Can't stop questioning my perception of things
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Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 76
Can't stop questioning my perception of things
Hello---
I posted on here about a recent breakup with a woman who in my opinion has a major drinking problem. We were engaged, and she ended it. I was pretty terrible as far as how a partner should be during an engagement---not excited or Enthusiatic, nor investing anything into the plans. For that, she had every right to do what she did and I don't blame her. BUT, as I mentioned, her actions for the duration of the relationship were to me not remotely acceptable.
I'm having a really tough time with this and I find myself constantly questioning whether my reactions and attitude were overblown and it wasn't as bad as it seemed. Even as I write this I am thinking back and for some crazy reason, still I'm torn. Using the examples below, would this behavior definitely be a real problem that probably would never go away?
1) 2-3 solid glasses of wine per night during the week. Generally every night during a 2.5 yr relationship. The rare Tuesday or Wednesday without it. When I gave her enough **** about it, she would act like she was drinking sparkling water and spike it with vodka.
2) masking the amount of alcohol drank by filling bottles back up with water to show minimal usage. The weird thing was, even on nights of only drinking 3/4ths of a bottle, sometimes it was refilled just to show half was drank. Making a spritzer as she would call it.
3) weekends were generally always 2 nights, sometimes 3, of getting actually drunk. Sometimes to the point of struggling to walk and on 3 or 4 occasions, falling down. And if we went out to dinner with her family, like on most Friday's, a trip to liquor store was always in order after the 3 or so drinks at dinner. Of course, they didn't really know about the additional drinks.
4) continuing this lifestyle, without fail, despite my constant criticism of it and clear misery whenever it was happening. Keep in mind, during non drinking timws we were like a in inseparable team, mostly having fun and laughing often. She was never in a bad mood, drunk or not.
This is definitely the dumbest thing I've ever written. The answer is obvious. But, is it normal to have these questions and question myself and my reaction so much? I do miss her so much, and I don't know why, given the circumstances. She had been reaching out to me here and there until around the 4th of July, where she made a comment about her dad hating me and said "do you want him to call you", almost as a threat. To clear it up, I instead picked up the phone and called him. We didn't talk so i sent him a message via text thanking him for many things he did, telling him I loved his daughter and only wanted to see her healthy and happy. He replied that he said to stop with all contact, that we are incompatible on so many levels and he was going to "insist" that we stop communicating. I haven't heard from her since!! And I'm not gonna lie, I'm in a ton of pain and can't get her, or the whole situation, out of my mind. Because at the end of the day, I keep thinking of only the good times and as I mentioned, keep foolishly questioning whether or not this was as great of an issue as i made it out to be from pretty much the start----
I posted on here about a recent breakup with a woman who in my opinion has a major drinking problem. We were engaged, and she ended it. I was pretty terrible as far as how a partner should be during an engagement---not excited or Enthusiatic, nor investing anything into the plans. For that, she had every right to do what she did and I don't blame her. BUT, as I mentioned, her actions for the duration of the relationship were to me not remotely acceptable.
I'm having a really tough time with this and I find myself constantly questioning whether my reactions and attitude were overblown and it wasn't as bad as it seemed. Even as I write this I am thinking back and for some crazy reason, still I'm torn. Using the examples below, would this behavior definitely be a real problem that probably would never go away?
1) 2-3 solid glasses of wine per night during the week. Generally every night during a 2.5 yr relationship. The rare Tuesday or Wednesday without it. When I gave her enough **** about it, she would act like she was drinking sparkling water and spike it with vodka.
2) masking the amount of alcohol drank by filling bottles back up with water to show minimal usage. The weird thing was, even on nights of only drinking 3/4ths of a bottle, sometimes it was refilled just to show half was drank. Making a spritzer as she would call it.
3) weekends were generally always 2 nights, sometimes 3, of getting actually drunk. Sometimes to the point of struggling to walk and on 3 or 4 occasions, falling down. And if we went out to dinner with her family, like on most Friday's, a trip to liquor store was always in order after the 3 or so drinks at dinner. Of course, they didn't really know about the additional drinks.
4) continuing this lifestyle, without fail, despite my constant criticism of it and clear misery whenever it was happening. Keep in mind, during non drinking timws we were like a in inseparable team, mostly having fun and laughing often. She was never in a bad mood, drunk or not.
This is definitely the dumbest thing I've ever written. The answer is obvious. But, is it normal to have these questions and question myself and my reaction so much? I do miss her so much, and I don't know why, given the circumstances. She had been reaching out to me here and there until around the 4th of July, where she made a comment about her dad hating me and said "do you want him to call you", almost as a threat. To clear it up, I instead picked up the phone and called him. We didn't talk so i sent him a message via text thanking him for many things he did, telling him I loved his daughter and only wanted to see her healthy and happy. He replied that he said to stop with all contact, that we are incompatible on so many levels and he was going to "insist" that we stop communicating. I haven't heard from her since!! And I'm not gonna lie, I'm in a ton of pain and can't get her, or the whole situation, out of my mind. Because at the end of the day, I keep thinking of only the good times and as I mentioned, keep foolishly questioning whether or not this was as great of an issue as i made it out to be from pretty much the start----
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
California…...I think you know the answer to your own question....and, you have said as much in your post. I think that, in your grieving, you are at a "bargaining stage"....where you might be desperately hoping that someone will say that you are making a mountain out of a molehill,,,thereby giving you "permission" to reverse reality....
the pain of grieving is so great that the mind will do all kinds of gymnastics to try to take away the awful reality....
At least, this is the way I look at this question....
I consider what you are going through, is a necessary process in order to move along to future healing. I call it the short-term pain for the long-term gain.....
It has only been a short time....so, it will not always feel like this....
This is not to minimize your pain, at all...because breaking this kind of bonding is one of the most painful experiences for a person....
I have been there, for sure....
the pain of grieving is so great that the mind will do all kinds of gymnastics to try to take away the awful reality....
At least, this is the way I look at this question....
I consider what you are going through, is a necessary process in order to move along to future healing. I call it the short-term pain for the long-term gain.....
It has only been a short time....so, it will not always feel like this....
This is not to minimize your pain, at all...because breaking this kind of bonding is one of the most painful experiences for a person....
I have been there, for sure....
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Yes, the answer is obvious, as you pointed out.
You can add to the list of serious signs of addiction (disguising the amounts, lying about what she was drinking, getting wasted every weekend, etc.) that rather disturbing relationship with her father. Why would he be so directly involved in determining the future of her relationships? Something isn’t right there.
You ask why you miss her? You loved the good parts. Unfortunately, they came with an unacceptable number of bad parts.
It’s hard to love someone and have the relationship end. It’s only human to revisit the reasons for a while and be nostalgic for what has been lost. It’s part of grieving, yes?
The only answer is time. You were still in contact ten days ago...you’re in the hardest part of the letting go. It will get better, not in any linear way, but it will. You’re doing the right thing.
Sending you strength and clarity.
You can add to the list of serious signs of addiction (disguising the amounts, lying about what she was drinking, getting wasted every weekend, etc.) that rather disturbing relationship with her father. Why would he be so directly involved in determining the future of her relationships? Something isn’t right there.
You ask why you miss her? You loved the good parts. Unfortunately, they came with an unacceptable number of bad parts.
It’s hard to love someone and have the relationship end. It’s only human to revisit the reasons for a while and be nostalgic for what has been lost. It’s part of grieving, yes?
The only answer is time. You were still in contact ten days ago...you’re in the hardest part of the letting go. It will get better, not in any linear way, but it will. You’re doing the right thing.
Sending you strength and clarity.
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
is it normal to have these questions and question myself and my reaction so much?
Yes. For those of us affected by this disease of alcoholism, it's very normal. I find SR and Al-Anon great for understanding and healing. There's something about being in a group of people both here and in person and always hearing something that helps. Layers of allowing myself to view life in new ways and stepping away from my own thoughts, habits and behaviors that were hurting me.
I do miss her so much, and I don't know why, given the circumstances
Some info on trauma bonding:
"Remember that abuse involves a slow erosion of boundaries over time. The abuser first idealizes the victim, then begins to test and push the boundaries of the victim once he or she has already been conned into the sham of a relationship. Meanwhile, the survivor of abuse is like a frog in slowly boiling water, gaslit into believing that it is all their fault, not knowing the danger they’re in until it’s too late.
We need to be able to take into account the idea that emotional and psychological abuse, much like assault or any other form of physical violence, is not our fault. We can own our agency and heal without having to blame ourselves in the process. The fault lies with the perpetrator, not with the victim.
Once someone has been traumatized, again and again by someone who claimed to love them, once an abuser has warped the victim’s reality and caused him or to mistrust their perceptions through gaslighting, once a victim has been made to believe he or she is worthless, they are already traumatically bonded to their abusers. It often takes a great deal of support, validation and resources in order for victims to detach from their abusers and begin to heal."
Yes. For those of us affected by this disease of alcoholism, it's very normal. I find SR and Al-Anon great for understanding and healing. There's something about being in a group of people both here and in person and always hearing something that helps. Layers of allowing myself to view life in new ways and stepping away from my own thoughts, habits and behaviors that were hurting me.
I do miss her so much, and I don't know why, given the circumstances
Some info on trauma bonding:
"Remember that abuse involves a slow erosion of boundaries over time. The abuser first idealizes the victim, then begins to test and push the boundaries of the victim once he or she has already been conned into the sham of a relationship. Meanwhile, the survivor of abuse is like a frog in slowly boiling water, gaslit into believing that it is all their fault, not knowing the danger they’re in until it’s too late.
We need to be able to take into account the idea that emotional and psychological abuse, much like assault or any other form of physical violence, is not our fault. We can own our agency and heal without having to blame ourselves in the process. The fault lies with the perpetrator, not with the victim.
Once someone has been traumatized, again and again by someone who claimed to love them, once an abuser has warped the victim’s reality and caused him or to mistrust their perceptions through gaslighting, once a victim has been made to believe he or she is worthless, they are already traumatically bonded to their abusers. It often takes a great deal of support, validation and resources in order for victims to detach from their abusers and begin to heal."
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
California….there are many thousands of posts, here, and there are a lot of people who have had the alcoholic leave, as well....
I had a breakup of about a 4yr. relationship....and, I was the one who was left...and neither one of us was an alcoholic or addict! (I was unable to have more children, and he wanted his own biologic ones)…..
I have witnessed more grieving people than I can count (I am in a helping profession)….and, early grieving sounds exactly similar to yours.....
It seems to be common human experience...and, reactions, no matter what the situation or cause of the breakup....
In this sense, you sound very "normal" to me....
I had a breakup of about a 4yr. relationship....and, I was the one who was left...and neither one of us was an alcoholic or addict! (I was unable to have more children, and he wanted his own biologic ones)…..
I have witnessed more grieving people than I can count (I am in a helping profession)….and, early grieving sounds exactly similar to yours.....
It seems to be common human experience...and, reactions, no matter what the situation or cause of the breakup....
In this sense, you sound very "normal" to me....
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,639
"I know in that state our relationship wss doomed, but I always hoped she'd see the light and get sober, or at least drink on even a moderately healthy level".
You are probably still holding on to that "hope" in some ways. She will see the light, she will see the great relationship we had, she will get help and get sober and etc etc. Now that she has cut contact with you it's rather devastating for you to know this hope is gone.
You also hoped she might drink on a moderate level. Alcoholics cannot drink at a moderate level.
If you look at it from her perspective (and I'm just surmising here), yours was not a great relationship. She is a person who wants to drink and you are a person who doesn't want her to (and I'm sure you let her know that often). Who wants to live that way?
You have a problem with her drinking - she doesn't.
You wanted her to change and she doesn't want to, that's kind of the bottom line. So to her, while the huge elephant in the room of alcoholism SEEMS to you like the big problem, to her it's not, it's you.
Now, that doesn't appear to make sense but in a way it kind of does. You wanted her to change to be what you want her to be, that's not a great basis for any relationship, romantic or not.
Your perception about the drinking is not wrong. Then again, if she only had one beer a night and you found that offensive, then one would be too many for the lifestyle you need.
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Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 223
I don’t know if everyone second guesses themselves, but I certainly took a very long time to understand that my XAH was in fact an alcoholic. We were together for eight years and it was really only in the last six months of the relationship that I use that word in my own head, despite an astronomical amount of drinking.
even now, when he acts like a normal human being for a couple of weeks ( as far as I can tell from pick up and drop off of our mutual child ) I still wonder to myself, is he really completely off the deep end? Am I overthinking this or exaggerating? It is bad enough I managed to get an emergency custody order based on his conduct and still I question myself.
I could imagine if you were not the person to end the relationship, and you hadn’t worked all the way through the mental process when it ended, it would be even more confusing. But you are not nuts, you are not wrong, and once you get to the other side of processing all this, hopefully you will be grateful to have been kicked off the roller coaster before you were ready to jump.
even now, when he acts like a normal human being for a couple of weeks ( as far as I can tell from pick up and drop off of our mutual child ) I still wonder to myself, is he really completely off the deep end? Am I overthinking this or exaggerating? It is bad enough I managed to get an emergency custody order based on his conduct and still I question myself.
I could imagine if you were not the person to end the relationship, and you hadn’t worked all the way through the mental process when it ended, it would be even more confusing. But you are not nuts, you are not wrong, and once you get to the other side of processing all this, hopefully you will be grateful to have been kicked off the roller coaster before you were ready to jump.
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Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 82
I too was in a relationship with an alcoholic man who seemed perfect in so many ways. I wished so hard for his good side to take over and destroy the evil abusive side. I dishonored myself by putting up with crap until I was beginning to believe it was my fault. I had to understand he was 1 person not 2 but he came with both personalities. I could not have got through it without this forum. I have felt too ashamed to tell any friends or family and I never will. I have been NC for over 6 weeks and I am stronger than ever and you will get there.... trust me you will. Be kind to yourself, eat and sleep well. You deserve happiness!!
Last edited by Meadow123; 07-16-2019 at 08:48 PM. Reason: Spelling error
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Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 5,169
From your perspective, she was the one with the intolerable behavior (and I would agree). Oddly, you're asking why she was the one to break it off. But I think it's a waste of time to try to understand these things. Alcoholics are not that reliable, nor does their behavior make much sense.
I get the part about you loving her, or at least thinking you did. When a person gets dumped, they often seek closure, because closure may help the dent in one's ego. Beyond that, I suppose it's nice to understand, but what's important to me is that you don't need to understand, and it may not even be understandable anyway. The appropriate action here is to move on. Don't beat yourself up wondering about things you have no control over.
As a recovering alcoholic, I would never marry a drinking partner. It's a non starter. You will be happy about this one day.
I get the part about you loving her, or at least thinking you did. When a person gets dumped, they often seek closure, because closure may help the dent in one's ego. Beyond that, I suppose it's nice to understand, but what's important to me is that you don't need to understand, and it may not even be understandable anyway. The appropriate action here is to move on. Don't beat yourself up wondering about things you have no control over.
As a recovering alcoholic, I would never marry a drinking partner. It's a non starter. You will be happy about this one day.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2019
Posts: 23
Questioning yourself and feeling like you have to wonder about everything is quite common. I know I felt the same way. Though you obviously love this person a lot it’s time to focus on you, on your healing. I hope she can find the same, but you have to put your oxygen mask on first before others. And if it’s meant to be, after some self reflection, maybe it can happen again. An A is only going to do what their behavior tells them to continue to do, no matter how we nag. They have to make the decision not to drink.
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Join Date: May 2019
Posts: 216
I am sorry this is happening to you. I am in a similar situation, even if myself and my fiance kind of broke up mutually. But I was still hoping that he WILL 'choose' our relationship over a bottle. What im still slow to realise (but do somehow unfortunately by now) is that their minds are telling them they dont really have any other choice (nor therefore, a desire either) than to continue with what they are doing and with their drinking lifestyle. Sad but true, as the mind is affected so rational part of it is pretty much f*ed up.
Also, this with family standing by her side is not unusual either- lot of them would be almost BOUND by similar issues and problems, and so they kind of protect each other in some sick sense even.
I was 'close' with many of the members of my fiance's family. But now I am not in contact with any of them. They most probably dont even care altogether-unfortunately, nor anyone reached out in any sort of (comforting for me) way. After all, what do you expect from ENABLERS, which they all kind of are as otherwise they would be doing NC with their addicts in the family too, or at least would make some sort of intervention happening. That is, if the would TRULY be interested in anyones health and wellbeing.
I wish you endurance with this- I am again NC since recently, as we talked after awhile and its getting worse with each conversation, as he is not even close to thinking of asking for help, nor seeing that he has ANY issue with alcohol. He also told me I should 'mind my own business'. SO there...
Also, this with family standing by her side is not unusual either- lot of them would be almost BOUND by similar issues and problems, and so they kind of protect each other in some sick sense even.
I was 'close' with many of the members of my fiance's family. But now I am not in contact with any of them. They most probably dont even care altogether-unfortunately, nor anyone reached out in any sort of (comforting for me) way. After all, what do you expect from ENABLERS, which they all kind of are as otherwise they would be doing NC with their addicts in the family too, or at least would make some sort of intervention happening. That is, if the would TRULY be interested in anyones health and wellbeing.
I wish you endurance with this- I am again NC since recently, as we talked after awhile and its getting worse with each conversation, as he is not even close to thinking of asking for help, nor seeing that he has ANY issue with alcohol. He also told me I should 'mind my own business'. SO there...
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Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 76
Thank you all for the heartfelt replies. They certainly are so helpful. And the great part of these dialogues is that while they are in fact unbelievably helpful for me, I think they allow healing and clarity for those who contribute. Truly a great thing that exists here---
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