How do you stop second guessing every. tiny. decision.
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Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 66
How do you stop second guessing every. tiny. decision.
I am separated from my AH 4 months. I am not talking about big decisions like separating or taking the new job I took. Ironically I am comfortable with those decisions. It's more the smaller decisions. I feel like I am always looking out for unintended consequences. I am always checking myself for bias in how I feel. This is hard to explain. should I have said this (even though it was genuine)...should I have picked this apartment in this neighborhood (it's a fine neighborhood)... should I call the doctor should I put the dog on flea medication... I am 44 years old. I have a good head on my shoulders. And I have my own life. my Q wouldn't even know about most of these decisions, it's not even about him. I also feel this way about my feelings (lol)... *should* I feel some way... almost like a guilt if I am not happy all the time... is it something about living with active alcoholism that created this? or is this part of codependency? I'm sick of questioning myself. Its exhausting.
has anyone else dealt with this and do you have any practical ideas?
yes I am active in al anon 😊
has anyone else dealt with this and do you have any practical ideas?
yes I am active in al anon 😊
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
Al-Anon will do it. 
Yes, I've experienced it. My thoughts and feelings are very different now. Confident, sure, kind to myself in ways that are really good and completely different from how I used to view kindness!
My internal self-talk has changed.
Kudos on your self-awareness and the steps you're taking to allow yourself to heal.
Yes, I've experienced it. My thoughts and feelings are very different now. Confident, sure, kind to myself in ways that are really good and completely different from how I used to view kindness!
My internal self-talk has changed.
Kudos on your self-awareness and the steps you're taking to allow yourself to heal.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
The more time you spend with a front row seat in craziness, the more you’re told that up is down and black is white, the more you're gaslighted and told that your reactions are wrong, the more you are taught not to trust yourself. It’s absolutely understandable.
You might want to investigate getting some one on one therapy to help you re-learn to believe in your instincts and abilities again?
Sending you a hug.
P.S. Yes, the dog needs flea meds.
You might want to investigate getting some one on one therapy to help you re-learn to believe in your instincts and abilities again?
Sending you a hug.
P.S. Yes, the dog needs flea meds.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,617
I know exactly what you mean and I do think as Aries said it's that front row to craziness.
This happened to me after a series of events and dating a narcissist. Oh I was wonderful BUT I wouldn't do what he wanted, so I was not wonderful! But I was wonderful and if I would just move in with him then I could continue to be wonderful blah blah quack quack nonsense.
Well, due to the series of events that proceeded this, and after breaking up with him, I was thinking like you are and always second guessing myself.
Oh that person seems - angry, are they? Was what I said ok? Wth!! So what I did was run it by a trusted person to get some perspective and that was really helpful. If you don't have that person or are not comfortable talking to anyone close, I think a therapist would be ideal (or even both!).
You will get back on your own path, your confidence in your perceptions and decisions will return, but it takes time and having someone to talk to right now is really reassuring.
This happened to me after a series of events and dating a narcissist. Oh I was wonderful BUT I wouldn't do what he wanted, so I was not wonderful! But I was wonderful and if I would just move in with him then I could continue to be wonderful blah blah quack quack nonsense.
Well, due to the series of events that proceeded this, and after breaking up with him, I was thinking like you are and always second guessing myself.
Oh that person seems - angry, are they? Was what I said ok? Wth!! So what I did was run it by a trusted person to get some perspective and that was really helpful. If you don't have that person or are not comfortable talking to anyone close, I think a therapist would be ideal (or even both!).
You will get back on your own path, your confidence in your perceptions and decisions will return, but it takes time and having someone to talk to right now is really reassuring.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
Oh boy we share a first name, almost a birth year and do I recognize what you are talking about.
I over-ruminated on a lot of things.
I think in retrospect for me it was a way to trying to control the outcome of things......like I had that much power. I also suspect for me there was some anxiety in the mix that contributed.
Big things were not as stressful for me. If I thought a problem could be fixed with my behavior though.....even someone's emotional state I spent a lot of time over-analysing it!
Al-anon and therapy helped me with this. I knew I was getting better one day when I realized that the thoughts were whirling like a hamster wheel and I had not experience that in a while.....I used to have that going 24/7.
I over-ruminated on a lot of things.
I think in retrospect for me it was a way to trying to control the outcome of things......like I had that much power. I also suspect for me there was some anxiety in the mix that contributed.
Big things were not as stressful for me. If I thought a problem could be fixed with my behavior though.....even someone's emotional state I spent a lot of time over-analysing it!
Al-anon and therapy helped me with this. I knew I was getting better one day when I realized that the thoughts were whirling like a hamster wheel and I had not experience that in a while.....I used to have that going 24/7.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I dealt with this after I initially kicked out my XAH and filed for divorce. Same thing, I did not question that, or the big things. More just small day to day things. I think my core had been shook so much that I was just not comfortable with daily living, if that makes sense?
I will say for myself, every step I moved forward made me gain self confidence. I could see that I was going to be able to make this life work, and it is. I am five years later. Eventually the questioning myself stopped and I just got on with life. It took a bit.
I can only say time heals a lot of things. Big hugs!
ps...I too am 44 years old!
I will say for myself, every step I moved forward made me gain self confidence. I could see that I was going to be able to make this life work, and it is. I am five years later. Eventually the questioning myself stopped and I just got on with life. It took a bit.
I can only say time heals a lot of things. Big hugs!
ps...I too am 44 years old!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 124
I am 33 and have been living by myself away from my parents for 10 years. I did ok for few years but somewhere because of my childhood trauma , I have always had this trust issue . It makes me question everything and be indecisive. I also grew up with an older sister who was very used to being dominant and making decisions for me and I let her so I never developed skills to make my own decisions.
When I divorced my AH , I was 30. Not having grown up in this country and not having parents around was tough because I was not familiar with a lot of stuff like car insurances , managing finances , in general just taking care of myself. There was a period of severe anxiety where I had to learn everything over a short period when I lost my job , got into a car accident , had to deal with lawyers and learn about finances during the divorce since my xah pretty much kept it all hidden and would never teach me anything even when I asked . I think my indecisiveness comes from lack of self trust which developed over time .. and got worse during my marriage . It all in turn causes more anxiety and it becomes a never ending circle.
Working with a therapist has helped some but realizing that my risk taking ability is low has also helped me see some areas where I can put in more work
When I divorced my AH , I was 30. Not having grown up in this country and not having parents around was tough because I was not familiar with a lot of stuff like car insurances , managing finances , in general just taking care of myself. There was a period of severe anxiety where I had to learn everything over a short period when I lost my job , got into a car accident , had to deal with lawyers and learn about finances during the divorce since my xah pretty much kept it all hidden and would never teach me anything even when I asked . I think my indecisiveness comes from lack of self trust which developed over time .. and got worse during my marriage . It all in turn causes more anxiety and it becomes a never ending circle.
Working with a therapist has helped some but realizing that my risk taking ability is low has also helped me see some areas where I can put in more work
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 500
Originally Posted by Raindrops 
I think my indecisiveness comes from lack of self trust which developed over time .. and got worse during my marriage . It all in turn causes more anxiety and it becomes a never ending circle.
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