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Feeling so 'off'.

Old 07-06-2019, 03:32 PM
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Feeling so 'off'.

Ok my SR friends, one thing I don't do is share when I'm feeling weak. Or at least not very often. Or wait, I share, but in other people's threads. I try to relate my feelings to the OP, so at least I'm not totally irrelevant.

I am off. I'm not right. I'm feeling a bit, rudderless. I both know and don't know why, does that make sense?

Yes, I have a huge amount of 'things' going on . But not like tangible things. My daughter, my only, is moving out in August, third week ish. I was going to move and care give for my folks, but that's out. For a lot of good reasons.

I'm going to go back to work. I'm going to be recreating this new 'me'. Or something. I am scared. Edgy. I'm bored. And that's all on me, but I am.

I am leaving for Cali for what might be my last visit to see my parents before we transition them to a home (although I have this really weird feeling: I am either going to be begged to come and stay with them for a while, or I will be managing mentioned transition...I dunno). This is the home I grew up in. It also appears that I am going to be shouldering the major discussions about this move (and try THAT with 2 people with dementia). And, I intuitively know what to do. BUT I've never done this before. Hell part of me thinks I should just recommit to moving there....but then the other part says "What are you, NUTs?". Why yes, I am.

So I dunno. I'm just feeling like I want to check out, and yes those thoughts involve booze. Yeah, I know, total **** show. And it won't even provide the relief I'm looking for. So yeah, can't happen. Won't happen. But its rough and this sustained feeling, well its not sustainable.

When I get back I'm going to start therapy again. The sole purpose is really just to pour my soul out to someone that will listen. And if they have any guidance, well bonus points. I'm going to start attending AA again. I am so blessed to have a couple of great meetings and a pretty large group of amazing people that I know will guide me.

I'm just feeling all upside down, inside out. Backwards, forwards and sideways. Its just life, I get that. But ugh. And Ive chosen to see a new oncologist just to make sure I'm doing everything I can for my little cancer situation.

Just all feels weird and overwhelming. Like I'm concerned, am I actually strong enough to shoulder all this. I talk a good bitta talk. But can I walk this without something giving way? Not even sure I'm really even talking about booze. I'm just....scared.

But then again, how grateful I am to be able to sit here, in my home, with AC, you friends, my doggie, a salad in the fridge and the final episodes of True Blood to watch. Stay in the moment. Be grateful. Just get through it? Right?
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Old 07-06-2019, 03:41 PM
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It sounds like you have some big changes coming up and change is often scary and sometimes unwanted.

It sounds like you're still considering moving to care give to your parents who both have dementia and who will have to move to an assisted living place at some point. I hope you give a lot of thought to making such a move because it would be an enormous commitment. You may be able to help with the transition without taking on the role or primary caregiver. That way you could help out, but could still retain your own life and maybe a new job.
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Old 07-06-2019, 04:03 PM
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Sending you cyber hugs for this trying time. I hope in all this you can find peace of mind.
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Old 07-06-2019, 05:02 PM
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Sounds like a lot of things to worry about Ent. I'm glad you're aware of them and how it's making you feel.

We've got your back

D
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Old 07-06-2019, 05:47 PM
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It sounds perfectly normal.

Only child leaving.

Parents failing.

"My little cancer situation."

Job.

Mini freakout. Totally normal.

You're gonna get through it, lovely. You will. Honest. You're aware and you're reaching out to everyone, and planning self care and you're gonna get through.

One day at at time.

Just one.
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Old 07-06-2019, 05:54 PM
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Prayers your way😁
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Old 07-06-2019, 07:30 PM
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Lots of decisions to make it sounds like. Therapy will be good and go with what you feel is right. Trust yourself. It’s okay to be scared. My mom has dementia and I’m even too weak to see her much. I’m scared with you.
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Old 07-06-2019, 07:32 PM
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“ But can I walk this without something giving way? ”
Flip, yes, you can walk this.
without something giving way? i don’t know. but since you’re looking ahead, you are likely able to consider what you might “allow” to give way. what you’ll need to make room for and what you will not have room for.
find your bottom lines , know them for sure and then you can stick to them no matter what.
and you are already planning on AA and therapy when you return. good plan!
i know, easy for me to say about knowing the bottom lines...not being sure of them seems part of your challenge?
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Old 07-07-2019, 04:08 AM
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I felt like that all the time in the first 6 months off booze. I say it like it is a drug...like cocaine, meth, or crack because it is.

My years of drinking caused immediate and long term irreversible brain damage. If I drink again, I will do more damage.

The nature of addiction lies in my emotions. I have a lifetime of emotional desire to drink I must battle with analytical ability.

At first it was harder. These days the crave, emotional calling to drink, seems to come in new ways. But, when I really think about it, it is the same way but feels new.

Folks regret relapse after decades of sobriety. I sound like a broken record with this stuff, but that is ok.

I'd rather be a broken record than a relapsed active drug (booze is my DOC) addict.

Nothing fancy going on with me today or forever. I drank and quit drinking like a boss rock star. Those days are over. That ship has sailed.

Addict for life.

Thanks.
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Old 07-07-2019, 04:28 AM
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Such a lot going on my av used to love those times I feel rudderless. Show time for my illness but don’t give in you already know that. Keep taking it a day at a time things will even out for you
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Old 07-07-2019, 05:14 AM
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Sounds like a perfect time to start those AA meetings. Putting specific and extra action of any kind focused on my recovery is super important when this much stuff is happening in life.
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Old 07-07-2019, 10:29 AM
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Thanks for the support you guys. Reading your words is like a big virtual hug!

Yes Anna you are right. I need to really be careful about allowing myself to be sucked in. Bottom line, my daughter is staying here for college, not going to Cali. So, no matter how much I weigh the decision to care for my folks, that fact always comes back around. Am I willing to leave her in her first semester of college, when she stayed 'home' so that she can be closer to me? No. I don't think so. She will be living on campus, so she is 'moving out'. But campus is 30 minutes away Pretty sure I'll still be doing her laundry!

Thank you Least! And did I mention my fur babies? My doggy would adjust to moving....I'd just have to make sure my parents don't just let him out all the time. My dad does that. But my kitty? He's old. He's crabby and he loves his sunny window. The room I would be living in literally has no sun. He would have to become 100% indoors and he'd have to be locked in there cause dad letting him out could be disastrous. Not sure he'd make it through that move.

Bimini you always make me feel better. You too August....and I look forward to reconnecting with my AA friends.

Fini I think what I have to let go of is this idea that I can save my parents. I have to realize that there is very little I can do. I have to let my brothers be what they are and not let them get to me. I cannot wait until this transition is over so I can return to pretending I have no family.

Soberrican, Mariposa, Eve, D122 Thanks for reading my long azz post and providing your support. Means so much to me.

Well time to pack for my long azz drive to Cali. Take my doggy to the ex's.

Thanks everyone. Ugh. Can't wait until this is over.......I am going to bring my speaker so I can blast music in my hotel room and dance around like a kid. I can't do that because I never know when my daughter is going to pop in. Kind of embarrassing being caught in the middle of some major air guitar or pretending I'm Lady Gaga!! Haha.
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Old 07-07-2019, 10:44 AM
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Speaking from experience, caring for a parent (let alone two) with dementia is one of the most difficult things you will ever have to do. It is much easier to stop drinking and that is very very difficult. Take proper advice and consider everything thoroughly.
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Old 07-07-2019, 10:47 AM
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Safe travels and happy rock n roll hotel room. Maybe having them empty the in-room minibar might be a plan?

It's all going to work out - maybe not perfectly and not the exact way everyone wants, but may calm heads prevail.
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Old 07-07-2019, 06:56 PM
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Yeah no more in room mini bars. Just expensive snacks....and ya know, I think those were gone the last time I was there.....but very good suggestion!

Bon voyage. Well, tomorrow at 6am
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Old 07-09-2019, 07:49 PM
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Well made it nicely through the casino event. Got a creepy upgraded room with a jacuzzi and steam room. Loved the steam room tho...that was nice. Don't know about the whole black mirrored jacuzzi by the bed. Wayyyy too many mirrors in that room. Jesus. Saw more of myself than I have in years. More than I needed.
So worked out, ate some food, got a cookie the size of my face (why is everything BIG in casino's?) and fell asleep at 9pm.

Yeah, Yeah. I knew I wouldn't drink...but well, maybe I was just a bit concerned.

Sad state of affairs at my parents. My mom just tells me I'm pretty, needs lots of hugs and claps her hands when she's happy. Its heartbreaking. This woman was a force of nature, that frankly was pretty rough growing up, but I always respected her. Still do. But Jesus. What a mess.

So, should be a soul crushing week. My dad just asks me about my ex all the time. Which is fine, just weird. Cause the husband that is all over the house in photo's is the one that died...my second husband. And he doesn't remember him at all. No sympathy for what happened there even when they could give it. Now they don't even know who he is. Gawd its weird. Really ****** weird.
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Old 07-09-2019, 09:02 PM
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I feel for you. That cant be easy. Thank god you are sober.
I have to say I was just floored. Because of my own naivete I have thought you were a male. I guess maybe you could still be but when I saw you mention your husband I kind of figured I was wrong. Kind of funny that without a pic or a male/female type name I just assumed you were male this whole time. lol. Sorry. Best wishes to you in your future.
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Old 07-10-2019, 05:09 AM
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I'm so sorry your parents are suffering and that you all are in this situation.

It seems to me from people I've known with dementia and alzheimers that they are pretty happy for the most part. To be fair though, no one in my immediate family suffered in that way, so I would be sad and worried too.

I sort of wish a lot of my memories would be erased - then I wouldn't have to be so vigilant with my own thoughts. I probably shouldn't tempt Fate that way.

Hugs, lovely.

on the hotel room in Reno. I mean, it is Reno after all, and I say that in the most loving way possible. It's one of my all-time favorite off-the-beaten-trail cities. Tacky almost goes without saying. I always just hope they use lots of bleach and lysol.
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Old 07-10-2019, 07:08 AM
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Abe

I've done the same thing. Made the assumption one way or the other and OOPS!
Surprise surprise
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Old 07-10-2019, 07:17 AM
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Thanks Bimini.

It is really important to remind myself to see the world through their eyes. I mean, as much as is even possible. Or at minimum acknowledge that I have no idea how they feel. Happy or unhapppy. I wouldn't say either are happy. Are they content? Maybe. I know they are scared and often confused. That's gotta be weird. I personally think they will be more content in a home. Once that transition happens. The transition will be rough...they will not be happy.

Reno is funny. I lived in Truckee years ago and did shopping and such in Reno sometimes. Frankly I hate it. But its the closest to 1/2 way on the trip. Winnemucca works too...but, ever been there? Yuck. It was fun when my daughter was young tho...just find the best possible room and swim all day..no one around. So lots of memories.
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