atdawn

Hi everyone, I have been reading through posts, trying to work out what enabling and setting boundaries are, and I am still confused. could you help me by giving comments on these examples:

AH has started drinking in the house, he wants more drinks so asks me to go and get some for him.
I say: no, I won't go, but you can go yourself, take a bus or a cab. he then says, ok then I should have got 12 beers insead of 6, or should I be hiding some... I end up giving in, because I do not want him to get more the next time or hide, also because I am afraid of him getting verbally abusive... I guess this is enabling and I should stick to my guns no matter what, and a setting of boundary would be 'do not ask me to buy drinks for you'.
Am I getting this right?

If we are together in the car, he is drinving and sober and wants to get beer, is it enabling to not oppose and stay in the car as he goes to buy them? Is asking him to drop me off first then do whatever he wants a setting of boundary?

another question: I read covering up is enabling, I have been covering up so that my family does not know what is going on as I do not want them to be worried about me. would you consider this wrong. Is enabling in some cases but not in others being double standards? I also cover up for his family in a way: when he is passed out sleeping it off I do not answer the phone because I don't know what to say to his family asking about him. If I say he is asleep, they are going to ask why...

last: how do you deal with apologies and when they get all sorry and blaming themselves? before I would have accepted the apologies, last time I said to him to stop putting himself down and act... I am trying to change the way I react to him but not quite sure I am doing it right :scratchch ...

thanks in advance for your comments...

leem03

YES YOU ARE RIGHT!!

I'm not sure about this one myself. I wouldn't really think it would matter if you're in the car or not. This is where he is a big boy and needs to make his own decisions. You don't have to agree with him buying it, but I don't know whether asking him to take you home first would really matter one way or the other.

Yes it is. Covering up to your family and to his family is just helping him to continue drinking without consequences because you are always there to make it ok to everyone else. He expects it of you now.

As far as the aplogies go. That's a tough one. I would say that normally when they apologize, the are doing so from the bottom of their hearts. That they know what they're doing is wrong. I think the apoligies would vary with the reason for them.

With all of these, there are no set responses. Each circumstance is different as is everyone's reactions. You have to do what is right for you to be happy. That is the most important thing. Don't stop living your life because he is living his the wrong way. No matter what see to it that you are HAPPY!

Good Luck!

Rainy

hi atdawn,

for me enabling was any action that i took that alleviated any responsibility off him and allowed him to continue using with no consequences.

there are many, many things we codies do, from covering up, to buying the stuff for them...the list is endless

for me setting boundaries meant deciding what i was and was not willing to tolerate, and being strong enough to follow thru with the consequences even if that meant we couldn't be together.

Your H owns his actions, as do you. You don't have to cover up for him, he is an adult. Spend some time thinking about you and what you deserve..respect ...honesty...truth. you're on the right track already, don't expect to get it right overnight, its a continuous work in progress.

Best wishes,

Dee at Mt Bully

I would like to talk about the covering up part. First of all I definitly think it is codie.
And then what happens when things unravel and the family is like we didn't think you
had any problems--we didn't know he drank that much--His Mom--oh I think you're
exzagerating he does'nt drink that much--he just has a beer or two and goes to
sleep because he gets up so early etc... Eventually you end up feeling like the bad guy
when your mistake was covering up for the AH. And by the way his family thinks
you're the bad guy because they didn't know anything about his drinking. They think
he only drinks on birthdays and holidays when he visits them. You know --a family
thing. Wow--got that off my chest--hope it helps--Smiles--Dee

Magichappens

Hi atdawn,
Each person has to find their own path in recovery. Many times it takes some healing and support for us to be able to put the tools we are learning to work. We can't do it all overnight, or expect ourself to do it all the time. You gave a lot of examples where you had a decision to make. It is your decision. You can ask yourself if the decision you made is taking care of you. When we give up our own safety, sanity, or serenity to appease someone else, that is not having a boundary.

Don't put too much pressure on yourself. We take baby steps to get better. Every small victory helps us to reach healing and serenity. One small victory is a step in the right direction, even if we don't do anything else "right" that day. We have been hurt, and we don't need to beat ourself up any more. That isn't helpful to getting better. Be gentle with yourself. You are moving in the right direction, you are searching for solutions. It takes time. Hugs, Magic