Almost Uncomfortable
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Join Date: Jul 2019
Posts: 23
Almost Uncomfortable
I think what I’m feeling is normal from what I read but I still can’t help but think I’m almost going crazy.
My boyfriend is recently sober. And I’m just maybe not use to this person? It’s like someone took my drunk boyfriend, who though was not an easy person to deal with at all was the only version I knew, and dropped off a look alike.
Like when he was actively drinking he was loud and affectionate and always at my hip. Which was enjoyable for the most part but got annoying at times. Near the end of the drinking there was the angry part and I kept saying it’ll get better with sobriety.
But him sober is like someone completely dialed him down. It’s hard to feel loved or appreciated at all. It’s almost like I’m starting to date someone new all over again! And I’m mad at the idea of having to almost restart when i selfishly think I deserve that happy ever after. And I’m mad at myself for thinking that and mad at myself for feeling the way I do.
Should I talk to him or wait it out? Or is this just normal? Mostly I guess am I crazy?
My boyfriend is recently sober. And I’m just maybe not use to this person? It’s like someone took my drunk boyfriend, who though was not an easy person to deal with at all was the only version I knew, and dropped off a look alike.
Like when he was actively drinking he was loud and affectionate and always at my hip. Which was enjoyable for the most part but got annoying at times. Near the end of the drinking there was the angry part and I kept saying it’ll get better with sobriety.
But him sober is like someone completely dialed him down. It’s hard to feel loved or appreciated at all. It’s almost like I’m starting to date someone new all over again! And I’m mad at the idea of having to almost restart when i selfishly think I deserve that happy ever after. And I’m mad at myself for thinking that and mad at myself for feeling the way I do.
Should I talk to him or wait it out? Or is this just normal? Mostly I guess am I crazy?
Last edited by AutumnIsHere; 07-09-2019 at 06:31 PM. Reason: Tags
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Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: S.E. MI
Posts: 1,025
Wow. Interesting. I have never been on that end of the spectrum. I guess if you could talk to my wife she might know how you feel. Although we all change differently in a different way I would imagine. I would seek out al anon meeting or section of this forum. I guess its not the same in my relationship with my wife because she was here before, during, and now after (for 1 month anyway) my alcoholic drinking. I am lucky to have her with me for almost 27 years now. I can only imagine exactly how she feels about it. I only really know that she is happy about it. Sometimes we talk specifics but not in depth. How long has he been sober by the way? To me whether you talk to him about it or wait it out would depend on how long he has been sober to me. Also how serious of an issue it is. It doesent sound like something that should be a huge issue? He's dealing with alot of changes too but I'm sure he still loves you. Probably even more.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,772
I would say, talk to him and express your concerns. Early sobriety can be rough so it may just be that that's making him so different.
I hope you and he can find some peace of mind.
I hope you and he can find some peace of mind.
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Join Date: Oct 2018
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 21
How long has your boyfriend been sober for? Do you drink? Coming from someone in their first week of sobriety (this time anyway) it’s very mentally exhausting. It’s like I have to steer my mind away from the thought of alcohol every 15 minutes. It’s not always just the big “man I need a drink right this instant” thoughts either. Much of it is, “oh man I just remembered I don’t get a beer when I get home from work... how am I going to go on that vacation in 2 months and not drink... is my family/friend going to force me to talk about this when I see them... do I really have to be sober for the rest of my life, not even 1 more?”
While I love my husband and know that he is supportive, I don’t particularly find myself wanting hang around or talk to him much right now. And it’s not just him... I don’t really want to talk to anyone that doesn't know what this mental race against myself feels like. I can see how it would be frustrating for you, but he’s probably using all his energy to just stay sober.
While I love my husband and know that he is supportive, I don’t particularly find myself wanting hang around or talk to him much right now. And it’s not just him... I don’t really want to talk to anyone that doesn't know what this mental race against myself feels like. I can see how it would be frustrating for you, but he’s probably using all his energy to just stay sober.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
How recently sober? First 30 days kinda sober? If so maybe give yourself and him some time?
4 months kinda sober? Yeah, definitely talk with him about it. Has he ever talked to you about why he felt he abused booze in the first place? Often its anxiety and challenges with opening up and trusting, others and ourselves.
I just know that someone in early early recovery can be quite sensitive, and confused themselves about how they are feeling. But you absolutely deserve a voice in this. Maybe check out the friends and family subforum here for some like minded perspective.
4 months kinda sober? Yeah, definitely talk with him about it. Has he ever talked to you about why he felt he abused booze in the first place? Often its anxiety and challenges with opening up and trusting, others and ourselves.
I just know that someone in early early recovery can be quite sensitive, and confused themselves about how they are feeling. But you absolutely deserve a voice in this. Maybe check out the friends and family subforum here for some like minded perspective.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2019
Posts: 23
Originally Posted by Slaybells247 
How long has your boyfriend been sober for? Do you drink? Coming from someone in their first week of sobriety (this time anyway) it’s very mentally exhausting. It’s like I have to steer my mind away from the thought of alcohol every 15 minutes. It’s not always just the big “man I need a drink right this instant” thoughts either. Much of it is, “oh man I just remembered I don’t get a beer when I get home from work... how am I going to go on that vacation in 2 months and not drink... is my family/friend going to force me to talk about this when I see them... do I really have to be sober for the rest of my life, not even 1 more?”
While I love my husband and know that he is supportive, I don’t particularly find myself wanting hang around or talk to him much right now. And it’s not just him... I don’t really want to talk to anyone that doesn't know what this mental race against myself feels like. I can see how it would be frustrating for you, but he’s probably using all his energy to just stay sober.
While I love my husband and know that he is supportive, I don’t particularly find myself wanting hang around or talk to him much right now. And it’s not just him... I don’t really want to talk to anyone that doesn't know what this mental race against myself feels like. I can see how it would be frustrating for you, but he’s probably using all his energy to just stay sober.
i dont drink besides maybe a glass rarely with dinner but never around him (sober him or when he was actively drinking) and he’s still in the beginning of being sober, under 30 days. Your reply actually helped me try to understand this better. I guess it’s been hard to remember that almost all of his mental capacity has to be put in this, just hard when you thought you were out of the woods with the detox.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,628
Not nearly out of the woods, detox is just a drop in the ocean, just the beginning. I think you would find it reassuring to learn as much as you can about alcoholism.
You might find this recent thread in the F&F of Alcoholics forum helpful:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...s-just-me.html (New to things, Maybe it's just me?)
Also lots of threads in the actual forum:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/
And in the stickies section at the top, in particular this:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
You might find this recent thread in the F&F of Alcoholics forum helpful:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...s-just-me.html (New to things, Maybe it's just me?)
Also lots of threads in the actual forum:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/
And in the stickies section at the top, in particular this:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: S.E. MI
Posts: 1,025
While I wish both of you the best I would not assume you are out of the woods. With detox maybe but its a long hard struggle. I feel pretty good and have had a lot less "issues" than other folks quitting but I know (and make sure my wife knows) that there is a long way to go. Like the rest of you life long. Lots of people relapse after 10, 20, or even 25 years so dont let your self, or him become complacent. In fact I invite you to invite him to visit this site here. It helps alot.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2018
Posts: 108
I know that when I quit, many people close to me said I was like a different person. I’d like to think that they meant for the better because for the last year or two, there was a shell of a person barely existing. I wasn’t in a relationship so I can’t really speak to that, but I would say give him time. Hopefully you’ll learn to love the new him.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2018
Posts: 622
Speaking from a guy on his sixth day, I've found it easier to keep to myself and not really communicate with my lady friend about my quit. I just want to concentrate on my quit without talking about it with her. It's much better for me and that's what is most important right now. Sounds selfish I suppose but it's what's working so far.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 5,169
When I first quit, possibly the thing I needed most from those closest to me was their support. Your boyfriend, like you, has needs too, and I'd bet he would greatly appreciate your understanding. He may actually need it much more than you know, maybe more than he knows. I think you should encourage him. But then you probably guessed I would say this already.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 1,312
I’m a very different person sober than who I was when actively drinking. Friends and family have commented on it. I think that’s the nature of this disease - it steals the essence of who we are. Give it sometime, you may like the sober guy much better than the drinking guy.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 79
Originally Posted by AutumnIsHere
I think what I’m feeling is normal from what I read but I still can’t help but think I’m almost going crazy.
My boyfriend is recently sober. And I’m just maybe not use to this person? It’s like someone took my drunk boyfriend, who though was not an easy person to deal with at all was the only version I knew, and dropped off a look alike.
Like when he was actively drinking he was loud and affectionate and always at my hip. Which was enjoyable for the most part but got annoying at times. Near the end of the drinking there was the angry part and I kept saying it’ll get better with sobriety.
But him sober is like someone completely dialed him down. It’s hard to feel loved or appreciated at all. It’s almost like I’m starting to date someone new all over again! And I’m mad at the idea of having to almost restart when i selfishly think I deserve that happy ever after. And I’m mad at myself for thinking that and mad at myself for feeling the way I do.
Should I talk to him or wait it out? Or is this just normal? Mostly I guess am I crazy?
My boyfriend is recently sober. And I’m just maybe not use to this person? It’s like someone took my drunk boyfriend, who though was not an easy person to deal with at all was the only version I knew, and dropped off a look alike.
Like when he was actively drinking he was loud and affectionate and always at my hip. Which was enjoyable for the most part but got annoying at times. Near the end of the drinking there was the angry part and I kept saying it’ll get better with sobriety.
But him sober is like someone completely dialed him down. It’s hard to feel loved or appreciated at all. It’s almost like I’m starting to date someone new all over again! And I’m mad at the idea of having to almost restart when i selfishly think I deserve that happy ever after. And I’m mad at myself for thinking that and mad at myself for feeling the way I do.
Should I talk to him or wait it out? Or is this just normal? Mostly I guess am I crazy?
I don't think you're crazy, this is probably pretty "normal", and yes I think that you should talk to him. Communication is key in any successful relationship and it's something I should be doing more of as well. Thank you for posting.
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