O/T High hopes and trying to learn how to accept help
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
O/T High hopes and trying to learn how to accept help
Need to start this with a song,
https://www.google.com/search?client...+frank+sinatra
https://www.google.com/search?client...rics+move+that
After I left my ex on 12/21/2008, I told myself that I would never ask anyone for help. Yes, I had friends that gave me a place to stay and wouldn't take anything from me, and I can never repay that, but I tried.
They bought an older home that needed cosmetic work. They still weren't living in the home, so I painted every room, walls and ceilings, I then went to the basement, painted the floor and concrete walls, and also fixed and refinished a lot of the old furniture. With the help of one of the homeowners we also painted the exterior of the ranch home. I also made flower beds for them, I also took care of the homeowners elderly father till he passed away.
That was my strength. I developed this attitude about don't tell me I can't do that, because I can and I will.
When I was married I was told so many times that I was incompetent, and that I couldn't do anything without him, that I developed this thing, where don't tell me what I can't do, and that as long as I put my mind to something, I can do it.
Well, now I am older. I'm 63. I can't seem to let go of that attitude. To me it's OK to pay someone to do something for you, because no one really knows but you, but it feels like I am showing weakness when my own family wants to help me and I want to turn them down. It's like I am giving up my control over myself. It feels like I am becoming dependent again.
I moved into my new home last year. I mostly did everything by myself except for the moving company. I had to get some furniture delivered, some went to the wrong level of my house, but I moved it. I eventually did get that furniture up the steps and to where I wanted it. I also put many pieces of furniture together by myself.
So, why am I freaking out? My son wants to come over to help me this weekend.
I moved here last year to be closer to my son, so I can help out when my grandson was sick. I haven't seen my son that much since I moved here because his wife's dad was going through cancer and they spent every weekend visiting with him. He passed away recently, so I totally understand that. I guess I also don't want to feel that my son is not offering help out of guilt, something I would think is ridiculous. He was where he was needed to be.
IDK, it's like accepting help to me is feeling like I am not strong enough, I am not capable enough, I am not competent enough. It's something I vowed that I would never do after my divorce. It's only 2 light bulbs outside that need replacement. It's 4 fire alarms that need to be mounted, and one chair that I would prefer to be downstairs.
I did post that I fell down steps about 2 weeks ago, so I can't do this by myself now, but eventually I can.
So, to me it's like I fought so hard for strength, and now that I am getting older, I might lose that again.
It's like I lost my children for awhile and it was only because of my strength that I got them back and perhaps I am just associating physical strength to mental strength that I am getting things wrong in my head.
Anyway does anyone want to
and say it's OK to accept help.
((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))
amy
https://www.google.com/search?client...+frank+sinatra
https://www.google.com/search?client...rics+move+that
After I left my ex on 12/21/2008, I told myself that I would never ask anyone for help. Yes, I had friends that gave me a place to stay and wouldn't take anything from me, and I can never repay that, but I tried.
They bought an older home that needed cosmetic work. They still weren't living in the home, so I painted every room, walls and ceilings, I then went to the basement, painted the floor and concrete walls, and also fixed and refinished a lot of the old furniture. With the help of one of the homeowners we also painted the exterior of the ranch home. I also made flower beds for them, I also took care of the homeowners elderly father till he passed away.
That was my strength. I developed this attitude about don't tell me I can't do that, because I can and I will.
When I was married I was told so many times that I was incompetent, and that I couldn't do anything without him, that I developed this thing, where don't tell me what I can't do, and that as long as I put my mind to something, I can do it.
Well, now I am older. I'm 63. I can't seem to let go of that attitude. To me it's OK to pay someone to do something for you, because no one really knows but you, but it feels like I am showing weakness when my own family wants to help me and I want to turn them down. It's like I am giving up my control over myself. It feels like I am becoming dependent again.
I moved into my new home last year. I mostly did everything by myself except for the moving company. I had to get some furniture delivered, some went to the wrong level of my house, but I moved it. I eventually did get that furniture up the steps and to where I wanted it. I also put many pieces of furniture together by myself.
So, why am I freaking out? My son wants to come over to help me this weekend.
I moved here last year to be closer to my son, so I can help out when my grandson was sick. I haven't seen my son that much since I moved here because his wife's dad was going through cancer and they spent every weekend visiting with him. He passed away recently, so I totally understand that. I guess I also don't want to feel that my son is not offering help out of guilt, something I would think is ridiculous. He was where he was needed to be.
IDK, it's like accepting help to me is feeling like I am not strong enough, I am not capable enough, I am not competent enough. It's something I vowed that I would never do after my divorce. It's only 2 light bulbs outside that need replacement. It's 4 fire alarms that need to be mounted, and one chair that I would prefer to be downstairs.
I did post that I fell down steps about 2 weeks ago, so I can't do this by myself now, but eventually I can.
So, to me it's like I fought so hard for strength, and now that I am getting older, I might lose that again.
It's like I lost my children for awhile and it was only because of my strength that I got them back and perhaps I am just associating physical strength to mental strength that I am getting things wrong in my head.
Anyway does anyone want to
and say it's OK to accept help.((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))
amy
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
Thank you for this and the music! It's very on topic. 
I've heard this issue at Al-Anon and in abuse recovery. Somehow, as I experience allowing others helping me without any strings attached or me having to 'pay it back' in any way, I accept myself and others easier now.
As I step up and give to others, I find value that isn't tied to my self-worth.
It's a practice allowing a beautiful balance of doing things myself and seeing my skills grow, yet continuing to reach out and have a wider group of healthy support around me.
One day at a time.
I've heard this issue at Al-Anon and in abuse recovery. Somehow, as I experience allowing others helping me without any strings attached or me having to 'pay it back' in any way, I accept myself and others easier now.
As I step up and give to others, I find value that isn't tied to my self-worth.
It's a practice allowing a beautiful balance of doing things myself and seeing my skills grow, yet continuing to reach out and have a wider group of healthy support around me.
One day at a time.
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
By the way, the response I've learned to say when someone offers to help is "Thank you." 
Simple. The internal stuff took more time. New actions bring about new feelings.
It was new and unfamiliar for a while. It's been very good for me!
Simple. The internal stuff took more time. New actions bring about new feelings.
It was new and unfamiliar for a while. It's been very good for me!
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
I understand...it’s partly a thing we all get to deal with just aging. Until two years ago I was STRONG. I would lift/move/tackle just about anything. Then I got injured doing exactly that and couldn’t sit or lie down without severe pain for eighteen months.
Thing is, being STRONG and physically capable is part of how I defined myself. I could paint/build/tile/hang/saw just about anything. And now... I have to be smart. I have to be CAREFUL. I have to ask my husband for help lifting anything over ten pounds and I HATE THAT VERY MUCH.
For me, like you, sounds like, that change happened too quickly for me to get used to it. Your ribs will heal, thank goodness, but it’s a preview of coming attractions. It sucks.
I try to be gracious when my DH leaps to help me because I know how much he suffered watching me struggle. (I don’t always succeed, but I try!) Your son probably needs to feel like he’s helping you, especially since his attention was focused on his in-laws for so long and because it was a situation he couldn’t do anything to fix. He probably hated watching his wife suffer over something he couldn’t do anything about. Your lightbulbs he can fix.
I’ve said this before, but your autonomy came at such a high price that it’s no wonder you hang on to it the way you do.
So I think I get it. But sometimes letting them help us is also us helping them, so I guess we’re going to have to grind our teeth and say “thank you.”
Monster hug...
Thing is, being STRONG and physically capable is part of how I defined myself. I could paint/build/tile/hang/saw just about anything. And now... I have to be smart. I have to be CAREFUL. I have to ask my husband for help lifting anything over ten pounds and I HATE THAT VERY MUCH.
For me, like you, sounds like, that change happened too quickly for me to get used to it. Your ribs will heal, thank goodness, but it’s a preview of coming attractions. It sucks.
I try to be gracious when my DH leaps to help me because I know how much he suffered watching me struggle. (I don’t always succeed, but I try!) Your son probably needs to feel like he’s helping you, especially since his attention was focused on his in-laws for so long and because it was a situation he couldn’t do anything to fix. He probably hated watching his wife suffer over something he couldn’t do anything about. Your lightbulbs he can fix.
I’ve said this before, but your autonomy came at such a high price that it’s no wonder you hang on to it the way you do.
So I think I get it. But sometimes letting them help us is also us helping them, so I guess we’re going to have to grind our teeth and say “thank you.”
Monster hug...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
I am so stubborn. I am mule headed. I equate physical strength with mental strength. I didn't get my kids back with physical strength, I did it with mental strength. The physical things that I did was really just to get back my own self esteem, self confidence, after being told time and again that I couldn't do anything.
The mental strength was admitting to my own flaws, and talking to my kids about it when they were ready to hear it. The mental strength was being able to look at myself through a young child's eyes.
I have a perfectionist disorder. I got out of that for a short period of time. It was when my friends son who is autistic helped me with projects. He was also a perfectionist. I had to show him stupid little mistakes that I made and let him know that's OK.
I hurt my rib, I also hurt my hip, and I have not been vacuuming or washing my floors. I have 3 cats and 2 dogs. My house is usually immaculate, didn't I say I am a perfectionist.
I feel very weak in this condition, and I don't like it. I post here because I know you will tell me the right thing to do.
Son: Mom I want to come over and help you with a few things.
Me: I am the superwoman and I don't want or need help.
It's hard to give up some of some of the protective clothing. It's hard to let someone in. It's hard to let vulnerabilities show again. It's hard to be normal.
((((((((((hugs))))))))))))
amy
The mental strength was admitting to my own flaws, and talking to my kids about it when they were ready to hear it. The mental strength was being able to look at myself through a young child's eyes.
I have a perfectionist disorder. I got out of that for a short period of time. It was when my friends son who is autistic helped me with projects. He was also a perfectionist. I had to show him stupid little mistakes that I made and let him know that's OK.
I hurt my rib, I also hurt my hip, and I have not been vacuuming or washing my floors. I have 3 cats and 2 dogs. My house is usually immaculate, didn't I say I am a perfectionist.
I feel very weak in this condition, and I don't like it. I post here because I know you will tell me the right thing to do.
Son: Mom I want to come over and help you with a few things.
Me: I am the superwoman and I don't want or need help.
It's hard to give up some of some of the protective clothing. It's hard to let someone in. It's hard to let vulnerabilities show again. It's hard to be normal.
((((((((((hugs))))))))))))
amy
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
It's getting late now, almost 1am. I just needed to write down a few things for me to remember tomorrow. I don't need any responses to this. I was thinking of the person that I am now. I am a hard person. Sure I got back together with my kids who are now adults, they call me constantly. Thing is, this is what I wanted, I wanted to have my family back and I got that, but I built a wall. I was hurt so much that I wanted to keep everyone out, yet I wanted everyone in. I didn't want to be hurt anymore.
This is hard for me to write, and probably will be harder for me to read this tomorrow. Both my son and daughter at different times have said to me in different ways, that they want me in their life because they love me, not because I am their mom, but because I am a person that they love., and they want to share their life with me. (take that part out about not because I am their mom, because they didn't mean it like that). They were basically asking me why can't you believe that I love the person that you are.
Well, that's hard for me. I built that wall. It's hard taking that wall down. I don't want to be hurt anymore. I don't thinks my kids would have said that for no reason whatsoever if they weren't feeling a wall. I don't know how to take down that wall or that protective shield that I put over myself. I don't want to reveal vulnerabilities to anyone.
Sometimes, I think I make much ado about nothing. I think the reason I do that is because sometimes it's triggers to me, and I need to learn how to handle them.
This is a hard one for me, it's like I need to start taking down that brick wall and allowing someone to help me. I think after Sunday, I will feel good that things were done and that my son did it for me, and he will feel good knowing he helped me out. I'll also have my reclining chair in my TV room so that I can elevate my legs.
So, I'm going to start to dismantle the wall that I built around myself, I don't have to be a perfectionist anymore, I can retire that one, and I can start to trust again. (I'll start with my son first).
amy
This is hard for me to write, and probably will be harder for me to read this tomorrow. Both my son and daughter at different times have said to me in different ways, that they want me in their life because they love me, not because I am their mom, but because I am a person that they love., and they want to share their life with me. (take that part out about not because I am their mom, because they didn't mean it like that). They were basically asking me why can't you believe that I love the person that you are.
Well, that's hard for me. I built that wall. It's hard taking that wall down. I don't want to be hurt anymore. I don't thinks my kids would have said that for no reason whatsoever if they weren't feeling a wall. I don't know how to take down that wall or that protective shield that I put over myself. I don't want to reveal vulnerabilities to anyone.
Sometimes, I think I make much ado about nothing. I think the reason I do that is because sometimes it's triggers to me, and I need to learn how to handle them.
This is a hard one for me, it's like I need to start taking down that brick wall and allowing someone to help me. I think after Sunday, I will feel good that things were done and that my son did it for me, and he will feel good knowing he helped me out. I'll also have my reclining chair in my TV room so that I can elevate my legs.
So, I'm going to start to dismantle the wall that I built around myself, I don't have to be a perfectionist anymore, I can retire that one, and I can start to trust again. (I'll start with my son first).
amy
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