HardLessons

I haven't posted an update in a while so here goes:

There came a point in time in the relationship with my addict, when I decided to buy a house for her & her daughter to live in. At the time she was living in a very bad place. It was run down, dingy & dirty, & not safe at all. Her daughter at the time was like 8. This was all prior to me knowing the reality of my addicts life.

The house was meant to be a new start & chance to live in a nice, safe, comfortable & worry free home. I paid cash for the house & she knew if she seized this opportunity my intent was to give her the house one day free & clear. It was to be her house.

Her & I went looking at real estate & selected a house. It was a magical time for both of us & her young daughter. After she moved in weird things started happening shortly thereafter.

Over the next several months she, on her own, told me about everything in her life. All the crazy details. The sort of details which finally made the light bulb in my head light up. So now I knew.

A lot of good things went on in that house. Kid sleepovers & lots of laughter, cooking dinners, & holiday celebrations. But at the same time a lot of very bad things went on. Bad to the point of where I cant even describe it all to you. The addict was doing her addict thing. She was not trying to take this chance in a lifetime opportunity to make a new life for her & her young daughter. Things went very wrong.

I had to get a real estate attorney involved & force her to move out. It was a very stressful time. We found a house for her to rent which was like two miles away. I paid to move her. I bought her whatever she needed to get this rented house set up & comfortable.

After she moved out & over the next couple months I repaired & fixed up the house I had bought. We were still seeing each other & she would stop by to see what work I was doing. She didn't like that I was doing it. Looking back, I guess I was erasing her existence from the property.

The house sat vacant for about 2 years. I would go and check on it once a week or once every two weeks. I detached myself from addict in June 2017 (literally crawled away). The house I bought remained as an in my face monument to this huge failure. I hated going there. Memories of her. Was also very nervous I would run in to her - she lived close by. It was horrible.

11 months ago, I got the strength to put the house up for sale. It sold yesterday at 4 pm.

Here is the ironic part:

The woman who bought my house is a single mom with a daughter - about same age as my addict. She is moving from the same neighborhood where my addict moved too. She is moving from the same street, just a few houses down, on the same side of the street where my addict moved too. I find that to be very ironic.

My monument house is now gone. Its a huge weight off me. I don't have to go there anymore. I don't have to see it anymore. I don't have to take care of it anymore. I don't have to think about it anymore.

Its been a bit over a year now since I last saw or spoke to my addict. Her daughter called me Christmas day 2018 to wish me merry Christmas. We spoke for a bit but she didn't mention her mother nor did I. Her call touched my heart deeply but it also broke my heart. I lost all contact with this wonderful now teen age girl.

I have no one to share this with so I thought I would post it here on SR

Thanks

AnvilheadII

quite the journey, my friend. i'm glad the monument house is off your hands now and moving to just part of the story. i know it's not as easy as that. but in time it will be.

D122y

There is only one judge and they are not reading sr looking for something.

Interesting life you are leading.

We here know the addict has to want to quit. Otherwise it will never happen.

Quitting hurts like nothing I can explain and staying quit is a lifetime practice.

Folks here have offered regrets after decades of non drinking.

Hopefully, you made some money after the resale and can do something nice for yourself and anyone else you choose.

You deserve it.

Thanks.

HardLessons

AnvilHead

When I first posted my story back in June 2017 you responded numerous times. Your most knowledgeable & candid advice.

I didn't like you much back then. You challenged me to the core & made me sweat. As did others here on SR. I dreaded reading your responses.

However, you helped me tremendously way more than you know. I still read your comments to others & they are always meaningful to me.

I cant thank you enough. You helped a complete stranger in a time of great need.

HardLessons

D122y

Just so you know it was never about money for me buying or eventually selling that house. Certainly it was a significant amount of money. But for me it honestly was not about money.

Bekindalways

Somehow this story breaks my heart. I know we all have a painful story but something in the simplicity of how you told it just makes me ache for you, for the daughter and of course for the addict as well.

May healing and peace be yours fine human.

tomsteve

good on ya,HL.
youve made lots of progress even if you dont see or feel it.

if i recall, ya mentioned some time ago about fishing was a hobby. have ya made any youtime to get back to that?

HardLessons

Bekindalways

Yes it is a heartbreaking story. My heart has been broken by this experience.

It isn't all her (my addict's) fault. She is what she is & has been that way for a long time. I was a willing participant. I did & went along with things against my normally much better judgement.

In the end all I did for her didn't help. I was not able to make her life better. I also totally lost myself in the process. I tried everything & nothing worked.

She didn't have a problem - I had the problem. She loves living her addict life. She could not break free of it even to give her daughter a much better & stable life. This daughter is a very special & gifted kid.

She is in gods hands now.

HardLessons

Hi TomSteve hope all is well in your life

Never made it to fishing but keeping very busy.

I know I have made huge progress. I don't really even know how I found the strength to detach from her. I don't know how I was able to do it. Certainly SR & caring people like yourself helped me crawl away & stay away from an incredibly destructive relationship.

Thanks for all your help along the way.

Troubledone

HardLessons

Thank you so much for your post. It is a sad story, yes - but a huge encouragement to me.

My addict recently got pregnant. I can relate to wanting to help them make a new life. It is a tremendously difficult temptation to resist when one has the means to do it.

I have been holding back, putting her on her own to navigate the social services system. I am grieved for the child yet to be born, not knowing what she will do. But I can see that she only steps up to responsibility when her back is against the wall. So your post is an encouragement to me to let go and let God.

I may never know her child, and I wish I could have that "Disneyland" kind of relationship with her and her child, but I can also see that it is more important for her (like your addict) to become responsible and to figure out how to be a parent, as best they can.

It seems to me that you did what you could to help and in the end you had the courage and strength to let go when it became obvious that you needed to.

Thanks for your story. It is a source of strength and inspiration to me.

Peace,

HardLessons

Hi Troubledone

Over the years, I have followed your story & your posts concerning your Niece. I know what you have been through.

I saw my own addict in your posts concerning your Niece. Mine doesn't want any help concerning her addictions. She does go daily to a methadone clinic. However She is in no way shape or form in recovery.

Years ago, she was forced into going to the clinic after getting out of jail & having lost custody of her then like 4 year old daughter. Daughter's father was also in jail at the time for heroin related crimes. On a daily basis she drinks heavily & does other drugs.

There was a time she tried hard to convince me that because she goes to the clinic daily for methadone maintenance she was truly in & committed to recovery. After educating myself concerning all of this I knew it was all a big load of BS.

I asked her once "why are you drinking every day? Isn't it against clinic recommendation & policy?" Her response was that the drinking is her only vice so leave me alone with it & besides I like the buzz I get from it. LOL

I am sorry for your situation with your Niece. You will have to wait & see what happens concerning her unborn child. Its a very difficult situation.

I have made so many mistakes with my addict. Its all a crazy jumbled up mess. It went on for a long period of time far too long.

I detached from her because I was going downhill fast. I was in deep trouble. At the time, it was either break away from her or die. I would have accepted death but I didn't want to die (if that makes any sense).

Complete detachment for me was something I had to do. As I have said before, I am not really sure how I was able to do it. Courage & strength you say? I think not. I wouldn't use those words to describe detaching from her.

Its comforting to me to think I left her in God's hands. I try hard not to think about if she's doing good or bad.

I also try very hard not to think about how it all impacts the teenage daughter. This year the daughter will turn the same age as when her mother at the age of 15 went off the rails & started using heroine.

I hope you find peace concerning your relationship with your Niece.

SmallButMighty

Thanks for the update HardLessons! I love reading these kinds of progression reports... even though in your case, your recovery and growth over the last year or two has been extremely apparent, it's still nice to get a few extra details.

I'm happy that you were able to relieve yourself of that property. One more burden set down and in the past now. Breathing easier and moving onwards.

I'm also glad you are still here hanging out with us Hardlessons, your recovery from codependence journey has been inspirational. I know it hasn't been easy or pain free, but I do thank you for sharing it with us. I smile when I see you offer words of that hard earned wisdom to the newcomers or lend your support to those of us that aren't so new. I know how far you've come and I love to see you in a place where you are able to help others. It's an amazing community we all share here isn't it?!

Again, thank you for sharing!

HardLessons

Hi SBM

Wow thanks you for your very kind words.

House - From the very start when her & I saw that house for the first time I loved it. For a lot of reasons It was perfect. Even though its now gone I still love it. The house became a huge burden for me but it was not due to financial reasons. When the major problems became apparent & after she moved out - I hated going there but I still loved the house. A huge amount of emotions went into that house.

I liked what it all stood for. I am very glad the burden of it has been lifted off of me. Its still sinking in. Its a major chapter in the book of my relationship with her that is now closed. The house which initially meant so much to her & all along meant so much to me is now gone from both of us.

I have never left SR because I cant leave. I went through an extremely intense & emotional relationship with my addict. Although there is no comparison with how I am doing today to how I was doing two years ago - its still difficult today. I was in a very bad place two years ago. It was all such a crazy mess. This will definitely take more time to heal. I am just letting it all run its course.

I still read here pretty much daily. I am very thankful to be able to read such insightful wisdom from participants like yourself. SR is an amazing community. Its been a life saving experience for me.

Thanks again for your very kind words.

trailmix

Ah Hardlessons, thanks for the update. What a long strange journey.

I hope you never have to go through anything like that again.

I know that as horrible as it all sounds, well not "sounds", was, it wasn't all horrible and she's not a demon. I know that deep down she probably has a very kind heart and that is what you found. Unfortunately - well you certainly know the rest.

I too am glad you have sold the monument and the coincidences between your ex and the person who bought it really are amazing, funny how things happen like that sometimes. Maybe it was showing you how you actually helped someone else. You took care of the repairs, made sure the house was maintained and when you were ready that woman and her Daughter were able to purchase the house you took care of (when they were ready). It seems fitting.

You know I wish you well. I'm glad you have stuck around SR, always find your posts insightful.

HardLessons

Hi Trailmix

All the big SR guns are visiting my thread LOL

Hopefully Trailmix I have learned enough that I wont put myself in another situation like I went through. I take full responsibility for allowing all of this to have happened.

She is not a demon. She just is what she is. I foolishly thought I could help her. Towards the end her & I were fighting often. I was aware at that point & could not accept the reality of what her life was.

She just wanted me to focus on her problems. Just like I had done for years in the past. I couldn't do that any longer because I knew these problems were only symptoms for the true deep rooted problems of addiction(s). She did not & would not address the true problem. I tried but that wasn't happening.

I could tell you so much about why I fell in love with her. So many details. Things like her eyes, her smile, her hands, & her voice. At times she was very innocent & child like. She has a good heart - it's there - I've seen it - many times. I still love her & always will.

And yes there is also a very scary dark side to her. Very much like a Terminator. Mindless dead eyes, uncaring, in your face F-you. Hard from many years of drug use, hard from years running the streets, & hard from being in prison.

The woman who bought my house wrote me a letter when she put in her offer. I didn't know her at all. My Real Estate Agent called to tell me about the offer & read me the letter. She said it was very unusual.

BTW the Real Estate Agent was the same as sold me the house back when. She knew me & my addict. We looked at the house several times before I bought it.

The buyer wanted me to know how much she loved the house, how perfect it would be for her & her daughter, how much she hoped we could work things out, & she hoped to make that house her happy home. I took her letter to heart in making the final deal. I never heard of a buyer writing a letter like that to the seller before. So just maybe in the end I did help a mother with a daughter find a good home. I made sure everything was perfect with the house by the day of closing. I never met the buyer in person. I think you are right Trailmix it all certainly does seem fitting..

Thanks for all your help.

AnvilheadII

that is an AMAZING way to look at the outcome!!!