimes just stay the away the whole weekend.
It's hard. I haven't felt like this in years. I was single for a very long time because I was being "picky" but apparently not too picky to choose the same type of toxic man as my past one.
He's fine. No care in the world. Like missing an emotional chip in his brain or something. I love him and then I start hating him.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,628
Curious there is a thread in the Friends and Family of Alcoholics forum that you might find relatable/helpful:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...so-easily.html (why do they forget us so easily?)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...so-easily.html (why do they forget us so easily?)
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
He's an addict, he cheats, he doesn't take responsibility for his actions and his words don't back his actions...I am soooo sorry you are hurt by all this, but friend, it's time to let go and take care of yourself and your child first and foremost.
He isn't about to change any time soon, it may be painful to leave but I promise you that it will be more painful to stay.
Have you tried Al-anon, Nar-anon or Coda or other family groups that deal with living an addicted person?
It is hard to figure out why we stay in a toxic relationship (for me it was my son), but once we break free and begin to heal and find our balance, I promise that life gets better and you will make healthier choices for yourself and your child.
He isn't about to change any time soon, it may be painful to leave but I promise you that it will be more painful to stay.
Have you tried Al-anon, Nar-anon or Coda or other family groups that deal with living an addicted person?
It is hard to figure out why we stay in a toxic relationship (for me it was my son), but once we break free and begin to heal and find our balance, I promise that life gets better and you will make healthier choices for yourself and your child.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2019
Posts: 6
Thank you all for the info. and encouraging words. I'm hanging in there, trying to. During the day I'm good, keep busy at work. Even in the evenings spending time with my son, it's late a night. When I'm in bed, it comes and I can't escape the sadness and just cry. I can't stand feeling this way, weak.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Curious, I find that when disturbing thoughts try to sneak into my head at night, a distraction helps me fall asleep. Classical music helps, I focus on every note and don't allow my mind to wander, or reading something inspiring or funny or a good whodunnit novel helps too.
You can overcome this, you are doing well distracting yourself with positive things during the day, night is harder but not if you have a plan.
It will get easier over time. It took a long time for things to get this bad, just keep working on positive healthy things and you will soon start feeling healthier and happier again. I promise.
You can overcome this, you are doing well distracting yourself with positive things during the day, night is harder but not if you have a plan.
It will get easier over time. It took a long time for things to get this bad, just keep working on positive healthy things and you will soon start feeling healthier and happier again. I promise.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2019
Posts: 6
Wow, I've gone through most of the old threads, and my ex has all of the classic addict patterns. I was thinking, not him, he isn't violent, works and takes care of his kids. But I think I've realized, he's a functional addict, even if he only uses twice a month or relapses, he's an addict and always will be.
He can't stand being alone, even if it's just meaningless sex or whatever. He has to have a woman in his life and his MO is to get in contact with past ones or find a new one before cutting all ties with his current relationship.
He plays the mister nice guy "I will always love you and care for you" b/s. I know for a fact because I had gone through his phone in the past(I stopped doing that because it mentally drove me sick & crazy) and that's what he would say to women when he ended the relationship. And he does that to stay on good terms with them so he can string them along and when his current relationship starts falling apart, he has those women as backups. Pretty messed up, but he has no morals and is selfish - typical addict patterns.
I'm mad at myself for falling for this type of toxic man AGAIN. I thought I had healed and waited years before going into a committed relationship again but I was wrong. I'm feeling better, accepting what it is, what it was. It's just hard having to live under the same roof together. The tension and awkwardness is there I feel sad that it went from being so in love, supposedly, to hating him the way I do.
Thank you, to those that have responded or even taken the time to read my post. I appreciate it, and I'm glad I accidentally found this place to be able to vent and share my feelings.
He can't stand being alone, even if it's just meaningless sex or whatever. He has to have a woman in his life and his MO is to get in contact with past ones or find a new one before cutting all ties with his current relationship.
He plays the mister nice guy "I will always love you and care for you" b/s. I know for a fact because I had gone through his phone in the past(I stopped doing that because it mentally drove me sick & crazy) and that's what he would say to women when he ended the relationship. And he does that to stay on good terms with them so he can string them along and when his current relationship starts falling apart, he has those women as backups. Pretty messed up, but he has no morals and is selfish - typical addict patterns.
I'm mad at myself for falling for this type of toxic man AGAIN. I thought I had healed and waited years before going into a committed relationship again but I was wrong. I'm feeling better, accepting what it is, what it was. It's just hard having to live under the same roof together. The tension and awkwardness is there I feel sad that it went from being so in love, supposedly, to hating him the way I do.
Thank you, to those that have responded or even taken the time to read my post. I appreciate it, and I'm glad I accidentally found this place to be able to vent and share my feelings.
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Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 980
Curious
I don't know your boyfriend at all. However based on what I know about drug addiction, I cant imagine if he is an addict, he is only using twice a month. Its very much easier for me to conclude he simply hid his regular drug use from you, until there came a time when he could no longer hide it.
I went through the same scenario. She hid everything from me until there came a point in time where she could no longer hide it. It became way too difficult & confusing for her. She couldn't keep the stories straight & I was asking questions.
Im my case she decided, over about a three month period, to come clean & openly tell me a lot about her life. Her tragic addicted life . For me an overwhelming amount of info.
I understand how you feel late nights. Been there often. It is very difficult but as others have said it does get easier with time.
I don't know your boyfriend at all. However based on what I know about drug addiction, I cant imagine if he is an addict, he is only using twice a month. Its very much easier for me to conclude he simply hid his regular drug use from you, until there came a time when he could no longer hide it.
I went through the same scenario. She hid everything from me until there came a point in time where she could no longer hide it. It became way too difficult & confusing for her. She couldn't keep the stories straight & I was asking questions.
Im my case she decided, over about a three month period, to come clean & openly tell me a lot about her life. Her tragic addicted life . For me an overwhelming amount of info.
I understand how you feel late nights. Been there often. It is very difficult but as others have said it does get easier with time.
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