Sober Parenting Time
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Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 223
Sober Parenting Time
Hi All. I realize this is a little bit of trying to read the future, but I haven’t been involved in any sort of cycle of attempted recovery and relapse before, since my XAH never tried to quit drinking before we split up.
I think he made it to maybe four months of sobriety under very strict circumstances, and then went back to drinking in what seems like a not yet every day schedule. He was definitely drinking around our kid, and so I have a court order for sober link. Throughout June, I was testing him myself, and there was about a 50-50 of whether he would be sober or not when he was supposed to take the kid. In the two weeks since the court order, he has been sober all four times he had a scheduled visit.
Although the court has ordered him to attend AA, he is only tested during his visit times, which is one afternoon a week and one weekend day during the weekend. So, there are about 12 hours a week his BAC needs to be zero in order to have time with this kid.
I am wondering whether, in your experience, actively drinking alcoholic can manage to be sober for small windows of parenting time, while still allowing themselves to slide back into their former habits. I certainly am not taking any hope from two weeks of not being drunk at predetermined times, but my general sense is that he is probably going to go back downhill quickly, and I am wondering if there is much chance he will keep it together in order to keep his visits while still backsliding, or if managing to be sober at two points per week will probably be too high of a bar if he is back to drinking in general as I imagine.
I realize every person is different. But the fact that he has never admitted to me that he has been drinking at all even when he was clearly trashed and testing positive, his constant position is that he is in recovery. So I don’t think I can take anything from how he seems or what he says.
It matters to me particularly because he was an exceedingly poor health when he stopped drinking, and the doctors were pretty clear he would not survive very long if he went back to drinking. I expect we will be doing this dance of me trying to be sure he is safe around the kid, while he pretends he is an amazing parent for the rest of his life. But if he is managing to stay sober for only short intervals and can otherwise descend into heavy drinking all the rest of the time, I don’t think our coparenting time as long for this world.
I know you can’t tell me what will happen, just wondering if anyone else has experience with alcoholics who work every day all the time drinkers managing to stay sober for little chunks of time while relapsing.
I think he made it to maybe four months of sobriety under very strict circumstances, and then went back to drinking in what seems like a not yet every day schedule. He was definitely drinking around our kid, and so I have a court order for sober link. Throughout June, I was testing him myself, and there was about a 50-50 of whether he would be sober or not when he was supposed to take the kid. In the two weeks since the court order, he has been sober all four times he had a scheduled visit.
Although the court has ordered him to attend AA, he is only tested during his visit times, which is one afternoon a week and one weekend day during the weekend. So, there are about 12 hours a week his BAC needs to be zero in order to have time with this kid.
I am wondering whether, in your experience, actively drinking alcoholic can manage to be sober for small windows of parenting time, while still allowing themselves to slide back into their former habits. I certainly am not taking any hope from two weeks of not being drunk at predetermined times, but my general sense is that he is probably going to go back downhill quickly, and I am wondering if there is much chance he will keep it together in order to keep his visits while still backsliding, or if managing to be sober at two points per week will probably be too high of a bar if he is back to drinking in general as I imagine.
I realize every person is different. But the fact that he has never admitted to me that he has been drinking at all even when he was clearly trashed and testing positive, his constant position is that he is in recovery. So I don’t think I can take anything from how he seems or what he says.
It matters to me particularly because he was an exceedingly poor health when he stopped drinking, and the doctors were pretty clear he would not survive very long if he went back to drinking. I expect we will be doing this dance of me trying to be sure he is safe around the kid, while he pretends he is an amazing parent for the rest of his life. But if he is managing to stay sober for only short intervals and can otherwise descend into heavy drinking all the rest of the time, I don’t think our coparenting time as long for this world.
I know you can’t tell me what will happen, just wondering if anyone else has experience with alcoholics who work every day all the time drinkers managing to stay sober for little chunks of time while relapsing.
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Location: W Washington
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sure - alcoholism comes in many flavors - not every drunk drinks dawn til dusk every day. it is that they DO drink and what happens to them when they do.
the body needs about 12 hours with no alcohol in order to "pass" a breathalyzer test. not all breathalyzers have the same sensitivity, but 12 hours is a good bench mark. so one could drink until 8 or 9 pm, pass out, i mean sleep for 6-8 hours, and then only need four more hours to blow clean. in that four hours they might even eat food, shower, freshen up and appear to be sober. show up, spend a few hours with the kiddo, and be back home and back on the booze in no time. it IS possible.
they could also supplement the booze with other drugs that would not register on a breathalyzer.
remember, he is going to do what he is going to do. you can't fix that or change it. you can and are putting preventions in place to allow him time with his child, which assuring the child is safe. to the best of your ability.
the rest is out of your hands.
the body needs about 12 hours with no alcohol in order to "pass" a breathalyzer test. not all breathalyzers have the same sensitivity, but 12 hours is a good bench mark. so one could drink until 8 or 9 pm, pass out, i mean sleep for 6-8 hours, and then only need four more hours to blow clean. in that four hours they might even eat food, shower, freshen up and appear to be sober. show up, spend a few hours with the kiddo, and be back home and back on the booze in no time. it IS possible.
they could also supplement the booze with other drugs that would not register on a breathalyzer.
remember, he is going to do what he is going to do. you can't fix that or change it. you can and are putting preventions in place to allow him time with his child, which assuring the child is safe. to the best of your ability.
the rest is out of your hands.
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
FWIW - while my ex was alive, he could managed SoberLinked drinking (i.e. what you've described, being sober for long enough to exercise a couple of unsupervised visits per week) for a couple of months at a time - but it always fell apart (either he didn't test when he was supposed to or he tested positive) and he was busted back down to supervised visits only.
So if XAH is complying for now, that's a good thing and enables him to spend time with his son. But I think you are right to not expect it to last too long. As you may know my ex received the same information from his doctors about the extreme risks to his health and survival as a result of the damage alcohol had done to his heart and his brain. He kept drinking and died within two years.
So the visits your son has now with his dad may be the only times left - i.e. there won't be time for a normal and healthy father/son relationship after he gets sober, because that might not happen before he dies. That was what kept me going trying to work with SoberLink and an angry delusional addict - the possibility (likelihood) that this was all that was left and this would be her only chance to have memories of her father. (I was still absolutely inflexible on strict compliance with SoberLink because give an inch, take a yard).
So if XAH is complying for now, that's a good thing and enables him to spend time with his son. But I think you are right to not expect it to last too long. As you may know my ex received the same information from his doctors about the extreme risks to his health and survival as a result of the damage alcohol had done to his heart and his brain. He kept drinking and died within two years.
So the visits your son has now with his dad may be the only times left - i.e. there won't be time for a normal and healthy father/son relationship after he gets sober, because that might not happen before he dies. That was what kept me going trying to work with SoberLink and an angry delusional addict - the possibility (likelihood) that this was all that was left and this would be her only chance to have memories of her father. (I was still absolutely inflexible on strict compliance with SoberLink because give an inch, take a yard).
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Originally Posted by Sasha1972 
(I was still absolutely inflexible on strict compliance with SoberLink because give an inch, take a yard).
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Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 223
Thanks for your thoughts. I do think now is the best of her dad my kid is likely ever going to get. And to his credit he is trying to be a good parent and do fun things w her. He sucks at the day to day but over the last several weeks he’s been making sure they do fun stuff when they are together on Sundays and she has been having fun even when she resists going.
Even if I happened to catch him on his only 4 days of drinking since last year and he is mostly sober (yes, very likely I am sure) he’s still unlikely to be around in 5 or 7 years.If he is going to live long enough for the kiddo to remember him, I hope he can manage to make some good memories. I will feel so sad for my little one if he sticks around and is a mess on top of it.
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Join Date: Mar 2017
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Originally Posted by DiggingForFire
Thanks for your thoughts. I do think now is the best of her dad my kid is likely ever going to get. And to his credit he is trying to be a good parent and do fun things w her. He sucks at the day to day but over the last several weeks he’s been making sure they do fun stuff when they are together on Sundays and she has been having fun even when she resists going.
Even if I happened to catch him on his only 4 days of drinking since last year and he is mostly sober (yes, very likely I am sure) he’s still unlikely to be around in 5 or 7 years.If he is going to live long enough for the kiddo to remember him, I hope he can manage to make some good memories. I will feel so sad for my little one if he sticks around and is a mess on top of it.
I do think ex wanted to be a good parent and spend time with Kid (and it sounds like they did have some quality time together before he died). He just wanted to drink at will at the same time, which is where he and I had a difference of opinion.
Hold your ground.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
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I have found w/my XAH that it enrages him that he cannot drink because other people do. It's the denial part of the disease. I mean other people drink all the time, he should be able too as well, right?
Heck no! If he would be able to drink like a regular person we never would have gotten to this place to start with....ugh...
Heck no! If he would be able to drink like a regular person we never would have gotten to this place to start with....ugh...
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