LiveLikeGold6

I don't know what my problem is but I call my mom everyday, hoping she will listen and say ANYTHING kind or nurturing. But it's the same story 9 times out of 10. She's drunk and mean or withdrawing and mean or wants something and then mean again.

I'm asking for swimming lessons from a person who is drowning (I heard this in a youtube share).

I have like 30 AA people in my phone. I text with them and sometimes call. But I get a headache from talking to people sometimes. Theres only a couple people I feel super comfortable with so far.

But I don't to go on like this. I'm a hurt little girl asking her mommy to love her everyday and whats more is I'm not helping her either. I react and I say rude things and its like why do we do this. It's not healthy.

All I need to do is not call her! Thanks for letting me vent.

FreshStartOk

Well what I gather from psychology is mothers and fathers, but especially mothers, are incredibly important to development. In humans it's also throughout life, but in monkeys lack of adequate care actually brings on illness.

I had a good mother, but I have a very not nice father. Personally I've had to not talk to him for years, hopefully not for ever. But I'll need the confidence to know he will never change his personality and I'll just have to adapt to get anything near a father son relationship.

Newbeginning421

I would recommend limiting contact to maybe once or twice a week. If you call her once or twice a week vs everyday I think you might have an easier time as talking so much you probably tend to get on each others nerves. I notice when I have not seen my mom for awhile we get a long much easier than we have seen each other every day. Just a thought.

tomsteve

the person that needs to be kind and nurting to you is youself.

have you worked the steps? seeing a therapist? the "little hurt girl" comment says not calling isnt going to be enough. you might have to accept youre not going to hear from your mother what you want to hear.

Nonsensical

What's you real question?

You can go to war with your past as often as you choose. You'll only lose 100% of the time.

Therapy seems like a good idea. Have you explored it?

boreas

LLG,
Unfortunately, I have a toxic relationship with both parents. I’ve had to accept that those relationships will never be what I would hope.

I suggest you read about “grey rock” and other ideas of how to engage with people you find difficult. The Friends and Family forum is also a great resource. I finally accepted that the only behavior I can control is my own. I’m careful during calls to not engage in the back and forth I know they both want, change the subject, or end the call when I run out of options. Calls are monthly...daily would be way more than I am capable of since I must consciously change my own behavior during them.

I seek my support regarding sobriety here. Sometimes you just have to take people as you find them and move on.

Congrats on your sobriety!
-bora

Misssy2

It will probably shock her if you don't call her daily and MAYBE she will call you and you will get some of what you need.

And maybe she won't....I also have a "toxic" relationship with my Mother it took many, many years for me to decide...no more...she is no longer in my life.

When my sister died she refused to go in the funeral home cause i was in there....because her and I were fighting at the time....That was the last time I talked to her...to me she died at the same time my sister did...last Sept.

thomas11

You'll drive yourself crazy trying to help her. I had to go minimal contact with my family. Very hard at first, but you'll find its necessary for you to heal and care after yourself.

biminiblue

Yeah, let's just say my mother and I had a very difficult relationship.

In my early thirties I had a sort of breakdown and in that period I cut contact even further than I already had. I already lived 3000 miles away from her. Saw her once per year for a few days. During my "growing up breakdown" I just stopped talking to her for a very long time. We both needed that, it's just I was going to drink myself to death if I didn't do something.

I read every self-help book I could get my hands on. Today there are websites so that may be an option for you but I enjoyed the books and I healed myself through them and a little lay counseling with a lady from a Christian counseling service.

No contact for a while until you figure it out may be a good tactic.

My mother died years ago. I never got what I thought I needed from her, so I gave it to myself.

Kaily

Isn't it heartbreaking when you just want a kind word, a little reassurance or anything from someone to show they care. It never comes but each time we hope 'this time will be different'. Never is.
For me not my Mum but my Dad, as she died when I was just 5 years old.

I don't have any words of wisdom. I am just empathising to let you know your not alone.

SparkleKitty

I had to learn to stop going to the hardware store for bread. There are plenty of lovely bakeries all around me, I just had to pull myself away long enough to see them.

Eventually I learned to bake my own bread, which was even better.

entropy1964

Yeah. I understand.

My Mom was never available. Ever. And she never will be. And now she has severe dementia. And its odd. I get more emotional connection from her now than I ever did over the last 53 years. Figure that one out. She has very limited ability to communicate now. Just a few mantras. But she loves me so much, almost desperately. She just couldn't show it until she was so desperate for connection herself. Sad. But in a way I'm grateful. And I can show her the nurturing she never showed me.

I had a counselor ask me years ago 'did you feel loved as a child?'. My answer was 'of course, I know my parents loved me'. She said, 'that wasn't the question. Did you feel loved AS a child?'. And I was kind of surprised. No I didn't. At all. Well, so that's the problem. And frankly, I don't know that that is all my Mom's fault. I mean, I know its not. But she has taken the blame. Because she's Mom. And to grow, I had to learn that I own a lot of my reactions.

So there's this angry, hurt, lonely, neglected little 8 year old in me. And she's always there. I suspect she always will be. I realized that the only person that can nurture that child is me. And that kinda sucks, to be honest. There are definitely times when I'd really like my mommy. A mommy. But that will never happen. And oddly, I don't allow people to nurture me. Makes me incredibly uncomfortable. Go figure.

When that angry 8 year old is trying to take over, I remind her that I am here. That it is ok. That she is safe and loved and she can take a back seat and chill out. She has nothing to prove. No one to hurt as a way of showing how much she hurts.

Write a letter to your mom. Write it as the adult you are, representing your angry little self. Speak for her. Defend her. Tell her truth in an adult way. I'm not saying to send it. But write it. See what happens. See if you find some forgiveness. For her and for yourself.

mariposa

LiveLikeGold6

These responses gave me heart eyes, seriously. Im a heart eye emoji right now lol. I took notes on the different bits of advice. I didn’t call her today and yall were right. She called me. I kept it short, ending the call when i ran out of iotions. I will continue to practice not calling. Its hard but im forcing myself to teach out to more aa ppl or just sit with my emotions. I am also looking into a therapy group that focuses on family or origin issues. Im proud of what this hirt little girl can accomplish sometimes. Thank you all for your kind words and empathy, it really turned me around today <3

SoberCAH

My mother was a drunken, narcissistic beast (as well as the other B-word, for that matter).

She was a pathetic parent.

We got no relief from her anti-social behavior whatsoever until, shortly after my father died, she got bad enough for us to deposit in a dementia unit.

No one cried at her funeral.

I gave no eulogy.

I certainly don't miss her.

I'm very sorry that you are experiencing a similar family dynamic.

I've never been to an Al-Anon meeting, but I tried my best to detach with love, with a heavy focus on the detachment part.

I wish you the best with your situation.

Please keep us posted.

boreas

Wow. I had to sit with entropy’s super-excellent-very-good-post for a day before I could bring myself to respond. Here goes...

I’ve wondered about this over time. My mother had a very contentious relationship with her mother, and at the end, after g-ma’s last stroke, mom described spending the last night pouring out all her grievances, disappointments, and affection. I was surprised since that kind of emotional purging is contrary to what I know of her. But it is telling that it could only happen once her mother was in no position to respond. Perhaps as death (or the oblivion of dementia) gets closer it enables us to move past all those feelings of resentment and the problems within our parent/child relationship and just relate as human beings.

This is an amazingly important distinction, and I never thought about it this way. I need an appointment with this lady.

Wow. Just wow. I’m a big fan of imagery, and this really spoke to me. I’ve often envisioned myself giving myself a pat on the head, and an “It’s gonna be ok”. You turned that idea into a fleshed-out concept.

It really does suck, and can be very tiring. I have to check my resentment when I’m interacting with those who have incredibly supportive families. Even at 46, I don’t think the longing for that will ever go away. But it is easier to accept the truth of it than to constantly throw myself against the same wall over and over trying to make that relationship what I would like.

I’ve long suspected this was at the core of my drinking. I tried to inflict that hurt upon myself, as if my self-inflicted pain and abuse would somehow mitigate the other hurt.

Great advice. I find the most peace with all of this when I try to see it from my parent’s perspective. Truth is, they are doing their best with what they have. I'm lucky that I can see a little clearer and try to do better.

-bora

Jim1958

Perhaps you are attempting to correct the past. A troubled childhood can lead to this. It can also be a source of a drinking problem. Best wishes to you in your recovery.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Repetition_compulsion

LiveLikeGold6

Thanks again everyone. I haven't called her save for one time I believe since this post. I saw her on the weekend and all she could do is mention her disdain for my weight. The my sister whom i an even worse relationship with says a comment to my 7 year old about his weight. Got out of there before i reacted too strongly. Got 60 days today and enrolled myself in an intensive group therapy treatment for healing the inner child. I’m so happy that this posts responses really gave me the strength to stop calling that woman. Day by day.

Dropsie

LLG,

I just wanted to say thank you for starting this excellent thread and for all the contrbutors, great stuff here.

In addition to a lot of other great insights, I thought this was very helpful:

And oddly, I don't allow people to nurture me. Makes me incredibly uncomfortable. Go figure.

If you have not read the materials on Adult Chidren of Alcoholics, you should. And its not just for the children of alcoholics, the same principles apply to all children who did not get the love they needed as children. And the inabilty to be vulnerable and to accept love is a classic symptom. Weird right?

I think the inner child work will be very helpful.

Thanks again.

Daisybelle

You're doing well LLG and can I just say that beauty comes from within regardless of what size you are. There is nothing that compares to a genuine smile. xx