Pressmetilihurt

Every time I go to AA I fail. Surrender, they say. Then I'm scared and dependent.. I gotta go tho. I can't live in rage.
Today:
Hot day - trigger

AtomicBlue

Going to AA, recognizing your irritability, posting here. Doesn’t sound like failure to me.

sobriiestote

MantaLady

I have learned that for me personally triggers don’t exist but what does exist are emotions that I don’t want to feel or deal with. It’s those feelings that I want to medicate and numb against rather than the event that I believed caused me to feel that way. I couldn’t identify how I actually felt about anything and my only accessible emotion was anger. I had to use a feelings wheel at rehab which felt really stupid at first but I had to start to learn what it was I was really feeling to have any chance of dealing with it. I found over the 2 months I was there that this daily, hourly all consuming anger was the only reaction and emotion I knew how to express. I was angry because I couldn’t express myself, that was a revelation to me!

I used anger as a mask so I didn’t have to deal with the real problem. I didn’t realise it at the time and when it was pointed out to angry me I went ballistic and got more angry! Surrender for me was about accepting this to give me a fighting chance of changing it.

One day at a time xx

Verdantia

Hey, Press--it is good that you recognize these feelings, know that they are destructive to your sobriety, and are going to go to AA for help. I do not currently use AA in my sober plan, but it was a great help in my early sobriety to be face to face with people who understood and wanted to help. I wish you peace.

Dee74

What scares you so much Press?

the commitment? the change required? fear of further failure?

D

LiveLikeGold6

Speaking to my experience only, I did the AA thing for 9 months 10 years ago and I got too dependent on my sponsor, didn't work a FULL program, and imploded. I spent 10 years angry thinking AA is not for me etc. Well I got desperate enough to try again and BOY AM I GLAD I did. This time around I'm very careful to spread it around so to speak, going to many different meetings and introducing myself to folk (those first 30 days are a great excuse to say hi I'm a newcomer and I don't know what I'm doing, how did you do it!?).

Take what you like from meetings and leave the rest. They are all sick people just like you and I, and humans suck sometimes. For me, I know when people tell me to do things (like leave my drug addict ex, go to rehab) I'm immediately defensive. But later on when I'm alone I can safely think about what they say, still, sometimes I agree and sometimes I don't.

All in all, I get the anger. I'm also hearing a cry for help. Give yourself permission to just go to as many different meetings as you can and after a little while you'll know more clearly how you feel about it.

aasharon90

Taking breaks for oneself to regroup. To collect
some serenity and peace within oneself before,
during and after each one of those triggers.

There's got to be acceptance in there too. We
cant control the weather or how folks act or behave.
We may not like everything that is swirling around
us, so in order to work with all that, we have to
have serenity within our hearts, minds and soul
to carry on each day we remain sober.

I went to a heck of a many a meetings thru
out my sobriety to help me, guide me, calm
me, teach me how to deal with life on lifes
terms.

I sat amongst many and listened and held
on to dear life as I absorbed the lessons
I needed to learn in order to achieve peace
and serenity to carry on thru out the day.

To drink would only make life situation and
trigger 10 times or more worse. Never better.
I would remain on that roller coaster or merry
go round of insanity forever. Never solving
anything.

There is a solution to each one of those triggers
and you dont have to face them by urself. Ask for
help and take time to strengthen your recovery
program and self worth to carry on each day sober.

You dont have to carry this heavy burden on
your shoulders by yourself. Continue to learn
and build a strong foundation in life and recovery
to enjoy and live upon for yrs to come.

SR has become a great lifeline to hold onto
each day asking for help, support with a network
of understanding and care guiding you along
each day.

Livingonwishes

You say when you go to AA you fail but in my experience the fact you keep going back and have that desire to stop drinking then you aren't failing. In fact one thing it took me time to realise about AA is that there is no "Fail" as long as you keep coming back and have that desire.

AA members reserve the right to make mistakes and no person is perfect, we all have our own fears and resentments that when we come together and share (or just talk when there is a break) bring us together as a group and lessen as time goes on.

I suspect, from what you said, that you aren't failing but have a fear of failing rather than a fear of AA.

I went to a meeting last night that was a 2 hour drive away, no one knew me, my story or what was in my head but I heard facets of myself being reflected back to me in the shares I heard. In fact I received a kind of awakening with regards to an issue I am struggling with from one of the members shares and today I am in a far better place and have an idea of how to deal with it.

So You can't fail at AA, everyone is to some extent a reflection of yourself and as long as you keep going and keep listening and share what is in your head when you feel you can then that is progress and although it may be slow you will come to realise that you are moving forwards and your ability to cope with your triggers will increase and those triggers will diminish.

I hope that makes sense (It did in my head, lol) and well done for being sober, staying sober and still going to meetings despite your fear of failure.

tomsteve

from a former rageaholic:
going to meetings and not drinking does NOT treat alcoholism.
go to 4 meetings a day,press. youll still be a dry drunk until you work the steps and put the principles of the program into action.
i havent seen rage in many,many years.

want to know if what i say is true? start doing it then see what the results are in 3,6,9,12 months. then see what the results are in 3,6,9,12 years.

Nonsensical

It's a long hard swim to the other side of the river. The cemeteries are filled with people who turned back.

Best of Luck on Your Journey.

Misssy2

Love your post...and you know that everything is going to be a trigger right now because although drinking alcohol is numbing and takes away all these angry, mad, sad feelings.....it also takes away your health, happiness and sanity.

Just go to AA...they say "Fake it till you MAKE IT".

August252015

Ok so I hate that Fake It Til You Make it thing because it's a childhood reflex to my mom using it when she was a dry drunk... that's a me thing for sure

To Press- I echo what llg and tomsteve said. I was angry and sooo much else when I finally went to and surrendered to AA and working a program. Time takes time is also annoying but so true IME - I couldn't possibly have seen all the benefits and growth and change early on.

And your desire to stop drinking which I certainly hear - reason plenty to keep going to meetings. And of course, share with us.

Callas

I just go with whatever feelings I have at any time knowing that it has nothing to do with drinking. Feelings or no feelings only I can decide whether I will drink or not. And I decide not to. Angry or calm, happy or sad, excited or bored, it does not matter. I am not going to drink. The feelings and emotions change anyway.

dpac414

We talked about this last night in my meeting. The phrase "meeting makers make it." They tell you to just show up. But you have to show up for yourself, too. Meetings won't help if you don't actively participate (and this can just be active listening and consideration - you don't have to share). I think that extends outside of AA as well.

People may disagree, but I also don't think that you need to necessarily work the specific AA steps to recover from alcoholism. It is a very useful tool and I go to meetings, read the BB and everything, but there are many other things I do outside of it to continue on in my recovery. I use AA, SR, CBT, medication, and other stuff as my program of recovery.

There is a lot of stuff to work on outside of simply not drinking that creates successful recovery. And recovery is not the only part of my own personal growth. It is at the forefront, sure, but it is a piece of the puzzle for me to have a successful life. Therapy has been instrumental to me, and AA and sponsors are not substitutes for that. Perhaps you should look into seeing someone to help you deal with the emotions you're having?

Regardless, it's good that you are able to acknowledge your feelings. I think that AA is definitely a good place to go, even if it's just to be around other alcoholics who get it. Keep trying, no matter what. Shop around with meetings, see where you vibe, if you click with anyone specific. Try reading the big book, if only just to see what it says. It is scary. I agree. But you have to open yourself up if you want to succeed. Shame, regret, fear - they all thrive in isolation. Alcoholism thrives in isolation. Go to meetings if only to let that light in.

I'm really not knockin AA. I love it and I am considering the steps and sponsorship, but it's not for everyone. It has helped me tremendously and is a key player to my success so far.

ImNotThatGuy

I've never understood the concept of "triggers," never having needed an excuse or a reason to drink. Happy? Drink! Sad? Drink! Angry? Drink! Worried? Drink! That was me.

Everyone experiences those emotions and situations. It's not unique to alcoholics. It's called life.

If you think AA will help you not drink, go and work the steps. There's nothing to be scared of, but it's not going to make the circumstances of your life any better than they are as a "dry drunk." Maybe some counseling is in order?

Hawkeye13

I think engaging your emotions may be what scares you really press.

If my other suggestions are not to your taste, (which is fine--I just shared what helped me and some others, but not everything resonates for everyone), what about trying a short course of cognitive therapy with someone skilled in addiction to try and dig into some of your underlying issues with support and guidance?

Over the time I've read your posts since you first joined, I've always gotten a sense that you are extremely uncomfortable dealing with your feelings--especially the hard ones. I also think you are worried that if you ever let that bottled-up anger come out it might destroy everything in its path. The layers of fear, pain, hurt and your go-to boredom can't bury it deep enough, so you've got to drown it in booze to get some peace. I have felt this way too so I get it. For me, drinking was a way to bypass and numb, to contain what I could not look at.

I wanted to stay externally focused, even in recovery.

That doesn't work to correct the underlying emotions that make the cravings happen in the first place. I could see how AA could be scary in that so many people do let go and dig into their emotions in their efforts to heal their addiction. That kind of emotional honesty makes me squirm in my chair--It's like trying to look a lover square in the eyes--breathtaking and terrifying all at once.

Surrender isn't a word I even allowed into my vocabulary until recently. Surrender is a huge act of courage for anyone, let alone us cowardly addicts who dilute and dissolve our Selves in alcohol.

But control--willpower--whiteknuckling addiction is like trying to empty out the East Bay with a teaspoon. Ain't gonna work.

Sometimes there is no way out but through.

LiveLikeGold6

I was very moved by this. How you doin press?

August252015

I don't believe in triggers either, for the record.

Also - while I think it was crucial at the beginning to buy into "meeting makers make it" - for me and those who "had what I want," what really got me into recovery (not just sober, two diff things) was working the program. If I'd just sat in a room for an hour at a time and not begun to learn a new way of life, that would have made me .... whatever less than I'm on the path of being would be called.

I'm listening to a podcast right now, Recovery Happy Hour episode 55. The host Tricia calls herself an alcoholic; the premise of her show is what we do after we stop drinking, in a nutshell. Her shows include all variety of people who get sober, and for lots of reasons. This particular episode is her path in AA, using other tools, not going to AA meetings currently tho still engaging with a sponsor as needed (ie recently she had reasons to do a short 4 and 5 again), and so on. I really jibe w her philosophy- AA is not therapy or professional help, for example, so this alcoholic needs her psych! And so on.

If there is an interest in AA and a willingness to understand at least what the steps are about - I think it's worth anyone's time. My husband and I joke that if everyone knew the 12 steps- or at least such basics as don't be a jerk and apologize promptly when you are, or be less selfish and help others, for example- the world would be a better place

AnvilheadII

the alcoholic ego HATES the word Surrender.

actually in terms of "war" one side does not surrender because they are weak or inept or incapable - they surrender to STOP THE FIGHTING. their resources are depleted, they have no more ammunition, much less enough food or finances the keep the army fed and equipped. in order to SAVE as many remaining lives as possible, they put down the arms and cease to FIGHT.

to know when you are beat takes wisdom and courage and humility.
to know when the LIFE saved is more important than whatever the war was about is compassionate and sane.

by giving up one thing, we gain everything.