What If................
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Sydney NSW
Posts: 29
What If................
I do not have a support system here at all
I have only been here a few days and already I am very relieved and feel
some kind of support. You see I have been drinking for a long time I am an ex model married with two children and live in a lovely house in Sydney........What more could a person ask for???? How about some sanity, or acceptance or control over their own existence!
I was married very young and brought up to believe that the mans word was etched in stone!
Silly me! I have been controlled ALL my life firstly by my father and then (and now) by my husband. And I hate myself for allowing it to happen. Maybe thats why I started abusing alcohol.
I HATE MY HUSBAND controlling everything that I do ......................
SOrry folks had to get that of my chest.
SOme help would be nice
I have only been here a few days and already I am very relieved and feel
some kind of support. You see I have been drinking for a long time I am an ex model married with two children and live in a lovely house in Sydney........What more could a person ask for???? How about some sanity, or acceptance or control over their own existence!
I was married very young and brought up to believe that the mans word was etched in stone!
Silly me! I have been controlled ALL my life firstly by my father and then (and now) by my husband. And I hate myself for allowing it to happen. Maybe thats why I started abusing alcohol.
I HATE MY HUSBAND controlling everything that I do ......................
SOrry folks had to get that of my chest.
SOme help would be nice
Not the center of the Universe
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Orchard Lake, Michigan
Posts: 974
Basi,
What we ask for and how we see ourselves is key. I had all the trappings of a successful life but I had no sanity or serenity or happiness. I looked outside for things to take the place of what I didn't have and I filled in the cracks and the holes with alcohol and told myself it was ok and that it was working and if I just got more stuff or drank more alcohol.... Years and years went by (25 of them to put a number on it) and things never got better and still I told myself that it was ok and continued to define myself by the material things I had and the material things that other people had, things I thought were supposed to make me happy, things I thought were supposed to all add up to a happy life. And because things were not ok and I wasn't happy, I continued to use alcohol until that was all there left in my life that I cared about.
Then I met a whole bunch of people who had something I didn't have, something I had been looking for since I was 15, and they said to me "You want what we have? Here's how we got it." Getting sober changed my life in so many ways, ways that I never dreamed of, ways that frankly I never would have thought I wanted. Today my life really is all good (except when it's not and even then it's 100% better than it was.) The difference is the measuring stick I use and the willingness I have to work for the things that cannot be bought for any price.
I wish you all the best as you start down the path. It only gets better but it doesn't happen over night. You can do this thing but you have got to want it with all your heart.
One Love, One Heart, Jah Bless
Originally Posted by Basi
I am an ex model married with two children and live in a lovely house in Sydney........What more could a person ask for???? How about some sanity, or acceptance or control over their own existence!
Then I met a whole bunch of people who had something I didn't have, something I had been looking for since I was 15, and they said to me "You want what we have? Here's how we got it." Getting sober changed my life in so many ways, ways that I never dreamed of, ways that frankly I never would have thought I wanted. Today my life really is all good (except when it's not and even then it's 100% better than it was.) The difference is the measuring stick I use and the willingness I have to work for the things that cannot be bought for any price.
I wish you all the best as you start down the path. It only gets better but it doesn't happen over night. You can do this thing but you have got to want it with all your heart.
One Love, One Heart, Jah Bless
spirit
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: perth,western australia
Posts: 1,460
hi basi, welcome, i am kath aka spirit and in perth. everything you say is legitimate.
you will find lots of support here. keep reading, keep posting, keep telling us your story hon.
even us west aussies have half a brain to respond haha
often i post on the "dont quit" thread or "my own little peace of recovery".
welcome again and so glad you have joined us. good to see another aussie on board
actually i flying through sydney tomorrow, on my way to a one day conference in canberra, so when i land in sydney about 5pm your time, i shall wave to you haha. then i have to catch the 'prop' plane to canberra, i shall have to peddle fast i think haha
where in sydney are you, have been there a couple of times, it makes me dizzy, no straight roads haha ( the overseas people will have no idea what we are talking about)
and did you watch idol, so glad casey won
hugs to you my other aussie mate
kath
(ps email [email protected]) if you want to yak
you will find lots of support here. keep reading, keep posting, keep telling us your story hon.
even us west aussies have half a brain to respond haha
often i post on the "dont quit" thread or "my own little peace of recovery".
welcome again and so glad you have joined us. good to see another aussie on board
actually i flying through sydney tomorrow, on my way to a one day conference in canberra, so when i land in sydney about 5pm your time, i shall wave to you haha. then i have to catch the 'prop' plane to canberra, i shall have to peddle fast i think haha
where in sydney are you, have been there a couple of times, it makes me dizzy, no straight roads haha ( the overseas people will have no idea what we are talking about)
and did you watch idol, so glad casey won
hugs to you my other aussie mate
kath
(ps email [email protected]) if you want to yak
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,476
Hi Basi,
I think addiction causes us to examine a lot of issues in our lives. My desire to please people allowed me to be controlled by my family and friends for most of my adult life. It was really hard to look back and see what I had let happen to me. But, the good news is, that you can change. If you think your husband is controlling you, take steps to remove yourself from his grasp. Even small steps will give you some feeling of confidence and control.
Anna
I think addiction causes us to examine a lot of issues in our lives. My desire to please people allowed me to be controlled by my family and friends for most of my adult life. It was really hard to look back and see what I had let happen to me. But, the good news is, that you can change. If you think your husband is controlling you, take steps to remove yourself from his grasp. Even small steps will give you some feeling of confidence and control.
Anna
My Boss is a Jewish Carpenter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Western Canada
Posts: 338
Hi Basi,
I want to recommend a book that changed my life. It was what I needed at the time. You might be in the same need.
"Boundaries" by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend, published by Zondervan Publishing House, Grand Rapids, Michigan, USA.
Subtitle: When to say Yes, When to say No, To Take Control of Your Life.
You seem to feel you have no right or need to be yourself. You are who others say you are. You will bend any way you need to and twist yourself into a pretzel so that others will like you.
Stop it!
I wrote a quote from page 273 on the inside front cover: "A wholehearted, unconflicted, gratitude-driven yes."
Maybe it was important because I thought I'd never given one. Maybe you haven't either.
I read it in 1998 on the advice of a counselor. Since then, my life just keeps on getting better. I still say yes often, but some times I say no.
I'm a truck driver. I have no professional training, just life experience. Feel free to say no to me.
Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together.
I want to recommend a book that changed my life. It was what I needed at the time. You might be in the same need.
"Boundaries" by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend, published by Zondervan Publishing House, Grand Rapids, Michigan, USA.
Subtitle: When to say Yes, When to say No, To Take Control of Your Life.
You seem to feel you have no right or need to be yourself. You are who others say you are. You will bend any way you need to and twist yourself into a pretzel so that others will like you.
Stop it!
I wrote a quote from page 273 on the inside front cover: "A wholehearted, unconflicted, gratitude-driven yes."
Maybe it was important because I thought I'd never given one. Maybe you haven't either.
I read it in 1998 on the advice of a counselor. Since then, my life just keeps on getting better. I still say yes often, but some times I say no.
I'm a truck driver. I have no professional training, just life experience. Feel free to say no to me.
Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: The Mohave Desert
Posts: 2,306
Hi Basi
Welcome, glad you found this site.
What are you doing for you and to get sober?
We are here for you, all you have to do is reach out....
Check out these links, you may be interested in what Ms.Kasl has to share with women....
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...light=16-steps
Welcome, glad you found this site.
What are you doing for you and to get sober?
We are here for you, all you have to do is reach out....
Check out these links, you may be interested in what Ms.Kasl has to share with women....
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...light=16-steps
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Sydney NSW
Posts: 29
Yes..................
My Dear Dear people,
And I have been feeling soooo alone ..........you see, I lost my mother 2 years ago and I must tell you guys it devastated me to the most amazing degree..........I have never ever felt such loss and so helpless to the point that I totally shut down to every one and everything around me......and not three months later my father died.........all I can say is thank God for my beautiful 2 children....... I also have 5 brothers and one sister but I just shut down to everyone.
I remember one particular day I thought I would just lie down and die I felt so devastated....so I reached out to my husband.......who told me "why are you taking your mother and fathers dying so hard they weren't any good anyway"..............do you see my predicament with him..........he even tries to control my grief............do you know that I havent cried for my parents yet.....I cant, especially in front of my husband....weird HUH?
LIsten you guys I really really mean this This Site is my lifeline at the moment
And I have been feeling soooo alone ..........you see, I lost my mother 2 years ago and I must tell you guys it devastated me to the most amazing degree..........I have never ever felt such loss and so helpless to the point that I totally shut down to every one and everything around me......and not three months later my father died.........all I can say is thank God for my beautiful 2 children....... I also have 5 brothers and one sister but I just shut down to everyone.
I remember one particular day I thought I would just lie down and die I felt so devastated....so I reached out to my husband.......who told me "why are you taking your mother and fathers dying so hard they weren't any good anyway"..............do you see my predicament with him..........he even tries to control my grief............do you know that I havent cried for my parents yet.....I cant, especially in front of my husband....weird HUH?
LIsten you guys I really really mean this This Site is my lifeline at the moment
Not the center of the Universe
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Orchard Lake, Michigan
Posts: 974
Basi,
I went through a similar experience when my mother died. I was still using back then and I used alcohol to take away all the pain and so never went through the grief properly. What I did instead was try to express what I thought other people would expect me to feel instead of what I really felt and that period is still haunting me. I look back and wonder how in the hell I could have faked my way through my own mother's death?
One of the things that I have learned in recovery is that my feelings are just that, my feelings. I don't need the validation of others to make my feelings ok. I gotta say that your husband does sound like quite the insensitive idiot though. But just because he tries to control your every thought and emotion doesn't mean that you have to let him succeed. This is your life you are living and, regardless of whether or not you believe that there is something waiting at the end of it, you should really make the most of the time you have on this planet. If getting started down this path takes a support group or private therapy or whatever, then that is what it takes. I am going to guess that your husband may disapprove of you getting any outside help at all but at the end of the day, you don't need his approval to be happy.
One Love, One Heart, Jah Bless
I went through a similar experience when my mother died. I was still using back then and I used alcohol to take away all the pain and so never went through the grief properly. What I did instead was try to express what I thought other people would expect me to feel instead of what I really felt and that period is still haunting me. I look back and wonder how in the hell I could have faked my way through my own mother's death?
One of the things that I have learned in recovery is that my feelings are just that, my feelings. I don't need the validation of others to make my feelings ok. I gotta say that your husband does sound like quite the insensitive idiot though. But just because he tries to control your every thought and emotion doesn't mean that you have to let him succeed. This is your life you are living and, regardless of whether or not you believe that there is something waiting at the end of it, you should really make the most of the time you have on this planet. If getting started down this path takes a support group or private therapy or whatever, then that is what it takes. I am going to guess that your husband may disapprove of you getting any outside help at all but at the end of the day, you don't need his approval to be happy.
One Love, One Heart, Jah Bless
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Sydney NSW
Posts: 29
findingout, sorry hope i'm calling you by your right name!
My husband can be a very insensitive idiot.........but he actually encouraged me to find outside help..........anything, he said so I was able to stop drinking,
which inspite of him, no drinking will help us all in the long run.
I gave up smoking because he did and he would not LET ME smoke which again does help me in the long run as well...........
The more I think about my life and the control I give him the more I RESENT having to stop anything for HIM..............he really pisses me off.............sorry about the vulgarity but..........you know the more I write the angrier I become.
I with monotonous regularity feel extremely TRAPPED !!!
My husband can be a very insensitive idiot.........but he actually encouraged me to find outside help..........anything, he said so I was able to stop drinking,
which inspite of him, no drinking will help us all in the long run.
I gave up smoking because he did and he would not LET ME smoke which again does help me in the long run as well...........
The more I think about my life and the control I give him the more I RESENT having to stop anything for HIM..............he really pisses me off.............sorry about the vulgarity but..........you know the more I write the angrier I become.
I with monotonous regularity feel extremely TRAPPED !!!
Senior Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: N.Y. N.Y
Posts: 101
Hi Basi,
Sorry about your losses of your Mother and Father. I can identify with the not dealing with those losses right away. It wasn't uintil I got sober this time around that I started to deal with all of my losses.
I'm not sure exactly what the situation is with you and your husband, but, he can't control your life if you don't let him.
In order to get control of your own life you have to come to a point where you absolutely want to stay sober.
We can't control our drinking, but, we can regain control of our lives with the support of AA and the 12 steps.
The only way I was able to regain control of my own life was to quit drinking and to find support of people that were pulling in a positive direction along with myself.
I understand your situation and know its not easy living with a person that is trying to run your life. The best advice I could give you is to take the first step by not drinking and seek as much support as you can, which you are already doing here on this board.
Good luck!
Sorry about your losses of your Mother and Father. I can identify with the not dealing with those losses right away. It wasn't uintil I got sober this time around that I started to deal with all of my losses.
I'm not sure exactly what the situation is with you and your husband, but, he can't control your life if you don't let him.
In order to get control of your own life you have to come to a point where you absolutely want to stay sober.
We can't control our drinking, but, we can regain control of our lives with the support of AA and the 12 steps.
The only way I was able to regain control of my own life was to quit drinking and to find support of people that were pulling in a positive direction along with myself.
I understand your situation and know its not easy living with a person that is trying to run your life. The best advice I could give you is to take the first step by not drinking and seek as much support as you can, which you are already doing here on this board.
Good luck!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Sydney NSW
Posts: 29
Today..........
I was at work today and my thoughts were preoccupied with this wonderful site..........I feel a kind of bond here I guess, talking to the people around me here is difficult for me ...........I don't want to be a burden to anyone least of all the people I know........but I don't feel like that here I don't feel that I am burdening anyone .........because I know you all understand .I feel safe here, safe from judgement and insults,
thanks again all of you
thanks again all of you
Member
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Dubh Linn - Ireland
Posts: 455
Meet your Sister!
Originally Posted by Basi
My Dear Dear people,
And I have been feeling soooo alone ..........you see, I lost my mother 2 years ago and I must tell you guys it devastated me to the most amazing degree..........I have never ever felt such loss and so helpless to the point that I totally shut down to every one and everything around me......and not three months later my father died.........all I can say is thank God for my beautiful 2 children....... I also have 5 brothers and one sister but I just shut down to everyone.
I remember one particular day I thought I would just lie down and die I felt so devastated....so I reached out to my husband.......who told me "why are you taking your mother and fathers dying so hard they weren't any good anyway"..............do you see my predicament with him..........he even tries to control my grief............do you know that I havent cried for my parents yet.....I cant, especially in front of my husband....weird HUH?
LIsten you guys I really really mean this This Site is my lifeline at the moment
And I have been feeling soooo alone ..........you see, I lost my mother 2 years ago and I must tell you guys it devastated me to the most amazing degree..........I have never ever felt such loss and so helpless to the point that I totally shut down to every one and everything around me......and not three months later my father died.........all I can say is thank God for my beautiful 2 children....... I also have 5 brothers and one sister but I just shut down to everyone.
I remember one particular day I thought I would just lie down and die I felt so devastated....so I reached out to my husband.......who told me "why are you taking your mother and fathers dying so hard they weren't any good anyway"..............do you see my predicament with him..........he even tries to control my grief............do you know that I havent cried for my parents yet.....I cant, especially in front of my husband....weird HUH?
LIsten you guys I really really mean this This Site is my lifeline at the moment
SR has been my lifeline too. This is a place where we can feel totally understood and cared for. This is so important for me and I know for others and now you too! Oh how I wish recovery and peace and serenity and happiness for us all. That is from the depths of my heart - what is left of it but I feel that it is in a growth mode at the moment.....Miracles and gifts abound but only if we are ready to accept them.....see them.....
And whereas you have 2 beautiful children......I have five! We do owe it to them to shield them from the ugliness of this disease but I firmly believe that we must do it for ourselves first and foremost. They then will reap the benefits of our sobriety and recovery. This time two weeks ago - a Thursday I was in the throws of the DTs......my very worst binge ever.....and never again will I let myself fall to such depths of desparation and self loathing. Its funny cause when you said you were formerly a model I actually laughed. The only beauty of any worth is that which shines from within.......Physical beauty is just that and for me it has been very damning indeed. Time to let the real US show ourselves and guess what.....we are kind and gentle and tender souls.....therein lies the true beauty! I can see yours .......Get well and be You for You and then for yours.....Luvs Ama
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