Dealing with Parents
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2019
Posts: 23
Dealing with Parents
Recently my boyfriend got sober. It’s been a long road to get him here, two detoxes multiple IOP, but this time he’s way more committed and responsive. And I can’t be more proud! My problem now is his parents.
His parents have always been 100% tough love. I mean tough. They would throw him out constantly, when he berated himself they agreed with him, and in his drunk arguments got right in his face.
Im not here to say tough love or being overly sensitive (like I know I am) is right or wrong. But his parents definitely have their opinion.
Before, I slept over there almost everyday and spent most of my time there. His parents loved it because for the most part he wasn’t as loud and obnoxious and at least concealed the drinking to not do it in front of me (that sadly changed the last two-three weeks before he got sober). But now that he’s sober they don’t want me around at all! They told him that I was enabling and was a distraction to his sobriety.
Looking back I know there were moments I enabled, but that I feel is the nature of the beast, no one is going to do it 100% right. But I feel like they are practically blaming me. Anyone else ever dealt with this?
His parents have always been 100% tough love. I mean tough. They would throw him out constantly, when he berated himself they agreed with him, and in his drunk arguments got right in his face.
Im not here to say tough love or being overly sensitive (like I know I am) is right or wrong. But his parents definitely have their opinion.
Before, I slept over there almost everyday and spent most of my time there. His parents loved it because for the most part he wasn’t as loud and obnoxious and at least concealed the drinking to not do it in front of me (that sadly changed the last two-three weeks before he got sober). But now that he’s sober they don’t want me around at all! They told him that I was enabling and was a distraction to his sobriety.
Looking back I know there were moments I enabled, but that I feel is the nature of the beast, no one is going to do it 100% right. But I feel like they are practically blaming me. Anyone else ever dealt with this?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2017
Location: Southern US
Posts: 510
My FIL said I was the reason my husband drank, but honestly my AH's been drinking for longer than I have been in the picture. I don't think FIL really believed what he was saying....he was just being an a-hole. (par for the course!) 
Does your BF live at home with his parents? If that is the case, you will have to respect their wishes, regardless if you think what they say is true. On the BF's parents' totem poll of their son's sobriety, you are not going to be anywhere near the top. It's all about him right now.
Your boyfriend has a voice. It might be somewhat muted, though, if he is living off of his parents.
Does your BF live at home with his parents? If that is the case, you will have to respect their wishes, regardless if you think what they say is true. On the BF's parents' totem poll of their son's sobriety, you are not going to be anywhere near the top. It's all about him right now.
Your boyfriend has a voice. It might be somewhat muted, though, if he is living off of his parents.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
some of it boils down to - Their House, Their Rules.
at this point their son is choosing to live WITH them and now attempting to get sober while living under their roof. if he was say in a Sober Living house, they too would also have rules. not to blame or project on anyone, but simply to help support and protect the resident's sobriety.
at this point their son is choosing to live WITH them and now attempting to get sober while living under their roof. if he was say in a Sober Living house, they too would also have rules. not to blame or project on anyone, but simply to help support and protect the resident's sobriety.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,423
Yes, other posters are right.
At this point, you need to perhaps step back and put the focus on yourself.
He needs time to focus on his recovery, and perhaps you need to work on recovery from dealing with addiction yourself.
I strongly suggest you don't put him in the middle of choosing between you and his parents this early in his sobriety. It's really hard, I know, but sometimes the strongest love expresses itself by allowing the beloved time and space to heal.
At this point, you need to perhaps step back and put the focus on yourself.
He needs time to focus on his recovery, and perhaps you need to work on recovery from dealing with addiction yourself.
I strongly suggest you don't put him in the middle of choosing between you and his parents this early in his sobriety. It's really hard, I know, but sometimes the strongest love expresses itself by allowing the beloved time and space to heal.
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
All of you have been through a lot. Now all of you are going through a lot more, in different ways.
Early recovery is a time period with tons of undercurrents going on that don't have a thing to do with the present moment. This also includes other phases of the recovery process, for anyone who's been affected by alcoholism, addiction or extremely dysfunctional families, as one goes into deeper layers of healing.
Have you been to Al-Anon or found another support system for yourself?
Early recovery is a time period with tons of undercurrents going on that don't have a thing to do with the present moment. This also includes other phases of the recovery process, for anyone who's been affected by alcoholism, addiction or extremely dysfunctional families, as one goes into deeper layers of healing.
Have you been to Al-Anon or found another support system for yourself?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,628
Lots of good advice already.
You can chalk this one up to a great life lesson.
When you see people act like this toward someone remember that you are next.
See someone yelling/in someone's face and/or berating/blaming their Sister, Father, Mom, coworker, the neighbours, the cat? You're next.
These people in that tired but oh so true expression have showed you very clearly who they are. It's just your turn. Whether for right or for wrong they are opinionated, controlling and "always right". Your BF is doing ok now so again, Your turn!
Head for the hills. This situation is a mess. I hope you will no longer stay there and you can find a place of your own if you don't already have one.
Never choose to be in a place where you are not wanted, it's a recipe for disaster. If someone asks you to leave or is less than hospitable - maintain your self-worth and run run run!
You can chalk this one up to a great life lesson.
When you see people act like this toward someone remember that you are next.
See someone yelling/in someone's face and/or berating/blaming their Sister, Father, Mom, coworker, the neighbours, the cat? You're next.
These people in that tired but oh so true expression have showed you very clearly who they are. It's just your turn. Whether for right or for wrong they are opinionated, controlling and "always right". Your BF is doing ok now so again, Your turn!
Head for the hills. This situation is a mess. I hope you will no longer stay there and you can find a place of your own if you don't already have one.
Never choose to be in a place where you are not wanted, it's a recipe for disaster. If someone asks you to leave or is less than hospitable - maintain your self-worth and run run run!
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